My Only Chance: How Wattpad and Undertale Saved My Life
by Arkotract

Warning: "This article contains uncensored descriptions of poor mental health and suicidal/ violent thoughts. This is my experience before and after meeting Wattpad, exactly as it happened."

I'll never forget that time of my life, never, not even when I grow old. The years between twelve and fifteen where I felt alone in the world. If it hadn't been for a fandom and a website...

I may be sixteen years old at the time of writing this piece, but back then, I was a demoralized boy who was convinced my autism was a curse. You want to know why? Because real life was hell; hunted relentlessly by abusers that sought nothing less than my pain. They drove me into a near-suicidal depression. Therapists did little to help. I had many suicide prevention talks with my father and therapists. The few friends I had never really noticed my grief. I never did apologize to those friends for being angry at them.

Sorry

I say that because, well, this isn't a happy story. If you asked me to remember the landmark dates where I felt like ending it all, I couldn't tell you, there were so many.

The bullying continued for three years until I turned fifteen and something changed. There were days I felt insane, there were days I felt like lashing out violently... I won't go further. People focus on how bullying can break someone, but how seriously do we consider how it can turn the victim into a monster. I wouldn't dare harm someone, but it's all part of the mental health issues caused by harassment and bullying. I turned from the fun-loving child I was at ten years old and became a pseudo-maniac at fifteen.

Back then, if you'd asked me to recall a time, I felt truly happy with myself and life, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. To be honest, I have an atrocious memory, but the fact remains, my mind was a mangled mess because of the bullying. It ruined my faith in humanity. I began to close myself away from even my own family. I harmed myself through blunt force. I was convinced that, if I really was deserving of life, this wouldn't happen, I wouldn't be reduced to a fourteen-year-old hermit with nothing better to do than wallow in self-pity. I would cry myself to sleep. I felt like my entire life was over before it even began.

This is what severe bullying does. I couldn't trust my own family. The virtual world was my only escape from reality. I shut out my family when they tried to help me. I've spent the four last years attempting to make amends for my actions. I feel so guilty even today reliving these memories, knowing my sister, who I painted as a villain, was the one who saved my life.

My sister suggested an online game called Undertale. Initially. I thought she was crazy. I'd never heard of the game before. Yet I was desperate, so I took her advice and researched the game.

The single best decision of those years ensued

I was enraptured immediately. A few theories and a lets-play had me sold. I found something I would love that, as bad as this sounds, wasn't family. Loving family is wonderful and you always should, but there was that little part of me that craved to love something out of choice. I finally had something to distract me from the torturous trial-by-fire my life had become.

From that moment, I crossed a bridge and arrived at the other side. I was practically obsessed, so much so. I even searched through my school computers and took a copy of the game. Maybe not the best idea, as I look back. Still, now I had something for myself. This was the start of my positive journey to the present day.

The basic concept of the game is that you take control of a young child who's fallen into a world called the Underground. The player's goal is to navigate through the unknown world as the child, in an attempt to reach the Surface, encountering plenty of 'monsters' of various persuasions. The story is character driven, and much deeper than expected, with more than a few important messages to take away. The main premise of Undertale is, 'The friendly RPG where nobody has to die.' The combat system, which is a mix of turn-based strategy and bullet hell, displays this fully, with 'Fight' and 'Spare' options to decide murderous or pacifist approaches to encounters. The story takes this approach, with separate plot and endings for violent, neutral and pacifist players. That level of control is truly unique.

After some time with Undertale, I started to delve into the fandom. YouTube served as my entry into the Undertale fandom. Just because Undertale had entered my sphere didn't mean my social life got any better, it just provided a way to save myself. Slowly, I delved deeper; discovering all manner of new people and creativity as I went.

When I started out in the fandom, I was a scared teenager with trust issues. Each time I posted a comment on a video or contributed an idea, I felt like myself again. This feeling heightened once I played the game through for the first time. I distinctly remember it. The characters were amazing, especially characters such as Papyrus and Undyne. Over multiple replays. I uncovered messages behind the game of hope and acceptance. It helped me carve out a new persona. Even the infamous Genocide Route, the name given to the gameplay style, served a strange, somewhat disturbing purpose. It was a strangely therapeutic relationship that developed between Undertale and myself. The amount of control the player has over the game world felt liberating after the prison-like reality I faced.

Some people give the Undertale fandom grief for toxicity - insisting the community rejects new members. This couldn't be further from the truth. Most people, including myself, subscribe to the belief that the Undertale fandom was a toxic mess of a community, but I was wrong. They took me in and showed me the ropes and how the community works. I knew this was a community worth staying in. I discovered that the world I was told to be uninhabitable, was in fact; my home away from home.

A few months after entering my new refuge, I uncovered something extremely special. The animation series, 'Glitchtale,' by Camila Cuevas. This was my first interaction with content that wasn't music or theories, but someone's uniquely written story. Normally I would have passed this over, but Glitchtale stuck with me. There's only one thing that remains with someone despite their efforts to remove it. Inspiration.

Everything was turning out well, one day I had this single, pivotal thought that changed my entire life and set me on a new road, with its own benefits and detriments. "If she could write. Why can't I?"

This spurred me to where I am today. I thought I would try my hand at writing books. I vividly remember beginning my first chapter. A scared fourteen-year-old with no clue what he was doing; only one single piece of motivation. If others could create this content, what was stopping me?

I had nothing to go off, just a game yet, by some stretch of a miracle, it turned into a series. To think, I was sitting on the lounge and for the first time in years, I had control. That detail soothed me, knowing that despite the chaos, I could write a story. Everything was of my own choosing, that did wonders for a child with depression. That was three years ago.

Of course, it wasn't all happiness, and before long writing stories didn't cut it anymore. I began to tire, I'd be stuck with writer's block for months, trying to write one scene. I began thinking I would never get these stories I'd poured my soul into, complete. My depression devolved into a form of stress. Eventually, that stress manifested as perfectionism. Being on the autism spectrum could have been expected; doesn't mean it wasn't debilitating

Over and over, I would rewrite scenes, seeking perfection. I strained so much even Undertale's vibrant community couldn't save me, try as they might. I fell back into sadness. I thought if my brain was stuck in a negative feedback loop that would replace depression with stress and perfectionism, what was the point in writing?

I returned to the Undertale community, and again, they saved me. By now Glitchtale was well into its second season, yet I could feel my interest in the game. Luckily my life was stabilizing, but with my parent's divorce, losing interest in Undertale was something I couldn't allow myself to do. I continued despite my mental state, I started hurting myself again because of my "failures." Until my sister showed me another haven

Wattpad

I joined Wattpad expecting nothing but elitists and abusers. While there are some here, what shocked me was the friendliness of the community. It was like being back in the Undertale fandom again, except even better. I began to open up again. I had something else worthwhile to call my own. I named my Wattpad account, "Arkotract." It felt like an extension of myself.

Since joining Wattpad's fanfiction writers, saying it's been smooth sailing is a lie. Yet the good experiences make it worth staying. The unconditional mateship I received was something I'd been craving.

After discovering the forums in October 2018, Wattpad began to display its dark side.

The true nature of advertising on the website came out. I felt a competitive mania. I became insecure, every time I saw someone with higher stats, I feared them. For all its benefits, Wattpad temporarily returned me to a self-hateful state. I began to cut off contact with people and harbor resentment toward more well-known authors. I became afraid of failure.

Entering Wattpad had been a blessing at first, but I became insecure. This was accentuated in the forums; I began noticing the old badges, like Cult of the Goat and Wandering Soul, intrigued and insecure; I began my hunt

I ceased most contact with anyone associated with the badges. By now, Undertale had lost my interest. I had nowhere to go. For all Wattpad's benefits, discussing its negative impacts upon an author, while not heterodoxy, is occasionally discarded. Upon returning from a holiday I noticed a new badge: "Witness to Oblivion." Everyone I knew had one, except me, so the insecurity returned with the force of a semi-trailer.

I learned I missed my chance to have it thrice over. Knowing this I ceased all contact with every single Witness, even crying to myself. I couldn't shake the fear I felt. Until now.

The Witnesses were kind for the most part, they became my first true friend group on Wattpad. Most of the time I didn't understand everything they talked about. I was scared they would consider me inferior. They didn't, insisting I was not. For the very first time, I felt like I could make friends with people and maintain it, their disposition mirrored the Undertale fandom.

This support from the forums translated to the main site. They're responsible for inspiring me to try my hand at original works sometime. One thing I'm always grateful for is... They saved my life; Wattpad saved my life.

I want this to be a message to everyone out there. Please, think before you condemn, both yourself and others. There will always be people willing to help you. There is always some kind of unexpected love out there just waiting for you to throw yourself into it. If it worked for me it'll work for you.

Never give up, especially not on yourself. There are pros and cons to everything, including Wattpad. Like any social media forum or platform, it can cause low self-esteem. Something to remember is there only exists a limited number of people to bring us down and cause pain. Despite this, once you start working through that pain, you'll find a place you wish you'd known sooner. I say all this because they truly did save my life. Both my havens; Undertale and Wattpad.

How has Wattpad had a positive impact for you?