I can see how she fucking feels. I can see how the hell she's starting to feel, and that's not good. Don't fucking love me! We're good at what we do and that's it.

I fuck her a little bit more and I empty on her belly. I must go no further. She'll stick with me more and then bollocks.

                                                                           ***

After a bath, we sit in the living room and eat. I ordered chicken and potatoes, but I don't feel like eating them. Unlike Reva, who's about to eat the dishes. I'm smiling like an asshole.

Maybe because no matter how much asshole you are, you're also starting to feel something for her.

Fucking shut up, damn it! What the fuck is my head talking about? I don't feel anything. After Bridget, NOTHING. For none. And if I thought Bridget was my first experience of fucking love, I was the biggest asshole in the world. Because it turned out she wasn't worth it.

I'm sure Bridget doesn't compare to Reva. Reva might be the best thing that's ever happened to me, but no! No, I'm not in pain for any bitch. I don't want any fucking experience from any chick. I didn't want it from Bridget, and it turned out I was right.

The thing is that you want REVA to be your first experience of love.

You fucking voice in my head, shut up, 'cause I'm taking her by the hair now and declaring I don't wanna see her again. I'm getting really bad now.

Why would you do that, Dorian?

Because I fucking can!

I drink the rest of the wine without looking at Reva at all. She must have noticed my angry expression by now from the fucking voices of my mind.

She puts some more wine in my glass without speaking. She knew that was what I wanted. Fucking damn me! She covers everything before I even ask. At that thought, I frown even more on my fucking face.

She submissively lowers her head and continues to eat. Not asking me what I got, nor grumbling, not fucking anything!

"Don't do that anymore," I say quickly.

"What am I doing?" she whispers while she gets up and moves away from me.

She went into the bedroom. I know what she's doing. She knows I'm thinking something shitty, and she just leaves so there's no tension.

Her superiority and strength are killing me. They make me feel weak, and she's strong.

I get up like a spring and go into the bedroom. I'm standing like an asshole at the front door.

"What am I doing, Dorian?" she asks me again in a calm voice while she dresses without looking at me.

But I can tell she's already mired in fucking thoughts, and they're certainly not pleasant. But she's not making a scene with me as any chick would do right now, and that fucks my brain. It's distracting me.

"See yourself what you're doing. You're already hurting for me before you even know why. You're doing it right now without me saying a word to you. You grieve for me unconditionally, and you don't care to know why first. You cover my soul without any effort," I whisper in the last sentence.

No, I didn't fucking say it, did I?

No, no, god damn it, I didn't fucking say it!

She swallows dryly at the sound of my last sentence; she's bewildered for a bit but continues to gather the mess of the bed.

I come quickly to my fucking myself and I search between the words to find the right ones to make a sentence that will negate the shit I uttered.

"It's all right, Dorian," she says to me as if he understood what I was thinking.

That's not good. She can't and shouldn't be able to make me look 'naked' in front of her. No one should see Dorian fucking Green so clearly.

But her fucking love proves the opposite to me. So, if you love someone can you easily understand what is she thinking?

It's fucking creepy.

"What is all right? I may have lied to you," I pop up to her to bewilder her, but also to test her nerves.

She should be pissed now. Which chick wouldn't fucking pissed, right?

She lays the cover on the bed and checks it. Then she comes and stands before me.

"Falsehood is what you want to hear and the truth is what you see," she flings at me and enters the drawing room again.

So what now? Did she turn me off and made a spectacular exit? What the fuck? What's supposed to happen now? She had to moan at me and I'm ready to do it to her?

Not one in a million! But I'm curious to test her stamina.

Asshole Dorian, so not to fuck you, don't even think about bonding with her, I advise myself quietly.

You brought her to the house your parents left you before they died. You haven't even brought Bridget in here. Reva is the first. And you did it without a second thought, the inner voice fucking tells me.

So what? That doesn't mean anything. It just happened. What the fuck am I doing? Who am I kidding? Shut the fuck up, fucking voice. I just want to scream right now, smash everything and tell Riva we're done.

That's what I want. Because that's how it should be. If not done, what comes next?

The stupid feelings that convince you that you're in love and you sit there like an asshole and cry about your fucking fate. You don't even know why you're whining like a chick.

But you don't let her go. You still hold her close to you, says my head, and I clench my teeth without making any more internal war.

Ok, I'm not gonna leave this chick like this. I'll give her a lot of things, but not my fucking heart. She already has double the amount in her account from me by that night at the casino.

It's her slut friend Marinell's fault. If she hadn't brought Riva to the casino...

Riva must have no idea what a bitch her friend is. When she gave me blowjobs and she was screaming my name, Riva had already met me.

I'm gonna have to say a few words to that asshole Ridge who's fucking her; in case he does some shit and gets emotionally involved with her because the idiot is gonna fucked.

Looks like Stephan knows how to pick better chicks. Specifically Reva. But she is mine. For now at least. There ain't no fucking asshole born yet who's gonna take a chick out of my hands.

When I get tired of her, he can do whatever the fuck the asshole wants. But as long as I have her, he's finished. So far I've been having fun with her and that's what I like now.

She's mine, period.

I keep picking up the kitchen table and washing the dishes. Dorian a moment ago challenged me with one of the strange changes his mood makes. I accept that, too.

He's here with me, and I feel happy. I won't let that ruin me, not even his peculiar behavior. He came back to me. I don't want to see anything else.

Don't be so sure. I am your heart that speaks to you. Protect me, please. Don't bond so deeply. Keep me to yourself. I'll ache, and you'll feel if you get hurt. Again...

It's the first time I'm thinking carefully about my inner voice, and I don't talk back like I usually do. My heart will ache, and I will feel, I repeat my inner words in silence.

No, no. Not this time, I'll make it work. I mean, Dorian, whatever he says, he's here with me.