RACHEL

During my sleep I was constantly being annoyed by someone trying to push me off my extremely cozy, comfortable and soft pillow. It confused me that it was slowly rising and falling, rhythmically, but I was too sleepy to care. Suddenly, gunshots pierced painfully through my ear and I clenched my hands onto the fabric of my pillow as tightly as I could.

Just before I was awaken, I found myself sitting on my knees in a place that would never fade from my mind. A memory that will never be erased from my exhausted mind, heart and soul. My home.

Confused, I looked around, but nobody was present here except me. However, that was before my gaze stopped on a tall shadow of a figure in black clothing who was nearing me. For every step he took, the better view I got of his right hand around dad's neck and his left hand around mom's. They were alive and real. Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks but the slightest piece of relief and happiness that ignited within my chest, instantly faded when they looked at me with immense fear all over their faces.

"Kill them." His brutal, cold voice echoed in my ears and I completely froze when I felt the cold metal between my hands. My gaze slowly dropping down in my lap, my heart stopped and shivers ran down my spine when I looked at the weapon I destroyed my whole world with. With one single shot, I made my whole world come crashing down.

For a moment, I stared at the killing machine in my hands before gazing at my parents. They looked both horrified and terrified, causing a mix of an emotion called intense fear cloud their faces. Suddenly, my hands were rising and so was the cold metal in them. I squeezed my eyes shut while trying to push them down, but my efforts were useless. The murderer Rachel had full control over the good Rachel. I was too busy fighting with the other Rachel, I didn't even get the chance to react when the trigger was pulled, and two gunshots went off, straight through the beautiful hearts of my parents.

Mom and dad let out an agonized scream, blood dripping from their chest as their words echoed in my ears like a gunshot straight through my heart, "Murderer." Their sinister eyes bored into mine, cracking my soul into fragile pieces.

And then I screamed so loudly and agonizingly that my whole body jolted up and every bone in my body cracked. The playground we fell asleep on came to sight and Elliot, my pillow was gazing at me with wide, concerned eyes beneath me. As the gunshots repeated over and over again in my head, my scream didn't stop while tears came rushing down my cheeks like a waterfall.

"Rachel!" Elliot rapidly grabbed me by the shoulders, but I violently flinched. My heartbeat was raging on, my pulse as loud as thunder. It felt like I was bathing in my own sweat, my throat was extremely dry and breathing didn't come easily. It almost felt like someone was choking me to death. Panicked, my whole whole body was shaking of immense fear, horror and agitation.

Before Elliot could reach out to me once more, I climbed to my numb, shaky legs before sprinting away extremely fast down the street. I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to find an end. That's all I wanted and my heart and mind were desperately aching for it.

Everything happened so fast. One moment I was running down the street, towards the school, through the path in the small forest where I stumbled and fell numerous of times and climbed up to the window to my dorm. Elliot wasn't too far behind, constantly shouting my name, but his voice was left in the background as the sound of the gunshots was louder. The next moment, I was in my bathroom, grabbing the sharpest blade before my legs gave out and my knees covered in bruises and scratches, collided with the cold floor by the toilet.

Before I could punish these hands made of absurd sins that took the life of my own parents, the two people I loved the most in the world, my stomach ached badly and I felt the midnight pizza crawl up to my throat. After a gag muffled by a groan, it wasn't long before I threw myself over the toilet, throwing up the chunks of pizza. Every time I thought it was over, more and more undigested pizza poured out of my mouth and into the toilet until I felt purely empty and dead inside.

"Rachel," Elliot whispered as he approached me.

I was too weak and exhausted to look up, the bitter taste in my mouth growing as I collapsed on the floor.
Despite the fact that I was covered in disgusting puke and sweat, Elliot took the blade out of my hand and threw it aside before he lifted me up from the floor and placed me on the shelf of the sink, standing closely to me.

Sick, exhausted and lightheaded, I was barely able to keep myself in a sitting position. Elliot kept me steady by resting a firm hand on my shoulder while pulling off his favorite hoodie he me gave last night, now covered in puke and sweat.

I was left in the lacy dress I wore yesterday on me and Will's last date, but it was also reeking of sweat and puke. Elliot tucked strands of hair stuck to my sweaty face behind my ears before gently wiping my face with water from the sink and then drying it with a towel afterwards. He did the same with my neck and my arms. However, one thing he couldn't wipe away were the tears rolling down my cheeks, my quiet sobbing being the only sound in the silence within the four walls around us.

"You need to take a shower or at least change," he said, gently before cupping my face in his palms and kissing my forehead, soothingly. His lips on my forehead, made my loud heartbeat, dial down and so did my pulse. 

"Can you do that? Or else, I'm going to have to get mom or maybe Madelaine," he informed.

I didn't say anything. My mind wasn't working. Elliot's words didn't process properly through my mind.

He tried once more. "Okay, what you say you take a quick shower by yourself and I'll wait outside?"

After a moment of genuine silence between us, I finally found the strength to speak. "I can't," I whispered, sobbing.

"I need this to stop. All of this. I just want it all to just...stop," I continued, my whole body aching. My limbs were so tired that I even struggled to lift a finger.

A frown found its way to Elliot's lips and his hands remained cupping my face. "What you mean?" He whispered.

"I need my heart to stop. I need my nightmares to stop. I need this guilt to stop. I need this life and this body to just stop," I sobbed.

"Hey, look at me," he whispered, nudging my face up a little while stroking his thumbs on my wet cheeks.

Reluctantly, I met his gaze. "You need to let me go."

"I'm not letting you go. You have no right to decide that. That's up to me. Only me. And for the time being, I won't be letting you go," he said, firmly.

"You're stuck with me so bear with me," he added, smiling crookedly, but it faded by the sight of my wounds.

"Does it hurt? Should I...should I help you take your clothes off?" He asked, very carefully.

I looked down at my bleeding bruises and scratches on my arms and knees. If I tried to take this dress off myself, I'll be sitting here the whole day. I silently nodded and Elliot offered a small smile. He studied my dress for a minute, trying to figure out how to help me out of it. His his fingers gently brushed over my bruises on my arms and I winced of pain.

"Okay, you need to lift your arms so I can pull of the dress. It's going to hurt, but I'll be quick, I promise. Okay?"

I nodded and carefully lifted my arms while I squeezed my eyes shut of the pain soaring through my sore elbows. Elliot was quick to grab the hem of my dress and pulled it over my head, leaving me in my pink underwear. My arms dropped, but Elliot closed his fingers around them and gently placed them in my lap.

I opened my eyes and met Elliot's gaze fixed on my eyes, looking for any sign of pain. "Take a quick shower and then I'll help you bandage the wounds."

I nodded and he helped me down, my bare feet coming in contact with the floor. He passed me a one last reassuring smile before stepping outside of the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

My gaze stopped on the blade lying only a few inches away from my feet. I kneeled down and picked it up, the sharp metal quite cold between my fingers. I looked at it for a minute and then at my scarred wrists, the words help me dominating over them with a black marker. I stood still for a while minute, just staring at the sharp blade in my hand and my scarred wrists.

Sighing, I opened a drawer below the sink and tossed it inside before shutting it close.

"Sorry, blade. I'm stuck with Elliot," I mumbled before taking off my underwear and standing under the shower, letting the icy cold water consume me.

~

After I was done with my extremely cold, yet soothing shower, I put on a plain black t-shirt and a pair of pink shorts. The bruises on my knees and arms hurt like needles being thrusted into my skin. I stared at myself in the mirror. My wet red hair was dripping drops of water on my ghostly pale face. I looked and felt purely weak, exhausted, dead and empty both on the outside and on the inside.

I didn't understand how Elliot had the slightest of strength to look at me. I was such a disgusting mess.

"You'll always be a pretty redhead snake to me."

I snorted by the sound of his words stated yesterday in this bathroom. Last night, it felt kind of good to receive that compliment. Today, however, not so much. In fact, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, Elliot's genuine compliments were just a shout in the void. They did mean something to my heart, because I felt it skip a beat every time he made me feel like a beautiful person inside and out, but my mind and the demons in there had a dominating control over my heart. And to my mind and its demons inside, Elliot's words didn't mean anything.

"Monster," I whispered to the girl in the mirror, harshly without a moment of pause. "You're a monster."

Tears roll down my cheeks as I balled my hands into fists, my knuckles turning white. "You're monster!" I yelled. And then I smashed them against the sink, again and again and again till they started bleeding and my loud cry made every limb in my body to ache.

"YOU killed them! YOU killed them!" Every dreadful thought in my mind was rushing out of my mouth and I was so close to breaking my hands completely, but suddenly two strong arms locked around my waist and pulled me far away from the mirror and the sight of the disgusting monster in it.

Elliot lifted me up in his arms and rushed me to my bed, putting me down before quickly grabbing the first aid kit. I sat in silence while Elliot sat closely to me, wiping the blood off my red, bruised hands with a soft piece of cotton. He bandaged them and moved on to my elbows and lastly my knees. I noticed he tried to keep a stoic expression, but I could see he was striving to hide the agitation.

When he was done, he cupped my face in his palms, but quickly flinched, his eyes going wide for a brief moment before realization hit him. He sighed. "Icy cold shower. Again," he assumed more than he asked with a hopeless look across his face.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't find the little piece of strength to open my mouth. I was both physically and mentally worn out. Elliot firmly cupped my cheeks in his palms and forced me to look straight into his eyes. And I did. The brown eyes I kind of found an admiring to without even realizing it.

"Don't punish your hands like that. Cutting your wrists and smashing your hands against the sink won't do you any good. You'll achieve nothing by hurting yourself. Nothing. So just stop it. Understood?" He looked and sounded extremely serious and demanding.

After a moment of silence, I briefly nodded and without hesitation, he pulled me against his chest, welcoming me to his warmth and solace with his arms wrapped securely around me. We slowly fell down on our backs in my bed and I snuggled closer to him while he pulled the duvet over our heads. Elliot rested his chin on top of my head and I felt his lips on my scalp.

It was true that I had got Madelaine and Will back, but there was only one place I found solace these days. In my city light's arms. I was scared to fall asleep, afraid the same nightmare would return, but Elliot's arms were wrapped tightly around me and I felt his heartbeat rhythmically vibrate through me. And that's all that took for me to doze off to a peaceful sleep.

~

ELLIOT

A while after Rachel fell asleep, I sneaked out to the cafeteria to see if the lunch lady was preparing Rachel's special breakfast. The doctor gave me a list of meals she should eat daily to not end up throwing up.

A confession, I lied. I lied yesterday when I told Rachel that I was taking my medication for my wound, but the truth is, I never got any medication, because I never asked for it. Rachel was more important. Even though the pain was agonizing when my wound hurt, my treatment could wait. I just needed Rachel to start eating properly first. And it was gradually working. I had been following the list and she hadn't thrown up for a couple of weeks. Until today.

She threw up the pizza we ate during midnight. I know something happened. She had a nightmare. One moment, she was peacefully asleep with her head resting on my chest, using me as a pillow while I was trying to wake her up so we could head back to school. And the next moment, she was screaming of horrification before sprinting back to school with me trying to reach for her.

She threw up the pizza in the bathroom and literally collapsed on the floor as if every bone in her body gave out of immense exhaustion and pain. However, even covered in puke and sweat, she was still pretty. I helped her take her dress of and saw her in her pink underwear.

Fuck, she was so beautiful.

After she took a shower, she made this anger awaken in me when I found her slamming her fists against the sink. By the time I stopped her, they were already bruised and covered in blood. She was yelling at herself and punishing her hands. The same hands that she used to shoot her dad.

But why was she saying "them"? Who did she kill in her nightmare and what made her do that?

I pushed the thoughts aside and walked across the empty cafeteria and towards the kitchen. It was 6:00 AM so everyone was probably asleep. The lunch lady however was always up early to prepare breakfast for everyone.

I found Mrs Clark wiping a cloth on one of the round tables. She was an elderly woman, her slim body dressed in a white uniform and her light blonde hair mixed with gray was pulled into a loose bun. She smiled when her gaze met mine, but I noticed a hint of confusion across her face.

"You're quite early today."

"Yeah, um, I just happened to wake up so I just thought I could come check if-,"

"You don't need to worry, Elliot. I'll prepare Rachel's breakfast in about an hour. For now, go to bed and get some more sleep. You need it if you're going to be able to pay attention in class," she said, smiling warmly.

I nodded and tucked my hands into my jeans pocket before turning around to leave.

"Elliot?"

I turned around. "Yes?"

A genuine smile appeared on her face. "I'm so glad that you're helping Rachel this way. She truly was a princess, passing smiles to each and every person that walked by, holding genuine conversations with everyone without being rude or self centered. Unlike the other students, she actually stopped for a minute and asked how I was doing when she came to get her food. Everyone adored her and so did I. She was very special."

I nodded and offered her a smile of my own before leaving. I wish I could've met her. The princess Rachel. However, I knew deep down she was still the same princess. She just lost sight of that princess when she started to hate herself. And I had no idea how to remove that anger in her. I always thought the hardest thing was to stop hating someone else. For instance, that asshole of a rapist who was still my biological father no matter how much I denied it. I've always wanted my hatred towards him to go away. Not because I wanted to forgive him. I'd never forgive him. Never. He didn't deserve forgiveness. Nevertheless, I wanted my hatred towards him to thaw so I could move on.

By meeting Rachel, I learned that the hardest thing wasn't to forgive someone else. It was a lot harder to forgive yourself. The battle you fought with yourself was the most difficult battle you could ever be involved in. Sometimes, Rachel was winning that battle. Other times, she was losing.

I wanted her to be happy and I wanted to her to live, but how was I suppose to make her stop hating herself? How was I going to make her forgive herself and those innocent hands of hers that she constantly kept punishing?

~

Two hours later, I took a shower, put on my uniform, fetched Rachel's lunch and entered her dorm room. I found her awake and sitting in her bed with her legs crossed. As I walked over to her, Rachel's slightly pale face came to sight. She looked better than she did two hours ago. The exhaustion on her face had slightly faded and her body posture seemed calm.

When I sat down before her and placed the breakfast tray between us, Rachel lifted her gaze from her bandaged hands and her hazel eyes met mine. They looked calm and gentle as a small smiled played on her lips, enlightening her face. My heart warmed by the sight of that beautiful smile.

"Hey," she said, calmly.

"Hey," I replied. "Are you feeling any better now?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Here's your breakfast."

Rachel looked down on the tray before lifting her gaze up to me again." Elliot, I'm not,-"

"Don't Elliot me and definitely don't use that soft tone. You're going to eat no matter how much you protest so might as well start eating now," I cut her off, sternly.

Defeated, Rachel sighed and tucked her dried curls behind her ears before grabbing a sandwich from the tray. However, she suddenly winced of pain, the sandwich slipping out of her hands. Realizing her injured hands were in pain, I subconsciously picked up the sandwich and moved it towards her mouth. For a moment, Rachel stared at me before gently taking a bite.

"Very good, my cute little idiot. Keep going. You're far from done," I said, grinning.

A small smile tugged on the corner of her lips and she continued. When she was eventually done with the sandwich, I fed her the rest of the meal as well. Lastly, I made her drink up a glass of juice.

"Wow, you look better already," I said, smiling.  And she did.

Rachel exhaled a deep breath before biting her bottom lip. "Listen, could you just tell the nurse that I can't attend any of the classes today? She'll understand. Aunt Bella has talked to her about my...state. She'll let the teachers know that I didn't skip the classes," she informs.

"When did you start caring about assuring your teachers that you aren't skipping class?" I asked.

"Since I got stuck with you," she replied. I chuckled and a brief grin passed her face.

"I'll tell the nurse," I assured.

Afterwards, I helped her lay down and pulled the blanket up to her chest before gently stroking her forehead. Rachel stared into my eyes with a softened expression. I could see her tired soul straight through her hazel eyes.

"Get some rest. I'll come back during lunch," I said taking a step back to turn around and leave.

"Elliot?" She gently grabbed my hand.

Smiling softly, I looked at her bandaged hand tugging on mine before meeting her gaze. "Yes?"

Her voice was quiet, but the words that came out of her mouth were very clear to my ears. "Can you um...take that blade away from here?"

She wants me to take it away? She wants me to take it away! My heart suddenly leaped of joy, but I hid this happiness and astonishment behind a calm expression and nodded.

"And tell Maddie and Will-,"

"Shh..," I cut her off by shushing her and quickly sitting down next to her, cupping her face in my palms. Her skin wasn't cold anymore. Instead it was quite soft and warm. "Hey, don't worry. I'll tell the nurse, I'll take the blade away and I'll tell Will and Mads. I'll handle everything. Just don't stress and go to sleep," I assured, smiling.

"Thank you," she whispered, genuinely.

"No need to thank me. I'm always here for you."

She nodded, meekly. "One more thing," she paused. "Last night was fun. Thank you for that. Plus, you were a very cuddly pillow."

I felt my cheeks flame up. "Uh, thank you?"

She smiled, tiredly. I placed a firm kiss on her forehead and grinned. "Okay then, nicey nice and nighty night."

Chuckling lightly, she nodded with a small smile. When she closed her eyes, I grabbed the blade from her bathroom and headed towards the door. Before turning off the lights, I glanced at her one last time, assuring myself that she was okay. I couldn't help but smile when I noticed she had already fallen asleep. She looked so peaceful and that's all I wanted her to be.

After I carefully shut the door behind me and was walking down the corridor, I hoped that it may come a day when Rachel wouldn't want an ending. She didn't deserve an ending. Her story was far from over. There were many pages left to be written and to be read. And deep down, I really wanted my name in those pages too. But most of all, I wanted the rest of her story to be beautifully written, because Rachel Adams was a beautiful princess.

***********************

Is Elliot doing the right thing by lying to Rachel ? 🤔

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