Colt Knox

She doesn't speak, doesn't say a word in reply to my fumbled profession of love.. Instead, Mikki just keeps watching me with those stunning and scrutinising sea-green eyes, suspicious and uncertain..

The room is so quiet I can hear the sound of her startled inhale and the anticipating thud of my own pounding pulse..

The roaring silence is unbearable, uncomfortably tense. I can't stand it, so I break it.. "Sugar? Would ya put me out of my misery here?"

She nods thoughtfully, taking a small, determined step towards me and steeling herself.. "Charlie used to say to me, 'people don't tell you who they really are.. They show you'.. I always thought there was some kind of truth to it, but--"

She blinks up at me, scrutinising and harsh.. "You haven't done either.. I don't think you know how.. And for that, I feel sorry for you.. Because even I can't imagine a lonelier existence.."

"Aw, fuck me.." I breathe as her words cut through me, razor sharp and laced with a toxic truth..

With fatigue wearing on her delicate features, she reaches up to rub at her temples, as if trying to press any thoughts of me right out of her head.. "But I'm too tired.. I'm tired of this.. I just don't have the energy it takes to believe you.. Believing that somebody loves you shouldn't be hard.. It shouldn't feel like this.. It should be as easy as breathing.. Nothing between us has been easy, has it?.. No.. When you say those words, Colt, what I feel-- is exhausted."

I had expected her to hold me in contempt and still, its fucking agony.. Worse than a kick in the guts or getting thrown from the saddle.. Worse than taking a bullet for the first time..

The sinking in the pit of my stomach and the stab in my chest amplify to choke me.. I didn't know anything could hurt this much.. I didn't think my heart would actually feel broken.. But it does.

I refuse to let her see that pain, disguising my weakness with cold indifference.. I don't want her guilt or pity, I don't want anything other than what I can't have..

All I can do is accept the consequences and take ownership of my actions.. That was always the plan.. Her hating me..

I always knew this result would be awaiting us at the end, I feel stupid for letting my feelings for her blind me, I had cheated myself into suffering in all the ways I'd been determined to avoid since Savannah dissappeared..

Because that's what happens when people care about me..

Adeline, Josette, Savannah.. They loved me and I lost them all.. Hell, even Juliette is sure to wake up one day and see it..

I ain't never been no good.. I ain't never gonna be.. And I had proven it.. To her.. To myself..

Mikki deserves a better future.. A better man.. Better than I'll ever be capable of being..

Still I can't fucking control it.. I can't turn it off or ignore the way I feel about her.. I fucking love her.
Seeing the tears in her eyes now and the unmistakable unhappiness in them, it tears me apart..

"I understand.... I didn't come here to make you cry.. 'N I sure as shit don't wanna make it no worse, I'll leave ya be, Sweetness.." I turn to cut out, needing to remove myself before the cracks in my unaffected facade begin to show..

But she isn't done twisting the knife just yet..

"Don't you want to know the best part, Cowboy? You know, before you leave me here, in this fucking psych-ward, - thankyou very much for that by the way.." She adds with soft sarcasm before I can escape..

I freeze, keeping my eyes on the door, unable to look in her eyes.. "I dunno, do I wanna know?"

She sighs, wistful and longing, like making a wish.. "If you hadn't lied to me.. If you had told me the truth from the start.. Maybe I could have given you a different answer just now.. Maybe it would've been the answer my heart wanted to give.. Instead of the one you forced me to.."

I turn to meet her gaze, trying to decipher exactly what she is saying..

I think it means that she feels it too.. Or at least, she did..

Her heart..

I don't dare to presume it changes anything.. Except that now I am certain..

Mikki De'lucca keeps a place in her heart for me..

She might hate herself for it, but she feels something for me and that is all the motivation I need right now..

A small token of hope to delude myself with, just a little longer..

I force a smile, committing to memory the sweet slope of her delicate, upturned button-nose and the pretty pout of her ruby lips .. So beautiful.. Damnit.. "If I hadn't been lying to myself from the start, maybe I could'a done that.. I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20."

She smiles weakly.. "Yeah.. I guess so.."

Reluctantly, I smile back, knowing this is probably the last time we will talk honestly like this.. Maybe not at all.. And I'll never feel this close to her again.. "I'll--uh-- see-ya, Mikki.."

She chews the inside of her cheek.. "Goodbye, Colt."

Fuck!

I slip out of the room and pull the door closed, hearing the lock click into place, I stop to lean against the wall.. Trying to maintain my composure through a complete loss of dignity.. Her rejection rolls around my head, all the while a dull ache throbs in my empty chest..

This is exactly what I had been trying to avoid, all my life.. This empty, internally devastating feeling..

If this is love, I don't fucking want it..

"Hey there handsome.." A familiar silky pur has my foggy head snapping around to see Lemon, approaching quickly down the linoleum lined hallway towards me.. The click of her shiny leather high heels echoes down the corridor as she slinks closer.. "Long time, no see, Lover-Boy.." When she reaches me she smiles slyly, reaching up to wrap her arms around my neck, drawing me into a tight embrace..

To be honest, I never understood what Lemon saw in me.. I'll admit, we never made a whole lot of sense together, since we couldn't be more different..
But now?
Aw, hell.. Now I can see that we ain't different at all, and the reason Lemon was interested in me seems obvious.. Because I'm full of shit.. Just like her.

"Uh.. H-hey Lemmy.." Stunned by her overly affectionate approach, I move to quickly detangle myself from her hold..

She hadn't wanted much to do with me last time we saw each other, I'm pretty sure her exact words to me were, 'I need a man who wants it all, and that isn't you.'

I wasn't driven enough for Lemon.. I didn't have the ambition to match her own, and she was smarter than to settle for a guy leagues beneath her.. Really, I didn't care all that much at the time..

Now, I'm beginning to think I should have seen it as the warning that it was..

That I was wasting my life.. I AM wasting my life, because it's not like anything has changed..

Look at where the chain of command has gotten me? Fucking nowhere..

So I don't get what the fuck has Lemon all riled up and rubbing herself against me like a thirsty kitten.. The only thing different here is...

Mikki..

Fuck..

Just like that, I realise my mistake..

It was probably a bad idea involving the woman I used to fuck in the defence of the woman I am in love with..

Knox, you're a dead-set dumbass..

Lemon giggles, a flirtatious trill that reminds me of a jealous ambition in the woman I had long forgotten about.. "I'm glad you called, Knox, I've actually been thinking about you.."

Yeah.. Lemon is a competitor.. She always has to win.. She has to be the best..

I glance back towards the door, hating the idea that Mikki might overhear our conversation, which I worry is exactly what Lemon wants.. Lord knows why she wants it that way, but it's a little more complicated than I care to explain right now.. "Uh-- Yeah? Look, I--uhh-- I appreciate you comin', helpin' Mikki like this.. It's mighty decent of ya, Lem.."

She smiles.. "You know I'm not doing it for her.." She presses in closer as her touch settles on my forearm to give a little squeeze.. "I've missed you, Lover.."

I take a swift retreating step away from her.. Away from the scent of frangipani that tangles in her sleek black hair.. "Jesus Christ, Lemon.. Stop."

She makes a playful pouty face, her steely eyes glittering excitedly.. "What?"

I return her bemused expression, scrunching up my nose.. "What the hell are you doin'?! I don't have time for this.. Quit it with the thirst girl--"

She shakes her head and scoffs, still not taking me seriously.. It's a game to Lemon, fun and flirting.. She doesn't know me well enough to read my mood.. She coul't know the last thing I'd be interested in right now is her special kind of mind-fuckery.. "You don't have time for me? Seriously? What is going on with you, Lover? You're all grumpy and jumpy--"

"I-- Look, I just-- I got alot goin' on right now.. And this--" I wave a hand between her and me to imply that I am talking about 'us'.. "It aint never gonna happen again.. Those were your words once, Lemon.. 'N now they're mine.."

"Huh.." She hums, her expression tuning annoyed, irritated even and yet something close to impressed at the same time.. She tilts her head curiously.. "Fine then.. Business it is.. I heard about the suspension, are you okay? I have the number for an excellent veterans-union attorney if you need--"

I hold up a hand to stop her.. "It's alright.. I deserve the suspension, Lemmy.. I broke protocol.. Actually, Harris has grounds for termination, so I should probably count myself lucky.."

She frowns.. "Lucky? Colt, Specter are the lucky ones.. Between all the shitheads Iris has collected here there isn't much moral substance, but you--"

"I am the worst of 'em all." I finish for her, because whatever she was about to say wouldn't be true.. I can't allow her to believe otherwise..

"How so?" She rolls her eyes..

"I'm a fuckin' hypocrite.. Jesus Christ, I'm just like 'em, Lem... I'm exactly the same.. Where else am I gonna go?" I shrug..

Her hard glare softens, just a little.. "You have other options, Colt.. You know the offer from Roan County Council is still on the table--"

I shake my head, rejecting the idea before she even gets a chance to make it an open discussion.. Career prospects haven't been a priority before, it seems unlikely I'd be about to start today of all days.. "Nah.. That ain't me.. I ain't even thinkin' about that shit right now.. Besides, if it doesn't work out here I can always go back to the Corps.."

Lemon makes a judgmentally amused face.. "Oh, I'm sure Juliette would just love that.." She checks the time on the dainty face of her polished gold watch before turning her attention back to me.. "If it isn't sex and it isn't work, then what is it? Maybe I can help?"

I rub my hands together, resisting the urge to crack my knuckles, not wanting to display the discomfort I feel trying to evade her questions.. "You're already doin' enough, Lemmy.. Really.. It's all good.."

She flicks a glance over my shoulder before she narrows her stony eyes on me.. "It's her, isn't it? The Don's daughter.. You should have known she'd be a problem.."

I look over my shoulder to the door that holds Mikki captive.. My sweetheart.. "Nah.. Mikki ain't the problem.. I am."