She is not the girl that she used to be
or the woman that she had thought

she would grow up to become.

She was something different entirely.

Certainly not as together as she had expected,
but still somehow more complete than
she could ever have imagined.

She was softer from all the storms
and not nearly as reckless with her heart and,
inally, she was completely unapologetic
in all of her tarnished glory.

- Becca Lee

"What?" I sputter, his words astounding me. "What are you talking about?"

"This literacy work!" Josh says, motioning towards Genevieve and the book fair. "You love it; your face lights up and you're so happy when you're helping out there, and you hate your job. Maybe this literacy stuff is what you should be doing."

It's been in front of me this whole time. I've been volunteering as a tutor for months now, but I've never considered it as a career until now. Even though I only have a week of probation at work left, I've been too stubborn to consider that the problem is with my entire career, not just this specific job. I don't enjoy writing and researching articles anymore. I hate going into the Post every morning, but I spent years getting a good degree in journalism and working at various newspapers. Am I going to give it up now?

"I spent years dreaming of doing what I am now, of being a reporter for a newspaper," I say by way of an excuse.

"But do you like it?" Josh prods, squeezing my hand.

"No," I answer before I can stop myself. "I don't like it, not anymore, but I just...I don't want to give up. I don't want to fail."

"Rach, it's not failure to stop doing something you hate."

What's stopping me from leaving journalism? Is it stubbornness? Pride? Fear? Probably a little of all three. It's true, I've spent years of my life pursuing something that is no longer my passion. It's like I chased the rainbow, but when I got to the end, the pot of gold was empty. The career I expected to be fulfilling and enjoyable I now hate.

"Do you think...should I quit?"

Josh shrugs. "I don't know, I'm not saying that. Maybe it's just the Post, but it seems like this literacy stuff makes you happy."

When Teresa Ortiz, the lady from the National Literacy Council, originally told me about this program, I was ecstatic and I wanted to be a part of it. Now that I am a part of it, joining Genevieve to tutor every week, I love it. Josh is right; it makes me happy.

"Helping people has always made you happy," Josh says, interrupting my racing thoughts. "Not writing, not researching, but what if you could use what you learned to help people through this literacy work?"

"Helping people," I repeat.

He's right. I do enjoy helping people, but I never considered that as a career. Could I work alongside people like Teresa and Genevieve, helping to organize and run these events? I know I'd enjoy it, but would I be good at it? Well, you're not good at journalism anymore, so why not give it a try?

"I could call Teresa," I murmur. "I could ask her if there even are any jobs in literacy, or if I'm even qualified. There's a good chance I'm not."

"But it wouldn't hurt to ask," Josh says. "You heard Genevieve; you're really good at this, and if you enjoy it, why not just call her and see?"

No big deal. No risk. It can't hurt. But I'm already planning out what would happen if there is a job. Would I need to go back to school? Would I have to take a huge pay cut? Does it even pay? What if I quit and the job fell through? What if I have to move?

"Rach, stop. I can see you over thinking."

I look up at Josh, his face registering. "Sorry, I just...this is a huge deal. This could mean changing the entire trajectory of my career, throwing away everything I worked for. It's..."

"Crazy," Josh finishes. "But like I said, what if it makes you happy?"

What if it gets between us? A new job, a new career, or even just quitting my current job, could drive a wedge between Josh and me and I don't know if I can face a life without Josh. My pace starts to race, my breath quicken, my chest compress. I feel like I'm burning up even though it's below freezing outside.

"I...I need to sit down," I murmur, stumbling towards the nearest park bench.

Nothing's happened yet, I tell myself. This is all conjecture; maybe there aren't any jobs, maybe Mr. Fitzpatrick will let me keep my job, maybe this is all a wild dream that will never come true. But what if it does? What if I pursue a career in literacy and it forces me to leave Josh behind it? It's true that I'm discontent at my job, but could I live with that if it meant keeping Josh? What if what's best for me isn't best for us?

"You don't have to decide anything now, Rach," Josh says, sitting next to me and running his hand across my back. "But it's worth asking."

I wrap my hand around Josh's arm and lean against his shoulder. "Thank you," I murmur.

"For what?"

"For knowing me better than I know myself," I answer. "And for...for suggesting this even though it could mean--"

He cuts me off, but I feel him flinch. "We don't know what it means yet."

"Either way, thank you."

Josh sighs. "I just want you to be happy, Rach."

Even if making me happy makes you unhappy?

I spend the entire weekend freaking out about the possibility of changing jobs and doing something that I love--what will it mean? Where will I live? Do I have to go back to school? Can Josh and I make it long distance? Would I give up a potential job for Josh? Have I lost my mind for even considering this?

When I get home on Friday, I finally work up the courage to call Teresa Ortiz. I saved her number from when we first met months ago for the interview for the Post, and now I'm glad I did. We only met once and spoke on the phone a second time, but she was the sort of person who didn't act superior despite the importance of her job.

I sit in my car outside the apartment and stare at the phone number. My heart races but not from fear or anxiety. It took me a few days to realize it, but Josh was right. I would love to work for the National Literacy Council full time, setting up tutoring programs and community initiatives, recruiting students and tutors, spreading awareness about all of the issues I didn't even know about a year ago. Literacy work has become the dream job I never imagined.

I feel like I'm betraying Josh by being so excited about this job; I know that getting a new job could mean moving again. I love Hina and Chloe and Columbus, but I could leave everything behind without a second glance. Everything but Josh. I can't imagine him returning to the past, becoming just another faded picture on my nightstand. He is part of the present and the future, and I know I can't leave him behind.

"Just call her," I command myself and press the call button before I can second guess myself. The phone rings and I chew on my lip, my heart skittering through my chest.

"Hello, you've reached Teresa Ortiz at the National Literacy Council. How can I help you?"

"Uh, hi, uh Teresa," I stutter. "This is Rachel Evans. We meet a few months ago at the Columbus literacy initiative and I've been volunteering with Genevieve Trinka here."

"Oh, yes, of course I remember you!" she exclaims. "I was actually just showing one of my colleagues the article you wrote about us."

"Oh, wow, really?"

"Yeah, it was a great piece. So what can I do for you, Rachel? How's the Columbus initiative?"

I grasp at the chance to evade what i actually called about. "Oh, it's been fantastic. I just helped Genevieve with the literacy fair on Saturday and it was amazing to see how many people brought their families and came out."

"I'm glad to hear it went well! Can I ask why you called today? I'm guessing it wasn't to chat with me about the literacy fair."

I chew on my lip. How do I go about asking someone I only met once for a job? "I hope you don't think this is unprofessional, but...I've really enjoyed volunteering here over the last few months, and I had to ask you this just in case--"

"Ask me what?" Teresa says.

"I want to know if the National Literacy Council has any jobs available doing work with initiatives like this one. I know I'm a journalist and I don't really have any experience, but I...I really love volunteering here, and I think I could use a lot of my experience as a journalist to do this kind of work."

"A job? Well, I didn't see that coming," Teresa says, her tone flat.

Have I just offended her by using our professional relationship to my advantage? Maybe this was a terrible idea.

"I hope you're not upset I asked; it's just that I've been really unhappy at my current job and I realized that helping with the literacy tutoring is one of the only things that I've actually enjoyed doing over the past few years," I ramble. "If there's nothing available or I'm not qualified or something, I completely understand. I just had to ask."

Teresa sighs. "I have to say I'm surprised, Rachel. You seemed to really enjoy writing the article about our work for the Post."

"I did, but honestly, I realized that I'm happiest and most effective when I'm helping people, and I think that's the direction my career really needs to go."

The more I explain my motivations for pursuing literacy work, the more I see just how much I can't imagine continuing in journalism. Even if talking with Teresa doesn't work out, I'm not sure I can return to writing articles about Lifestyle and Entertainment.

"Would you be open to continuing your education?" Teresa asks. "Most of our employees have to complete at least some level of education in Literacy Education. There are Master's Degrees in Literacy available online. In the event that you were hired, would you be open to completing that?"

"Yes, absolutely!" I answer. "I definitely have a lot to learn."

"Well, there are some job openings starting in the new year. I would have to review your transcripts and resume; can you get those to me in the next 24 hours?"

"I'll send them tonight!"

"Great. I'll give Genevieve a call and ask her what she thinks since she's worked with you directly for the last few months and I should be able to let you know on Monday. Is that alright?"

My heart pounds in my chest. She's actually giving me a chance? I was too afraid to hope that she would take me seriously, but now that she is, I want this job.

"That sounds amazing! Thank you so, so much for considering this. I know this isn't exactly professional, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try, and...well, I'm just really excited about this opportunity."

Teresa laughs. "I can tell. I do have one more thing to ask you. Would you be open to relocating? You'd have to complete training in our D.C. office for at least a few months, maybe longer. Is that something you would be okay with?"

This is the one thing that could make me refuse this job: Josh. He has roots here and we've only been dating a few months; he's not going to leave his entire life, family, and business behind to follow my half-baked dreams. If I move to Washington D.C. or Timbuktu or wherever they would send me, I'd also be leaving Josh. Can I do that? I don't know, but I also don't know if I can bear working at the Post or in journalism any more, and this could be my chance to find my passion. What if I have to choose between the job and the man of my dreams?

"I...I'm open to moving," I finally sputter even though my stomach churns at the thought of leaving Josh and starting over.

"Well, then it sounds like you're in the perfect place to make this transition," Teresa says, the nausea twisting in my gut. "I'll review your paperwork tomorrow and call you. Thanks for calling me, Rachel."

"Oh, of course. Thank you so much."

I press the end button and fall back against the seat. What have I done?

~~~~~

Does Josh really know Rachel better than she knows herself? And what happens if she's forced to choose between Josh and her job? Have you ever faced a similar dilemma? Tell me about it in the comments!