RACHEL

"This is so boring," I mumbled, yawning. I dropped my head on the book, my cheek resting against a picture of Napoleon from the French revolution.

"I'm no big fan of the French Revolution either, but life's a bitch. Now stop kissing the dude instead of reading about him," Elliot snapped, twisting the pen between his fingers.

Dressed in jeans and a wine red t-shirt, he leaned his back against the wall with his legs outstretched before him on his bed we were sitting on. His lips were pursed as he studies the words in the book in his hands closely.

I still couldn't believe Elliot had never tasted pizza before two days ago when I sneaked him out with me to go eat together. The way his face melted when he took his first bite it really did seem as if he fell in love.

I never expected him to be an ex-bad boy. He used to live in a cycle. A cycle he hated. However, I loved the cycle I used to live in before that day. It was a cycle I thought I'd be living in forever, but it didn't last as long as I wanted it to.

"God, you're so fucking annoying," I mumbled under my breath.

Glancing at me, Elliot grinned making his eyes wrinkle and the spark on the edges increased. I assumed he supposedly grinned on purpose just to annoy me even more. And it definitely worked, because I grabbed a pillow and hit him with it. Really hard.

"Ouch, my head," he mumbled, frowning like an innocent puppy while gently rubbing his scalp.

After glancing at the clock, I threw him a fake smile before shutting the history book.

"We're done," I informed before I got off the bed and headed towards the door.

However, I found my self briefly stopping before the mirror on the wall. The reflection of my whole body stared back at me. For some reason, my bare skinny legs looked a little less paler than usual. Why? I wondered.

As I caught Elliot's gaze watching me, I quickly turned away and opened the door. However, before I could step out of the dorm, I felt a few fingers gently close around my bandaged wrist.

Turning around, I met Elliot's concerned gaze.

"What?" I asked, tiredly.

I really need my bed right now. Even though the gunshots would keep me awake, I needed my bed. I needed oblivion. Oblivion from this...world.

When he didn't reply and continued to stand awkwardly shy in front of me, I sighed of exasperation. "I don't have all the time in the world here."

"If...if you feel tired, just tell me. I promise I'll make sure to make the studying easy and we can even finish earlier. I-I just don't want to cause you any trouble or pain," he confessed, finally.

And when that was said, I couldn't bring myself to peel my gaze off of him. I stood still and stared at him in complete silence. Eventually Elliot shifted his body a little, finding it uncomfortable.

"What is it?" He asked, softly.

"Nothing, it's just...," I paused, sighing.

"You just make it so hard to hate you," I stated, quietly. However, my words still reached Elliot's ears, leading a surprised and amused smile break across his face. His smooth cheekbones made me want to squish them of annoyance.

"Thanks," he said, smiling. He was so enjoying this. I huffed and rolled my eyes before taking a step back.

"Goodnight, Rachel...Oh I meant redhead snake," he said, grinning widely.

"Goodnight dear professor Elliot...Oh I meant stupid shithead," I teased, throwing him a sarcastic smile.

Elliot's grin widened and I walked through the corridor and upstairs to the floor where the girl dorms were located. Just when I was about to reach the door to my dorm, a familiar voice made me abruptly stop.

"Hey."

I slowly turned around and find the girl who was like a sister to me standing before me. Her long sunshine blonde hair pulled up in a messy bun while her hazel eyes stared back at me. She was wearing shorts and a colorful sweater. The same outfit she wore every time we had a sleepover. It was our slumber party outfits. I had the exact same ones, but mine were probably lost somewhere in my closet.

"What do you want?" I asked, emotionlessly.

"Red, I," she began, softly.

"Don't call me that. All of that shit has ended between us," I snapped, harshly.

"Why can't you just forgive me? I've apologized so many times. I should've told you and I am so sorry I didn't. I really am," she declared, desperation clear in her voice.

"You lied to me. All that time during our sleepovers when we talked about hot guys and I shared so much with you about Will. During all those times you were just lying. You lied to me and to yourself," l said.

"I was scared," she whispered.

"Scared of what?!" I spat the words at her, anger rushing through my veins.

I held back the tears, anger and sadness igniting inside of me. "Scared that I'll be disgusted by you?

When she didn't reply and her head dropped of shame, her silence spoke the answer, breaking my heart from a hundred pieces to a thousand pieces. And it hurt. It hurt so much.

"I don't give a damn shit about your sexuality, Madelaine. I don't care wether you're attracted to girls or boys. Your sexuality is just a small part of you, it's not who you are. And you thought I'll be fucking disgusted," I snapped, my both fists tightened.

"My parents were against it," she whispered, not daring to lift her gaze from the floor.

"I'm not your parents!" I yelled, leading her to take a startled step away from me.

This time my sobbing broke the silence in the empty corridor. "I was your sister, but you weren't mine. You never were."

"I am so, so, so, sorry," she sobbed, tears streaming down her cheeks. My heart ached as I fought the urge to wipe them.

"Even if I do, there's no point in it because I'll be dead soon anyway. And I rather not want you to cry your heart out the day I die just like I did the day I found out that you never fucking trusted me," l confessed, harshly as the tears continue down my cheeks.

"Red," she said, finally lifting her gaze. Her hazel eyes, which made us twinnies since kindergarden were watery as she looked at me with a devastated look.

"Don't call me that!" I exclaimed, crying.

"Don't call me that," I repeated, this time whispering.

"Redhead snake, you forgot your...." I heard Elliot's voice trail off behind me. "Homework."

As Elliot took my side and his eyes widened by the sight of two girls with watery red eyes standing in front of each other, a worried frown printed on his face.

"Is...is everything okay here?" he asked, gently. Confused, his gaze moved back and forth between us two.

Without thought, I stormed off in the direction towards my dorm, leaving a brokenhearted Madelaine and a clueless Elliot standing by themselves between the walls that echoed of Madelaine's sobbing, piercing through my heart for every step I took away from her.

As I approached my room, a waterfall of tears poured out of my eyes and the tiniest little strength I had left to actually survive a little longer in this world, just died. Simply died.

I started hypervelting as the tears rushed down my face, knees collide with the hard and cold floor in my bathroom and everything just broke within me. I held back my agonized scream as I realized all the memories of the 17 years long friendship I shared with Madelaine just broke within a few seconds.

I sat in the cold floor in the bathroom with my knees pulled up under my chin and my head resting between them. I tried to squeezed my body together as much as possible to stop the trembling, but failed. Suddenly, I felt a presence next to me, a shoulder brushing lightly against mine as the person sat down beside me.

"Fuck off," I muttered even though I badly wanted him to stay. As if he didn't hear what I said, but what I thought, he didn't move an inch. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders as he pulled my body to his chest, soothingly stroking my scalp. The scent of happiness from him entered my nostrils and I felt this sick feeling within my chest. I felt like throwing up. Happiness made me sick.

Happiness wasn't for me. I didn't deserve it. I did a very bad thing. And that bad thing made me a very bad person. As far as I knew, bad people didn't get any happiness or happy endings just like the villains in fairytales. I always believed I was the princess, but I turned out to be the villain.

"I want to die. It's so hard for me to live...like this. I can't. I just can't. I'm not strong enough to handle all of this," I sobbed, against his chest.

"Who said you're the only who isn't strong. You think I am? Trust me, along with being a softhearted emotional shithead, I'm the weakest guy in the world," he confessed.

"Maybe we're on the same boat," he mumbled as he continues to stroke my scalp, running his fingers delicately through my hair in an oddly soothing way.

Elliot Waters and Rachel Adams on the same boat? No way. It was more likely for me to be on the same boat as Vici than Elliot. He had a different a story. An unknown story I preferred not to read. I was glad he had kept himself closed. I didn't want to read the pages when he opened up. And I definitely didn't want him to read mine.

All I knew was that he had a chance at getting a happy ending. Rachel Adams and Victoria Roman didn't. I missed her. I needed her. However, Elliot's arms around me was like a medicine I hated, but needed.

"I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I am anymore," I whispered, clenching the hem of his hoodie, my grip tightening.

Elliot's voice was soft. "Oh Rachel, you're still human. Just a human with a few loose screws."

Through my weeping, I couldn't seem to hold back a brief chuckle as the scent of happiness made an inch of the agonizing pain in my heart lessen.

Without warning, he placed his palms on each side of my head and drew my head away from him to face me. I looked up at him with a broken look.

He smiled slightly before pulling out my blue pen from the pocket of his hoodie. He grabbed both of my bandaged wrists and wrote help on the right one and me on the left with thick capital letters.

Help me

Puzzled, I lifted my chin to gaze at his softened expression.

"When you need it, show me your wrists. Don't talk just show these, okay?"

After a brief moment of silence between us, my face returned to his chest, my hands gripping the fabric of his hoodie as I held on as tightly as I could. And then I nodded before the demons in my mind awakened and the war begun.

When things got dark followed by solitude, it was nice to have someone to rely on. Nevertheless, I learned you shouldn't rely on people too much. They betrayed you when you least expected them to. That's why maybe these words on my wrists were my hope. All because the world was too cold and shitty to care.

***********

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