how i wish i could have hurled my words at you
slapped you across the face with them
punched you in the gut with all the unsaid
"i believed in you"
"i trusted you"
"i wanted you"
"i loved you, you idiot"

but i stood there, docile as a lamb
i let you walk away without so much as an insult
i let you walk over me
and you escaped unscathed
no wounds, no verbal lashings, no pain
you walked away
unaware that i loved you
the lie that brought you comfort
only threatened to kill me

the words i kept inside
burned through my esophagus
slashed my throat
and threatened to choke me

i hate these unsaid words
almost as much as i wish i had spoken them  

May 15, 2015

I want to run after him, chase him, ask him to stay, beg him to love me, but some survival instinct keeps my feet planted. I gave Josh my heart, and in doing that, I gave him the power to break me. He may not have intended to hurt me, but he has. I am completely and utterly destroyed. I can't try again with him; I can't give him another chance to hurt me. I don't think I would survive. I'm not even sure I'll survive today.

"It's over," I whisper to myself, letting the truth of the words sink in. 

The truth hits me like a bullet to the chest and I crumble to the ground. The tears watering in my eyes overflow, the pain in my chest is raw and physical, and sobs shudder through my body. I watch the future fall apart. Everything I wanted, everything I hoped for, is gone in an instant.

I love Josh. Every single fiber of my being loves him. My entire body craves him, my soul needs him. All I want right now is to cry against the chest of the very person who left me here. I feel as if I am at war with myself: Part of me says that I should hate him for what he's done. He lied to me, betrayed me, broke my trust. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. Everything we had was built on a lie. But the other part says that none of it matters, that nothing matters except for this aching yearning inside of me. 

Did I make a mistake?

Cognitively, I know I didn't. I know that I can't let him hurt me any more. I know that I can't ever trust him again. I know that I could never move past what happened today.

"It's over," I say again.

As I say the words, a slideshow of memories floods into my mind. Sunlight, smiling, laughter. The day we met. The night he broke my heart the first time. Our first kiss. When I met his family and he met mine. When we laughed together and when I cried into his chest. When I hurt him and he hurt me. So much has happened in the last two years. We've been happy and sad and hurt and angry, but this, this is irreversible. This can't be undone. 

But we were happy. Was it all a lie? Every moment we've spent together in the last two months?

We were so happy, and maybe it all wasn't deceit, maybe Josh truly just wanted to forget about everything except the two of us and put the past behind us. But even though we were happy, even if that happiness was real, that doesn't make up for what he did. He deliberately hid the truth from me. Maybe if he'd told me then, I would have understood. Then again, maybe we would have ended before we ever began.

I try to picture the future without him, and everything seems blurry and desolate. How will I live without him? How will I face the world knowing what we had, what could have been, what was, and what won't be? How can I move forward knowing that the person I love is behind me?

"It's over."

As surely as I know that we're over, I know that I still love him. Maybe I always will. The pain I'm feeling right now doesn't cause that love to abate. If anything, it shows me how acutely I do love him, how much I have tied my happiness up in the idea of us. Can I ever be happy again without him? Will I ever love anyone as much as him? 

Did he ever love me? I know the truth. If he had loved me, he would never have lied. He selfishly hid the truth from me because he would rather have us with a lie than risk losing me with the truth. He would rather hurt me indelibly and enjoy two months of bliss than take a chance that would have saved me all of this pain. Love is not selfish. Love is sacrificial. Love is sacrificing what you want for the good of the other person. 

Josh does not love me, but I love him. This realization hurts more than knowing it's over, it hurts more than the pain of broken trust and betrayal. He liked me and wanted me, but he didn't truly love me from the depths of his heart. I try to make excuses for him--maybe he doesn't know how to love. Maybe he's never seen real love because of his parents' failed marriage. Maybe he wanted to, but he couldn't. None of that matters, however. All that matters is that Josh doesn't love me, but I love him. 

This affirms that ending things was the right choice. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe he was not good enough for me, but not because of his own merit. Maybe his feelings were never strong enough to equal mine.

"It's over."

The sobs have slowly abated, and I am now numb with despair. My mind won't stop working, won't stop asking questions, but emotionally, I feel empty of all but a crushing sadness. I am mourning the loss of us, the loss of our happiness, the loss of my first love.

Do I regret it? Do I regret dating him for two months? Do I regret falling so deeply in love with him that I was picturing forever? No is the answer my heart whispers back. I don't regret the last two months, and even though the pain coursing through me right now is enough to tear me to pieces, I don't regret it. 

~~~~~

I don't know how long I've been sitting up here. It feels like years have past since my world fell down around me and Josh walked away. The sun disappeared, but I was oblivious to the colors of the sunset. Night has fallen and a chill wind brushes across the hill, but my body is numb to it. There is only this aching, burning, consuming pain.

Eventually, I notice the buzzing in my pocket from my phone and I text Jordan telling her where I am. I don't know if I can stand up much less walk back to our dorm. My entire body feels vacant, hollow, and desolate.

When Jordan reaches the top of the ski hill a few minutes later, she sees me and words flood from her mouth. "Rach, what happened? I saw Josh and he looked super upset and..."

She steps closer and examines my features. She instantly knows what's wrong.

"It's over?" she whispers the same words I've been repeating to myself in a hushed tone.

I nod, and she sits down next to me and puts her arm around me. I can't cry anymore, and my head falls listless against her shoulder. 

"Do you want to tell me?" she asks.

I know that I need to; I need to purge everything inside of me, but I only have a handful of words to tell her.

"Josh dated this girl, Sierra, while we weren't talking for those three months. On their three month anniversary, I called him to take me to the hospital and he stood her up. When he took me to the banquet and kissed me," I draw in a staggering breath, "they were still together. He lied to me, Jord. Everything was built on a lie." 

I thought the tears wer e gone, but they spring into my eyes again. It's over. Jordan's features reenact my inner conflict; I see my own disbelief, anger, and despair reflected on her face.

"Oh, Rach," she whispers. "I'm so sorry."

She wraps her other arm around me, and I suddenly become aware of the cold. I start to tremble from head to toe and Jordan pulls me closer.

"You're done?" she asks.

Again, I wonder if I should have forgiven him, if we should have tried again, but there's a divide between us that can't be breached. Even if I could forgive him, I can't let myself give him another chance.

I nod and whisper the bitter words into the wind, "I love him, but he doesn't love me."

~~~~~

For those of you wondering why Rachel didn't give him another chance, I hope this explains some of her thought process. She's so tired of getting hurt. Do you think she'll change her mind before it's too late?

Guys, this journey is almost at an end! The story has almost 5k reads (literally 4999 when I posted this) and I'm really grateful to the people who have stuck with me. If you haven't commented to let me know what you think, please do! I'm anxious to hear others' perspectives on the story.

Thank you again. Hannah