Caden POV

I opened the door to the pub, feeling way too emotional to just go home. I rarely had the need to talk things with someone, but that was the only thing on my mind today. Lately, I’d spill my guts to Alice but she was the reason for my current distress. So I was back to my old confessor.

“Cade, what are you doing here?” Cillian asked me, looking up from the box he used to carry the alcohol to the storage and back to the bar.

“I need a drink.”

“You do realize it’s barely noon, right Caden?” I didn’t answer and just walked in his direction. “Technically I haven’t even opened yet.” He went on, turning his back to the box so he could face me instead.

“Whiskey,” was all I said, sitting on one of the wooden stools. “Better make them two.”

He looked me over carefully, seeking out the reason for my behavior. I knew I was making him worried and I felt bad about it, but right now I had other things to be concerned with. The man finally sighed in defeat, poured some whiskey in a glass which he handed to me and left the bottle on the bar.

I took a big gulp fully aware of the fact that he was watching me expectantly, waiting for the explanation I wasn’t ready to give him yet. I mean, what could I say? I didn’t even know how to start or how much to tell him.

I took another sip of the amber beverage and let out a huge gush of air through my mouth.

“Keegan and Alice made out.” I stated coolly, looking ahead of me at nothing in particular. I waited for him to respond but when he didn’t I lifted my eyes to meet his. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“I don’t know what to say.” He explained in a simple, calm manner.

Silence settled in as I looked ahead of me again, nervously tapping my fingers on the bar.

“It was bound to happen.” He added with a sigh, making me turn my head to him again with what was no doubt a confused expression on my face. “Well, maybe not with Keegan, but Alice is a cute girl so it was only a matter of time before she started dating someone.”

“They are not dating,” I explained through a growl. “It was Keegan who kissed her; it was him who wanted more; it was that bastard who…”

“Hey, hey, Caden… Slow down and think about what you’re saying!” He placed his hands upwards with the palms turned my way as if he was trying to hold me back. “Do you even realize that you just called your best friend “a bastard”? Not to mention that you look like you want to murder the boy.”

“Oh, I don’t want to murder him,” I started with a sickeningly sweet tone. “I just want to rip off his head without him dying, then stitch it back on so I can rip it off again and again, and again…” I could feel myself getting more and more pissed off with every word I uttered.

“Why?” His sudden question interrupted my rant.

“What do you mean “why”?”

“If they are happy together, why would you want to rip off his head?”

“They are not happy together.” I glared at him as I went on: “They are not even together and they will never be together.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Cillian replied, taking a piece of cloth and starting to wipe the surface of the bar. “She’s bound to end up with someone eventually so why not Keegan?”

My mouth momentarily fell open in shock at his words before setting in a hard line. I was so angry I bet I could cause him pain just by staring at him. But he did not look at me and just kept on casually wiping.

“He’s not good enough for her,” I explained in a venomous tone.

“Are you?” He shot out turning to stare back at me.

Was I? That was an easy question and I knew the answer of it.

No.

I wasn’t good enough for Alice and no matter how hard I tried to change, I’d never be good enough for someone like her.

I diverted my attention back to the whiskey, not wanting to voice my thoughts. It was probably pointless anyway; I’m sure Cillian could read them in my eyes. I heard another sigh slip through his lips before he spoke:

“You can’t blame them for trying, Caden. I mean, what are they supposed to do? Wait forever for you to make up your mind on whether you want to be with Alice or not?”

“They don’t have to wait; I’m not getting together with her.” My voice was distant, drained of emotion.

What I said was true; I had no intention to date Alice. She was a sweet, caring girl. Completely innocent when compared to me. She had a plan for the future she wanted to have and knew exactly where she was heading.

It was my opinion that I didn’t fit in with her design.

What could I offer her in return for always being there for me? I was a delinquent, slowly but steadily adding new chapters to my criminal record. If we were to get together I’d only hold her back. Hell, she could even get hurt because of me! That was why I decided to be just friends with her and to enjoy what we already had.

But it was so fucking hard sometimes! She was always so nice to me, being patient of my mood swings, making sure I was okay even when I acted like an asshole to her… I wasn’t used to girls doing that; they usually just used me for sex. Her behavior caught me off guard and confused me. But at the same time I liked it; I liked knowing there was a girl who genuinely cared, who didn’t take advantage of my looks and bad boy reputation; a girl who wouldn’t judge me or preach to me. That was what attracted me to Alice even more than her looks – her personality; her sweet, gentle, caring personality, and her innocent intentions.

I sighed, realizing once again what a selfish bastard I was. I wasn’t going to date her but I didn’t want anyone else going out with her either. How messed up was I? I even got angry with my best friend, I guy that always had my back, because he felt the same way towards her as I did.

“How do you do it, Cillian?” I asked, looking up at the man who had patiently kept silent, giving me time to try and sort out my thoughts. “How can you know that you and another guy… care about the same woman and still be friends?”

I saw sorrow creep up on his features and almost regretted saying those words. But I couldn’t keep them in me; I needed his help on the matter.

“Your dad and I go back a long way; we couldn’t turn our backs on each other and on an years-long friendship just because we fell in love with the same woman,” he explained in a strained voice before we fell in silence once more.

“I wish mom had chosen you,” I stated quietly what had been in my head for years. “I wish you were my real father and not just my legal guardian.”

“Caden…” He shook his head at me before going on: “I love you boy, I really do; you’re like a son to me. So what you just said means a lot to me. But don’t ever say that again. I know that Gavin isn’t the way he used to be…” I cringed as he uttered my father’s name. “He wasn’t always like that. He was a good husband and a good father. You used to adore him. But after what happened to your mom…”

“Don’t you even try making up excuses for that man, Cillian!” I snarled, my grip on the glass tightening. “You also used to love her, you still do… You’ve loved her for nearly thirty years but you did not drink yourself to the point where you forgot about everyone around you… That bastard had Logan and me to think of and he just took the easy way out and turned to drinking…”

“And he regrets it every day, Caden,” the bartender cut me off. “He’s getting help, he’s trying to make amends but it’s not easy. And your attitude isn’t helping either.”

I stared at him in shock for a second time today.

“You are actually blaming me for that?” I shouted, springing up from my seat, all the frustration making my breaths quick and shallow.

“No, Caden, I’m not, I’m not.” He attempted to calm me down adding a soothing inflection to his voice. “I’m just saying that he’s trying to get his life back together and it will mean a lot to him if you could show him some support…”

“SUPPORT?!” I bellowed in his face, grabbing the whiskey glass and throwing it to the wall next to him. “You want me to show him support? Where was he, my father, when mom got attacked? Where was he when she broke down? Where was he when…” I started choking on my own words, feeling a lump forming in my throat. “Where was he when I came back home and found mom lying on the floor after attempting to take her life? He wasn’t there for her; he wasn’t there for me or for Logan.” My voice was now even, as the mixture of feelings of hurt, anger, sadness and betrayal took its toll on me, leaving only tiredness behind. “So tell me, Cillian, why should I be there for him?”

“Because he’s your father.”

“He hasn’t acted like one in years,” I countered, sitting back on the stool. “As far as I’m concerned you’re my father and I have no reason to even talk to that other man.”

“That is not what your mother would’ve wanted. Rachel would’ve wanted for you to try and forgive your father. She’s all about giving people second chances; Alice reminds me so much of her because of that.”

I laughed. It was a loud, unpleasant, cold sound that echoed throughout the pub.

“Oh, you just love to rub it in, don’t you, Cillian?” I snickered sardonically and took the whiskey bottle from where he had previously left it on the bar. I needed some of the sweet albeit temporary comfort the amber liquid provided. I lifted it up to my lips, not bothering to even get a new glass, and then it hit me. I stood frozen with the bottle’s tip tilted towards me and that’s when I realized: I was just like him… I was just like my father.

I slowly placed the bottle back down on the bar shaking my head at first slowly, then vigorously.

“No… No, no ,no…” I kept repeating, futilely attempting to get the image of Gavin lifting a similar bottle in the very same way while I cried quietly in the corner of our living room. “I don’t want to be like him… I’m not like him… I can’t be, I hate him!”

“Caden…” Cillian’s voice seemed far away while I was cornered by visions of the past; old memories that I had tried my best to lock away in some dark, deep place of my brain.

“Caden!” His voice was more urgent now, almost panicked, and he violently shook my shoulder. “What happened to you boy?” He asked when my eyes finally focused on his.

“Fine. I’ll try it.” Confusion replaced the panic on his face so I hurried to clarify: “Next time he comes back from rehab, I’ll try to give him a chance.” I promised, now realizing how easy it was for a person to slip into alcohol’s alluring embrace and loose themselves in it. How could I blame my father, if I was seeking the very same comfort? “But don’t expect any miracles; it might be his intention to change but he still put us through a lot of crap!”

“Giving him a chance, that’s a start. I know Rachel would be proud of you and so would’ve Alice, if she knew about the situation with your father.” He made a pause in order to examine my reaction to his words, probably expecting me to loose it again with him mentioning the small brunette.

“Well, maybe I’ll tell mom about it when we visit her on Monday.”

“We?” He asked not being able to hide his curiosity.

“I’m taking Alice to meet her,” I noted briefly, hoping he wouldn’t ask for details.

No such luck.

“Wow, Caden… That’s a pretty big step.” He licked his lips nervously before going on: “At the risk of upsetting you again… Why are you taking her there?”

“Because I care for them both and I want the two to meet.” I explained simply.

“You know this isn’t fair to Alice, right? You share things with her, you go out of your way for her… It’s so obvious that you want this girl, Caden. So why are you giving her mixed signals? Why can’t you just get together?”

“Because Alice deserves much better than me, Cillian.” I voiced out my previous thoughts.

“But you also don’t want anybody else dating her?”

“I know it’s selfish but don’t worry; I made up my mind. I’m not going to risk what we have now. Alice and I will be just friends. And if she wants to date other guys…” I gulped down and took a deep breath before continuing, “… then I’ll try to be okay with that and will do my best not to get between them.”

“So what about Keegan then?”

I bit my lip.

What was I going to do about Keegan?

I was still angry with him, still thought he didn’t deserve Alice. But then again I doubt I’d ever approve of someone for that girl. I was pretty sure I’d always care for her in one way or another, but I’d also made up my mind to stick to my plan and be just friends; something I knew won’t be easy for me to achieve, but I promised to try my best.

“Keegan and I… We are cool.”

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrows at my nonchalant tone, clearly displaying his skepticism. “You no longer want to rip off his head? Not even smack him?”

For the first time since I came here today I smiled for real.

“Nah, Alice took care of that.” I answered and I couldn’t quite keep my delight hidden. “Apparently she wasn’t as much into the kiss as Keegan was, so she punched him in the gut.”

“For someone who is cool about Keegan,” the man started, looking slightly amused by this new little piece of information, “you sure don’t seem too upset about your friend getting hit.”

I just shrugged carelessly, attempting to hide a smirk.

Okay, I wasn’t about to lash out on Keegan and would do my best to act normal around him, but I couldn’t help feeling content with the outcome of his misadventure with Alice. It would take a while to get the girl out of my system and try to be happy for her when she finally meets someone, so for now I was just glad that she was throwing punches around at her suitors. Even if that included one of my best friends.