Ruin.
That's what I do
That's what I am.
I ruin things
I smash them together
Between hands of iron
and I ruin them.

I gave you temporary
when you wanted forever.

You liked me,
so you ran towards me.
I liked you,
so I ran away.

I'm a ruin.
I'm the ruin who almost ruined you.

September 9, 2014

I melt into a puddle on the curb of the restaurant, hands holding my face. Tears pool in my eyes and spill over into rivulets down my cheeks. My chest feels compressed and my breathing quickens. What have I done? What have I done?

I already know the answer. I broke Collin's heart. I let him give it to me, accepted it, enticed it, and then I said he wasn't good enough. I rejected his love as insufficient. Who was I to weigh his heart and deem it unworthy? Who do I think I am? All of his accusations bear down on me in one crushing spasm of guilt. Everything he said was true. I used him. Abused the feelings that I knew he was developing for me. He was a distraction, a placeholder, a temporary imperfection in my life. And what was I to him? I was more. He saw a future with us when I was struggling to see a present. His words echo back in my head.

"I could have loved you, Rachel Evans. Maybe I already do."

It terrifies me to imagine that he could have loved me. If I'm honest, I like being the one who loves more. No one has ever really loved me, not that all-consuming, die-without-it love that I feel for Josh. The thought that Collin might have felt that way about me petrifies me. If I'm honest with myself, I've always thought that he doesn't deserve me, but now I'm wondering if it was I who didn't deserve his love.

I think back to the beginning of the summer when I made the wild and reckless decision to let myself live in the moment with Collin. In the dark night of retrospection, I see foolishness and selfishness in that choice. I chose Collin as a distraction from the feelings for Josh that were threatening to eat me alive. I chose him as a placeholder for perfection. I let myself be irresponsible for once, and the consequences will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I always thought of myself as the heartbroken, not the heartbreaker, but that look in Collin's eyes...it was the lust for love, the desolation of loneliness, the sorrow of rejection. I recognized that look in his eyes; it was the same look I saw reflected back in the mirror when I found out about Josh and Haley. At least with Josh, he didn't even know he was hurting me; I knew. I've known all along that I could be hurting Collin. I may have never meant to hurt him, but I always knew I could. My good intentions fade away in light of the repercussions of my selfishness.

Regret is already etching itself on my heart, berating me for my selfishness, my pride, my foolishness. I resist the urge to call Collin again, to apologize repeatedly, to beg him to forgive me, but what good would that do? My regrets don't change the fact that we shouldn't, can't, be together. My apologies won't expunge the words that have already been hurled between us. If I called him, it would only be to assuage my own guilt, and I can't let myself hurt him any more than I already have.

Knowing that I can't call him brings a new realization. I may never see him again. I may never hear his gravelly voice over the telephone again. I may never feel his touch that exploded fireworks across my skin ever again. We may not have been made for each other, but those moments felt like fate. I have never felt more alive than when I was kissing at Collin at the top of the Ferris Wheel. But I've decided that those moments weren't enough.

All that's left in his wake is the realization of who I really am. Heartless. Vindictive. Manipulative. Arrogant. Narcissistic. Avaricious. Collin has revealed my heart to me, and I hate what I see. I have been self-righteous and hypocritcal, judging him for qualities that I myself do not even possess. Is there any recovery for a heart as wicked as mine? Can I ever be forgiven for what I've done to Collin?

My recollections have brought my fingers into fists, and I tremble with the guilt and the sorrow and the regret of it all. I release my fists as I try to release my guilt, but it clings to me like dust to a well-worn vanity. I rub my eyes viciously, smearing makeup across my cheeks in an attempt at redeeming my appearance.

"Miss? Miss, do you need to come inside? Do you need help?"

I am jerked from my contemplation by the concerned voice of a waiter standing before me. I forgot that Collin's and my fight attracted an audience. Behind the waiter stands a concerned couple who apparently summoned him from the restaurant to help me. It hits me that Collin left me here at this restaurant with no way to get back to my dorm. I can't blame him, but the realization stings nonetheless.

"Uh...um, no. I'm fine." I briefly meet his eyes and then cast them back to the macadam. "Thank you, though."

"Do you need me to call you a taxi?" The waiter's voice reeks of pity. "Or would you like to use our phone?"

I try to escape the mental haze that is disguising reality. I don't have the money for a taxi, but I have my phone in my purse. I'll have to call someone to come get me.

"Uh...no, no, I'll call someone."

The waiter eyes me warily but finally backs away. The lady from the couple watching me approaches and rests a motherly hand on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you're alright, honey?" she asks, her voice dripping with concern.

For some reason, the sweet compassion of this stranger brings a second wave of tears, and I wipe at my eyes in attempt to stem their tide. Am I alright? No, I'm not. I might not be alright for a long time.

"I'm...I'm going to be fine," I answer her waveringly, unsure of whether what I'm saying is a trite banality or the truth.

She smile sympathetically and returns to the restaurant, leaving me alone with my hammering heart and shaking hands. I pull out my phone and bring up Jordan's number when I remember she's away for the weekend on a class trip. I realize that I'm going to have to call the last person in the world I want to see me like this. My finger waivers over the phone number and I close my eyes briefly, trying to come up with another option, but there is none. I press the number and bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from crying.

Josh picks up on the second ring. "Rach? Is everything okay?"

My heart aches at the question. No. Nothing is okay. Nothing is okay, and I need him, but I don't know how to say that aloud.

"Can...can you come pick me up?" My voice is hoarse from crying, and it crackles through the phone.

"Yeah, yeah, of course." I hear rustling in the background. "What's going on? Where are you?"

"I'm...I'm at the restaurant still." I scan the restaurant and find its name. "Alessandri's. I need a ride home."

I wait for Josh to ask me what's going on, to question why I've been abandoned in a parking lot twenty minutes from school. I wait for him to ask what happened with Collin, but he doesn't, and I don't need to say any more. 

"I'm on my way."

~~~~~

I'm sorry this chapter's a little shorter than the other ones, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless! How have the last few chapters changed your perceptions of Rachel? Collin?