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RACHEL

After standing in the heavy rain for a while in each other's embrace, Elliot interrupted our one minute long death. One minute long peaceful darkness and oblivion.

"We should probably go inside before we,-" he was cut off by a sneeze. A cute puppy sneeze.

"Catch a cold," he mumbled, holding me tighter against him.

"I think,-" this time my words were cut off by a sneeze as well.

"We already have," I informed, sniffling.

"Yep."

Elliot drew back from me and I noticed the rain was streaming down his face. It almost looked like he was crying. Realizing the rain was just getting heavier and heavier, I grabbed Elliot's arm and we sprinted towards the building were our dorms were located.

"How are we going to climb up to your dorm when the walls are wet and slippery?" he asked as we sprinted towards the dorm building.

"We can go to your dorm. There's a tree next to your window. We can use it to climb up, idiot," I said, stopping before a tall tree.

"Fuck, we should've had Aladdin's flying carpet. It could be in handy right now," Elliot mumbled under his breath.

My stomach tickling, I burst out laughing while Elliot flashed me a goofy grin.

"Come on, let's go," I said as we started to climb up the tree.

Moments later, Elliot pushed the window open and we clumsily jumped into his dorm before he quickly shut the window, blocking out the cold and the rain. When we realized we were standing completely soaked in the center of his dorm, we chuckled lightly while trembling.

"We are so dead tomorrow morning. With this cold, we won't make it to any of the classes," he admitted, pulling off his soaked hoodie, leaving him with a soaked t-shirt. He ran his hands through his wet hair while I continued to shiver with my arms wrapped around my torso.

When he noticed this, he took a step closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, studying me closely. My heart skipped a beat when he curled a finger around a strand of my wet hair.

"W-what?" I stuttered, my limbs freezing.

His gaze met mine. "Your hair....looks like squished strawberry."

"F-fuck...fuck you," I muttered still stuttering while shooting him a murderous glare.

This time, Elliot tipped his head back as he laughed out loud of immense amusement. However, I could still see the exhaustion on his expression and his posture.

"Y-you should go take a shower. I'll g-go back to my dorm and take a shower there," I mumbled, stammering.

He nodded and let go of my hair before I turned around to leave. However, Elliot suddenly grabbed my arm, making me glance behind my shoulder.

"Don't...don't try anything," he said, gently.

He looked at me with a saddened expression and I swallowed hard while staring at him.

"And come back," he added.

After a brief moment of silence, I sighed and nodded before he let go and I left his dorm. A part of me really wanted to go to my bathroom, grab the sharpest thing in there and run it across my wrist till I fell into darkness. However, a bigger part of me wanted to go back to Elliot's dorm and read the pages of his story. And for some reason, I wanted him to read mine too.

The minute I entered my dorm, I went straight into my bathroom and pulled off my soaked clothes and underwear, leaving me to stand shivering under the shower. When I turned it on, warm, soothing water, ran down my back and eventually over my whole body.

However, this wasn't what I wanted. Subconsciously, I turned the water to the coldest temperature, till freezing cold water washed down on my body. Just like that, I stood under the shower, icy cold water pouring down on me while I exhaled deeply with eyes closed and tears rolling down my cheeks.

Half an hour later, I reluctantly got out of the shower, pulled on a pair of pink sweatpants and a simple white t-shirt on. Shivering, I stood before the mirror in my bathroom, gazing at the disgusting monster staring back at me.

My face was extremely pale, my hazel eyes which glowed of happiness before the day tattooed on my back, destroyed it and the strands of my wet, red hair were virtually frozen. I was trembling badly as I peeled my gaze off the mirror and exited my dorm before approaching the boys dorm and knocking on the door to Elliot's dorm.

It took a minute before he opened and his eyes slowly went wide when his gaze stopped on the disgusting monster standing in front of him. Jaw dropped, his eyes traced my body. Trembling, I extended my wrists towards him.

Frowning, he looked down on what I was asking for. What I was desperately in need for.

Help me.

"Rachel,"  he whispered as he pulled me gently to him, and shut the door behind us.

When he turned around and closed his fingers gently around my wrists, he violently flinched with a horrified expression.

"What the hell...you're freezing cold? What did you do?" He asked, this time very carefully grasping my wrists in his warm hands.

"I need to be dead," I said, bluntly.

"What?" He looked at me in utter confusion and shock.

"I should be dead. I have to be dead."

Panicked, I started to walk around the room, my heart pounding so loudly and quickly that it was so close to burst out of my chest. My palms were pressed against my ear, blocking out everything except the gunshot echoing violently in my head.

"The gunshots are getting louder. The gunshots that killed dad. I hate them and I hate the person who shot. I hate that monster so much," I said, hurriedly as tears streamed down my cheeks.

Suddenly, I froze before slowly facing Elliot who was staring at me with an extremely distressed expression. Subconsciously, I quickly walked towards him and gazed at him with my head tilted slightly to the side. "After I told you what I did to my dad, you should be disgusted by me. You should hate me. You should beg on your knees telling me to kill myself," I sobbed.

"Rachel, no, stop it," he began as he reached for me, but I was too quick to immediately cut him off and smack his hand away.

"I have to be dead. I need to be dead. I'm a monster. I'm so disgusting. I'm,-"

"Stop it!" Elliot's furious voice cut through the war in my head, and without warning, his lips crashed on mine. He kissed me passionately, yet so gently that he feared that if he put to much pressure, he'd hurt me. However, he didn't hurt me. Instead, his lips moving against mine made the demons that I had been struggling with every day, vanish. The loud echoes of the gunshots faded and I stood frozen as Elliot's lips teased mine while his warm hands cupped my icy cold cheeks. My eyes were closed and so were Elliot's as his lips stayed on mine for at least a whole minute. An addicting warmth tingled on my toes before it crawled its way up and through my whole body. Before I knew it, my whole body was in flames. I didn't kiss him back. I couldn't, but that didn't mean I wanted him to stop.

When Elliot slowly drew back and our eyes met, I saw this beautiful sparkle in them, but they were clouded with astonishment as well. While my cheeks continued to rest in his palms, I stood still and stared at my pathetic city light with a dumbfounded expression, stuck in a momentarily daze.

"After I told you my dark secret, aren't you disgusted by me? Shouldn't you be begging on your knees to kill myself? Shouldn't you be calling me disgusting and a monster?" he asked, breathlessly.

"Shouldn't you? Come on, tell me, Rachel. Shouldn't you be saying all of this to me?" he asked, not exactly looking for an answer, but something else.

When I gazed at him, still trapped in a daze, my silence spoke my answer.

"No, right? That's why you're no monster nor are you disgusting. You're not. Don't ever call yourself that," he ordered, sternly before his expression softened.

"I really should be dead," I sobbed. Elliot sighed before he wiped my tears and tucked my icy cold, wet hair behind my ears.

"You don't have to be any of that. The only thing you have to be is here. With me," he commanded, firmly.

I didn't say anything after that.

"You are freezing cold. Did you take a shower in the North Pole?" He asked as he led me to his bed and helped me sit down before walking over to his closet and grabbing a hoodie.

When he sat down next to me, he was about to pull the dark blue hoodie over my head, but I grabbed his wrist, stopping him. Our gaze met and my face fell into a broken expression. "No, Elliot. Pease, let me end this. I can't do this anymore," I whispered, desperately.

I was so tired. My mind was so tired. My soul, heart and whole body was begging for death. Only death.

Elliot shook his head in protest before he pulled the hoodie over my head and  cupped my cheeks in the palms of his hands once more. Exactly during that moment, I saw this tiny fracture in his eyes. Something was broken. Something that needed to be repaired.

"No. You are not going anywhere. You are staying here with me. I want to tell you a story. A story about a boy who was too innocent to ever understand that humanity could be so cruel. I want you to listen. Won't you listen?" He looked at me with pure sadness displayed on his face, yet the depseration clear in his voice.

Still staring at him with my mouth shut and wet, blurry eyes, I nodded. Elliot smiled briefly before we laid down on the bed, facing each other only a few inches of space left between us. Realizing I was still shivering, he packed me inside an extra warm blanket, only my head sticking out of the wrapper I was squeezed inside of. And then for a moment, we just lay facing each other, the smother of silence falling between us.

Subconsiusly, I lifted my hand and brushed his wet hair away from his forehead while I studied him with narrowed eyes, leading Elliot to chuckle, lightly. "What is it?" he asked, gently.

"You are so different from other guys. You feel so guilty and get scared when you give the slightest of pain to someone. You are so softhearted and emotional, but yet so cheerful and strong. Who hurt you? Who scarred you?"

Elliot's smile faded and he went still. I thought he wouldn't say anything, but he did. And his reply made my heart ache within my chest.

"My sin," he paused closing his eyes, making me frown.

"My sin, my bad deed and my unforgivable mistake," he added.

My limbs froze and my heartbeat abruptly stopped. The smother of silence once again took place between us, letting Elliot's words process properly through my mind.

"I was born my rape. And the second time, I leaded him to her and he raped her again."

Elliot's words that he confessed outside in the heavy rain, echoed between the four walls around us. He was born my rape, which means....Lucy was...twice. My mind raced as realization hit me like a violent slap.

"Yeah. Mom was r-raped. Twice," he confirmed the thoughts racing through my mind.

"H-how? W-why?" I stammered. This time it wasn't because of the cold glued on my skin, but my heart, which was beating painfully fast.

I swallowed hard waiting for Elliot to read the pages of his story out loud. Sadly, this wasn't a fairytale even though how badly I wanted it to be. Elliot shifted his body so he looked up at the ceiling with a sorrowed expression.

"Mom was an orphan and lived in an orphanage when she was a kid. She loved it there. She had so many friends and people she cared about and people who cared about her. Everyone at the orphanage was her family. They had this tradition of celebrating everyone's birthdays with big cakes and decorating the whole place beautifully. One day, it was mom's 15th birthday. She had bought this sparkly red dress to wear that night. I saw the pictures. She was so beautiful, Rachel. She looked like a," he paused, searching for the right word.

"Like a princess," I assumed more than I asked, smiling softly.

Elliot turned his head, his tearful wet eyes meeting mine and a sad smile passing his face.

"Yeah. Just like a princess. She had a lot of fun that night and received so many nice gifts and ate lots of cake. It was the best night of her life until," he squeezed his eyes shut, letting a tear roll down his cheek.

"Until the time when the celebration came to an end and mom realized she forgot her new phone, which the owner of the orphanage who was a mother to all the children at the orphanage gifted her. It was pitch dark outisde, but the celebration lights were still on and mom went outside to search for her phone. Suddenly, there was this tall scary man who she was only able to catch a glimpse of before he hit her head with something hard and she passed out. She woke up in this room with a painful headache and the air almost suffocating her. She noticed she was lying on the floor and her wrists were tied behind her back, so was her feet and a bandage across her mouth. It was complete darkness when the man returned and the first thing he did when he approached her was to rip off her red dress. And then he b-broke her," Elliot pushed the brutal words out of his mouth, in disgust, anger, sadness and horrification.

All four emotions that were currently creating a chaos in my mind. My both fists were tightened until it hurt and I swallowed hard, twice.

"Mom screamed of pain. A lot. She was found by the police and the owner of the orphanage a few days later, but no sign of that man. Mom was a mess when she returned to the orphanage and matters got worse when she found out she was pregnant with the child of that fucking piece of shitty rapist. What surprised the whole orphanage was her decision to keep the child. After 9 difficult months, my 15 years old mom gave birth to me," he paused to rub his fists over his tearful eyes.

Meanwhile, I lay still next to Elliot, my gaze glued on him while my mind was exploding of horrific and tragic thoughts. She was pregnant at fifteen. Fifteen!

"After giving birth to me, she gave me her last name, Waters. The people at the orphanage supported her fully, but she had to leave when she turned twenty. She actually had to leave when she was eighteen, but the owner of the orphanage loved her so much that she broke the rules and let mom and me stay two years more. Mom had been working and saving up money while people at the orphanage took care of me most of the days. She was able to buy an apartment and we moved in there together. I was 5 years old and got admission to the kindergarten and later on went to school. While I spent my daytime there, mom worked hard everyday at her various types of jobs. There was times when she had three different jobs at the same time. Even though we were in different places during the day, mom and I spend our late evenings watching movies, reading books, baking together and she tutored me at home as well."

I couldn't help but smile as well when a brief smile tugged on Elliot's lips.

"One day, when I was 10 years old, I met that rapist by an ice cream cart in the park behind our apartment. Mom had still never told a single thing about my dad to me. I never knew who he was, but whenever I asked, mom's face turned slightly pale before she changed the subject. When I first met him, he payed for my ice cream and offered me a big bright smile. And then he told me he was my daddy and came to take better care of me and mom. I was so stupid when I had this hope within me that he would make sure that mom didn't need to have three jobs anymore. I even hugged that asshole. Afterwards, hand in hand, I took him to our apartment."

I closed my eyes for what was going to come next.

"The minute we entered, a thrilled stupid little Elliot Waters ran into mom's bedroom to look for her, hoping to make his mommy the happiest mommy in the world. Once I entered mom's room, the door shut behind me and I heard the lock click. Just then, my mom let out a loud and fearful scream outside of the the room. That's when I knew something wasn't right. Mom continued to scream while objects landed on the floor and broke into pieces. And then suddenly, it was completely silence in the apartment while I pressed my ear against the door. My whole body froze when I heard mom wince and groan of immense pain, but her screaming was held back by something covered her mouth."

Elliot stopped talking as tears streamed down his cheeks.

"No," I whispered, tears dwelling up in my eyes.

"Shh...it's okay. You don't have to tell me more. I understand. It's okay," I said, pulling off the blanket I was wrapped in and scooting closer to gently caress his wet cheek.

He shook his head. "No, Rachel. I want to tell you more. Please let me. Please listen. Please?"

I nodded. He was breaking on the inside and he wanted me to hold his pieces together. And I did.

"After hearing my mom silently break,
the silence returned and he whispered something into her ear before he left and I continued to bang on the door. He threatened her that if she ever told the police about him, he would kill me, because now he knew where we lived. That's why, mom was forced to convince the police to cancel the search of that asshole. It took a while before mom opened the door and I found her on the floor, her clothes ripped apart as she was paler than a ghost, her broken expression left me horrified as I held her numb body at least for a few hours before helping her to the bathroom where she took a shower and I put her to bed. Afterwards, I cleaned up the house and laid next to mom," he croaked, his voice heavy.

"She was crying and I started crying too as I begged for forgiveness. Mom pulled me to her and we cried to sleep that day. After that day, the child Elliot died and I became this independent grown up who took care of his mother better than anyone in this world could. I found various types jobs to help out mom and we fought through our poverty together. We still are," he concluded, ending the most horrific and brutal, yet heartwarming story I had ever heard.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, attempting to hold back the tears.

"I told you something very shitty. Can you please tell me something not so shitty?" He asked, looking at me like a vulnerable child.

After pulling the blanket off of me, I cupped Elliot's wet cheeks in my palms and gazed at him with a soft smile. Elliot looked at me with tears still in his eyes while the slightest of curiousness clouded his face.

"You are so, so, so, so strong, brave, courageous and simply fascinating and amazing. Just like your mom. Never let anybody tell you otherwise and if they do, call me and I'll punch them for you. Okay?"

Elliot pressed out a weak, yet crooked smile before pulling me to him so my body was tightly pressed against his, my ear resting against his loud heartbeat. I could feel his heat radiating over to me. After burying my face in his chest and our arms around each other, I smiled as Elliot's reply hung in the air and we dozed off.

"Okay."

Sometimes, it hurt too much and we needed someone to hold us. Elliot Waters needed me to hold him. Thus, I decided to stay another day. Another night with a heartbroken Elliot Waters in my arms.

*************

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