The choice was once
your choosing,
before losing

became my loss.

I was there in

your forgetting--
until I was forgot.

- Lang Leav

"Why are you so nervous?" I ask myself while staring in the mirror. I tuck a curl behind my ear and then untuck it again.

Josh. Of course that's why I'm nervous. When I invited Josh and Ellie to come to our game night, I didn't think through how anxious it would make me to welcome him into my life and spend an evening acting like everything's okay when we all know it's not. We haven't even talked about our shared past, only alluded to it in vague references. I yank at the waistband of my capris to make sure they cover the extra fat around my waist and straighten the soft cotton t-shirt I wear. I considered wearing a dress, but I thought better of that when I realized I might have to sit on the floor while we play games. I get way too competitive to have to worry about modesty while I kick butt in Monopoly.

"Rachel, people are here!" Hina calls.

"Coming!" I exit the bathroom and take a deep breath.

We're just two old friends who are hanging out. There are going to be quite a few other people as well, and there's always Ellie to act as a buffer. The problem is when Josh is around, I tend to forget anyone else exists.

As I enter the living room, Hina opens the door and welcomes in two girls and a guy, friends of hers from her many freelance jobs. She offers them red velvet cupcakes and gooey macadamia nut cookies while making hurried introductions. I smile and nod to the newcomers but step to the window as soon as I can escape. Where is he?

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I see fifteen texts from Ellie narrating their drive to the apartment. The most recent text says We're here! Where are you? Through the window, I see an army green Jeep pull up to the curb and Ellie hops out, her blonde waves bouncing on her shoulders. I feel a pang of sadness when I realize that Josh doesn't drive his old red truck anymore. We had so many memories in that thing, but like so many of those memories, the truck is in the past.

"Josh and Ellie are here," I tell Chloe. "I'm going to go let them in."

Chloe raises a sharp eyebrow at me but says nothing. She was skeptical when I told her Josh was coming to the game night, and even though I know she only has my best interests in mind, I can take care of myself. Probably. Maybe.

I leave the apartment and clamber down the stairs, my heart pounding in my chest. Our previous encounters have all been coincidental, but this is intentional, a step towards reconciliation, a step towards the future.

"Hey, guys," I say as I open the door. Josh and Ellie turn to me and they both smile. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"Hi!" Ellie exclaims and wraps me in a hug. "This street is so cute! What about your apartment? I bet it's adorable. You probably have it decorated super cute. I can't wait till I can decorate my own apartment."

When I turn to Josh, my heart goes offbeat, pumping erratically, and his presence drowns out Ellie's chatter. He smiles at me fully, his iridescent blue eyes disappearing in crescent moons. For a moment, I see his nerves as he runs a hand through his dark hair that's grown long and unruly since his college days. Then his smile glows white against his dark beard and he steps toward me. Before I can react, his arms reach around me and he pulls me to his chest in a hug. My head falls into the crook of his neck as I reach around him and hold him against me. He's warm and safe and strong like he's always been, and my body surrenders to his in seconds, to his familiarity, to our history. He feels like home.

I wonder if he can hear the pitter-patter of my heart through every place our bodies touch, but I can't convince it to stop racing. It's been so long since I've been held like this, by the person who can ignite a fire inside of me that I cannot quench. Josh holds me in the embrace for a few seconds longer than he should.

"Hey, Rach," he murmurs, voice gravelly and hot against my ears.

"Hey, Josh," I say, pulling away from him before I lose myself completely. "Uh, you guys want to come on up to the apartment? There's games and food and stuff."

I turn around and head up the stairs so Josh can't see the blush spreading over my features. My heart pounds out of rhythm in my chest, from the hug rather than the exertion, and I fight to stay calm. I can already feel myself losing control.

"So, uh, this is where we live!" I say as we enter the apartment. I introduce Chloe and Hina to Ellie, who goes off to explore our apartment.

"Care for a cookie?" I ask Josh, offering him the platter.

He grins at me. "Did you make these? Or are they your mom's? Her chocolate chip cookies are killer."

Another shared memory. I laugh. "No, not Mom's. Hers are pretty incredible though."

Chloe steps next to us and laughs. "Did you seriously just ask if Rachel made all this food?"

Hina hears the topic of conversation and jumps in, "Have you ever tasted her cooking? She's awful."

Josh grins at me. "Actually, she made me chicken noodle soup once, and it was pretty great."

He remembers. Years ago, Josh had a horrible break up and fell off the face of the earth for a while, skipping meals and classes. I made him chicken noodle soup to console him.

"Seriously? And it wasn't burnt? Or too toxic for human consumption?" Chloe asks.

"It was perfect," he answers, never looking away from me. His eyes glow with meaning, and though I open my mouth, I can't find the words.

"Uh...yep. Thanks."

His eyes pull me into swirling depths that I can't decode. I revel in the sensation of falling, the adrenaline coursing through my blood, the goosebumps on my arms, the way my entire self gravitates towards him.

Hina clears her throat. "So, uh, are we ready to play some games?"

The spell between us breaks and we turn to the rest of the group, now a gathering of a dozen people--a few coworkers from the Post, Hina's friends from work, the three roommates, and Josh and Ellie. We split into two groups, and Josh, Ellie, Chloe, a few of the people from the Post, and I settle on the floor to play Clue.

I sprawl on my stomach between Josh and Chloe, and we crowd around the game board. Thank goodness I didn't wear a dress. Josh slides closer to me and our arms brush. I expect him to pull away, but he doesn't. Does he know the effect even an innocent touch like this has on me? It takes me back to falling asleep with my head in his lap, to stolen kisses in the hallway outside of my dorm room, to curling up on a picnic blanket together under the stars.

I'm so lost in the simple touch that Chloe has to say my name twice before I choose my character. "Oh. Uh, Mrs. White. I'm practically an old maid already, so why not."
Josh laughs from beside me and the rumbling melody brings a smile to my face. There's something different about him today than the two previous times we encountered each other. Before, he was hesitant and almost shy, so different from the confident, charming Josh I remember. Even with the hesitancy, there's a new intentionality and consciousness to his actions that I don't remember; he considers the consequences of his actions in a way he never did before. But today, he's charming and confident again. I realize that I like the man he's become even better than the boy he was.

The game winds to an end and Josh, Chloe, and I are the only ones who haven't been eliminated by bad guesses. I have the weapon, I have the room, and I just need to identify the suspect. It's Josh's turn, and he goes into the library. I'm near the kitchen on the opposite side of the board, one roll away from my final winning guess that will allow to identify the final piece of evidence, whether Miss Scarlet used the rope or the candlestick.

"Okay, so how about, the wrench in the library with..." Josh tilts his head and grins at me mischievously. "Mrs. White."

I jerk around to him, tossing my cards on the board. "Are you freaking kidding me? We know it's not Mrs. White! Ellie already asked that!"

I know what he's doing--making my pawn move halfway across the board so I can't get to the room I need in time. That butthole. He's going to make me lose.

"That's...that's cheating!" I exclaim as I watch him move my little white pawn to the library. "That's not fair. Don't the rules say something about this?"

"I thought you liked libraries, Rach?" Josh starts to laugh. "Sorry. Better luck next time."

"Cheater," I growl, punching him in the arm and scowling.

"It's not cheating if you win," Josh says and proves me wrong by beating all of us a few minutes later.

"You're the worst," I say, shoving him again. This time, however, a smile plays at my lips. This is the Josh I remember, the infuriating, intoxicating Josh I fell for. We're different but the same.

"And you're a sore loser," he says, springing to his feet and then reaching down to offer me his hand.

I take it and our fingers latch together like they were never apart. His hands are broad and calloused and warm against mine. Josh pulls me to my feet and his hand lingers in mine longer than necessary. Does he feel this too? My eyes flicker to his, longing for the meaning in them to become clear. I want to know what he's feeling and what he wants from this because the lure of something more than friendship is tantalizing and if that's not what he wants, I need to know. If I let him in again, it has to be...more. More than it is now, more than it was in the past.

Our hands still connected, I say, "Josh, what are we do-"
But my words are cut off. I want to ask him what the point of this is, where we're headed, but Ellie bounces between us and our fingers fall apart, another missed opportunity.

"Josh, guess what!" she cries, tugging on his arm. "Rachel's roommate does graphic design and I was telling her about some of my ideas for architecture and stuff and she said she would help me draft something! Isn't that incredible?"

Josh's eyes are still on me, waiting for me to finish the question I no longer can. I shake my head and he turns to Ellie with a sigh.

"That's incredible, Elle. Are you about ready to go?"

Ellie pouts. "But Josh, it's only..." She checks her watch. "10:30. It's not that late."

"We should probably go."

"Okay, but let me say goodbye to Hina first!" Ellie answers, returning to my roommate with an effusive, chattering hug.

"I'll walk you out," I say, and Josh and I leave the crowd in the apartment behind.

Night has fallen over Columbus, and the cool August air hints at the coming of fall. A soft wind whispers through the leaves of the towering maples, and I catch a glimpse of the stars through the tree cover and the pale lamppost lights. I crane my head back and stare at them so I don't have to look at Josh.

I don't know what to say to him. My heart already wants more than it should, and even if I let it, even if I let myself fall for him again, I can't be the one who loves more. Not again. That was what broke me: not Josh's dishonesty and betrayal, not the horrible year that followed our break up, but knowing that I loved him more than he ever loved me. And even though we've only seen each other a handful of times, I know that I could easily pass the point of no return again with our history spurring me on. If I do that, if I give into these feelings and let the current take me away, then I need to know Josh is right beside me. I can't fall in love alone again.

"Rach," Josh says, pulling my attention back to him.

I face him but stare down at my fingers which fidget and tangle. "What?"
"What's wrong? Did I upset you?" He reaches for my hands and stops their fidgeting, holding them between us. Goosebumps wash up my arm.

"Josh, what is this?" I say, my eyes jerking up to his. "After everything? What are we doing?"

His eyes spark and expand. "I...I missed you, Rach. I've missed you for years, and now that there's a chance that I can have you in my life again..."

"But Josh, what does that mean? Does that mean that we're friends?" I sigh and knead my lower lip between my teeth. "I don't know if I can do that, if I can just be friends. Not after everything that happened."

Josh looks down at where our hands are interlocked, my knuckles turning white from squeezing his hands so hard. How can I still find strength in him even when he's what I need the strength to stand against?

"I don't think we can just be friends, Rach. I don't think that's possible for us."

My heart soars at his words. More than friends, less than lovers. "So what are we now?"

"Rach, I know I lost your trust." The words bring an ache into my soul, a reminder of the years spent in mourning and despair. "And I know I have to earn it back. Will you let me?"

I look from our interlocked hands, his so large that mine look childish. Can I learn to trust him again? I know I can fall for him again, but trust him? Do I dare?

"I'll try."

~~~~~

What do you think? Should Rachel let herself fall for Josh again or will he only hurt her more? Do you believe that people can change? Let me know in the comments!