You cannot always meet the horizon of your dreams with your eyes.

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Being paranoid is something in a situation but what about feeling nothing? What about closing your eyes and the little mind of yours stopped working? And there is nothing!

That's what I'm here at nothing!

I didn't know and I didn't even realize when I fell on my knees in the mud that was sinking me in its power.

I was shaking; my heart was throbbing against my chest, and all those blurry memories of him kept coming back to me.

I wanted to stop them from coming back at me but it didn't stop, It fucking didn't! Now all I have of him was his memories, his blurry memories.

When the realization hits me on top I realized I lost it! I lost everything in me... I lost the most precious thing in the world. I got stuck in the cage of storms with my body chained. And let me tell you one thing before my mind can stop working... This is the worst feeling of life. you have nothing to hold on and in the meanwhile, you can't go back to being the way you were back before. You are just stuck with no going back in the past, neither in the present nor in the future.

My body was shaking, as my skin has thousands of pins attached to it.
It was strange, strange to see that the wind started flowing strangely, the chime of it has a strange effect.

There was no moon in the sky. No stars in the sky. And I'm wondering where they have got? They were gazing at me when I was not here, and suddenly they were gone?

They were gone as they have witnessed something which was scolded, and prohibited in their world.

Tears started welling up in my eyes... I was lost I didn't know what to do. My father, which I have only met when I was a child has gone... My fatherly figure has gone, and the worst thing is that I realized it too late. He was gone to a different world in the previous year.

How bad daughter I am?

How can I fucking didn't care in these previous years?

And I cried so hard as this world is going to end, I cried so hard that I couldn't stop myself. I cried as I've never been cried before, and I cried like my life is only dependant on it.

But it won't change anything!

As breaking my self was not enough the thunder engulfed in the sky, and that sky which has no limits started crying with me. Pouring down all its tears on me mixing it with my own.

Like both of our sins got mixed breaking all the barriers of this world.

How can you not realize anything? How can you be so stupid? You always thought about yourself! How can you never see the symptoms of nature before? How can you do this!

I remember that day when the first time I found out his Polaroid in the cupboard. He was smiling and I was with him.

The only thing that I could ever imagine in this stage of being vulnerable is his smile.

That smile that was waiting for me to see has vanished in another world. I wish I could see his smile once again.

And I know sometimes, wishes never meant to be granted they only meant to keep dreaming.

A hand stroked my back from the tenderness, but it looks foreign to me.

'I'm sorry," his gentle voice caresses my ears as he hugged me from behind my back. Maybe tried to engulf me in his arms to console me.

And I cried more. Shattering my heart in the millions of pieces binding everything in the lost world.

"I should have told you before."

Remembering all the blurred memories of him with me and mom.

Oh, mom has any idea about it?

Oh my God I need to tell mom about it

But will she want to listen to it?

Or what if she doesn't care enough to have the audacity to know about it.

"I should have told you before,"

There is nothing I could do now except to stream down tears from my eyes.

What he should have told you before?

What? The fucking  He should have told me before?

I look up from the agony of myself and stare at him valiantly when my whole body was shrieking with immense pain

"What are you talking about?" I tried to say. Yes, I tried to say because I can't hear my voice.

It was another thing to call someone when you are already broken inside but what about those who are already living under fire waiting to get burn in their sins.

"I should have told you before from the beginning, " 

He again repeated those words which he was uttering for about half an hour.

I wanted to know whatever he was saying but he is stuck. Not saying a word more than it may be I need to collect myself to hear whatever he has to say.

I stood up and grabbed his collar from my fingers so that we can look directly into each other eyes.

And the stance fact is that he was not ready to meet them he was avoiding that eye- contact like a fall trap.

I took a deep breath and didn't give him a chance to move his head from that position 

Glared at him so hard and asked with caution," tell me everything! Every fucking thing since the beginning!"

He bolted up from my touch and took a step back.

And silence fell between us. Between the eternity of us. The silence of life is amazing; one of it has just ended its hope in this life period. And the ironic thing is I don't even have a single vision memory of him except some blurriness.

And another silence is standing ahead of me which is more dangerous because I have no idea what is about to come.

I bought up my voice to ask him again, but he beat me up.

"I'll tell you everything because you still have no clue about anything, "

He muttered while jogging up to where was his car.

****

The only voice that was coming: my rapid breath, my own choked tears, and his silence. He has parked his car near an open space where you can only see the limitless sky.

I was looking towards him like my life is belonging to this and he was looking ahead.

Those brown orbs which have been the heartthrob of girls are looking flustered and lost; both at the same time.

And it is making me afraid about the outcome.

But no matter what I wanted to know the truth to know everything whatever my heart and I'm missing. I can't let this slip from my hands, and before everything I need to control myself.

I rubbed my hands altogether; prepared myself for the unknown battle; opened my mouth to finally asks all the questions, but he was already looking at me and already stated his side of the story.

"I knew you before even entering the Cross River High School." he sighed.

"What?" I yelled, but I was not prepared for yelling that was just a sudden outburst of my emotion when I realized how could something like this happen.

"Shhhhhhhh..." he put his accusing finger on my lips to keep my mouth shut.

"If you wanted to know; you just need to listen. You need to listen to every possible thing that I need to say."

And at this moment I realized the distinction between silence and tranquillity.

He was in tranquillity and I was in silence.

"Yes. I have known you before even entering this school, you may don't notice me at first but I tried every fucking possible thing to get in your attention...

And I tried to remember before the beginning of everything did he tried to look after me?

.....but it was very hard. It was very hard to do it when you have no personality of your own and that's when I got an idea. I thought if I make myself a playboy in everyone's eye I will get popular...

Hooking up with the girls just to get my attention? is he really serious?

..still, it was very hard to do anything to enter your life. And then Veronica Stratford started giving me signals. I thought it was a good way to get in everyone's attention, and especially in yours...

What???

..that day when you saw me kissing her in the hallway when the first time you looked at me and it was all planned. I wanted it to happen!
But it didn't quite work out the way it was supposed to be. She wanted to things go higher with her and for that she became crazy. Remember, how she spread a rumour that we were dating. She tried to interfere in my personal life. That's when I realized I did a mistake to be with her.
And that's when the trouble began because she thought it was happening because of you.....

Did he kiss her just to get my attention?
Does it mean he used her for me?

..after that, all those incidents were were me inviting you to my house, or coming to your house were happening to look after you. Because I just wanted to be there, and that's when I realized you were living in an illusion. You were not even yourself lately.
Did you change yourself completely Amanda just for your mother?
There was nothing left in you except following her; that's when I realized you need to stand up and fight it.
And then comes that Student Of The Year Competition.....

Yes. Then that comes that competition and you had my name in it because you wanted it so

... I thought this is the perfect opportunity for having things like they were before. For having arising that fierce confidence in you which you had years ago. So I gave your name to it. Though I already knew that you were going to decline it. Somehow, I pushed all your buttons and provoked you at some time. Thank God that it worked out...

Of course, why wouldn't it work out on me? I still remember his harsh words that sliced my heart.

...I've known in the millions of years that you were going to win it. I've seen that sparkle inside you which was long lost: got faded with the time...

Oh really? But it doesn't matter because I lost it! And when it's done. It is done; you can't change the precaution after the outcome.

...I thought that this thing will be the only thing that needed to change; somehow, I realized I was wrong when I met your mother. She manipulated you! She told you all fucking lies, and you were already worshipping her......

Yes. She did what she wanted.

....And in the meanwhile, you cleared first round; as expected. There were whispers all around that you were going to win when you make your presence stood in the second round. You made me proud, and I so wanted to tell you everything that's why I sang photograph song for you, but you didn't get a hint of it.....

He was locking his eyes with mine. Saying all those lyrics as they were meant to be for this moment.

....And at the time of last round, everyone knew that you were going to be the star student of the year because that's the way you were: A winner.....

Don't you know I fucking lost it?

.... I made that bet in my conscious state. Because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be a nerd to understand it. but I made a mistake! A mistake of you challenging me to play my role. And above all that someone made a fucking video of it; make it viral in the whole school...

I still remember those glances at me.

...I don't know how but Veronica won. And as I expected you declined to accept that offer of mine for which I was glad. But I forget about your mother and the way you took challenges. I tried so hard for you to give up but you didn't. And time was slipping second by second so I forced you to ask your mother about Uncle David; indirectly...

I looked him hard in his eyes. Does he say that he cares for me that he did everything for me then why every time I saw him he was kissing another girl?

As he sensed this question enough by my stare. He tapped on his chin, " the first time I kiss you at the party, and yes I knew you were the girl in the red. My girl.." he blushed.

Did he blushed or am I seeing a dream?

Wait a second. He fucking knew it! It got me almost depression whenever I thought about that kiss because he didn't know me. And now he is saying all opposite?

"Why did you never accepted it? And what about the images I saw in the newspaper of you kissing other girls almost at the same time?"

I simply asked him because it doesn't make any sense.

His jaw clenched and those veins were popping out from his arms when he cleared his throat, "I never accepted it because it was too soon for you and I didn't want to take a risk but seeing your just one glance! I fucking lost all my control.
And for your second question; I did that to be in media. So that my family won't pressure me."

Pressure you for what? I wanted to scream but no sound came because I was too busy getting all red and shy.

Somebody kill me, please!

"And what about today? Who was that girl?" I asked him maybe too much because my jealousy was lurking out through my tone.

And the devil smirked, "jealous for me? I liked it!"

"Answer the question." I heard my voice getting nuts.

And in just a split second his face changed. His stony face showed a sign of pain. " That girl is mad and more than that my parents are mad because they wanted me to date her so that they can have more opportunity to expand their business. I know it looks all stupid to hear but that is what reality is they send her ahead of the whole crowd so I can't do anything!"

And I heard and heard and heard..but still, I was clueless about him knowing me.

"How can you have known me for years?" my bored eyes met with his.

He took out a polaroid from his breast pocket and showed that to me.

The same polaroid which I found in the cupboard months ago.

Me, my father, and a little boy.

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I hope I'm not too late to post this chapter on New Year's Eve.

Have a great prosperous Happy New Year to all you guys❤❤❤❤💕😘