Somewhere over the Pacific

Spring 2015

Oh, this was so bad...

There was no way for Natasha to downplay that simple fact in her mind.

Of all the times for this to come out?

She wanted to rip Ultron's central processor or whatever he had that was equivalent to a heart out herself for the pain he'd caused.

She'd known, or at least, Natasha had suspected what had happened between Nadine and Barnes all those years ago. It had been hard not to, even young as she'd been at the time. It wasn't like sex had been a mystery in the Red Room. It was a fact of life, a natural function—a predictable motivator—they had been taught to exploit. So it hadn't been too difficult to figure out what had likely been happening with Nadya, especially knowing her sister as well as she had. The marks she'd seen left on her older sister's skin? The marks on his? The changes in her behaviour? Neither had it been hard to discern that whatever had happened hadn't sat well with Nadya even then. And it appeared it hadn't gotten any better with time.

If anything, it had gotten worse.

And Natasha suspected that had everything to do with Nina.

But she'd really given it very little thought in the time since their days in the Red Room simply because she'd believed Nadya dead, the Winter Soldier permanently trapped by his programming and some secrets better left lost.

She hadn't even thought to tell Steve about Barnes' time in the Red Room when she'd first told him about the Winter Soldier's existence. She hadn't seen the point, and they'd still been learning to trust each other, then. But then everything changed.

And she'd learned the Winter Soldier was actually Bucky Barnes.

She'd told Steve that Barnes had been brought in for a short time during her training not long after S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, during Steve's recovery after what had happened on the Helicarriers. But that had been it. She hadn't told him about Nadya; even remembering her lost sister had still been too painful. She never would've been able to get the words out. Besides, at the time she'd truly believed telling him about her sister would've done little good. So she certainly hadn't shared what she had suspected had transpired between Nadya and Barnes. She'd seen little point in hurting Steve with more than the barest knowledge of what Barnes had done and experienced in the Red Room. It was in the past and done and that was that. Steve had already been in enough pain, shouldering more guilt than he deserved over what had happened to Barnes.

She knew he blamed himself for what had happened to his friend. There had been no missing it. The guilt and remorse had been written clearly in his eyes.

So she'd decided not to tell him about Nadya's relationship with his oldest friend...if it could even be called that...

What good would it have done save to torment the Captain?

She couldn't bear to do that to her friend.

But as soon as Nadine had reappeared in her life? She'd had a sinking feeling in her gut that the truth would eventually out and she regretted not having said something before. But with Nadine back? It also meant it was no longer just her secret to tell.

Especially when Nadine had dropped the little bombshell that she had a daughter...and that Nina's existence was her reason for running from the Red Room.

That revelation had led to one inevitable conclusion that Natasha was rather wishing she'd didn't know just now...one that had the potential to break Nadine and further devastate Steve.

They were both so important to her; Nadine was her sister; Steve was one of her few true friends. And there was no way out of this mess without both of them getting hurt. There were only options that would hurt less than others.

It was why she'd tried to broach the subject of Nadine telling the others—and by extension Steve—about why Strucker had wanted Nina; because of her relationship to Nadine and Barnes. It would've been the best, even kindest way to break the news: let the realization come out of a show of trust. Had Nadine offered up Nina's relationship to Barnes? It all would've fallen out very differently. Nadine would've controlled the narrative, showing that both she and Barnes had been victims of a cruel administration, whether she meant to portray herself as such or not. It would've let Steve realize that Nadine was not malicious in her keeping of that secret, but rather that she'd been protecting Barnes' child the best way she knew how, the only way she'd been able to. It would've been a way for her to further earn his trust. It would've given him pause.

But the blonde assassin had immediately and decisively shut that idea down. Understandably, Nadine did not trust easily. She'd spent so long on her own, with little choice but to bury her secrets away under layers of lies and misdirection and more secrets in the hope that no one could use them against her or her child.

Despite knowing she'd had to try, Natasha had held little hope that she'd be able to convince Nadine to share her greatest secret with anyone, much less with people she barely knew, people whose interference had only helped Strucker in getting his hands on her daughter. There had been simply no way. Not when Nadine had spent the last eighteen years convinced that that secret getting out would only put Nina's life in danger.

Well, she hadn't entirely been wrong on that score...

But now there was more at stake than just Nina's safety. Now Ultron was in on the secret and he was using it to try and throw them off their game.

And the worst part was that it was working.

Steve was now struggling to process what he'd learned and Nadine was distraught. She was a mess right when they needed her most.

Right when they were so close to tracking the metal bastard down.

Steve, she knew, would manage. He was a soldier first and foremost and he could compartmentalize with the best...though, Natasha had also learned all bets were off when Barnes was involved...

Natasha groaned, her hand rising to massage her forehead.

This was so bad...

Steve could work through it, even if it was only for the duration of the mission, she convinced herself. Beating Ultron was too important, no matter how earth-shattering and destabilizing the news about his oldest friend was.

At least Ultron hadn't spilled the beans that Nina was actually Barnes' daughter... If Steve thought finding out about Nadine and Barnes was a tough pill to swallow, she was not looking forward to him discovering that piece of news.

A little part of her was dreading the possibility that Steve might very well put it together himself.

Was it too much to hope that Nina's relationship to Barnes was something the robot didn't know?

Probably.

The fallout from Nina's paternity coming to light was going to be bad. There was no doubt about that.

Which was almost hard to believe, because this was bad enough.

Natasha had never seen Nadine like this. Ever. Even when she'd shown up at the Tower out of the blue with news that her secret daughter had been taken by Strucker she hadn't seemed this affected.

Or at least, she'd hidden it better.

It was certainly proof that the blonde assassin had been severely scarred by what she'd been 'asked' to do in the Red Room.

By what she had done.

Normally, Natasha would've been just as sure that Nadine could at least lock it all away to focus on the mission. After all, there was no one better at compartmentalization than a Red Room Recruit, officially graduated or not. Normally, at least. Right now the redhead wasn't so sure. Nadine was emotional and volatile when Nina was involved, making her unpredictable. It left Natasha oddly understanding of the Red Room's Graduation Ceremony...oh, she'd always understood the logic, but here she was being confronted with the reality of it.

And for Nadine there was also the added complication that where Barnes was involved, Nina was automatically brought to mind. Understandable; the two were inextricably linked for Nadine, after all.

That wasn't even accounting for the psychological scarring either.

Already Natasha could see in Steve's face that, while far from coming to terms with what he'd learned, he was capable of setting it aside for the sake of the mission. But there was little doubt he was going to be confronting it as soon as this mission was over. She could see it in the determined glint in his eyes and the firm set of his jaw.

And Nadine was trying. Natasha could see it plainly in the way the blonde's eyes were tightly closed despite the virtually relaxed expression she wore. But her usually impeccably schooled features were betraying her. There was no hiding the overwhelming guilt and regret written on her sister's unusually transparent face.

It was heartbreaking to think that she'd been carrying that level of guilt without confiding in a single soul for so long, hiding it desperately away from everyone, even Natasha, lest she risk someone using it against her child.

Because that was what lay at the heart of her fear, after all. Though, it was beginning to look to Natasha like her sister hadn't expected to feel as devastated as she was by the reveal; she suspected a big part of that had to do with seeing a visual record of it, with being so violently confronted with it, the violation of it. Natasha couldn't imagine...well, she could, but she'd never experienced it herself.

No, Natasha could see that her sister hadn't anticipated the power that video would have over her as easily as she could see just how deeply affected Nadine had been; it took a little work, but once she knew it was there, it was as plain as day. If she hadn't watched the cracks in Nadine's composure appear the instant Ultron had begun dumping her secrets for them all to see, she never would've guessed that the remorse and self-reproach her sister had hidden away over what had happened between her and Barnes ran as deep as it did, or so strongly.

'Heartbreaking' really didn't cover it.

She was really starting to second-guess her plans now...

Even when she and Bruce had made their tentative agreement to disappear when this Ultron Fiasco was over with, she'd been fighting a flicker of doubt. Yes, after being so brutally confronted with the harsh, blunt reminder of what she was, she was questioning if she was really deserving of calling herself an Avenger, if it was really the life she was cut out for. If she really belonged with them...if she was really suited to being part of a team at all. Clint had questioned her desire to be a part of just that before the Battle of New York, for heaven's sake. But as she'd joined Clint, Steve and Nadine on the Quinjet to Seoul, she had been forced to confront the realization that she was more than just a spy and assassin when she was with them. She was inarguably a member of the team and they relied on her.

But that hadn't been the sum of it, either.

She'd also been confronted with the realization that in the time since the Battle of New York, they had become more than a team.

They'd become a family.

The Avengers were indisputably her family now. Not only did she have real purpose with the team, but they valued her as more than just an asset. They valued her for just being 'Natasha.' She felt like she belonged with them.

As tempting as the urge to run still was—she'd known little else, so there was a sense of safety in the idea—she was no longer sure she could run out on them anymore, even when this was over and done with.

She'd realized she didn't want to leave.

Not really.

She liked having a family.

And she wanted to fight for her family.

As she looked to Nadine again, she realized she now had one more reason to stay...two, if she counted Nina. She certainly couldn't run now. Not with Nadine's secret hanging over their heads and the looming second part yet to, well, explode onto the scene. Nadine was going to need her support when Steve confronted her about Barnes, and her sister was definitely going to need her support when Nina's paternity came to light. And so was Steve. She was going to need to use every ounce of patience and compassion she had when that secret came out. They were both going to need her to be the voice of reason when the inevitable confrontation went down.

It was not going to be pretty when Steve found out...not if his reaction so far was anything to go by.

Oh man, what were they going to do once they got to Seoul?

As though on cue, Clint was calling back from the cockpit.

"Incoming on Seoul, guys," he informed them sedately, "we'll be in sight of Dr. Cho's lab in a few minutes."

Almost immediately Nadine's face had cleared, her gaze sharpening with focus as she stood.

This, Natasha realized with a faint chill, was what it meant to be a Red Room Recruit; she knew because she was the same way. Clint called it her 'game face.' She'd just never seen it appear on another face before...at least, not in a very long time.

Had she not seen with her own eyes just how close Nadine had been to a complete breakdown only moments before, she never would've believed it now.

Without a word Nadine was efficiently collecting the rest of her gear, slipping on her pale jacket and adjusting her belt and holsters. As Natasha did the same, slipping her gloves on after a final check that her sidearms and batons were still securely in place, she kept a close eye on her sister, wary of any cracks in the blonde's emotional armour.

There were none. Nadine was completely focused on the task at hand.

Just like they'd been trained.

There was just the faintest troubled shadow lingering behind her sharp grey eyes to betray what waited beneath her once again impeccable control.

Glancing over to Steve where he'd moved up to the cockpit for a final check-in with Clint, Natasha noted that the same sort of determined focus had come over the Captain.

Well, at least there was some hope they'd at least be able to work together for the time being.

With a nod at Clint, Steve re-joined Natasha and Nadine in the main cabin. He didn't even spare Nadine a glance, Natasha noticed with dismay. Hurt flickered in the blonde assassin's grey eyes before being quickly secreted away.

So much for that hope...

"We have a job to do," Steve said brusquely, "and we can't afford to be distracted by...personal issues." Natasha fought to keep from flinching; the subtext was clear. "I'll head in on the ground on Recon, checking in with Dr. Cho. Romanoff, you'll be my backup if it comes to a fight, but for now you'll be our eyes from here. Barton, you're our way out and our cover." It was only then that he glanced to Nadine. "You'll stay on the Quinjet. Keep working on tracking down Ultron's base." Had she been anyone else, Natasha was sure Nadine would've flinched at Steve's unmistakably censured tone. Had she been more herself, Natasha was sure the blonde would have bristled at being so bluntly dismissed. Instead she merely nodded sedately, her unreadable gaze watching the Captain.

"Steve," Natasha broke in, alarmed at the call, "if Ultron's down there and it comes down to a fight, we'll need her on the ground. We can't take Ultron just the two of us." Steve didn't look at her, already striding toward the boarding ramp as he adjusted his gloves before grabbing up his shield and helmet.

"What we need to do is keep him from the Cradle. If he's down there, I'll keep him distracted while you and Barton secure it." It was a fair enough plan. He might not be an equal match for Ultron by any means, but Steve would be enough of one to keep him busy. But still...a lot could go wrong...and they had another fighter who could help.

"He's not going to be alone, Rogers. Regardless of what Ultron spilled, having someone else as backup—" Barton tried to reason warily, but Steve cut him off.

"We'll manage. We always do," Natasha stared at the Captain incredulously.

"Steve, c'mon. You trust me and I trust her; I trust her motives. Nadine—"

"You've earned my trust, Romanoff," he broke in authoritatively, fixing Natasha with a hard look, "She hasn't. She stays on the Quinjet. I can't have people I can't trust at my back. None of us can."

There was no missing the way Nadine tensed at the hard tone of his declaration.

Or the pain flashing in her quickly averted eyes.

As much as it pained Natasha to admit it, there was no arguing with Steve over this. She shot Nadine an apologetic look as the Captain prepared for Barton to drop him over the U-Gen facility.

But the blonde appeared unaffected by the tension, calmly retaking her seat in front of the console she'd been sitting at before her secrets and her carefully constructed life had started unraveling around her.

Natasha knew better. She knew the mask her sister wore.

She knew what it hid.

Steve's comment about trust had cut deep. Deeper than the blonde had expected.

But they had a job to do and none of them could afford to be anything but focused. So no matter how desperately she wanted to reach out to her sister, Nat knew now was very much not the right time. So she drew on her training just as her sister had done, locking what had happened away where it wouldn't affect her focus on the mission at hand. It meant effectively acting as though none of it had happened, as though two of the most important people in her life hadn't just had an emotional bombshell dropped on their heads. Like her sister's life hadn't just been torn irrevocably apart.

But if that's what it took to keep her teammates from getting killed?

So be it.

They could figure it all out later, she reminded herself as she returned to her own seat even as Steve leapt from the carefully hovering Quinjet to the roof of the U-Gen building.

Now it was just a matter of making sure everyone made it to 'later.'

And to do that, Ultron needed to be stopped.

God, this was such a mess...

A/N: Thanks for reading!

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