Zelina

After leaving Shawn's house, I don't know how long I go on driving. My body fumes with anger and the chilly wind grazing against my skin feels good. I go speeding down the roads until I feel the need to stop, realizing that I might crash into something and die.

I press my foot against the brake and lean back on my seat. Taking a deep breath, I let my eyes close for a moment. It's been a crazy day for me and every time I think about Jamie and what she has done, my body shakes with rage all over again.

As I sit there, I realize how quiet this place is. I stop myself from thinking too much and try to calm my nerves. But then a faint humming reaches my ears - I hear the soft sound of water splashing. Opening my eyes, I get to look around. The road in front of me seems empty and I realize that I almost drove to the other side of the city because I can hear the tides from here. I get out of the car and look at the ocean down in surprise. Woah...I really did come a long way.

I slowly lean against my car as I hear the sweet music of waves crashing on the shore. From here, I get a nice view of the sea and the sight somehow brings peace to my mind.

As I stare at it, I catch a glimpse of a couple sitting on the shore. There aren't many people around, just a few teenagers playing in the distance. A faint smile comes to my lips. I don't know why, but my eyes move back to the duo again and I keep looking at them. I see the boy kiss his girlfriend's cheek as they sit on the sand. Then he puts his arms around her and pulls her closer as he kisses the back of her head. They intertwine their fingers, watching the sunset, and I look away, suddenly feeling like I am intervening in their intimate moment. Though I know they hardly can see me.

I feel my gut churn looking at them, and it's strange because I have never felt this way. I clench my jaw, hating that I feel so miserable. This has to be the first time when I want to imagine having a different life. A life where I can have someone who would care for me. Someone who would hold me and kiss me and tell me that they are here for me.

I refrain my mind from going down there, but all I could think at this moment is about Merrick. I distract my gaze towards the ocean, and even the blue in it reminds me of Merrick's beautiful eyes. I can't help but think about how dark they grew when he asked me to leave his office. I am sure the anger gave his eyes a dangerous look, but at the same time, it made them stand out more. It suddenly makes me wonder if he had the same look when I tried pushing his buttons the first day we met. The lights were dim in the bar so probably I wouldn't have caught it, but I knew then that he's got the most amazing eyes I've ever seen someone with.

Letting out a sigh, I shake my head, feeling completely dejected. I don't know why, but all I want to do at this moment is cry. I bite my lip, trying to gather my emotions but I let them loose knowing that no one is watching. Tears stream down my cheeks as the last few years flash in front of my eyes in quick frames.

I go back in time when I would enjoy playing with my dad's tie as he would get ready for work. I think about how well he was at managing everything and keeping me distracted from noticing my mother's viciousness. He was always there for me. Maybe it was his presence in my life that never let me wonder about Jamie's weird behavior towards him or me.

I smile, realizing how fresh that memory still feels when he built that aquarium for me. Those were the days when I was truly happy.

And then I think about the day my dad had that accident and my smile fades off instantly. That day changed everything. It broke me to learn from the doctors that my dad's nervous system was damaged due to the injury caused during that accident. It was hard for me to process it and I couldn't stop myself from crying to sleep every night, thinking that my father wouldn't be able to move or do things the way he did before.

That was probably the lowest point of my life. I couldn't stop crying looking at my dad almost lifeless on that bed. That was the first time when Jamie came to me and wrapped her arms around me and embraced me. I felt good in her arms, but little did I know it was all a game. A game that would ruin my life forever. A game that would eat me up with shame for the rest of my life.

I close my eyes, reminiscing all those nights when I was tossed around on different beds. And then I remember the first time I met Ashton.

I remember the time I spend at his condo. I've been with many men, but somehow he felt different. He was the first man that I was attracted to, though he was much older than me. It hardly mattered because I'd been with men of all ages by that time. Ashton was smart and handsome, and I was instantly drawn to him. There weren't any emotions involved. Hell, it has never been about emotions when I was with these men. It was all about luring them and satisfying their needs to get our contracts done.

But with Ashton, it became all different. With him, I began enjoying sex. I enjoyed how he made me explore new things. I loved every time he talked dirty to me and made me come. I kept going to him again and again. But then it slowly turned into something else...from the pleasure it turned into pain. I shut my eyes tightly when I think about that ugly memory. It makes me want to curl my fists. Why was I so stupid?

I don't know if it's the cool air or the thought that makes me shiver. My hand shakes as I reach for my purse inside the car and pull out the cigarette pack. I lit one and take a deep inhale, suddenly feeling desperate. I puff out the smoke, trying to lessen the pain that I am feeling, but it doesn't work.

I then wrap my free arm around my body, feeling scared and disappointed. Every single time I gave my body to Ashton, I trusted him. That's why I couldn't forget the night when I heard him talk over the phone. He was talking about my dad's accident and it shattered me to pieces, thinking that he had a hand in it.

The tears keep flowing down my cheeks and I suddenly wish Merrick was here to hold me. I try to imagine how comforting his strong arms would be around me as I take another long drag. I like being around him. When I am with him, I know I have nothing to worry about because he would never hurt me or do something to me that I wouldn't want. I feel safe under his touch. It's something that I've never felt before. And then I feel sad about how things turned out between us. Why do I feel this? This is not me. This is not the Zelina that I've known for so long.

Suddenly, I feel a strong pull at my heart and I let out a gasp, knowing exactly what it is.

Steve's words ring in my head out of nowhere. It's okay to change, Zelina.

I look at the cigarette in my hand and drop it immediately, as if I was holding fire. Wiping my tears, I storm to get in my car, trying to get away from all the turmoil that's going on inside me. It's pretty much clear that I won't be going home. Not just because I would have to face Jamie, but also because I don't wanna be alone. I take on the road to Alexa's house.

The usual Zelina in me would have preferred spending the night at her bar, but I was not that anymore. I don't wanna a random hookup to blow off my steam. I just want to be with someone who could tell me what the hell is going on with me.

By the time I reach Alexa's place, I am more than confident that I would find some help from her. We couldn't manage to meet up recently because we both had busy schedules, but we did talk over the phone. During our last call, Alexa was prying me about the kiss at the launch. I knew I couldn't hide it because it was something that was already out, but I didn't tell her about the kiss we had in his office and the date night on Friday. And, of course, she doesn't know about my feelings for Merrick.

A frown appears on my face when I notice a car parked in her driveway. I've never seen it before, but it seems oddly familiar. It makes me curious to think about who could Alexa have at her house this time, and it also makes me rethink my decision of coming here. Maybe she has a friend over. Fuck! I hope I am not ruining her night. After I get out of my car and walk to her door, I ring the doorbell and wait for her.

"Oh my God, Zelina?" Alexa almost gasps when she opens the door and looks at me.

"Yeah, why that look of a surprise, though?" I ask her, a little confused. I am not sure, but she almost looks terrified.

She lets out a chuckle, and I sense a hint of nervousness in it. "Well, I wasn't expecting you."

"Sorry for crashing in, Lexi. I assume you had some plans?" I ask her and look back at the car. "Whose car is it?"

"Ummm..." before she can say, I hear a man's voice behind her.

"Alexa, do you know where...." He stops speaking when he notices me. I peek behind her and my eyes widen when I see Dean walking out from her kitchen.

"Oh, no..." Alexa sighs, shaking her head.

"Dean?" I frown and then look back at Alexa in disbelief. "What the hell is he doing here?" I ask, absolutely not trying to hide my shock. "How do you know him?"

"Ohh hey, Zelina...good to see you," Dean says with a wide grin as he walks over to us. It looks like he came straight from his office because he is still in his suit, and it immediately makes me think about Merrick. I wonder what he is doing? Is he still at his office?

"You need to get in. I'll explain everything." Alexa says, and I narrow my eyes at her.

"Wait? What exactly are you going to explain? You didn't even answer my question." I scoff.

"Jeez, can you just chill?" She rolls her eyes at me.

"How am I supposed to chill? You know that Merrick and Dean work together, right?" I say exasperatedly.

"Of course. Will you just listen to me now?" She says.

Fine. Tell me everything and don't dare to lie." I say to her, but I don't let her speak as I continue. "I just cannot believe this, Alexa..."

"Oh, god! You are not even letting me talk." Alexa says and then we both begin to glare at each other.

"Ladies, I am right here..." Dean says awkwardly and we both turn to look at him. He lets out a nervous chuckle when we begin to glare at him. "Oh...I think we should go inside and talk."

Alexa lets out a sigh and shakes her head. "Come on in." She says, and I keep glaring at her. We all make our way to the couch in her living room. All three of us get seated and Alexa starts telling me everything. Apparently, I find out Dean was the same guy that she was gushing about all this time. I cannot believe she didn't tell me his name before.

After she finishes, I stare at her like she has grown two heads.

"So you guys are dating or what?" I ask, looking at both of them.

"We are trying to know each other?" Alexa looks at Dean and asks. He winks at her in response, making her blush. As much as I want to be mad at her for not telling me this before, I can't ignore the fact that they look cute together.

I've not known Dean much and the only few times we have met were in Merrick's office. However, I can say that he has a handsome face with shiny brown hair and a goofy grin. I am sure he is slightly taller than Merrick, but when it comes to muscles, Merrick got it all. I begin to grin like an idiot thinking about Merrick's body.

But I soon force myself to get out of my thoughts and focus on Dean. He seems to have those charms and playboy antics, and it somewhat makes me worry about Alexa. Then again, Alexa isn't all an angel and I am sure she knows what she is getting into. Also, it's too soon to judge him because I really didn't get to know him that well.

"And why the hell you thought it wasn't important to tell me?" I ask Alexa after I am done inspecting Dean.

"I didn't figure it out until a few days ago." She says sheepishly.

"So it was Dean that night?" I ask as I wriggle my eyebrows at her. She rolls her eyes and Dean laughs. "Do you know she couldn't stop talking about you the next day at all?" I say to Dean, and Alexa narrows her eyes at me.

"Zelina..." She drawls.

"Come on, Alexa, there's no shame in admitting that you were smitten by me since the time you looked at me." Dean nudges her shoulder playfully.

"No, I am not." She denies and I laugh.

"It's crazy because that was the same night when Merrick took me back home," I say slowly, and they both look at me in disbelief.

"Wait, oh my God! So you were the reason why I got ditched." Dean says, looking surprised and amused at the same time.

"I guess, yes." I smile, thinking about it. I can feel my heart fluttering, reminiscing that night.

"Zelina, don't get me wrong, I wanted to tell you but I just couldn't figure out how you'd react," Alexa says apologetically.

"Why would you think so?" I shake my head and look at her. "Of course, I'd be happy to know that you were finally having a great time..." I say with a small smile and I hate how depressed I sound. Alexa grasps the sadness in my tone instantly and moves closer to me.

I look up at her, and she says. "I know what happened on Friday and I was telling Dean just now that what a bitch your mother is."

"Alexa..." Dean says disapprovingly as he narrows his eyes at her.

I half-smile and look at him. "It's okay. No one knows the truth about her, but trust me, being her daughter is nothing less than a curse." I feel Alexa and Dean staring at me as I lower my gaze, taking a moment for what I am going to say next. "That day when Merrick dropped me home...he decided to do it because I was terribly drunk. And the reason why I got drunk was..." I feel the lump in my throat get bigger as I recall the memory. "I couldn't handle discovering the fact that my mother was cheating on my dad."

"What?" Alexa asks, looking at me in complete horror.

"Yes," I nod slowly, not knowing what else to say.

"Jesus, that's terrible," Dean says as he gives me a pitiful look and I lower my gaze, trying to not feel worse.

After a moment, Alexa reaches for my hand. She gives it a gentle squeeze and looks at Dean. "Jamie Miller is a horrible person. I can guarantee that Zelina would have never been a part of what she fucking did to Merrick."

I bite my lip as I look at them. "Merrick wouldn't listen to me. I wanted to tell him." I let out an exasperated sigh and shake my head. "I don't know what to do...I feel horrible. I can't stand Merrick being hateful to me."

Alexa stares at me for a minute and I wonder what she is thinking. When I am about to ask he,r she begins to smile, making me frown in confusion. "You like him, don't you?" She asks with an amused grin.

I look at her in disbelief and pull my hand away from her angrily. "Why the hell everyone is asking me this? What difference it's going to make if I liked him or not, because there's no way that Merrick would want a woman like me. Hell, nobody would want a woman like me." I didn't want to be angry at them because it isn't their fault, but the words come out of my mouth harsher than I intended.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Dean says. "He almost ate you at the launch. I am sure he would have done much more if there weren't people around." He says with a grin and I feel my ears growing hot.

Alexa chuckles as she nods. "Yeah...I saw that picture. You guys were totally burning everything around you." She says, and I can't help the smile that comes on my lips.

"Zelina, I've known Merrick for a long time. Trust me, he isn't normal." Dean speaks and my eyes widen. Where is he going with this? He shakes his head with a smile when he takes in my expression and continues. "I mean, I haven't seen a big man like him being such a softie. He is so careful around women."

He stops for a moment and rubs the back of his neck, looking nervous. Alexa and I look at him curiously as he says. "I know I had to apologize to you for being a judgemental asshole behind your back at the beginning, but Merrick...he has never once been disrespectful about you. I appreciate it and I don't know how he manages to do that... but believe me, he has never once hurt a woman with his words or his action - not even in the worst moments of his life where he could have done it."

I know what people called me behind my back. It was never my thing to care about them until Merrick came into my life. He makes me feel all these new emotions that I never felt before. I want to change for him. I want to be good for him. It stings me to know that Merrick would think that I'd hurt him on purpose. I would never want to do that. And I certainly can't entertain the thought of Merrick hating me for something I didn't do.

I don't say anything as Dean leans back and speaks again. "That's the reason why his bitch fiancée is not with him anymore. I am sorry for my language, but it's true." He shrugs and smiles at me. "If he would have been an asshole, I bet that Monica would have never left him. She couldn't stand his goodness."

"I know he is different." I nod at him and look down at my hands on my lap. "I realized how badly I was handling things and I wanted to apologize. That's why I called him over for dinner on Friday." I look up again and sigh. "You know, to clear things out and start again. We were having an amazing night until he got a call from you."

Dean looks at me, and I know he is feeling bad about it too. "Zelina, I am so sorry about it. But don't worry...I'll talk to him."

"You will?" I ask him in disbelief. "I am not sure he is going to trust me..."

"Zelina, you don't understand. Merrick doesn't lose his cool easily, and the fact that he reacted that way tells how much he cares about you and how much it affected him." Dean grins. "I am sure he feels the same for you...he doesn't want to admit it yet."

"Thank you, dean," I say to him.

"No need to thank me. I am just doing a favor to my friend." He says. "It's time he gets some senses kicked into his head."

I shake my head and then stand up. "I think I should leave now."

Alexa gets up with me. "Zelina, you can stay if you want to."

"That's okay, Lexi. I really need to go." I say, reaching for the door. I turn to look at Dean, who is on his phone now still sitting on the couch. He looks up from it and says to me. "Drive safe."

"Will do," I say to him and then look back at Alexa. "He is cute."

"I know." She grins.

I shake my head with a smile as I walk out. "Have fun..." I say to her and she giggles as I get in my car and drive away.

I still feel restless. But instead of going back home, I decide to spend a night in a suite. I check into a hotel and the receptionist smiles at me as I take the card from her. I nod and walk down the lobby, but I suddenly stop. I don't know why, but I feel like something is off. Something makes me feel like I shouldn't be here - I should go back home. Then I shake my head, feeling ridiculous, and walk towards the elevator.