It's the moment when everything collapses in real-time. It is the moment when no matter how much I try to warrant what I see in front of me, every effort falls into the void and is shattered while at the same time, I am also shattered.

Dorian is inside another woman's body.

You can't turn a blind eye to that, can you?

How stupid would you be as a woman if you just let it go and keep investing emotionally after all this?

It will be another illusion because reality will always be there to remind you of the collision of your eyes with the unwanted sight you saw.

Dorian hastily leaves the unknown woman's gaping legs and buttons his trousers. She stands on her feet and clumsily pulls down her dress in an attempt to save her dignity, but without success.

"Sky, go, please," Dorian tells her in a serious tone.

She obeys him shamefacedly and walks out of the office with a lowered head.

I'm between starting yelling or just leaving. The wound inside me is bleeding and hurting unbearably, almost screaming at me to go crazy and smash everything in here. For some reason, my deep breaths keep me calm.

Dorian rubs his forehead with his fingers and goes with slow steps to his office chair. He sits pensively and lights a cigarette.

My mouth is dry, but since I've come this far, I have to finish it. I expect to hear from him the cliché lines, like, "It's not what you think," or "How did you get here," etc.

"I don't want us to break up," Dorian tells me, and he shoots down my thoughts.

"And what do you want us to do?" I ask with a little intensity in my voice.

I need to control this before I start yelling and allowing anger to control me.

"I don't want to lose you, Reva," he says to me in a serious tone, but that irritates me the most.

"Listen, Dorian. Listen to me for the last time," I raise my voice a little and look him straight in the eyes.

"If I tell you again I love you, or that I don't want to lose you, you will call me stupid and weak, of course, that is something I would never tell you. So I'll just tell you this. Keep your opinions, keep your thoughts. But you can't take away from me what I feel, whether you like it or not. No matter how much you tried to change me, to put me in your mold, it didn't happen. From this, I get to the conclusion that you do not feel as I do, and I'm sure you never will. So I'm off. And if I stayed longer with you, you weren't the cause. I wanted to stay. You had told me if I kicked you out, you'd respect it. If I keep you, it will be forever. The second failed between us. Respect at least the first choice that you made in the beginning because now, I'm kicking you out."

I turn and leave his office without leaving him any room to say something because I don't want to hear anything anymore.

I opened my mouth and said all that bled until they became words on my lips.

                               ***

It was nearly three months after my breakup with Dorian, and since then I have never seen him again. All this time, the thought of him is here with me, but he still misses me.

I feel that I live in the same situation again, and it will always be unknown because as I have said before, in love, you are always a rookie, and the breakup every time is experienced differently.

The memory of separation is a place of events and feelings that ceased to exist. The irony is that regardless of whether you accept it or not, your mind keeps spinning into finished memories that seem to never give up trying to pull you back like plumbs.

Just at this point, you will be nostalgic for your old and strong Self that seemed steadfast and often you gave advice to your friends, which you now need, but cannot implement them.

If you're nostalgic for who you were before, don't try to stop loving the person who emptied you emotionally. Whatever effort you make, you will find that it is a vain toil, and the gap that will grow will make you love your mistake more.

Stay there at this point and find what you lost in yourself. This situation will take you directly to the problem and the gap will be filled. It will lead you to the piece that was lost and by confronting the lost part face to face, you will calm down.

It's in the fall, and I've taken a few days off from court. I pass them near the window, gazing at the yellowish leaves of the trees that are fallen in the streets and on the neighboring grass lawns, having changed the climate of the atmosphere, which prepares you for the coming of winter.

I never used to read, but now a book may keep you the most harmless companionship and fill up your time. Books will never hurt you, unlike the people who go through your life.

Sometimes I remember Marinell. I have never seen her since that afternoon when we had coffee near her house. I completely distanced myself from her, and at last, she accepted it without troubling me again.

I remember telling her that, if I ever felt anything was wrong between us, I would never make a scene with her, or ask for an explanation. I would disappear from her life quietly, as I did.

What does it matter to try to eliminate toxicity from a friend when she has not even tried to correct herself?

Just remember that toxic people will not tell you the truth and try to get you down behind your back because only "secretly" can deal with you.

You will notice them by their deeds, but in order not to make a scene with them, you will start to make "truths" by yourself, to keep in touch with them. At some point, however, all this will be revealed; they will break out and it will not be a good result.

I regretted keeping Marinell close to me for so many years while somewhere at the bottom of my mind, I knew that at some point, she would "empty" me without a second thought.

Such a "truth" I had conjured up in my mind about Dorian. A well-laid illusion that my passion needed for him.

It's the biggest trap because you just stay in the relationship, to say you have a relationship. This at least is proved in the end because it is impossible to love a person who does not live for you, even typically.

Such a "truth" I shall have to contrive now that Dorian and I have separated, even by force.

The truths we make are the ones that help us forget.

My mind takes a little time in this hard effort, and I remember his hot body in mine. I feel something fluttering inside me, and it hurts.

The sex was made with emotion, that's why you liked it, my inner voice suddenly and sternly pops up.

I almost laugh as I remember Dorian and that blonde woman tasting his body in hers. I still wonder how I endured and didn't peel her.

Why should I blame her anyway? It was all Dorian's fault. He was another toxic man, too.

Don't listen to the words of toxic people, whether they're friends or comrades. Do not allow yourself to enter into quarrels that they provoke. Don't let their toxicity infect your heart and your emotional world.

Just ignore and leave their sick circle because their "darkness", which does not appear from the beginning, will also make you "dark". Sometimes we're the toxic ones, but we don't know it. If we have become toxic, it must be because others made us.

I take a few last glances at the sky which has an orange tint from the sunset and head to the kitchen to make some coffee. Coffee right now relaxes me, and I've been making a habit of it lately.

I turn on the TV to search for a movie when I hear the doorbell ringing.

Who is it now?!