The cacophonous squeal of tires on a hot summer night
I push the pedal to the floor
Muscles taut
Mind racing faster than the car I'm driving
The rear view mirror shows him standing
Watching me leave
He waves mournfully, his hand a white flag
Surrendering himself to me
Yet I am not in need or want of such a captive.

"Flee" I whisper.
Flee.

July 31, 2014

I sprint into the hospital, and the odor of antiseptic slams into me. I remember bringing AJ to the hospital, seeing his lifeless body passed out on the floor. That can't happen to Grandpa.

I slam my hands onto the front desk of the Emergency Room. "Theodore Gilbert. Is he here?"

A nurse looks at me above a set of bifocals and scans a list. "Room 327B. Family only-"

I take off down the hallway until I find the room and throw the door open. Mom, Dad, Tommy, and Aunt Carin are gathered around a bed, and I feel guilt smother me. If I hadn't been so busy living in the moment with Collin, I would have been here.

"Is he okay?" I whisper as their eyes turn to me.

"I'm fine, Pipsqueak." His voice emerges from behind the hovering relatives. "They're all just fussing."

Relief floods me as I sprint to Grandpa's side. Oxygen tubes protrude from his nostrils and an IV is stuck in his arm, but there's a smile emerging between the wrinkles on his face.

"What happened?" I whisper, holding his withered, cold hand.

"He's alright, it was just a scare," Mom answers with a hard look. "Where were you?"

My guilt intensifies as I avoid her harsh glare. "Sorry. I came as soon as I got your messages." I look into Grandpa's foggy eyes. "How do you feel, Gramps?"

"Well, I've felt better," he says with a chuckle that transforms into a cough. "But I think the worst is over."

I don't have the heart to tell him how wrong he is. I know that this--the doctor's visit, the worry, the last-minute calls--has only just begun. The worst is yet to come.

~~~~~

"Hey, Collin," I say, curled up on a chair in the waiting room.

It's sometime around 2 A.M., and I've been ignoring his frantic texts ever since I got to the hospital. I don't know what to say to him--I have to keep my walls intact, so I can't tell him in.

"Rachel, are you alright? What's going on?" I can hear the tension in his voice through the phone.

"I'm fine. It was just a...a family thing. Sorry I had to skip out early on our date."

He sighs into the phone. "I was worried. I wish you'd tell me what's going on."

I squirm in my seat. This is my greatest fear with Collin--that he'll want to find his way into my heart. I won't let him. I refuse to let him in.

"I'm sorry." Awkward silence fills the static. "I gotta go. Call you tomorrow?"

"Right." He sighs and hangs up.

I pull my knees to my chest and rest my head on them. Everything is slipping out of control.

August 7, 2014

Our cars sit side by side in the empty parking lot of the park as dusk falls. Tomorrow morning at 7 A.M., Collin heads to Brooklyn for soccer preseason. This is goodbye, maybe for now, maybe forever. We lean side by side against his car, our fingers intertwined. His fingers are absently tracing my palms, and I can't help but ask myself if this is the last time I'll ever see him.

"We're not breaking up, right?" I ask.

"Of course not. I'm coming to see you in the beginning of September, remember?"

Collin has a soccer game in Virginia in September and he's promised to visit me afterwards. I can't help but feel that this is our trial period, our chance to see if we work long-distance. Everything about us has been so temporal and immediate, but that changes today. Long-distance implies a future, and I don't know if I want that. I don't know if I want us.

"Right," I answer hesitantly.

Collin hears my irresolution and turns to face me, inches away. I cross my arms across my chest as if they can somehow protect me.

"I'll call you every night," he assures me as he kisses my temple and my hands fall to my sides.

"I'll text you all day long," he adds, now moving to kiss my jaw.

I shiver, and he continues, pressing his lips to my collarbone, "and when I visit, it'll be as if I never left."

His face is now millimeters from mine. The determination in his eyes wears away my defenses as his hands slide to my hips. He is gunpowder, threatening to explode us both.

"Trust me, Rachel Evans."

I surrender and wrap my arms around him, fingers wrapped into his thin cotton t-shirt. He kisses me as if it is the last time, and I kiss him back.  If we never kiss again, this is how I will remember him. I let his lips imprint his memory on mine, savoring the desperation of two people who may never see each other again.

I pull away from him, breathless. "This isn't the end. We're going to see each other soon."

When his eyes meet mine, I see his soul for a moment. We are both terrified--me that this will last, and he that this will end.

"Promise?" His voice is raspy.

Will you try to make this last? I swore that this would be simple, fun, easy, temporary, but it's not any more. It's become complicated, and I fear that his heart is involved, or that mine is.

"I promise," I answer in a whisper.

He pulls me close to him, gently this time, and I rest my head against his chest. I try to memorize how this feels. Collin was supposed to be a distraction, yet he has become more than that. He is still thrill and furor and excitement, but he is also ferocity and devotion. Could we make this work?

Unbidden, Josh's image comes to mind--his playful smile, twinkling eyes, confident charm. No, I tell myself, Josh has no place here. I study Collin's face, his high cheekbones and sharp jaw. His eyes are clouded hazel and my fingers absently reach up to brush the strands of dirty blonde hair from his eyes.

"I like you, Rachel Evans," Collin whispers, his voice grounding me. "I'm not going to give up on us without a fight, so you might as well just give in."

I smile a little. "I don't mind."

He kisses me again, and I try to drown my thoughts in the sensation of the here and now with Collin. The sun finally disappears and we are left in darkness. I need to go home, let him get some rest before the long drive to Brooklyn. I need to give myself space tot hink.

"Collin, I have to go," I say, pulling away from him so only are fingers are touching.

I feel the absence of his touch immediately, and I can't resist when he pulls me in again, his chin resting on the top of my head.

"I'm going to miss this," I whisper.

"One month." He traces my spin with his fingertips. "Then I'm coming to visit."

Collin smiles down at me and kisses me again. This is the last time, I can feel it, but I hold onto the promise. In a month, I'll see him again. Nothing will change. This may be a lie, but even if it is, I will try to believe it.

I pull away and get into my car, not daring to look at him until I'm safely buckled in. If I return to his arms, I may never leave. I start the car and pull towards the exit then look out the window. He is leaning against his blue sports car in the moonlight, gaze following me. The darkness shadows him enough that I can't see his expression--sadness, determination, resignation? Perhaps it's better that I don't know what he feels when I don't even know how I feel.

I bite my lip and drive away quickly before this surge of emotion forces me back to him. My heart is pounding furiously and my palms are sweating. Perhaps we won't last. Perhaps we're not meant to. But maybe, just maybe, we will.

~~~~~

What started as a simple summer fling is turning into so much more...any thoughts on what will happen last? Do you really think Rachel and Collin can last when she returns to school?

What are your overall impressions of Collin? Is he genuine? Does he mean what he says?

For those of you who have been missing Josh (maybe it's just me), don't worry. He'll be back soon.

~ Hannah