this is an unpoetic, fairly crap poem about appreciation.
this is a look back at a person,
the child who had to grow up,
because everyone has to grow up.
this is a reminiscence on the person they turned into:
egotistical and insecure, arrogant and terrified.
a person who tried so hard to be authentic that their words felt sharp, on their tongue, on others' ears.
a person who shielded a decent-enough heart behind a shell to stand out and fit in, and ended up realising
they hated themselves for it.
this is a pondering on the moment a switch flipped,
and the mirror reflected everything and nothing all at once.
the sudden inability to catch a breath, tears rolling down their face, hating, hating everything they had thought or said or done.
this is an acknowledgment that change was hard.
it was painful.
it felt good and horrible, often simultaneously.
it felt forced and yet necessary.
this is a shoutout to the times when they pushed themselves to feel guilt, to see other sides of everything and drag all the blame onto their shoulders, because they didn't think they could be both good and happy at the same time.
this is a raised glass to the days where they felt hollow.
the nights where their mind revisited every mistake and flaw with
startling vibrancy and
no rationality.
this is a sigh at the poison that seeped from small things to everything.
appearance.
speech.
little things that don't come to mind anymore.
this is a hug for the times when they tried so hard
to be kind to others
and tried so hard
to hate themselves
(and succeeded, too).
this is to the dwindling hope for better days.
this is to the barricade of lies and terror and lack of trust.
this is to the feeling of burdening others.
this is to the defeat, the broken mind
in a misshapen body,
sitting on the floor and
wishing they had the energy to end everything.
this is to the nights.
you know those nights.

this is to the person who they were,
the awful person they turned into,
the better person they tried to be
(while hurting themselves in the process).

this is to the person who learned to stand again, and keeps trying their best.
this is to the person who smiles at themselves in the mirror.
the person who now has hope.

this is a letter for everyone to see.
this is a poem to me.

***

dedicated to x_A_Bookish_Brit_x <3