Joe P
••• Fighting in the Car •••

i've been hiding in my skin
and learning how to live in my head
come cut out my heart
we'll go driving in the dark

•••••

Vania 🤝 Geo 🤝 Naomi

Being in love with Cole

(Also not to brag but Naomi predates both Vania and Geo 😌)

TW: attempted assault

On Sunday the twenty-second of June, Naomi Bonde received a notification.

Discarding her Nintendo Switch, she picked up her phone from her bedside table and smiled faintly. She'd copied her best friend's style in following ninja fan accounts, and now received personalised updates for 'The Earth Ninja.' If her crush was doomed to fail, then at least she could admire him from afar.

The ghostly form of Cole Brookestone was seen stopping a mugging on 36th Street late last night. A grainy image of him mid-battle had been posted and reposted, shared across the myriad of fan accounts. Naomi had seen (almost) every single one.

She zoomed in on Cole's transparent mask and felt her heart sink. She'd been so determined to make this year her year, but things didn't want to fall in her court. She was going to engage him with conversation between classes. She was going to ask him out. She was going to prompose. But now, she could do none of them. All of her scarce plans had been ripped from her hands without her even knowing.

Naomi fell back onto her bed and turned off her Switch with a sigh. Her mind had changed focus. Animal Crossing was promptly abandoned in favour of Cole.

Did he like being a ghost? Did he miss being human? Naomi didn't know, but she yearned to. She wanted to know everything about him. She could listen to him talk for hours and hours - about anything, or nothing, or about rocks or about the type of cake he thought was best (Naomi really liked Cole, but she'd never change her mind about lemon sour being the superior one). She just wanted to hear his voice.

Naomi dropped her hands onto her face and whimpered.

"Nomi!" Her mother called from downstairs. Then she yelled an inteligible request that had Naomi's face scrunching in confusion.

"What?" she exclaimed back.

"... go to... please..!"

Naomi pushed her blonde hair from her face and closed her eyes, sighing with exasperation. Why couldn't her mother just come to her when she needed her to do something? Even a text would suffice. Calling halfway across the house never worked.

Naomi forced herself out of her dejected state and tromped downstairs. Her mother was in the middle of making next week's batch of dinners, and her dad was helping by reading the recipes out loud and grabbing the ingredients.

"Can you pick some things up from the market down the street?" her dad asked, turning to her with a shopping list. "We're low."

Weary, Naomi held out her hand for the list.

Saturday's storm had passed but a wintery chill still hung in the air, so Naomi bundled herself into a jacket, plugged in her headphones, and shuffled her hands into her pockets to escape the briskness. The market was a good twenty minute walk, which Naomi both enjoyed and begrudged. At least it was finally sunny.

As she walked and listened to her rock playlist, Naomi pondered many things; her future, mainly. She was in a year that was her most important thus far - her exams would make or break her success in life, except... did they really?

Naomi lifted her eyes to the sky and sighed. Her breath tumbled out, a steam-cloud that drifted amongst the breeze and dissipated. Everybody always made such a fuss about college, like it was the only way to survive, the only path forward. Sure, it was important - necessary, even - for some career paths, but... Naomi had no idea what she wanted to do.

She finally made it to the market. Naomi pulled out the list from her pocket and began gathering the items while her mind continued to wander, on autopilot. She gave the occasional smile to the odd neighbour as she went about semi-crowded warehouse and filled her basket.

Naomi wasn't like Y/n - Y/n, who had known what she wanted to pursue since she was young, whose future wasn't set in stone but she was paving the way for it by brick and mortar, anyway.

Y/n wanted college. That was her path. As solid as the ground, as sure as the sun, Y/n had taken the concept of college by the throat and strangled it into a shape perfect for what she knew she needed. She'd been working for a scholarship since the moment she learnt what the word meant.

That was her future. Maybe it wasn't Naomi's.

Naomi paid for the groceries and left for the return trip home, a bag in each hand. The sun glistened against the lawns of the houses she passed, bright and cold.

How could anybody expect her to know what she wanted to do at eighteen? She didn't even know what she wanted for lunch, let alone a job to spend years studying for and then decades serving her life to. What a massive, monumental decision for someone whose brain hadn't even finished developing yet. She still felt like just a kid.

Her parents had some ideas; lawyer, accountant, dentist, doctor. High-paying, respectable, a job to dedicate years and years of her life doing something she wasn't passionate for.

Y/n was passionate. Cole and his team had their passion for being good and saving the world - they all had their purpose, their fates taut and tightened by destiny. Why didn't Naomi have a passion as consuming as theirs? Was she defective? Was she just slower than everyone else, lagging behind in some invisible race that no-one spoke of?

Pausing, Naomi shoved her headphones off and groaned. Time for a decision was running out. To college or not to college? It was like everyone in her life was pushing her toward yes while part of her was clinging to no.

It was like every one around her had learnt how to run and she was left drifting.

"Uh. Shit."

Startling at the voice, Naomi turned toward it.

A man stood beside her, his torso half-bent through a smashed in window of an expensive car. He looked about the same age as her own father, and just as shocked at being caught as Naomi was for catching him.

"This is my car," the man said unconvincingly.

Because men breaking into their own car wore black ski masks. Naomi reached for her phone. The weedy-looking man yanked himself out of the window with enough vigour to frighten her into taking a few steps back. His eyes looked a little wild.

"Hey!" Naomi held out her hand with firm warning. Her heavy bag swung, threatening to slip from her fingers. "Don't try anything, buddy. I take boxing classes with my mum." 

The man looked her up and down as if to assess her capabilities. Mind made up - the middle-aged man classic of overestimating his own abilities - he lunged for the phone in her hand. Naomi scrambled backwards and swung a bag right into the side of his face.

He staggered into the side of the car with a yelp. "You bitch!"

Naomi's heart was in her throat and racing. She wanted to say something snarky, but fear robbed her of words. The man pulled himself upright with a furious, stubbled scowl. The car's alarm began to blare loud and strong, making both jump in fright. The bags of groceries in her hands felt like they weighed the same as two small suns.

Stupid capital city and it's stupid crime rate. Naomi dropped her bags and prepared to either fight or bolt - her subconscious hadn't yet decided. I just wanted my groceries and to ponder the debilitating thoughts of my future.

The man's outrage only grew at the alarm. "Look what you've done!" Beyond angry, he turned to vent his frustrations on the only human punching bag he could see. "You fuckin' brat, I'll-!"

He never got to finish his sentence because, driven by terror, Naomi had landed her fist hard into his face. Her knuckles struck against skin against bone, sending a shock up into her elbow. They both recoiled with exclamations of pain.

The man stumbled to the ground, clutching his face and swearing spits of hurt and disbelief. Naomi wrung her hand with a hiss between her teeth. Her knuckles burned, flaming a flush of distressed blood vessels. Clocking someone's face was so much worse than the punching bag at the gym.

"You..!" the man seethed, glaring up at her.

Naomi huffed the hair from her face and balled her fists before her. She was shaking. "I'll do it again."

The man's expression twisted with disdain and hesitation. He glanced down at her fists, seeming to finally take a moment to properly think. Naomi hadn't been bluffing about her boxing classes - it'd been her mother's new summer fad that'd stuck through winter, but she was still astonished by her own success. She was practically fizzing with adrenaline, like a Pepsi that had been shaken to the max.

"Whoa, there, Rocky," a voice said from the pathway behind Naomi. "I think you've got him."

An odd, prickling sensation crawled up her spine like a cold breeze. She glanced over her shoulder and stiffened at the ghost that was marching toward her at a steady pace. His eyes held amusement but his walk was quick, as if he was both humoured and concerned.

The Earth Ninja planted himself between Naomi and the man with his arms crossed. "What's going on here?"

Cole. Naomi's throat went dry as the Sea of Sand. His supernatural presence was putting her hair on end, but her heart wasn't racing out of fear, and her face certainly didn't feel pale from it. It was burning.

The man hauled himself to his feet and looked like he was going to try to fight his way out again. Cole snickered at his misplaced confidence.

"You already got wiped out by a teenager," he said. "Wanna be smeared by a ghost next?"

Naomi flushed more. This was everything she'd wanted - minus the attempted assault part, of course - but her mind was blank. She'd imagined so many different conversations she and Cole would have if they ever met again, but right now, she just wanted to run home and hide.

The man surrendered, dolefully slumping against the blaring car. Cole zip tied his wrists around the closest lamppost before lifting a hand to the side of his mask and speaking quietly. When his eyes turned to Naomi, she felt herself falter again.

Despite his green, ghostly appearance, they were still brown. They were still the same soft, rich hickory that were stroked through with orange when the light was right. The same warmth, the same earthy calm that had ensnared her the first time they'd met. They were the eyes Naomi had been daydreaming about for over a year.

She felt her chest harden and lungs squeeze, as if she were standing beneath the faucet of a concrete truck. She cycled through words to say like they were a deck of cards, but all the cards were blank. What if she said something that made him think she thought he was scary? What if she made him feel awkward? What if Naomi liked him too much and it was spilling from her skin like an aura too vivid to contain?

Cole's gaze dropped to the concrete and Naomi took the chance to take a breath. Her lungs yearned for it, and she stood, silently gasping like she'd just been drowning on dry land. 

"Uh..." the Earth Ninja planted his hands on his hips and put on a gruff voice. "The, uh- the police are on their way."

She nodded. Cole looked at the car with its alarm still blaring, the disgruntled, restrained man, and then back to Naomi and her shaking arms.

"Do you want me to..?" He gestured to the bags at her feet. "I can walk you home."

Naomi lost all the breath she'd managed to gather. Just like last time.

Cole, confused by her frozen silence, raised his brows from beneath his mask. Before he could mistake her shellshock for horror and rescind his offer, Naomi began to quickly nod.

"Please, yes." Naomi looked down at the bags and nodded again, as if to reassure herself. She managed to pick them up for him to take. "Thank you."

Cole's eyes crinkled with his soft smile. Naomi swallowed as she held out the bags, and when their hands grazed she flinched at his unnatural touch. Cole winced with guilt at her shocked expression.

"Sorry," he apologised wryly. "Ghost things. Makes people jumpy."

Naomi wanted to curl into a ball and scream into her knees. "That's- it's okay."

The ninja's mask shifted with his grin. Naomi led the way back to her home, watching the ground and brushing a thumb over her sore knuckles. Each of her steps were two of Cole's. Her heart couldn't quit its speed.

"You doing alright?" Cole asked. "That was a solid punch. How's your hand?"

Naomi held it to her chest with a thin smile. "Sore." She peeked at the side of his face. "And 'Rocky?' Really?"

The Ghost Ninja shrugged. "It's a classic movie reference and a pun in one. What's not to love?"

Naomi giggled. Cole glanced at her with slight alarm, as if not expecting her to find his quip funny. Her smile grew as a pleased look crossed his face. She had to turn away before her knees could fail and really make a fool of herself.

Naomi gnawed on her lip as they walked. The sun still shone, the breeze was still chilly, but the entire day had changed. It seemed cleaner, somehow. The air tasted sweeter.

"I know, by the way." Naomi's face flushed at her declaration. "I know it's you."

Cole baulked. The bags in his hands began to phase through his fingers, but he managed to catch them before they could hit the ground and spill. The look he sent Naomi was all wide-eyed and full of shock.

"You do?" he asked.

"Yeah." Naomi smirked at the memory of her finding out. "I walked in on a pair of lovebirds during a live rendition of Surgery."

Cole's brows furrowed in confusion before understanding crossed his expression. His eyes closed with exasperation. "Of course."

Naomi chuckled. "Have they given you much trouble?"

Cole winced at the reminder of the colossal shitshow the day before had been. If Naomi didn't look concerned, then he'd wagered that Y/n hadn't told her what happened yet. A stone of guilt began to sink his stomach into the ground.

He knew that Lloyd's secret was always going to be a difficult topic for him to talk about, but it was something serious - a necessary knowledge. To keep it from Y/n would only grow more cruel the longer she was kept in the dark. As is, Cole couldn't understand how Lloyd kept it from her for so long. Time just kept slipping away.

He'd only been talking to Naomi for less than half an hour, and he was already desperately holding back from blurting out his own secret. The secret that kept taunting him; the future he saw with her by his side. The girl he hadn't even spoken to since summer, but she who his thoughts would sometimes drift to nonetheless. It was all so crystal clear in retrospect. Of course it would be her.

Did she even like him? Well, maybe eventually. He wasn't sure. And he certainly couldn't be sure while he was a ghost.

"Yeah," Cole said, and thanked the stars that his mask covered most of his expression. A topic change was desperately needed. "How have you been lately?"

Naomi hadn't noticed the way he'd stiffened. She didn't yet know his tells.

"Oh... you know, just having trouble deciding what to do for the rest of my life," Naomi said with casual hopelessness. "Small things."

"Yeah?" Cole glanced at her with a soft gaze. "Why don't you tell me about it? I'm told I'm a great listener."

Naomi met his eyes and was almost struck breathless. Even as a spectre, even when her skin was still prickling at the presence of something supernatural and wrong, she was melting.

"Okay," she said, a little breathily and flustered.

She didn't have the care to clear her throat and regain her composure. She would let herself melt and melt until she was but a puddle on the cold cement. Maybe she would blush so much that it warmed all of Ninjago right into summer. Cole didn't look like he minded. Maybe he thought her flush was from shock.

After confessing all her grievances, Cole offered the best of advice her parents would despise;

"It's okay to not know what you want to do," he said. "You've barely lived your life yet. Don't sink yourself into something if you're not sure of it, and definitely don't let anyone decide your future for you." He turned to her with a serious look. "You're the one who's gonna live it, not them."

Naomi smiled ruefully. He made it all sound so easy. "You're pretty wise for a guy who makes Rocky puns."

"You sit in algebra class while I listen to a millennia-year old sensei's wise anecdotes," Cole said. "It was bound to rub off on me."

Millenia? Naomi peeked at him. "... what's it like being a ghost?"

Cole sighed, long and slow and leaving no warm breath tumbling through the air. Naomi huffed a little, seeing her own curl before her.

"It's cold," he said. "... I miss the rain."

"The rain?"

Cole nodded, a wistful look in his eyes. Though she couldn't understand why he'd miss the rain when it poured with fury only yesterday, his longing almost tore her heart in two. She suddenly felt his yearning for the rain. She wished for the storm to reappear and water the world again.

"What do you miss about it?" she asked.

Cole inhaled deeply without a real need to - it was habit, a settling breath to gather his thoughts. There was a sad sort of intimacy in the way he stared at the cloudless sky, like he was missing an old friend.

"I miss the feeling of it," he slowly answered. "I miss the way it falls into my hands. I miss the way it runs down my back and soaks my hair. I miss how it can be cold for only a second or be freezing enough to make me shiver. I miss the smell of standing right beneath a rain cloud. I miss the way it sounds when it falls all around you, when it lands on concrete, or when it hits grass and trees, or my jacket. I miss flying through it, and going so fast that the rain drops sting. I miss flying through fog and feeling like I'm in the middle of nowhere, like everything else doesn't exist."

Cole sighed morosely. Naomi was silent, chewing on his words like they were food for thought. It was like he was heartbroken over it. Maybe he was.

Naomi turned her eyes to his forlorn face, half-hidden within his mask. She could see through him, but she saw only him. It was like she was wearing blinkers, a hyperfocus centred solely on the man beside her.

"... can you not touch the rain?"

"No liquids at all," Cole answered. "I'll disappear."

A bolt of cold slashed Naomi down the centre of her being. She looked up to the sky again, just to double check that there really were no clouds.

"Oh," she said with a quiet gasp.

"Sorry," Cole weakly chuckled. "Didn't mean to be a downer."

"God, no, don't apologise!" Naomi shook her head. "I can't imagine what it must be like. I'd miss the rain, too."

Their eyes caught before bouncing away after a moment too long. Naomi began to chew on her bottom lip again while her heart did laps. Cole rubbed his thumbs across his fingers.

Naomi stopped outside a suburban home which he'd deduced was her's. By the small trike lying out on the grass and the Transformers toys strewn on the driveway, he also guessed that she had a younger sibling. He didn't need to guess why he was disappointed at their conversation being so short.

"It's nice talking to you, again," Naomi said. "Honestly, I thought you'd forgotten me."

A lock of hair had escaped her ponytail, the strands shifting in the breeze and glinting against the sun. Cole's hands clenched. How could he ever forget one of the few people who actually spoke to him? People were either too afraid of him because of his size or they ignored him because of his proximity to Lloyd. But she wasn't. She didn't.

Naomi, who spoke to him with such ease that it unsettled him. Naomi with the cerulean eyes, one with a flick of grey. Naomi, the girl he'd liked and didn't even realise it for so long.

"Nah." Cole forced himself to look out at the street, as if he were assessing for any kind of danger that could lurk in a sunny suburb full of young families. "I've got a good memory. I tend to remember people."

Out of the corner of his vision, he could see her smile to herself. His chest warmed. The cold of his untimely, cursed death was briefly chased away.

A nugget of gold popped up from the grass beside his shoe like a flower unfurling from its bud. Cole looked down in surprise. Naomi startled.

"Oh. Uh... is that normal?" she asked.

"No," Cole sighed. "Well, kinda. Yesterday's solstice messes with our powers for a bit." He bent down and retrieved the small piece of gold, brushing the dirt from its crevices. "Do you want it?"

Naomi's eyes bulged. "I- I shouldn't."

"Don't worry about it." Cole dropped the nugget into one of the shopping bags, and Naomi felt very real culture shock - were random bits of gold just normal to him? He held out the bags with a grateful smile. "Think of it as a thank-you for keeping our identities secret."

Naomi blushed redder than a sun setting over the desert. She hesitantly took them from him, and she had to suppress a shiver when her fingertips grazed his hands and sent another jolt along her nerves. This time, it wasn't because he was a ghost. Her arms no longer shook.

"I really don't need a thank-you, but... thank you." She peeked up at him with a grateful smile.

Cole was once again thankful that his face was hidden by his mask because, ghost or not, blood or none, he was sure his blush would've been visible. He cleared his throat and shrugged a shoulder. He feigned nonchalance like a pro.

"Yeah... no worries."

Naomi's phone dinged. She pulled it out and checked the screen, only to see that another ninja fan account had posted. The preview photo was the same one of Cole that was spreading around earlier.

Shit. She shoved her phone back into her pocket with burning cheeks.

She was beginning to flail. The disbelief had faded and big, fat dose of reality was catching up - she needed a pillow to scream into, stat. She needed to shriek and dance and fling her arms in the air, because this was Cole, she'd finally spoken to Cole, and he was so cute and sweet that she was going to explode.

"I should get going." Cole stuck a thumb over his shoulder and began walking back down the street. "I'm still on the job. It was nice talking to you again, Naomi."

Even just the way he said her name had her all giddy. Naomi had given up all hope of hiding her blush. It bloomed even redder, colouring her with fluster and the purity of a first love. Cole noticed. The surety of his future with her solidified, and a strange, elated sense of joy warmed him further.

Naomi nodded. Cole smiled, gave a loose wave, and bounded off into the city with a spring in his step.

As soon as he was gone, Naomi rested the bags on the ground and crouched with her head between her knees. She took a few deep, calming inhales, all which failed. When she fished out the small, gold nugget, her breath caught, and she pressed it against her chest with a squeal of a laugh.

She was still grinning when she brought the groceries inside and helped put them away. She was on autopilot again; her mind focused only on the past half-hour. Of the touches they shared, if only brief. Of the way his eyes warmed when he smiled.

"What's got you all happy?" her dad asked.

"Nothing," Naomi said, before quickly making her way upstairs and pulling out her phone.

🍃🍂🍁🍂🍃

11 unread messages

jesus💗:
i'm so sorry
Sent yesterday 1.17pm

jesus💗:
please y/n im sorry, i never wanted to hurt you
Sent yesterday 4.38pm

jesus💗:
please talk to me
Sent yesterday 4.39pm

ding butt:
Hey y/n, are u doing ok?
Sent yesterday 6.41pm

like nya?:
I can't imagine what you're going through right now but I know that you're hurting. I'm sorry. We're all sorry.
Sent yesterday 6.47pm

jesus💗:
i know i fucked up. please let me make it up to you
Sent yesterday 11.52pm

jesus💗:
i'm so sorry sunshine
Sent 1.23am

garden nome:
OH NY GOD?!,!!, YOU WINT GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENEDNJAJAJAJAJSJSJ
Sent 11.42am

garden nome:
I RAN INTO COLE?!! and we TALKED GHHHHRHHDAHH he's so cute i thought i was gonna die i s2g
Sent 11.42am

garden nome:
he misses the raaiiinnn  😭😭 hess so sweet i cant
Sent 11.43am

garden nome:
girlie call me crazy bc i think i am in LOVE
Sent 11.43am

I dropped my phone onto the duvet with a wearied sigh. I didn't have the energy, mood or motivation to reply to any of them. I snuggled deeper beneath my duvet and returned my attention to the movie playing from my laptop.

When I woke up late that morning, I felt numb. I remained numb when I recalled the hectic events of the day prior, numb when I cycled through the feelings of betrayal and hurt that sat within my ribs, waiting for their encore act. I felt numb when I recalled the terrible secret that made me feel sick, and I felt numb when I remembered the devastated look of desperation on Lloyd's face.

I felt my numb heart crack just a little more.

Mum stopped in the doorway again. I hadn't felt like going downstairs to eat, so she'd retrieved a bowl of porridge and a banana for me instead. Both sat on my bedside table, still uneaten. This time she was carrying a cup of hot chocolate to stave off the chill and soften my misery.

"Oh, honey," she said as she handed the mug into my outstretched hands. "Is this Fellowship of the Ring?"

"Extended edition," I mumbled.

Mum sent me a sympathetic smile. "That's how you know it's really bad."

I managed a weak smile in return. My sigh was heavy. She perched on the end of my bed and patted my calves from over the covers.

"Did you know that it was Zane who called me?" Mum shook her head. "I didn't even know he had my number."

I dolefully watched as a sopping and frightened Frodo and co entered Bree. "At this point I think it's safe to assume that he knows everything about us."

Mum paused. "That's, um... concerning." At my failure to laugh - or show any convincing emotion, she frowned. "Can you tell me what happened, sweetheart? Did you and Lloyd have a fight?"

I blinked away an onset of tears that took me by surprise. "No. I mean... I don't think so." Was it a fight? Could you even call a desperate attempt to escape a fight? A fight meant that we would've been angry, but neither of us were angry. Just shocked, and scared. And hurt.

Really hurt.

I pushed myself up to sit and paused the movie. I couldn't even think of where to start - the entire ordeal was such a mess, and it uprooted me so violently that I was left ungrounded. It was like I was spinning in a chasm of darkness, unsure of my direction, unsure of where up or down or west or east was.

There were words I wished I hadn't said and I regretted leaving in the way that I did, but what else could I have done? The world was closing in on me, tighter and tighter with each plead for me to stay, to understand, worsening with each new set of eyes. Escaping was the only relief.

Maybe it was the coward's way out. Maybe my reaction made things worse. Maybe it was a fight.

I thought the only secrets in the monastery were the ones about prophecies. I thought the only ways in which we were all bound to silence was by Fate. But Lloyd's secret - one which I still couldn't even begin to understand - was a choice they all made. Lloyd made that choice for seven months.
 
He was fourteen when we started dating? But he wasn't? My head had been pounding since the very concept was introduced to me in the blurt of his panicked confession. An unsettled feeling made the underside of my skin crawl and itch.

I told Mum what I could; faceted anecdotes that followed no coherent order, a product of my jumbled thoughts. I stared at my hands as I spoke; picked at the scabs and plasters from where they'd went skidding across the gravel. Mum was solemn and silent the whole time. Her disbelief was as loud as my own.

"Do you have any advice?" I weakly asked, because Mum was always my go-to person for advice.

But this was out of her ballpark. This wasn't just our mundane relationship troubles, this was the disordered turmoil of magic and laws in a world that we were both still struggling to grasp the very concept of. I needed direction, that of which she had none to give.

Mum turned to me with a lost look in her eyes. If she was lost, then there was no hope for me to find myself. "I don't know."

I dropped my head and closed my eyes. The numbness from before was gone; my pain was fresh and agonising, and my confusion was even worse.

"I don't, either," I whispered.

🍃🍂🍁🍂🍃

I had a test on Friday, so I made the admittedly poor decision of going to school on Monday.

"I can't believe you wanted to come in today," Naomi murmured in an attempt to amuse me. "I would've taken the chance to have the whole week off."

I'd ended up calling Naomi yesterday afternoon and, after hearing her joyous recount of her morning with Cole and then her realisation that my energy was dull in return, she insisted on hearing about my problem. What a problem it was.

"I have a test," I quietly said.

"You also had a bombshell of a weekend," she reminded. "Just make sure you're looking after yourself. School isn't everything."

But if I didn't force myself to focus on schoolwork, then I'd just think about Lloyd. It was already a failing mission not to think of him as is.

I clamped my jaw when we passed by a group lingering around their lockers, forcing my gaze to remain ahead. Part of me lagged behind with them, unwilling to let go. I felt torn in two. I was fractured.

Naomi hesitated. "... do you want..?"

I knew who she was talking about. Even without the tug of my soul begging me to lessen the space between us, then the weight of his melancholy was enough to tell who was staring after me.

I shook my head. I couldn't talk to him - not at school, of all places. I wouldn't be able to keep myself together.

"Okay." She looped her arm through mine. "Then we keep walking."

I sent her a grateful smile. If there was anyone that could sail through crazy bullshit with barely a hair out of place, it was Naomi. Hell - she'd found out that her crush was cursed into a ghost and she still pursued him without a second thought. She was steadfast, she was unflappable. If there was anybody I could depend upon, it was her.

I wished I was as unflappable as she was, because when we when walked toward my art class, I felt each step of mine grow heavier and heavier. Reluctance dragged on me like an anchor. Lloyd would join me in there, sitting beside me, our proximity nothing more than a breath apart.

I lingered at the doorway. My aversion of entering the room was obvious.

"Hey." Naomi planted her hands on my shoulders and stared me in the eyes. "You've got this."

I really, truly doubted I had much of anything under control, let alone myself. Naomi gripped me tighter.

"You got this," she said with more conviction. "And if it's too much, text me and we'll ditch."

I had no other options. My nod was weak.

If there were any spare seats at any other desk, I would've taken it in a heartbeat but this class was unfortunately full. I took my usual spot while a foreboding sense of doom hung over my head. Nobody else would let me sit beside them, anyway.

I busied myself with quickly setting up and continuing my work on my current piece - the first of a small series of themed artworks that would make up our final portfolio. My hand shook as I sketched out the lines of an ancient temple.

It was as if my senses were entirely tuned to Lloyd; I felt him enter the room rather than saw him, felt the shift in the air and the extra thud of my heart. I felt his tension and the words he wanted to say but didn't dare to. His bag thudded to the floor. The chair beside me squealed across the linoleum as he took his seat.

Neither of us spoke.

I couldn't focus. My entire attention was on Lloyd; of each adjustment of his seat, of each stroke of his pencil against paper, of the way his long fingers would spin the page. His brow was furrowed with a deepness that suggested frustration, but his eyes were dim. They lacked his usual spark - but I supposed they'd lacked it for a long while.

Why couldn't you tell me? Why do you never tell me anything? Why do you always pull away from me? I just wanted to know who Lloyd Garmadon was without his sanitisation. I wanted to know his rough edges and unfiltered past. I wanted to know what made him, I wanted him to stop shutting down and keeping so much of himself secret. He never allowed his walls down.

How was I supposed to love only half a person? It was like he was stranger to me.

I'm not important enough for him, the nasty little voice in the back of my head said. Why would he put his heart on the line? He's finally realised that I'm far below his league. I was always dragging on him. He never loved me the way I love him. And it wasn't true, I knew it wasn't, but sometimes those awful voices could be so convincing.

Lloyd's green eyes lifted until stopping just before me. I followed his gaze to my hand, which had fished out my Yang medallion and was rolling it between my fingers like a coin in habit. My heart sunk.

How could he make a promise like that when our relationship was so full of secrecy? I didn't know him, not really. I still didn't know him. He was so confusing. And heartbreaking. I both wanted to hold him tight and run far away.

I slipped the medallion beneath my shirt and returned to my work while I spiralled into agony. His gaze lingered. I ignored it with the all the skills I'd gained from ignoring the rumours, stares and whispers that the student body had thrown at me. But his stare was worse. His guilt pierced my heart.

When Lloyd slid a pocket of tissues my way, I finally noticed that my eyes were watering. It was torture to have him so close and be so gentle and caring. My body sung for his, yearned for comfort, but I rooted myself to my spot. I took the tissues with a whisper of thanks.

As I patted away the teariness I'd hoped wouldn't show (a naive wish), I made a mistake. I caught Lloyd's stare.

He looked wretched. Like he was being clawed from the inside, like his soul was being bitten and torn in two. His face was of heartbreak, so potent and consuming that I'd feared he'd never feel anything else again. Guilt radiated from him like an invisible luminescence.

My eyes welled afresh. I wasn't even sure if I was crying for him or because of him, but whatever the cause, I felt it choke me. With a brutal look of self-reproach, Lloyd tore his gaze away.

How awkward this was. How painful.

I left a minute before class ended.

It was strange to walk the halls without Lloyd with me to distract ourselves from the unsavoury remarks and dirty stares, and weirder that I knew he was around. I felt singular. Vulnerable. A rabbit in a crowd of wolves that feasted on my loneliness.

At least economics didn't have any of the ninja. I was able to relax a little bit, unaware of how tense I'd been from sitting beside Lloyd.

I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted to talk, but I also wanted to stay quiet and ruminate alone. The sting of betrayal was still fresh. How could I look at Lloyd and his team and forget how they kept me in the dark for so long about something I really should've known sooner? Didn't any of them trust me? Hadn't I proved myself?

They kept telling me I was part of the family, but how true was that? It didn't feel true. They wouldn't have let me stay naive for as long as they had if it were true.

I spent my morning break remaining behind in economics, pretending to myself that it was only to get a head start on my homework. Laughter and chatter rang in the halls outside. Inside, I was alone. It was quiet. 

I was okay with this.

I was okay with this.

I could be okay with this...

My lips sucked into my mouth and I bit them hard. The scribbled words on the notebook before me blurred. I could be okay with this.

My head bent to touch the desk. The suffocating pressure in my chest didn't ease when I began to cry, it only worsened, and then I cried some more.

Naomi was right. Coming to school was a bad idea.

🍃🍂🍁🍂🍃

garden nome:
where r u?? you ok??
Sent 1.42pm

Me:
at the library. just want to sit by myself today
Read

garden nome:
:(( ok bbg
Sent 1.42pm

garden nome:
let me know if theres anything i can do
Sent 1.43pm

Me:
i will, thank you 💕
Read

I leant my head back against the wall of my go-to nook, a space half-hidden between two shelves of books. There was a novel in my lap, a new release of a series I'd particularly enjoyed, but I'd yet to open it. It lay on my thighs like an afterthought.

My teeth bit into my nails as I stared off into space. Maths had been awkward with both Jay and Kai sharing my class, but I'd at least found an empty desk to use instead. English I had with Naomi, and then promptly disappeared on her the moment the bell rang. My thoughts were getting too putrid, too loud. Our friends would only worsen them. I needed to be alone.

  Maybe this is a relief for Lloyd and his family. Maybe they never really liked me and all I'm good for is my powers. My powers I can barely use. Maybe all Lloyd felt was infatuation and it finally began to fade. That was why we were so fast. That was why he always pulled away. That was why he was Alcatraz.

I drummed the heel of my palm into my forehead. My thoughts just wouldn't quieten - and they were all lies but they wouldn't stop. Maybe the disheartened part of me was beginning to believe them.

"Y/n?" A familiar voice called my name with warmth. I looked up to find Chen gathering study books with one of the blonde girls from his cheerleading team. His smile fell at the look on my face. "Hey, are you okay?"

  Absolutely not. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Chen's brows knotted like he didn't believe me. The girl beside him leant toward me with earnest. I vaguely recognised her as one of the girls he was hanging out with at the amusement park - she was the one who'd asked if Lloyd was paying me to sleep with him. My chest twisted with dislike and unease.

"What'd you do to Garmaboy? He's all sad and depressed." There was an intense, predatory gleam to her eye, as if she wanted to feast herself on gossip. She brightened with an idea and laughed in disbelief. "If this was some long-term plan, then wow, that's impre-"

"Maggie!" Chen hissed. "What did we talk about?"

My stomach upturned itself with nausea. "This wasn't a plan- we just had a disagreement, that's all."

Maggie rolled her eyes. "Boring."

Chen watched her leave with a unimpressed frown. When Maggie disappeared around a row of bookshelves, he turned back to me. His expression softened with sympathy. I shuffled over to make room for him when he gestured to sit.

"Sorry about Maggie," he apologised as he sat beside me. "She's... stubborn. But at least she isn't being awful to Lloyd's face anymore."

I didn't realise that Chen had been trying to convince his friends not to bully him. Despite my confusion and turmoil over Lloyd, I sent him a grateful smile.

"Did you have a fight?" Chen asked.

I turned my eyes away with a sigh. "I dunno." When Chen tilted his head in a silent request for me to elaborate, I grimaced. "We probably shouldn't talk about it here. It's... sensitive information."

Chen's brows raised in understanding. "Oh... is it a work thing? Is he not around enough for you or something?"

I wished it was that easy. "A bit more complicated than that, unfortunately."

Chen made a hum of thought. I pulled my legs into my chest and hugged them.

"Well, whatever it is, I'm sure you two will figure it out," he said. "You guys are crazy about each other."

I turned to rest my cheek atop my knees. "You think so?" I weakly asked.

Chen faltered, and then he sent me a look of total shock. "You think he isn't? Y/n, do you even see the way Lloyd looks at you? C'mon, you're smarter than that."

I rolled onto my forehead and groaned. "I know. Well... I think I do. My brain's just being stupid."

"I mean, even the way he bashed me into the side of a building for insulting you," Chen said in amusement. "That was pretty obvious."

I closed my eyes at the reminder. "I know."

"Sorry again, by the way." His awkward grimace was overtaken by the ping of a memory. "Oh, and the way he looked after I told you guys that Axon was... y'know. It was like he was gonna tear him apart!"

"I get it," I grumbled. And he kind of did.

Then I recalled the conversation we had after we finally got Lloyd back from Morro; how pleased and excited he was when I said I wanted him to be my boyfriend, and then his uncharacteristic allowance of my questions. Of his confidence in me. I finally got to see a part of him that he never showed anyone.

'Do your eyes turn red when you're feeling love?'

His eyes were always red around me.

"I've tormented that guy enough to know what it looks like when he doesn't want to be somewhere," Chen said, his voice a touch softer. "But he never looks like that when he's with you. So tell your brain to shut the fuck up, 'cause it's not helping."

I sent Chen a sad smile. "Thank you."

"Hey, man. Anything for the girlfriend of the guy who hates my guts."

I scoffed in amusement... though couldn't deny it. Chen knew where he stood.

It was nice to talk to Chen. And after the topic of Lloyd and I was done, it was nice to talk to someone about the simple things, like the dastardly cafeteria lunches, or the ridiculous amount of school work we had to submit for different classes on the same day, or a video game that Chen had bought or a book I had read.

I used to have this mundane escape with Naomi, but even she'd been pulled into the Elemental Master's crazy world by her involvement with Cole. Chen was aware but he didn't have his foot in it like she did. We didn't talk about prophecies or battles or training. We just talked, and I enjoyed it more than I ever thought I would've.

I hadn't realised that we'd spent the rest of the lunch chatting until the bell rang for class. I blinked in surprise. Had time really flown by that fast?

"Who would've thought?" Chen mused mostly to himself as he picked up his bag. "Us being friends."

"It's a surprising turn of events," I admitted. I took his offered hand and was pulled to my feet. "But I like it. I prefer it over the other outcome."

Chen's smile was all warm and humoured. "Me, too."

I was finally feeling light and airy, reassured of the imaginary problems my own anxiety was sprouting for me. The real issues still scratched at the edge of my mind, but I tried to focus on the good emotions swimming around in me after my chat with Chen. Who knew he was such a good distractor?
 
They all abruptly vanished the moment I stepped out of the library. Magnetised, my gaze lifted to the two students walking down the hall, and I felt the coldness of regret and pain return when I found Lloyd's green eyes. Both him and Nya looked equally baffled when they saw Chen at my side.

I froze. Dread consumed me. Chen was amicable with the team now, but they certainly weren't friends. Least of all with Lloyd. He wouldn't think this was calculated, right? That I did it on purpose? He knows I wouldn't, right? I wasn't predisposed for revenge, I wouldn't hang out with Chen just to hurt him.

Lloyd's expression was a kaleidoscope of emotions; hurt, disappointment, guilt, frustration. I didn't get a chance to see which one he landed on, because he turned his face down and continued past. His walk was stiff, his lip bitten, cheeks red with feeling. I felt part of me call out for him, but my mouth remained wordless with shock.

Nya hesitated, sending me a torn, confused look, before following after Lloyd. I watched them leave with despair.

Chen awkwardly hissed between his teeth. "Shit. Sorry, Y/n."

"It's fine," I said shrillily. I carded a hand through my messy hair and begged myself not to cry again. "It can't get worse than this, right?"

Chen patted me on the back with a sigh. "Let's get to class."

I didn't like the way he didn't agree, but I wasn't sure if I'd prefer a lie.

🍃🍂🍁🍂🍃

"Can you focus, please?" Kai asked with exasperation on a Thursday afternoon. "This is supposed to be a partnered exercise. I can't exactly do it by myself."

The ninja were in the outdoor training court of the monastery, surrounded by repurposed tennis ball machines of which clay projectiles were being spat out with alarming speed. Kai and Lloyd stood in the centre of a circle of them. Shattered pieces covered the concrete around their feet. The rest of the team watched with varying expressions of reluctance.

Another clay piece shot out and sailed past Lloyd's sword. It whacked Kai in the middle of the back.

"Ow-! Lloyd, seriously!"

Kai wasn't the only one with bruises. Lloyd was littered with them, blooming yellow patches beneath his training gi. His skin ached. His muscles quivered. He couldn't seem to stop them, his sword kept swinging too wide or too tall. It was such a simple exercise, too.

"I'm trying," Lloyd replied before grunting when a projectile smacked into his thigh.

In the corner of his vision he could see Cole running a hand down his face. Garmadon stood by, observing it all with an indecipherable frown. The bitterness within Lloyd swelled and thickened.

Lloyd knew this was bad. He knew he should've been better - hell, this was an exercise he'd usually do blindfolded. He'd just never been so scattered before; so angry and frustrated at himself, so riddled with guilt and regret.

He used to be so in control of himself. Before his heritage started showing through horns and fangs. Before he met Y/n. He was the Green Ninja - that was all that mattered. That was all Lloyd Garmadon was.

It was like all the emotions he used to never let himself feel came slamming into him all at once. He was jumbled. Drowning.

Another clay projectile clipped his chin. The bruise stung. He staggered back into Kai and almost sent the both of them toppling to the ground. One hit Kai in the shoulder, another shattered against Lloyd's shin, and they both hissed in pain. Just as well this wasn't a mission.

"Concentrate!" Kai snapped.

Lloyd gritted his teeth and huffed with annoyance. His grip tightened over his sword's hilt. Why couldn't he wrangle himself back into control?

"He's been getting worse all week," he overheard Nya whisper to Jay. "Why can't they just talk?"

Because it was obvious she didn't want to talk by the way she'd been avoiding him since Monday. Not that he could blame her. Every time his mind wandered, it would always go back to the way Y/n's face crumpled when he told her the truth; the hurt and disbelief, the utter shock and heartbreak.

Why couldn't he just tell her sooner? He knew that more stalling would only lead to a worser reaction. Of course Y/n was hurt. He should've told her about his magic-age-situation months ago.

He should've told her about a lot of things months ago.

And Chen - Lloyd could still smell his scent on Y/n, a sticky, tacky thing that clung to her clothes and wrapped around her locks of hair. It was wrong, she smelled wrong, but there was nothing he could do. She'd made it clear she wanted time apart. Pulling her aside and hogging her space until she smelled right again wasn't exactly respectful of that.

God... could Lloyd get any more strange? It was a miracle that Y/n was okay with all of his genetic inclinations as is, that she'd stood by him while they tried to figure out what exactly was going on with him. Clearly, she had limits. Keeping his age secret wasn't like having purple eyes and tusks. Omission was still lying, after all.

No wonder it hurt Y/n to look at him.

"Lloyd!" Kai yelled. He'd been hit again.

With a frustrated yell, Lloyd threw his sword at the closest machine. It sliced into it as if it were warm butter, a perfect, mocking hit. A clay projectile weakly spat from its mouth and clattered to the ground. Everyone froze with surprise. Having had enough, Lloyd stalked to the edge of the courtyard with a stormy, complicated scowl. He was humiliated by their stares.

Zane quickly turned off the remainder of the machines by his master switch. Kai wiped his hair from his sweaty forehead and sighed.

"Hey-"

"Don't." Lloyd cut him off before Kai could impart any of his brotherly wisdom he'd given from over the years. He picked up his water bottle and busied himself with drinking between pants. "I don't want to hear it."

Kai glanced at the rest of the team and helplessly shrugged. Nya shook her head with weariness.

"That's enough for today," Garmadon said. "Go take a break, the rest of you. I would like to have a word with my son."

The team filed back inside the dojo to cool down and clean up. Lloyd bristled at Garmadon's approach. He didn't feel like listening to anyone's advice, not even his father's.

"Aren't you just the pro at driving people away?" Garmadon pulled the sword from the destroyed machine with a grunt.

"I'm really not in the mood," Lloyd bitterly muttered. He was struck with a flash of guilt - Nya and Jay would have to fix the machine just because his anger got the better of him. It wasn't the first time he'd lashed out at the equipment during trainings.

"On the contrary," Garmadon said as he walked towards his son and held out the sword. "I'm in the perfect mood to talk about it."

"Well, isn't that just great for you," he sarcastically said. Garmadon's calm smile didn't waver at his remark. Lloyd took back his sword and released a tired sigh. "How did I let it get this bad?"

"You were afraid."

"So? I hurt her!" Lloyd argued. He dropped his head into his hand and groaned. "I was so afraid that I ended up hurting her. Why couldn't I just tell her?" His laugh was shallow and dripped with pain. "She's never going to talk to me again."

Garmadon frowned with thought. Lloyd didn't need shallow reminders of who Y/n was. They both already knew that she loyal to a fault - so much that Garmadon may have even considered it to be her fatal flaw. It wasn't a bad one to have.

What Lloyd needed was a metaphor to reshape his thinking. Garmadon was never great with grand speeches - that was more Wu's style - but he was particularly good at metaphors.

He toed a large chunk of clay into the air and kicked it into the back of his son's head. Lloyd yelped, ducking down with a hand to his hair. He turned around to send his father a withering glare.

"What was that for?!"

"Did that hurt?" Garmadon plainly asked.

Lloyd pulled an incredulous face. "Yeah, obviously!"

"That clay piece was your secret," Garmadon said. "You are Y/n, and that clay piece was your secret. It hits when you least expect it. It will throb and bruise. But the pain will fade."

Garmadon kicked another piece toward his son. It was sliced through with the blade before it could hit its mark. Lloyd glared at his father from down the split of the blade, confused and annoyed, but listening.

"The pain will fade, but you will not forget the feeling of it," Garmadon continued. "The memory of your pain will be prepare you for the next blow. You know what to expect, now. You can slice it away before it will hit you, and then you will not hurt again."

Lloyd was silent.

"Yes, you hurt Y/n," Garmadon said softly. "But we expected this. It was never going to be easy to tell her the truth about your age. But Lloyd, the pain will fade over time. And when that does, when she comes to you to talk - and she will come to you - you must let down your guard."

Y/n had always been loyal. She had been loyal from before she even truly knew him, and Garmadon saw that loyalty seeping from her when they first spoke in Mistaké's tea shop. Prophecy or not, that loyalty was a token part of Y/n's character, just as Lloyd's selflessness was part of his. It would never wane nor fade, not even in the darkest of days or brightest of nights.

Lloyd needed to trust that loyalty. He needed to allow himself to be vulnerable for once.

If there was anybody he needed to let his gates open for, it was her.

The tip of Lloyd's sword dropped to the ground. It scratched against stone, as low and disheartened as its owner. Garmadon walked up and placed a hand on his son's shoulder.

"What if I don't know how to?" Lloyd quietly asked. "I want to tell her everything, I just- I clam up whenever I try to, I... I shut down. What if I'm not able to do it?"

"You will," Garmadon promised. "You love her, yes?"

Lloyd's cheeks flushed. Everybody obviously already knew, but it was still embarrassing to confess that to his father.

"Yeah." He answered without hesitation, anyway.

"Then you will learn," Garmadon said, and squeezed his shoulder. "You will keep trying and you will succeed. Love is not the absence of fear, Lloyd, it just soothes it. You need to remind your fear about how much she means to you." He released his son and returned to switch on the tennis ball machines. "Now, come on. Your form was atrocious."

Lloyd shook his head with a weary smile and got into position. His head felt much clearer. His sword sliced through the clay projectiles with his familiar precision. "She's upset with you too, you know."

"Yes, I am aware." Garmadon sighed forlornly. "That is why you must bring her back so I can apologise. I miss my daughter-in-law."

Lloyd flinched with bashfulness and almost missed his next mark. "She's not your daughter-in-law!"

Garmadon watched his son with melancholic pride. He'd been through so much, and there was more he'd go through still. But he was good. He always tried. And though they were largely opposites, Y/n was just like him in that way. They would get through this.

"Not yet," the Sensei corrected with a smile.