who are you?
you are the voice
echoing my greatest fears
affirming my deepest insecurities

who were you?
roommate, confidante, friend
secret keeper, understander, listener
future bridesmaid in my hypothetical wedding
late night ice cream run partner
dear, dear friend.

what changed?
maybe I'm seeing who you really are
maybe I'm seeing who I really am
maybe you left me behind 
because I will never be good enough.

You left me like the rest of them
But you knew. You knew they left.
And you just followed in their footsteps.

January 15, 2015

"Ready to go, Rach?" AJ calls from his car.

Back to school. The time has come to face my fears,  to face Josh and Jordan again. 

"Not yet," I yell back and turn to say goodbye to my family. 

I hug Mom tightly, trying to give her a portion of what little strength I have. I tousle Tommy's hair even though he's taller than I am. Dad pulls me into a strong embrace, and finally I turn to Gramps. Every time I say goodbye to him, I wonder if this is it, if this is the last goodbye. 

"See yah, Gramps." I give him a half smile and squeeze his withered hand.

"See yah, Pipsqueak. I love you!" 

"I love you too." I lean down and wrap him in a hug, inhaling his familiar scent of Old Spice.

I whisper goodbye under my breath as I leave just in case.  I draw in a deep breath and mechanically climb into AJ's car. Minutes later, we're on the road again and heading back to school. 

"So did you make a New Year's resolution?" I ask AJ.

"Survival," he says jokingly.

I laugh but prod further, "Seriously though, what do you want to change this semester? Who do you want to be?"

AJ laughs at me, his head falling against the headrest and sunlight painting tattoos across his skin through the window. "You can't help it, can you?"

"What?" I ask, perplexed.

"You can't help believing in people. You always try to push people to be better, to grow. You don't even realize you're doing it."

I shrug indifferently though I know he's right. "You still didn't answer my question."

AJ looks towards the road though his eyes are dreamy and lost in thought. "My resolution? I just want to...I want to stay strong. It's hard sometimes. You know how you told me that you feel like sadness is just always there, in the back of your mind? I have that too, except for me, it's...it's darkness. It's this, this voice telling me that I'm not good enough, so why even try? Why not give in?"

I can see the pressure of the darkness as he speaks in the tensing of the muscles in his arms and shoulders, the gritting of his teeth, and the darkening of his brow.

"You'll be strong," I say, assuming as much confidence as I can summon. "I believe in you."

He needs to be strong, for himself and for me. If he succumbs to his inner demons, I'm afraid that I'll succumb to my own fear and depression.

"You'll be strong because we both need you to be."

I reach over and touch his hand on the steering wheel, squeezing it lightly. I'm afraid that he's going to fall back into not only his depression but his selfishness and self-destruction.  I'm afraid that AJ will revert to who he used to be, to drowning his pain with careless drinking and drugs. With everything that has happened in the past year and a half, I'm just terrified afraid that the people I trust are going to hurt me--Josh, Jordan, AJ, Chloe.

"How 'bout you, Rach? What's your resolution?" He glances at me, mustering a ghost of a smile.

"I'm going to be brave this year. I'm so...I'm so smothered by my fear, but I don't want it to hinder me any more. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it."

AJ glances at me sideways. "What's that mean for you and Josh?"

"I...I have a resolution about him too." I look away. "I have to avoid him. He can hurt me more than...more than anyone, so I need to stay away from him."

I think back to the last time I saw him, standing cavalierly in my dorm room as if nothing was wrong. Jordan texted me an apology later that day, explaining that Luis and Josh had come to hang out after lacrosse practice because they thought I'd left already. It's funny how just seeing him, how staring into his mesmerizing eyes, could inflict instant debilitating pain. 

"So you're just done? No more Josh?" AJ asks, amazement lacing his tone.

"It's not that easy," I answer with a sigh. "I don't know if I'll ever be over Josh, but I do know that I  can't let him hurt me any more, even if it's unintentional. There's no more me and Josh."

There's no more hope for me and Josh, that is, unless he chooses to be brave, unless he chooses to jump off the cliff with me.

~~~~~

I watch AJ drive away as I stand in front of my dorm room with my bags around me. I know I have to face Jordan eventually. I'm weary of the animosity between us. We haven't spoken since we fought, and I know we need to sit down and talk. I owe her an apology; I never meant to cheapen her relationship with Luis or insinuate that trusting someone is easy. I know how hard it is. At the same time, I don't know how to deal with her continuing friendship with Josh or the viciousness of her anger at me. 

I recall my New Year's Resolution: Be brave.

With a sigh, I grab my bags and stumble up the stairs towards our room. I reach the door and shove it open without knocking.

"Hey!" Jordan says instantly, leaping up from her desk eagerly.

I eye her carefully; nothing in her gaze or stance says hostility. If anything, her doe eyed gaze is earnest and repentant. 

"Hey," I answer cautiously, setting my bags down and turning to face her.

I try to summon an empty platitude to fill the awkwardness, but this is Jordan, my roommate, confidante, and best friend. She is the person who has always spoken truth to me even when I didn't want to hear it. I need her candor and insight as much as she needs my idealism and encouragement.

"Rach, I'm...I'm so sorry," she says, leaning forward on the balls of her feet and tangling her fingers together.

Her eyes beseech me for the forgiveness I've been wanting to grant. "It's...it's okay. I'm sorry too. I think we both said things we regret, but I think we need to talk about it."

She nods enthusiastically. "Yeah, yeah, you're right."

Jordan starts, "Rach, I should have been more empathetic. I...I'm in love with Luis, so I finally get what you've been trying to tell me about Josh all the time. I get it. I can't even imagine what would happen if Luis and I broke up, and I know that you feel like that about Josh. I'm sorry."

"Thanks," I say, "and I was jealous of you guys. You two fell in love instantly, and it just worked. I know it wasn't easy, and I know it's hard for you to trust him sometimes, but everything fell into place. It was like fate. And I've wanted that for so long with Josh, but it's like fate is working against us, not for us."

"I'm sure it didn't help that we're basically glued together at the hip," Jordan says with a wry smile.

"Just like I'm sure it wasn't fun hanging out with me, considering that I've been having a self-pity party for the past few months."

We both smile at each other tentatively, and I can feel forgiveness flowing through us. 

I capitalize on the cordiality between us and ask, "Since I've pretty much been an absentee best friend for the past few months, how are you and Luis?"

Jordan smiles so widely that her eyes disappear into starlit twinkles. "Rach, we're so happy. I mean, we fight sometimes. We fight a lot, actually, usually because I'm being standoffish and ornery. But I really love him. I didn't think...well, I didn't think it would actually feel like this. And what's even better is that I know he feels the same way."

I try to keep a smile on my face, but Jordan's final words only remind me of my own unreciprocated love. However, I put my own feelings aside. 

"I'm really happy for you guys, Jord. Just make sure to invite me to the wedding." I add with a wink.

"And Rach?" Jordan says, her eyes enigmatic. "Don't give up on Josh."

~~~~~

I hated making Rachel and Jordan fight because I adore them both, but Rachel needed the reality check, and she really wasn't in a place to accept it a few months ago. Does anyone really believe she'll manage to avoid Josh like she says she will?

You all rock my socks. Thanks for reading.

~Hannah