Saturday, February 10th

I wake up the next morning with a sore throat and puffy eyes. When I recall kissing Miles, the first thing I think to do is brush my teeth three times over. Just remembering his lips makes me sick.

I try not to let my mind wander over the words he said to me; I try to protect myself from falling victim to his manipulation and arrogance. But the more I try to push myself away from the idea of him, the harder it becomes to ignore the things he said about me.

I did end up being able to call Isaac last night, which only came as half of a surprise to me. I thought it would be too late over in Nevada; I assumed he'd be sleeping already. But after the fourth try, he finally answered the phone, albeit sounding pretty drunk to some degree.

"Is everything okay?" He had asked me despite not being fully present, which was a sweet reminder of our friendship. This year was really testing our bond for a while there but in the end, we're closer than we've ever been, even though he still thinks my relationship with Chase was only a ploy to get to Miles. Too bad that ended horrifically.

We ended up talking for hours. I wasn't sure if Isaac was at a party or just drinking with his sister at home, but he stuck around while I spilled everything to him. I know it's technically against the rules, but the Dating Game was over and there weren't any of Holly's minions around to test my loyalty. At least I'm really hoping there weren't any of them hanging around.

I told him how it all started at Holly's New Year's party when she stole me away in the middle of that stupid argument we'd gotten into. I talked about how the whole plot of the game was so surreal and how I surprised myself when I agreed to join. Isaac started to question if the Michelle that agreed to the Dating Game was the same Michelle he brought to that party; I didn't know what to tell him.

I ranted about anything and everything related to the game. The rules, the dates, the moment I realized I developed feelings for Chase, the moment I realized I've only ever been in love with the idea of Miles rather than him as an actual person. Of course, drunk Isaac could hardly contain himself with each new detail I told him about, but he promised to keep it chill until I was less emotionally vulnerable.

And then I told him about my dad. And how shitty it felt going through all of that without my best friend by my side. We'd shed a few tears as I explained to him my mother's hustle and the nights I spend babysitting Naomi rather than living like a normal teenager. He tried to apologize but I couldn't accept an apology that he had no obligation to give me. I was just glad to finally tell him about everything. No more secrets between us.

When I finished catching him up on absolutely everything, he spilled the drama happening in his life.

"I hope you know I didn't choose to go with Sonia entirely on my own," he had told me, making sure to elaborate by revealing his parents kicked him out of the house after he tried coming out to them. He would've asked to stay with me but since we were in a fight, and he can be a petty guy, he decided to move out to Vegas with his older sister who couldn't have cared less what he identified as.

Our entire phone call was a much-needed debrief that benefited both of us and it felt good to know my best friend again. I've missed him so much ever since he left. Plus, he always had a way with words, especially when trying to give me advice. Usually, I'd be too stubborn to follow through with whatever he would suggest, but this time, he encouraged me to do the one thing I'd been too scared to do all day.

///

Before I can even fully register the decision I'm making, my hand is already knocking at Chase's front door.

There's a moment of stillness that almost feels embarrassingly long until Little Chase finally opens up the door and greets me.

"Hi Liam," I say with a smile. He looks me up and down like he's trying to remember how he knows me. "Is Chase home?"

He nods with a plain face and opens the door wider for me to enter. When I walk inside, I recognize his parents in the kitchen together, slow-dancing to some foreign music while food is cooking on the stovetop. The aroma fills my senses, but not enough to distract me from the despair that swells in my heart. Something about watching his parents be so happy with each other just makes my situation feel all that much worse. I'm happy they're happy though. Truly.

I make my way to Chase's room instantly. Usually, I'd make sure to greet his parents as soon as I walk into his house, but both of their eyes had been closed and I had a feeling I wasn't going to catch their attention any time soon.

When I reach the familiar door, I hesitate for just a moment.

I'm here for comfort; I'm here to find solace in his company and hopefully apologize for doubting him when he tried to warn me about Miles. I should have listened to him from the very start but of course, I just wouldn't allow anyone else's opinion of Miles to be correct. It had to be mine. God, what I would give to take it all back.

But that's the thing—no matter how difficult life has been treating me this year, Chase is the one good thing that has been keeping me grounded. I fear without him, I simply wouldn't have been able to make it this far, and that's why I have to knock on his door and face this all head-on.

"It's open," I hear Chase announce from behind the door.

I take one final deep breath before turning the doorknob and creaking the door open. "Hey."

I watch confusion flash across his face when he recognizes my voice. He looks up from the book he's reading, clearly shocked to see me. "Hey?"

I take a step inside, closing the door behind me only slightly. "You look good," I tell him without realizing the underlying implications it may have. "I mean— you know; you look healthy."

"I would hope I do," he says with a concerned grin, setting his book down on his nightstand and sitting up on his bed. I want to join him but I don't want to give him the wrong impression, so I just keep my feet planted on the floor. Then he asks, "Is everything okay?"

God, I hate him sometimes.

I hate that there's nothing I can possibly hate about him, actually. Because, of course, when I show up at his house unannounced after essentially dumping him for money, his first response isn't anything along the lines of Why are you here? or I don't want to see you. No. His first response is to ask me if I'm okay.

Every time I think I've moved on, he throws another part of himself at me that I just can't help but... well, I guess there's only one word for it, isn't there?

He shows me another part of himself that I just can't help but love.

"I'm sorry," I tell him immediately, even though he never asked for an apology of any sort. "I should've called or texted first, but I really wanted to see you."

A soft and silent yet devastating energy brews between us. "Michelle..." he says ever so slightly, as if speaking my name too loudly will rupture this perfectly platonic bond we've had to adjust to.

"I just mean I wanted to talk to you," I reassure him, taking a seat closer to him. "Something happened with Miles."

And just like that, Chase's soft and melancholy expression shifts to seething rage. He seems to be so upset that he simply cannot sit any longer, which I can only assume is what is happening when he practically jumps from his bed and dashes over to me.

"What did he do?" He starts to interrogate me instantly. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay," I tell him truthfully. "He didn't touch me. Not like that, at least."

I stupidly think that would calm him down, even just a little bit. But looking at the veins in his neck, I realize my words might just have had the exact opposite effect.

"Michelle," he says calmly despite the fury in his expression, "I swear to God, I'll fuck him up."

His response catches me off guard at first; I'm not used to seeing such an aggressive side of Chase. But his skin is practically emitting smoke, the way he's so heated over Miles being an asshole. I haven't even told him about the things he said to me.

"It's not what you're thinking," I tell him in an attempt to chill him out a little so that I can vent. "We kissed and he wanted to take it further but I didn't, so I pushed him off of me and he complained about how he was only seeing me because everyone thinks I'm easy and put out after the first date."

"Why the fuck would they think that?"

I shrug. "Apparently people think you and I hooked up after a day of being together."

He shakes his head in anger, but I can tell he's trying to compose himself. "God, I'm so sorry, Michelle. You don't deserve any of this."

"It's okay, I'm a big girl; I can handle some stupid rumors. You don't have anything to apologize for," I tell him. I expect him to admit that I'm right or that he feels bad anyway, but there's just a wave of conspicuous silence that passes by instead. It's hardly noticeable, but after spending so much time with this man, I can guarantee something feels off.

"Still," he insists, though I can't shake the odd feeling so quickly.

Chase takes a seat back down on his bed and takes a deep breath until he realizes I didn't follow him. Then he pats down beside him on the bed and I swallow down my nerves before taking a seat next to him.

"Are you okay?" he asks warmly.

I nod, and I mean it. "Yeah, I am. I told Isaac what happened and he was a lot of help."

"Oh, that's good! I noticed you guys haven't spoken much since he moved away."

"Yeah, it's been hard, but we got pretty much all caught up last night."

Chase nods. "So, if you don't want me to kill Miles and Isaac helped you cope with everything," he starts to say slowly, clearly trying to choose his words carefully, "then why did you come to see me?"

For the first time during this entire visit, I look Chase in the eyes. As soon as it happens, I know there's no coming back. I've thrown myself into a trap he didn't even know he'd set, and I wasn't going to be free for a long, long time. Because as soon as I look into his eyes, I realize the truth is creeping up quicker than I thought it would, and there is no longer any time, need, or even desire to continue to deny it.

There's nothing else to be said but the unsaid. I love Chase Matthews.

I feel my body pull toward his as if he were a magnet and I was metal. I act before thinking, which isn't a common occurrence for me unless I'm around Chase. Then suddenly everything just happens without me thinking twice. Just like this very moment, where I am so clearly leaning in to kiss him, and he isn't the slightest bit interested in pulling away.

Until his phone begins to ring. Then the earth shatters when I realize the universe is sending me a sign: I can no longer get so caught up in Chase Matthews. Not if I want to risk the five hundred dollars that could still very well be confiscated from me and my family if I break the rules.

Chase sighs. "That's probably Carmen."

"Right," I mutter as if I'd forgotten they're together. I haven't forgotten. Quite frankly, I just didn't care for five minutes.

He picks up the phone and I take the opportunity to leave before things get any more conflicted between us. I try to drive home satisfied; after all, I'd gone over there to see him like I wanted, and we were able to catch up after not speaking for a while. But now, even with the clarity of my feelings toward him, I can't help but feel even more confused than before.

Monday, February 19th

There's nothing easy about forcing yourself to actively avoid the person you unfortunately love out of fear of what you would do if you were alone with them. I feel like that's a simple concept to grasp, though I never truly understood how painful it could be until a week after coming to terms with my feelings at the worst time possible. And now, as I await the next bell in the girls' bathroom, I realize I'm not doing well.

I mean, who could do well in this situation? How am I supposed to walk the halls of my high school listening to everyone and their mother gossip about "Cactus Valley's New Hottest Couple, Chase Matthews and Carmen Gonzalez!" It's exhausting.

And what's even more exhausting is how ridiculous I feel every time my heart aches at the sight of them.

It shouldn't affect me. I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to play that stupid game at Holly's New Year's party. But it's clear that what I assumed I'd be getting myself into happened to be the exact opposite of the end result. Never in my life did I think I'd fall for Chase Matthews.

But then he had to end up being a genuine, talented, hilarious, heartfelt man who has only ever had his loved ones' best interests at heart. I can't be dense and pretend I can't see that he has, or at least had, feelings for me. But for more reasons than I'd like to accept, neither of us can act on those feelings. It has to be this way.

I may be in pain but I will not allow myself to risk my stability for a man. Not even the man I'm madly in love with.