It’s mid-day as steam fills the bathroom while I scrub myself clean for the second time today. Yet, it doesn’t matter how many times I drag the loofa across my tattooed flesh or how red it becomes from how hard I press. 

The guilt is still there.

Shortly after having sex with Mindy, I told her what had happened with Celia. I put it all out there just like Jackson said I should, but it sprayed back at me like shit through a fan. Mindy went off on me, gathered her things, and stormed out of the apartment with the door slamming behind her. I texted her a few times apologizing, but my messages went ignored. 

And she has every right to. 

Mindy can do better than me. Someone as sweet as her deserves a man who can offer her the world. 

But I want to be that man. With Gwen’s help, I can change. For Mindy, I can be a better man.

So why did I do this to her? Why did I betray her?

Before I know it, the loofa falls from my grip, and I’m sobbing into my hands. The tears are like acidulous droplets, charring my skin in punishment.

“What am I doing,” I suck back snot.

This isn’t me.

I’m not the type of man to weep like a little girl. Grown men don’t just cry. Grown men take action and do something about their woes. So, I rinse my face and hop out of the shower. 

Because I need to talk about this with someone who understands and can set me straight.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m banging on Gwen’s door like the FBI is about to raid her house. And for fucks sake, she’s taking too damn long to answer, so I pound and ring the button simultaneously while shouting for her to answer. 

It takes an entire thirty seconds.

But everyone knows thirty seconds might as well be five minutes dipped in shit, and when she opens the door, I barrel inside, nearly toppling her over. But I don’t bother apologizing as I begin pacing the Persian area rug in the living room. From the corner of my eye, she shuts the door, then walks into the room, fastening the belt on her black robe. An emerald green silk nighty is underneath it, and I’ve never seen her in pajamas before. Usually, she’s dressed in some type of suit. Especially at this hour of the day 

Deep grooves of concern etch her brow as she tucks loose strands of hair back into the messy bun atop her head. 

“Miguel, you can’t just show up here unannounced,” she says.

“This is an emergency!” I whip around to face her.

“Ok, well, start from the beginning.” She motions to the couch. “What is the emergency?”

“I’m losing it.” 

“Can you elaborate, please?”

“Before coming here, I cried in the shower like some little boy. Like, serious, uncontrolled sobbing.”

“Ok…” Gwen sits on the couch, then pats the spot next to her. “Miguel, sit.”

“Fine.” I sink into the cushions, and I don’t think I’ve realized how heavenly this couch is until now. It must be stuffed with goose feathers or something magical like unicorn glitter farts. Either way, it’s soothing, so I unload. “I’m in love with Mindy, and I did something really shitty!”

“What did you do?”

“I… fuck. I don't want to say.” 

“It’s ok, Miguel. This is a safe space. I will not judge you. Please, go on.” Gwen places her hand on my knee, and her expression is so sincere. 

This is how I know she’s dedicated to her job and truly cares about her patients—even a smug asshole like me who bangs on her door uninvited mid-day.

“I… I had sex with my ex-wife.”

“Ok.” Gwen nods. 

“Last night.” 

“Alright.”

“And then this morning, I had sex with Mindy.”

“I see…” Gwen nods some more.

“That's it. That’s all you’ve got?”

“No. Why did you sleep with your ex, Miguel?”

“Because I’m an asshole who does shit without thinking!”

“No.” Gwen shakes her head. “What’s the real reason.”

“I…”

“Dig deep, Miguel. Why did you have sex with someone who hurt you so deeply that you had to build a brick wall around yourself.”

“Because… because Celia has always felt like home.”

Gwen nods. “And when your stepfather died, Celia was the safe space for you to land.”

“Yes.”

“But over time, she became an attachment, and attachments are about how that person makes us feel in a selfish way.”

“But why is that wrong? If someone makes me happy, then why is it selfish.”

“There isn’t anything wrong with someone making you happy, Miguel. What makes it unhealthy is the obsession we can develop with attachments. It’s the selfishness of what they can do for us. A person can add to your happiness, but ultimately, they can’t be the sole source of your happiness. You have to find peace within yourself.”

“I would like to find peace within Mindy’s legs again,” I sigh.

  “Miguel!” Gwen pinches the bridge of her nose.

“I’m kidding. It was a joke,” I laugh, but when Gwen narrows her eyes at me, I repeat myself. “It was a joke. I swear.”

“Alright, but we need to get back on track. You often use humor or vulgarity to distract from your underlying issues. I hope that one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable without the verbal masks.”

“So, am I having a mid-life crisis? Is that why I cried like a baby in the shower.”

“No, I wouldn’t say crying in the shower equals a mid-life crisis, but randomly sleeping with your ex does feel like a cry for help. Now, onto the next part. Why did you have sex with Mindy this morning?”

“Because…” I run a hand through my hair which is still damp.

“Because why? Dig deep. You know why.”

“Angie was in my apartment, so when Mindy knocked at the door, I panicked and had her hide in the closet. So then I thought taking Mindy to the bedroom would allow Angie to leave without being seen, but it backfired on me. It made Mindy think that I wanted to have sex, but believe it or not, I didn’t want to.”

“Ok. Let’s back up a little. Why was Angie there?”

“She needed to tell me something, but that’s not the point.” I wave my hands.

“Alight. Why didn’t you want Mindy to see her?”

“Because… I…” I motion my hands around, trying to formulate the words. “Because I didn’t want Mindy to think I was cheating on her.”

“But the two of you aren’t dating, and you’re allowed to have visitors.”

“Yes, I know, but I broke my promise to Mindy. We said we would be exclusive with sex, and then I fucked my ex out of stupidity. I just… I want to be good for Mindy. You know?”

“Yes, I do understand wanting to be ‘good’ for someone,” Gwen says with air quotes. “But if you have to alter who you are just to keep that person around, then are they the right person for you?”

I scrub my face with my hands and lean forward on the couch. “But shouldn’t I want to be a better person? Isn’t it good to have someone bring out the best in me?”

“Nothing is wrong with that, as long as the person doesn’t become a safety blanket or a beacon of hope. You are responsible for being the best person you can be. Not someone else.” Gwen inhales a deep breath, then studies me. “I’ve said it before, but I will repeat it. Mindy has her own issues to work on. You have her on this pedestal, but she isn’t perfect.”

“She’s perfect to me.”

Gwen’s mouth forms a flat line, and she exhales another deep breath. “I’m worried that you see her as someone who can save you from your inner demons, but the only person who can save you is yourself. I can help you do the inner work, but first, you must let me in.”

Running a hand through my hair, I shake my head. Unleashing my demons to Gwen would probably be liberating. I might even heal from Celia’s bullshit, but I can’t tell her everything that is eating me right now. Those things involve Angie fucking Mendoza, kidnapping Richie, and helping Chloe cover up a damn murder.

Hell, I’ve never even told Gwen how my stepdad actually died. 

One day, I’ll need to start from there, but for now, I think I’ve worn out my welcome.

“I just realized I’m going to be late for work.” I glance at my watch.

“Alright, well, I’d like to set up an appointment to finish this conversation.” She pats my leg, then stands. “Let me grab the laptop from my office to schedule you.”

“Gwen, really I have to go.”

“It will be quick. I promise!” She jogs down the hallway and shouts, “I don’t want to lose this momentum. I think we made great progress today.”

But I don’t wait around for her return. Instead, I sneak out of the Victorian, close the door behind me, and the moment I step onto the sidewalk, I suck in a big breath of relief to be the hell out of there. 

Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable talking about myself, but that’s something to tackle on another occasion.

∆∆∆ 

It’s late in the evening when I finish training clients at the gym and get a text from Jackson. Everyone is meeting at El Techo de Lolinda, a Mexican restaurant with rooftop city views. As much as I want to go home and sulk, Sammy said it’s best we stick to our routines. If we do anything out of the ordinary, it could raise eyebrows—because even though we got rid of Barry, it doesn’t mean we’re in the clear 

Plus, I’ve never been to El Techo, but Mindy has talked about it being one of her favorite places, which means she’ll be there. Perhaps with a few margaritas in her system, she’ll be more willing to listen to me this time about sleeping with Celia. So, I get washed up and perfumed for the third time today and head out.

When I reach the Mission District, I roll my motorcycle to a stop about half a block down, then walk to the restaurant. The outside is unassuming with its slate exterior and a blue sidewalk sign that says El Techo. People stand outside smoking and chatting, so I have to maneuver past them, but some asshole’s shoulder bumps mine a little too hard.

“Watch where you’re going!” he snarls.

“Relax, Rambo. I said, excuse me.”

“Well, you’re not excused, pretty boy.”

My brows fly to my hairline because I’ve been called many things by little bitches like this guy, but not pretty boy. “Do we have a problem?” 

And with everything that's happened in the last twenty-four hours, I kind of wish a mother fucker would. I have pent-up aggression to release and wouldn't mind using this dickface as a human punching bag. So I crack my knuckles.

“Only if you want one.” He rolls up his sleeves.

“I’m not the one, man. So I suggest you back off.” Stepping to him, I stare his ass down. He’s shorter than me, with forearms covered in shitty tattoos, but judging by his fitted shirt, he’s yoked.

I can take him, though.

“Nah. How about you back off.” He lifts his shirt, flashing me the pistol tucked into the waistband of his pants. “What’s it gonna be?”

I nod with a huff. “Guess you win on a technicality.”

The guy smirks like he’s got me beat, and as much as I hate the defeat of this moment, I back up, letting the small crowd of patrons conversing around us swallow me. No one even noticed my exchange with that asshole, but perhaps it’s better that way—no need for a big scary scene of two ego-driven dudes locking horns like rams.

So, I proceed into the unassuming building, and it isn’t until I hike up the staircase, my boots clicking against the silver steps, and to the rooftop that I understand the restaurant’s hype. 

Glass walls expose the city views but keep the wind out as heating lamps glow against the twinkle of the amethyst sunset. There’s the whisk of ice slapping inside tin shakers as bartenders fix up drinks while the buzz of conversations hums with the backdrop of salsa music floating into the night. The contrast between what occurred downstairs and the fiesta up here is like night and day. 

But I can’t let that bother me now since it’s not the first time I’ve been threatened with a gun. At least this time, it wasn’t pointed at my head. I look around for the group and spot them sipping margaritas by a table near a mural of lime-green palm trees. 

And there Mindy is. 

The air sucks out of my lungs as I step forward.

But it’s time to face the music, so here I go.

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Thanks for reading and sticking with me! I wanted to make this a double update, but I'm only halfway through the next chap 😓
Something big is about to happen 👀

In the meantime, I'm participating in the Open Novella Contest. The entry I'm working on is in my comfy zone, which is post-apoc/scifi about a group of friends out celebrating when a man stumbles into the bar clutching his bloody neck, and things go very wrong as they fight to survive the next 24 hours.

So if you need something to hold you over until the next update, check it out on my profile ❤️