Author: kaeden_hunter
Package deal: Bronze.
Payment made?: Yes
Interdiction:"YOU DARE AVOID THE STRIKE OF YOUR RULER?" She screeched. The atmosphere of the air pattern dark and heavy, and several students that we're moving among the wall froze, their eyes filled with tears.

Critic review: Since this is a bronze package deal then one paragraph is in order.

The first chapter I feel could have used more information. You have a good thing going and you definitely have that nice hook that would have a reader interested. However, you need more details. Who is this girl? Who is the girl in the red fancy dress? Why is the girl in the red fancy dress trying to kill the other girl? In any type of stories you create the first chapter has to have some type of character detailing or at least some history on the place that you're character is at. It's mostly good if you have both of these, these will create your first chapter longer length. It also gives the reader an insight on what is going on and from there they can make a decision if they want to keep on reading or skip to next book. I would really go back and take a look at your chapters and try see what type of important details you might be able to add.