Long chapter. Sorry!

RACHEL

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. My hands were shaking. All I wanted was to forget. Just forget. How do I forget?

Sometimes I wish I could just delete things from my mind. I wish I could have a delete button.

But even if I did have a delete button, removing Will from my mind wouldn't be easy. He was a huge part of my life. And I couldn't just delete such a big part of my life so easily.

"And this is how Martin Luther King died," Elliot said, completing a story that I hadn't payed any attention to at all.

I blinked twice and met Elliot's hopeless gaze on me.

"Where are you lost now?" He asked, smiling faintly.

"Nothing," I murmured.

Elliot didn't look convinced.

"I don't want to study." I pushed my book aside and rubes my thumb over the neat black nail polish applied on my nails.

"What?"

"Are you seriously deaf? I said I don't want to," I began, but Elliot cuts me off.

"I know what you said. You can't just say out of the blue that you don't want to study. You have a test in one week. You need to pass it. No F this time," he commanded, sternly.

I sighed and pull my knees up to my chin, attempting to stop my body from trembling.

When I failed to hide the trembling, Elliot frowned and put the book in his lap aside, moving his full attention on me. "Hey, what is it? Are you okay?"

I shrugged, my fists subconsciously tightening. "I'm tired. I'm running again. Running on that stupid road that won't come to an end."

Elliot's expression dominated of worry and he quickly stacked the book in messy piles and shoved them far away from my sight.

"Okay, no more studying. For now," he informed, smiling slightly.

"What do you want to do?" He asked, looking at me as if he could find the answer in my eyes.

"I...I want to...forget," I whispered loud enough for my reply to reach his ears.

Elliot nodded as if what I wanted to forget was written with thick black letters on my forehead.  "Okay."

"Is there anything I can do to help you forget?" He asked, this time his voice is softer and gentle.

"Take a break," I replied, bluntly.

He knitted his brows in confusion. "From what?"

"From your suicide watch and let me," I paused, my voice the slightest of shaky.

"Let me...cut." 

It took a second before my words properly processed through his mind and he stares at me with wide eyes.

"Rachel, no," he whispered, scooting close to me with a frown across his face.

"You can't fucking decide what I want to do or not," I whispered, harshly.

He couldn't . He had no right to interfere in my life. And he definitely had no right to decide if I lived or died.

"I know, but not when it comes to putting your life at stake," he begun, but this time it was my turn to cut him off with anger echoing in my tone.

"What's your problem?!"

"Why can't you just let me die?!"

I rapidly jumped off the bed, glaring at him, angrily. Elliot continued to frown while he sat in complete silence, his gaze glued on me and my shaky body.

"Let me..." I turned around to sprint into the bathroom and get my sharp stuff, but Elliot was too quick to grab me by my waist from behind. 

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Just calm down," he whispered into my ear, his soft breath tickling against my hair.

"No! Just let," I argued loudly while trying to break out of his grip around my waist. I felt breathless, my pulse jumped and my loud heartbeat drummed heavily in my ears.

"Shhh...it's okay. I know it hurts. I know it does, but everything is going to be okay." His soothing voice leaded my wild body to calm down and stand frozen for a moment.

"Come here," he whispered, turning me around and pulling me into a crushing embrace. His arms around me tightened for every second that passed as if he was trying to hold the pieces of a broken glass together and preventing them from shattering on the floor. I didn't realize when my arms wrapped around him and my ear listened to the tune of his heartbeat. It was like a harmony. An everlasting harmony.

~

My eyes jerked open by sound of the gunshots. Brutal gunshots. I swallowed hard, twice while small beads of sweat broke out on my forehead and neck. Even my palms felt sweaty, wet even. When I quickly sat up, it seems as if I had bathed in sweat.

"Rachel, hey," Elliot's soft voice cut through my traumatized trance and I glanced sideways.

Elliot stood awkwardly a few feet away with a tray of food in his hands. He was still black jeans and the grey, almost white hoodie, meaning it was only been a few hours or so.

Elliot frowned as his eyes go went when he noticed I was literally panting breathlessly and my whole body was shaking badly.

He hurriedly put the tray down on the night table before climbing up on the bed and scooting closer to me. It was then he took a good look at my feared expression and his palm explored my sweaty and pale skin. As his palm ran slowly over my sweaty arms, neck and forehead, I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears.

The gunshots were still echoing in my ears. I wondered if Elliot could hear them?

"N-Nightmare?" Even Elliot's voice was briefly shaky.

I nodded and Elliot helped me lay down again before he sat close to me with his legs crossed, his palm stroking my forehand and his other hand gently brushing away strands of hair off my face.

"Why do you want me to stay alive? Why?" I whispered, my wet eyes fluttering open to meet his.

He grinned. "Because I like eating pizza and drinking milkshake with you. That's why I need you to stay alive."

I arched an eyebrow at him, grumpily. Elliot smiled, his palm on my forehead dialing down the loud war in my head.

"You're so pathetic," I chuckled, smiling.

"I know. I get that a lot from a certain someone," he admitted, his smile turning into a goofy one.

"Try getting some more sleep," he added, softly.

"I'll stay here," he assured, smiling softly. As comforting as that sounded, no matter how close Elliot was to me, he couldn't prevent the gunshots to haunt me in my sleep. 

"I'm not sleepy," I murmured, sighing.

I would rather have listened to the hot shithead's annoying voice than the gunshots once more.

"You want me to tell you a bedtime story?"

I shot him an annoyed glare.

"A bedtime song?"

I shot him a murderous glare.

Elliot grinned widely before clearing his throat. "Twinkle, twinkle little star."

"Shut up," I muttered.

Amused, Elliot continued. "How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high..."

"Stop it!" I yelled grabbing a pillow and hitting him with it.

Elliot, however, burst out laughing before continuing. "Like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are," he continued to sing as I hit him harder with the pillow.

When he finally stopped, I found myself laughing along with him, my stomach tickling.

"You're crazy, Elliot Waters," I chuckled, grinning widely.

Elliot seemed rather pleased with himself and smiled triumphantly, making me want to squish his smooth cheekbones.

"Are you hungry? I went down to the cafeteria and got you something to eat," he said after we both have calmed down from our hysterical laughter.

However, my stomach continued to tickle. A trail of the happiness I felt for a moment. Just for a moment.

"I'm not hungry," I replied, exhaling deeply when he started to draw small moons, stars and suns on my forehead with his finger.

"Are you sure? You should eat," he said, his voice rather more gentle and quiet than before.

I shook my head and just when Elliot was about to use some words in form of forced, my stomach growled loudly.

Raising his eyebrows, he grinned widely leading his eyes to wrinkle. "There we go. Busted."

I felt my cheeks flush and I quickly looked away, ignoring Elliot's gaze on me.

"I want pizza," I said, flatly.

"Rachel, you know we can't," he began to protest, but I shot him a stubborn and challenging look.

Elliot sighed of exasperation. "Fine."

I smiled victoriously and we got off the bed. While I pulled on a pair of jeans over my shorts and grabbed a pink cardigan and my blue coat, Elliot picked up the piles of books from my bed and placed them on my desk.

When I grabbed some cash from a safe place in my closet, Elliot's sudden words made me rapidly turn around.

"A live show?" He held up a pair of tickets. A pair of tickets I bought for Will and I before 1st September of 2017. To be honest, I completely forgot about them before now.

"Sounds like a date. Were you going with...Will?" He asked, regretting the question the minute it blurted out of his mouth.

"Yeah," I whispered, softly.

"It sounds fun...," he mumbled ever so slightly before putting them down on the desk and standing up and opening the window we were supposed to sneak out of.

However, while Elliot prepared himself to climb out of the window, I couldn't seem to ignore the thought in my head.

"You've never been to a live show?" I asked, swallowing hard.

Elliot glanced at me before a sheepish smile broke across his face. "I don't think so."

"God, you were literally trapped in that cycle," I sighed.

I felt bad for him. Bad about the fact that being stuck in the world of poverty had forced him to miss out on all the fun and adventurous things in life.

"Yeah and you know live shows require a lot of money right?" He stared at me with arms folded across his chest.

"Who cares. You only get one life. Meaning you only get one chance. It's your responsibility to live it as fully as possible," I confessed.

As if I said something completely crazy, Elliot stared at me with eyebrows raised, gaping jaw and blinking his eyes several times in an attempt to recognize the person standing in front of him.

"You got rid of that cycle you used to live your live according to. Now, you should start living a little," I added.

"What do you know about living?" He snapped back, but rapidly covered his mouth with his palm when he realized what he just said.

"S-Sorry....I didn't mean to...,"he trailed off, regret glimmering all over his face.

He was right. What did a depressed girl with only one desire, the desire to die, know about living.

"It's fine. Come on, let's go or we'll miss the show and those expensive tickets will be wasted."

I walked past Elliot to climb out first, but stop when he grabbed my arm.

"Where?"

I glanced behind my shoulder, throwing a grin at him. "Live show and pizza."

"Wait, you don't...I mean we don't have to," he began, but I quickly cut him off, annoyed and restless.

"I'm commanding you to follow me out of this fucking school and help me forget the fucking guy who broke my fucking heart. You want to go or not?"

This grabbed Elliot's attention and he stared at me with eyebrows raised. To my surprise, he grinned.

"Yes or no?" I asked through gritted teeth. The excitement was killing me.

"Fine." He smiled and I returned it before we climbed out together, ready for an evening that might help me forget.

~

Three days has past since the last time Elliot last sneaked out, but not with me. He did it by following me because of his so called suicide watch, which he wouldn't be quitting for the time being. He ended up meeting Vici and not to mention his stupid milkshake logic. This poetic shithead should be the left hand of Shakespeare.

We were currently heading down the street and I seemed to be walking faster than usual, always two steps ahead of Elliot. I didn't want to miss the live show. For some reason, I was still very excited. Maybe the excitement was all about wanting to forget. I really wanted to spend an evening without once having Will on my mind. Just one evening. Maybe the left hand of Shakespeare could do that for me. Maybe.

"No way! It's a kitty!" Elliot's sudden squeaky and childish voice cut through my thoughts and I stopped in my tracks.

Turning around, I found Elliot kneeling down before an adorable little kitten with black and white fur.

I raised my eyebrows when his fascinated eyes grew big and literally sparkled as he picked up the little kitten and gently starts patting it.

"Go ahead, kiss it. I'm just waiting for the make out session here." I grinned, amusingly.

"Stop it! Don't you see you're offending the little kitty," he pouted, gently patting the kitten's tiny head.

Kitty. Surprisingly, I found him adorable when he tickled the kitten under its chin, making the kitten "meow."

To be honest, he looked even cuter than the kitten. The way his eyes grew so big and sparkled of fascination and love for the kitten, was an adorability I had never seen in anyone.

I was quite sure the kitten's mother or its owner didn't even look at the kitten the way Elliot did.

"It's so cute," he almost giggled as the kitten enjoyed Elliot's patting and his company in general.

"Elliot, we'll miss the show," I said, hastily.

"What? You jealous?" He grinned widely in my direction.

Of what? I wondered.

"Fuck you," I muttered under my breath, trying to ignore his gaze and the goofy grin on his face.

"Are you coming or are you planning to live here on the street with your new found love?" I questioned, my arms folded across my chest.

Eventually, Elliot frowned like a sad puppy before very delicately putting down the kitty and letting it run to its mother who stood a few feet away in the dim light.

"Bye, little kitty," Elliot pouted as the kitten and its mother disappeared into the dark.

While brushing off the dirt from his jeans, he sighed and we walked down the street alongside each other.

"So you and kittens, huh?" I grinned while glancing at him.

"You were staring at it as if you have a hundred of them in your basement," I added, teasingly.

"First of all, I don't have a basement. I live in an apartment," he pointed out.

"Secondly, I don't even have one kitty. With mom working everyday and me and that cycle, we would never have time for a pet. And most importantly, mom was barely able to pay the rent of our apartment. We could never afford a kitty," he explained.

Suddenly, my smile vanished and we walked in the silence for the next few minutes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make what I just said to sound as if I want you to pity me or anything of the sort. I was just," he paused, sighing.

"Being honest?" I asked, glancing at him one more time.

This time he returned the smile.

"Yeah."

"I wanted a horse. You know the one from Tangled?" I blurted out.

"That evil horse?! I swear his deathly glares gave me nightmares at night," he admitted, shudders even for a brief moment.

"So you've seen the movie?" I laughed at his slightly pale face as if he was thinking back to that deathly glare.

"Trust me, I've lost count," he confesses.

"You like fairytales?" I asked with a curious smile.

A genuine smile formed on the corner of his lips. "Mom does. She's a hopeless romantic."

"I don't think there's a single love story left in a form of a book or movie she hasn't read or watched. Her favorite are the Fault in our stars and Tangled."

"So she loves love," I assumed more than ask.

"Yep, exactly. And she is the most immature person you can ever meet. She can be a real child sometimes," he chuckled, his love for his mother clearly shown all over his face.

"I just wish she had a love story of her own," he murmured all of a sudden, for a brief second, his face turning ghostly pale.

Even though I was curious, I didn't ask any more questions the rest of the way to the live show, because if I learned to much, I would end up reading all the pages, which I certainly didn't want to.

"Your mom, she sounds nice," I concluded, hoping to end the topic of his mother right here and now.

His calm reply was simple, which I was completely fine with.

"Yeah."

~

During the live show, Elliot and I ended up dancing along with the rest of the huge crowd like crazy idiots, finally cutting loose for once. It was as if the war in my head came to an abrupt halt and the demons just vanish.

Elliot and I danced, laughed and sang on top of our lungs along with the rest of the crowd as if this was our freedom and our opportunity to simply forget everything. Just everything.

As we danced, Elliot ruffled my hair with his hands, messing it up and I threw my head back, laughing along with him. He took my hand, his delicate fingers interlacing with mine and twirled me around. My face hurt of smiling so widely and I had never seen Elliot so happy before.

During that moment, I was not sure what Elliot is more happy about. His first time on a live show or seeing Rachel Adams, the depressed girl who only wanted death and nothing more, smiling, laughing, singing and dancing like crazy.

Now this was what we called forgetting. This is how you forget. Not forever, but at least for a while. A while where my broken heart didn't ache anymore. It simply beat. Beat like it never broke.

*******
This book has been real sad lately so I tried to cheer this one up a little☺️

I hope you enjoyed the chapter because I definitely enjoyed writing it! ❤️

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