I sat beside Dawson, leaned against him and rubbing my thumb against the smooth, silver stone he had just given to me. The wind was drifting lazily across us as we sat there, perched on top of the Hents House, and we had wasted the night away just staring out at the glittering lights of the East Port fading into the distance.

But my anxieties would not leave me be for long. I could feel it now, tingles of it along my skin and a deep pressure against my mind. The money was gone. Every coin in that little wooden box had vanished, and we all knew where it was. Nipae had taken it and left us instead, even though she knew the difficulties of our lives here, even as she had struggled alongside us for so many months.

How could she have been so selfish? She had seen the thinning meals Kidget had been preparing, she had seen that haunted look grow into the eyes of the younger girls yet again, as slowly they realized food would not come easy, that fear that creased their little faces at the prospect of hunger once more.

Finally, we had been given our salvation. Finally it seemed as if the sun might have turned to shine on us once more. But their departures had been for nothing. Their sacrifices had fallen into uselessness now that the money was gone.

Those coins were enough to support us for a year, even with all of these girls now crowded in our home! We could have been fed and happy, and yet here we were, once again, faced with an uncertain future.

All that was left was a few coins left from when Melle had been visiting that man, and those would barely last us a week with the amount of hungry mouths we had to feed. All that we could depend on now would be the stores in our cupboards and a handful of coins. That was the entire worth of our lives.

My stomach hurt with the mere recollection of the day before, of the desperation in the face of the man had arrived, shepherding two daughters, who we had had to turn away, simply because we could not afford to care for any more. Even the knowledge of Melle's coming baby sent ripples of anxiety through me, knowing how much harder it was to care for such little ones.

"You seem far away tonight," Dawson murmured, drawing my attention towards him as he continued to look out across the dry, dry desert of the moon. "Like you're here, but you aren't here." He turned to me, the shape of the planet hung in space behind him. "Is everything ok, Enori?"

I stared at him, feeling the comfort and concern in his eyes seep out in to my chest, a warmth and knowledge of care I had not allowed myself to feel in quite a long time. "No." The word felt desolate as I said it, alone and singular in this tapestry of night and stars, the two of us pinned within our own cares and troubles. "We won't have enough money to eat this week."

The admission of it felt like a betrayal of any scrap of hope I might have been clinging to, but it was true all the same. The rations would run out in a few days, Dorcas had told me so the last time we had been in there in the kitchen together. And I knew the coin box tucked away in the smallet cubby was completely empty now. Gone, out into the depths of space.

I balled my hands up into fists, emotion creasing over my face. "I wish I could do something, Dawson! I wish I could fix this, that I could make everything right again but I can't. And I just feel so useless because of it."

"Oh, Enori." Dawson wrapped me up in his arms, his voice rumbling in he's chest as he tucked me up against him. I breathed in deeply, trying to steady myself, and the scent of him filled my senses, smoke still woven into the fabric of his shirt, intertwined with the clarity of flowers and new soap. I breathed him in, only half listening as he spoke, only feeling the comfort of his touch. "Enori, you'll get through this, I promise. There's no need to waste your tears tonight."

My tears? Had I been crying? I reached up to touch my cheek and pulled back wet fingers, and I hiccupped, the sudden realization of it shaking through my body. The air in my lungs was too stale, too sharp and it stung even as I exhaled, the tears and anxieties and worries pouring out of me now. This was the taste of smoke and burning, of lives ruined by one, hateful person.

The man who had set fire to their ship, killing those trapped within. The girl who had stolen our money, our hope for the days ahead. This was it now. This was our future, to be stuck and hungry and desperate. We were out of options.

Dawson shifted to rest his forehead against mine, his hands pressing into my shoulders with such support and care it sent a new wave of grief through me. He would be leaving soon as well. There was already another ship on its way to Pestas, and as soon as it got here, he would be gone from my life, forever. And I would remain here in the one place I truly knew and felt at home, left with only these few happy moments with Dawson that would one day be fading be the fading memories and one, treasured silver rock.

I was out of options.

His hands moved to cradle my face and I gasped a little, the motion so tender it made my whole body ache as I leaned into his touch. My fingers dug into the fabric of the front of his shirt, desperate to ground myself into this moment, to keep it forever in my mind, forever and ever and ever.

I wasn't out of options. Not yet.

"Dawson."

My voice felt raw, too wet and choked by tears to be of any use, but I spoke anyways, trying to keep my trembling, uneven words together long enough to give him my desperate plea.

"Dawson, I need you to marry me."

He pulled back, eyes wide, and I immediately ducked my head, shame blooming on my cheeks. Of all the stupid things to say, and that was what had spilled out of me. The moment, all precious touches and built of starlight was gone, shattered and scattered across the rooftop around us like thousands of shards of glass.

"What?"

His own voice was breathless, disbelieving as he stared down at me, his hands still holding me so gently. "Enori, you don't mean that." I could see it in his eyes. That spark of light before if faded. His lips settled into an unhappy curve.

I reached up and grabbed his hands from where they cradled my face, settling both mine and his in my lap. "Of course I do. You make the most sense, logically."

He was the safest choice. I knew nothing of the other men out there, only of their wickedness and the way they sought to hurt and break and burn and cut and—

No. He was my only choice. He had to choose me too. If Dawson did not say yes I…

The thought of it sent pangs through my heart, of a sudden realization that this man before did not see me in this way. Every manner of his posture was that of growing discomfort in this moment, and I tried to cling to what little composure I still possessed.

"I just mean… I don't have anyone else I can ask. But I trust you, Dawson."

"Oh."

I didn't dare to look up at him. I traced the lines of his palm instead, hoping to hide from how I already knew he would react, but I could hear it. The disappointment. The disgust. That was probably what he thought of me in this moment, that I would dare suggest such a thing to him.

His body seemed to loosen now, slump even, and I ducked my head lower, my attention caught wholly on the shape and every detail of his hands.

"Enori." He stopped, and I could hear him breathing, the faint mumble of words too soft to truly understand. Finally, he spoke again, his words soft, as if trying to convince me of them. "This isn't what you want. You've told me this so many times before. I know you, Enori. I know you wouldn't let yourself be shackled off to some stranger—"

"You're not a stranger!" I blurted, my head snapping up to peer at him. He stared back, some of the startled expression on his face shifting into something different. Something almost sorrowful.

"I mean, I just thought," I said, trying to start again. His fingers twitched as I spoke, but he did not move to get up or leave me. He stayed just as rooted as I was in this one, painful moment. "That if you marry me, there'll be enough money to feed the girls for a little while. At least until there can find a way to pick up jobs to support the house. I know it'll be a bit of an adjustment, that they won't be used to working outside the home, but I think they can do it if the havd to."

The words felt too slick on my tongue, falling aimlessly out as I rambled on. "And it'll be a little hard for Mam Dorce, because I've been helping her with the finances for as long as I can remember, but I think any of the other girls can step up to take my place. Even one of the littles could be taught how."

I stopped, my lungs burning from the weight of everything pressing into into chest, of the words I needed to say, of the desperation that clung to my every thought, that Dawson had to say yes. I slid my hand into his and held it tight, closing my eyes. "Besides, I trust you. And I know that you won't—" my breathing hitched, and I swallowed down the panic rising in me from jis silence. "I know you won't hurt me, or force me to do—" Another breath. "You're just… you're a good person, Dawson." I struggled against the fresh tears threatening to fall. "You're so good, and you deserve so much more than me but I'm all I can offer and… and I need you to say yes, Dawson."

"I…" I looked up, and his eyes were conflicted, pained almost. "I can't."

The words hit me like a knife to the stomach. I gasped, a small, sharp inhale as they dug in deeper, the words silver and sharp and cutting against my skin, words meant to hurt and pain.

But his eyes. Tears were pooling now in the corners of them, that desperately strong expression I knew him to wear completely gone, and instead he was here, rejecting me and crying because of it?

"You can't?" I echoed, hands trembling.

Dawson shook his head, looking away from me.

"What?" My voice pitched upwards and I stood, my shock and aching dismay shifting quickly into hot, stinging anger. "What do you mean you can't? Dawson, I need this. I don't have anyone else I can turn to!"

He stood as well, catching me by the elbow and stepping close. "But you don't want this." There was anger there too, barely veiled now as he stared down at me, his eyes shifting from that tenderness of only moments before to something hard and glittering with this frustration. "You don't want this but, you'll do anything to help your family even if it means giving your life away.. If I say yes to you now, Enori, one day you will wake up and hate me for marrying you. If you marry me now, you'll never be happy."

"Isn't that how this works?" I snapped back, trying to jerk my arm away from him,  but his grip held firm. I could feel his fingers pressed against my skin, a bothersome distraction from the roiling emotions inside of me. "I'm not expecting to be happy, Dawson!" I yanked my arm harder, spinning away from him and facing out to the city of North Port spilling out before us. "That's not something I've ever gotten to have before, and that's not something I expect to ever have now or in the future." I wheeled back, every tear and rising cry lashing out at once. "Dawson, I don't get to be happy!"

I glared at him, tears stinging my eyes and he stared back, before suddenly, suddenly—

He stepped close to me and pressed his lips against mine, and for one, dizzying moment, the world fell away. There was no anger, no fear, no thoughts, just desperation as his arms wrapped around me and pulled me in, the breathlessness as he kissed me, kissed me and I could feel every drop of emotion in this one, longing kiss.

Everything was warmth and the light of the sun, burning candlelight in this space in-between us, until there was no space in between us. I clung to the front of his shirt, suspended in this space of desire as he kissed me.

My lungs started to burn from lack of air.

He pulled away, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. His eyes were averted, refusing to look my way, but I could see the flush across his cheeks, even through the darkness of the night.

"I want you to be happy," Dawson murmured, his voice breathy and low, sending shivers up my spine. "I so, so desperately want happiness for you, Enori,  and you deserve all the happiness in the word. But you won't find it in me. Not right now. Not like this."

His hands splayed out on my back, and I found myself aching for him to kiss me again. Our noses brushed, his breath hot on my lips as I stared up at him.

Dawson stepped away, the action jarring and leaving all of my senses reeling. When he spoke his voice was hard once more. "I won't marry you, Enori. You'll have to find someone else to sell yourself to, because I won't be the one that you sacrifice your every ideal for."

He said nothing more as he walked to the edge of the roof to leave. He left me there, my skin still tingling from his touch, my insides flipping in confusion. My shaking legs could support me no longer, and I dropped, my hands scraping of the rough of the roof as they fumbled to support me.

I reached one hand up to my lips, mind replaying the moment again as I sat there, panting. He had kissed me, and it was everything the older girls had described and more.

But Dawson had said no. He refused to help in any way that mattered and instead took one kiss from me and decided that he would be just fine with walking away, leaving me with no other options.

And this time, it was real.

I was out of choices.

The other girls were crowded around in the hallway when I finally built up enough nerve to come downstairs. With one look at my tearstained face they all crowded around me, comforting words pouring out from them that went unheard.

I held that stupid, silver rock in my hand as I walked slowly down the hall, my feet dragging with every step, too numb inside to register anything happening around me as I moved. The girls fell away, faceless, nameless voices as I dropped into the comfort of my bed.

Hands drew up blankets around me, somone pulled the boots from my feet, and still I lay there, motionless, staring at the silver rock curled within my fingers.

He said it was from his home planet, and that he wanted me to keep it. To keep a little part of him with me always.

But Dawson obviously didn't care enough. He was just like any of those other freighters, just a man looking for someone to pass the time with while he was passing through. He was not in search of anything permanent. Melle was right when she told me not to depend on him.

At least the settler men who drifted through here could be counted on to want a wife. When the waves of these pioneer lines with their busted up shifts drifted through, girls always drifted out with them.

I had finally been ready to give myself up to what I had always known was coming for me. I was finally ready to offer myself a bride, with no fears holding me back this time, and he had turned me down. Dawson had said no.

His words swam in my mind, and I curled up on myself, trying to piece together the moment everything had gone wrong. Why hadn't he said yes? Was there something wrong with me? Was it because he knew how damaged I was, of all the broken fears and shards of sharp bitter memories? Was that why he had so cruelly turned away from me?

But that couldn't ne right. He had been so gentle with me before. He had told me things that seemed to pain him to release, but the lightness in his eyes afterwards, the way he had held me in moments when I had nowhere else to turn. Even tonight, up on the roof he had been the proof of gentleness and care, all up until that moment.

The other girls came into the room at some point, but they let me be. They did not speak, just shuffled about the space as they readied themselves for sleep once more.

I remained just as I was, caught up in every painful thought, until the light of the breaking dawn crested through the windowpane and spilled out over the floor, thick swathes of it cutting across the room. I turned my face to the sun and breathed in its light, its warmth, its comfort.

There, in the touch of day, i finally relinquished myself to sleep.