Heart hammering, into the thick grey mist I ran,

After a shadow, a trail of a scent, unable to rest.

I spent a lifetime chasing hope yet finding none,

Where my heart used to be is now a hole in my chest.

--- J., 2017

Blink. Blink.

Yingyue focused her attention on the car's navigation system where a small dot marked their position. With every inch it moved, the more the phantom hands squeezing her throat eased its grip.

She was finally going home.

Away from the hospital where every day, she was tempted to saw off pieces of herself so they could scurry back to safety. If she had to spend another moment trying to stay still while strangers poked and prodded at her body, she would have pulled the needle out of her wrist and stabbed herself. She held back by thinking about the consequences of crossing that tenuous line between sanity and insanity. She'd already heard concerned relatives whispering about putting her in a facility. There was no way she'd let it go that far.

No way!

Her knuckles dug into her lap as she balled her hands into fists.

Just a little bit more.

She thought about her bed with its lavender sheets, memory foam mattress, and fluffy pillows. The tiny potted succulents along her windowsill greeting her every morning. Her huge bathtub and bath bomb collection. The pile of trashy romance books on the floor by her bed waiting to be read. A smile began to form at her lips, but remembering her companion, she quickly straightened her face.

"Everything all right?" The aforementioned companion took his eyes off the road and cast her a questioning glance.

She froze, then mumbled. "Yes, yes, everything's fine."

It was so strange having Kang Jihoon next to her. Even though they'd spent the past few days together, she still found this whole situation impossible to believe. It was as if some god took pity on her and let her dream him into existence. How else could he be exactly what she needed at this moment? Just this morning, before he wheeled her out of the room, he covered her eyes with an eye mask and stuffed her ears with earplugs. That way, she didn't even notice the teeming mass of people that were surely crawling around the hospital. If she was alone, would she have thought of that?

No.

If she was alone, she wouldn't even have made it to the hospital. She sobered at the thought. True, there were many times when she flirted with the idea of death, but she never followed through. There were still so many things she wanted to do. She wanted to live.

"Don't worry," he said in his deep voice. "We'll be home in a few minutes."

We. Home.

The words flashed in her mind in red, bold, capital letters. The nonexistent hair on her arms stood on end.

It was one thing to have him at the hospital from time to time, especially when the nurses were doing their rounds. At the end of the day, he went home and she had time alone to recover from all the emotions he stirred within her. But to spend the whole day -- no, a whole week -- with him? Why did she agree to that?

You know why.

From the corner of her eyes, she examined his profile, taking stock of his artfully-styled hair, tall nose bridge, and sharp jawline. Her throat dried up. God, he was so much her type. A tiny creature in her head rubbed its palms together and whispered, Because you're in lust with him.

Shut up.

Yingyue lassoed the creature and flung it into the depths of oblivion.

Having dealt with that unsolicited opinion, she once again forced her eyes as far left as they could go until he was in her line of vision. Was that a mole next to his ear? In the past few days, she had distracted herself by taking stock of the tiny brown dots on his face, tracing imaginary lines among them until she ended up with constellations. Suddenly, she had a burning desire to know if stars dotted his body, too.

"Yingyue, why don't you just turn your head?"

She jumped in her seat, very much aware of the heat suffusing her skin. "Wh-- what?"

"I said why don't you just turn your head and look at me? For the sake of your eyes."

"Ha? No!" She strained against her seatbelt to face Jihoon. "I wasn't looking at you."

"You weren't?" His tone made it clear he wasn't convinced.

"No! I..." She flailed around her head and grabbed the first excuse she could find. "I was trying to sleep."

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow, checking the traffic ahead. "I never knew you slept with your eyes open."

Her mind was once again on red alert. This time, she speared him with a glare and launched an offense, hoping to stun him into silence. "Well, it's not like we've slept together. You don't know my sleeping habits."

"True."

She got ready to celebrate.

But then he added, "Maybe we can remedy that this week."

The car drew to a halt at a stop light, but her thoughts raced ahead.

What did he mean?

Was he implying what she thought he was implying?

Was she going to get a chance to reenact her dreams?

What the heck was she even thinking?

You nasty pervert. The creature was back.

She shook it off her head. "What do you mean we can remedy that this week?"

"You know..." At last, Jihoon cocked his head towards her. His face was hewn from granite, his eyes embers of coal.

Seeing his unaffected expression, doubts started creeping up her mind. It was probably an innocent remark. She was merely projecting her own desires on him. After all, even though Jihoon had been a dedicated caregiver at the hospital, making sure she had everything she needed, he had also been the perfect gentleman. He'd shown nothing but friendly concern and never ventured into impersonal discussions. It had both relieved and frustrated her.

She scanned his face for clues, but finding none, she replied, "No, I don't know."

"Well..." Jihoon swept his gaze over her body, leaving fire in its wake.

Her heart stuttered into silence then made itself scarce. He was definitely giving her bedroom eyes. Her first instinct was to cover herself, but she resisted the urge. Instead, she held still, a mixture of confusion and anticipation. When Jihoon circled back to her face, she was ready to self-combust or simply die from lack of air.

Jihoon, the naughty man, attacked her with a mischievous grin. "Relax. I was kidding!"

"That was a joke?" Her question came out breathy, strangled even.

"I mean after you cast me such a juicy bait, I couldn't resist biting." He had the audacity to chuckle. "Sorry, weird sense of humor."

Mumbling an agreement, she turned towards the window, not wanting him to see her pout. It was true. She did try to bait him, wanting to reel him in then cast him away once she'd won their battle of words. Except, it was he who got her.

He definitely got her.

☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾

A red dot of light flickered amidst the starless sky. Jihoon followed its path while taking sips of his beer. It inched along at a snail's pace for which he was grateful. The longer he had something to occupy him, the more he could delay being alone with his thoughts. Eventually, though, just as he tipped the last drops of his drink into his mouth, the night swallowed the light.

He sat in darkness and looked for something else to do. Maybe he could check his email and finish more work? He should. He really should. He willed himself to get up and grab his laptop, but not even his pinky toe moved.

Sinking back into the seat cushion, he sighed. Maybe later, then.

Instead, he attuned himself to his surroundings. At this hour, nothing else stirred. Even Yingyue had long gone to bed. He should be sleeping too. Fatigue sat on his shoulders like a constant friend. Yet despite the alcohol dulling his senses, he continued to fight the urge to lay down and rest. Planting his slippered feet on the floor, Jihoon got up and accidentally knocked down one of the empty cans next to his chair. It clattered and rolled. Cursing, Jihoon chased after it. After returning it to the pile, he opened the glass door leading to the garden and let the frigid air jolt him awake.

That was better.

Pressing his eyes shut, he stood in silence letting the cold nip at his skin. There was something wonderful about facing the elements head-on. After the initial shock, there's pain. Then, the body adjusts until even pain diminishes into numbness. He would give anything to make this his constant state.

That sounded so emo, didn't it? He blamed it on the beer. It made him maudlin.

Chuckling under his breath, Jihoon turned to go back.

"Do you like torturing yourself?"

The question, spoken out of nowhere, caused him to stagger back. His suddenly unsteady legs tangled themselves. With a yelp, Jihoon grasped at the air then landed on his butt.

He groaned.

"Oh god! Are you okay?" A small figure distinguished itself from the shadows and pressed against the glass door. Harsh light illuminated her face.

"Yingyue!" Jihoon clasped a hand against his chest wondering why he didn't hear her approach. "I thought you were asleep."

She chuckled and aimed the beam from her phone his way. "I was, but I woke up and was thirsty. What are you doing out there in the cold?"

Jihoon pushed himself up, squinting. "Just... you know." He shrugged. "Trying to make myself feel at home, I guess."

"At past three in the morning?" She moved away from the door, rubbing her arms as she did so. "Why don't you come in? You'll catch a cold if you stay out there dressed like that."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Avoiding her gaze, he followed her inside, closing the door behind him. At the same time, he wondered if she bought his explanation. As much as he could, he avoided talking about his sleep problems.

Thankfully, Yingyue made her way to the kitchen slash dining area that was right next to the open plan living room and flicked on the light. "I'll boil some water. Would you like some tea?"

"Ah--" He grabbed the cans from the floor and stealthily dumped them into the trash bin when she was taking out mugs from a drawer "--yeah, sure. Tea would be great."

When she reached for the electric kettle, he rushed to grab it before she did.

"Let me. The doctor said you can't lift anything heavy while you're recovering."

She responded with a tiny squeak.

Jihoon only then realized that in his hurry, he had squashed her against the counter. The lower half of his body pressing against hers. Biting back a curse at his idiocy, he stepped away. "I'm so sorry! I hurt you, didn't I?"

For a moment, Yingyue simply braised her palms against the counter, drawing in a long breath. Jihoon mentally smacked himself for being a bumbling idiot. In an effort to help her, he only caused her more harm.

"Yingyue, I'm so sorry I--"

"--No, please." She turned to face him, a reassuring smile on her face. "You didn't hurt me. It's okay?"

"Are you sure? I hit your wound, didn't I?"

She shook her head. Her face was flushed. "No, no. I'm okay don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

Now, she rolled her eyes. "A hundred percent. Now, please boil some water and I'll prepare the tea."

Still keeping an eye on her, Jihoon filled the kettle and set it to boil. Once done, he leaned back against the counter and watched as Yingyue scooped chrysanthemum tea into a strainer and placed it on one of the mugs. She was dressed in a pink fleece ensemble. Her hair, in short, tangled waves above her shoulders. Unlike when she was at the hospital, her face had some color now. That was always a good sign.

"What woke you up?" he asked to fill in the silence. "Was I too noisy?"

"No, you weren't." She folded her arms against her chest.

His eyes were drawn to the area and not for the first time, he noticed her bosom was quite---uh---shapely. At once, he snapped his gaze back to her face. She was looking at the kettle.

Whew.

"I woke up because my wound hurt. Then, I realized I was thirsty, so..."

He cleared his throat. "I see. You should have sent me a text message or something. Then, you wouldn't have to go down the stairs."

"Again, at three in the morning?" Now, she was looking at him, too. A faint smile lifted a corner of lips.

"Well, that's what I'm here for." Jihoon grinned. "Gotta earn my keep."

Yingyue's smile grew wider. "Nah, you've done enough. Besides, the doctor said a little exercise is good for my recovery."

"True. Emphasis on 'a little,' though. Next time, feel free to ask me to do anything. I'm all yours."

"Are you?" She bit her lip and tilted her head to the side.

Jihoon thought she had such pretty lips--- small with a heart-shaped bow. "For the week, I am."

"Hmm... Ok, then."

Jihoon's eyes locked with hers. Then, he realized he couldn't look away because there was something in their depths. Some undefinable emotion. A message. Something in some obscure place within him stirred.

Strange.

Fatigue and alcohol were messing with his mind.

A beeping sound signaled that the water was ready. Finally breaking the eye contact, Jihoon poured water into the first mug, then the second. Yingyue took care of infusing the tea into the liquid. When that was done, she discarded the flowers and rinsed the strainer.

"I'll drink this in my room," she said, lifting one of the mugs by the handle.

He took it from her and grabbed the one on the counter as well. "I'll bring it up. Shall we?"

For a moment, it looked like she was going to say something, but she let it go, walking ahead of him, instead. When they reached the stairs, he stood behind her just in case she needed his help. With the banister's support, Yingyue made her slow ascent. When they stopped in front of her room, he noticed sweat dotting her forehead.

"Give me the mug," she said.

Jihoon angled his head towards the entrance. "I'll bring it inside."

"You don't have to. Come on, it's not that heavy." She huffed.

What was she so stubborn for? Jihoon shook his head. "Just open the door."

"Ugh. Fine." She turned the knob and let him pass through first.

Jihoon strode in, resting her tea on the bedside table. The room was bathed in a golden glow from her lamp.

"Thank you," she whispered next to him. "But really, I'm not an invalid, you know?"

"I know. But like I said--" he did a quick scan of her room "--I'm here to help."

Yingyue's bedroom was very neat and had lots of feminine touches. He particularly liked the four-poster bed with its soft lilac sheets and billowy white canopy. There was also a collection of cute stuffed toys on her bed. It was so unlike his sister's, whose room often looked like the aftermath of a hurricane. It was different from Leila's, too, who had never bothered to settle in her apartment because she traveled often and stayed with him whenever she was in town.

Leila again. It's been years, but why did his thoughts still often drift towards her?

Thankfully, Yingyue started speaking. "I still don't understand why you're doing this, but thank you again for your help."

"No need to be so polite. You needed help and I had time, so why not?"

"You had to take a break from work."

He blew on his tea and took a sip. "I needed a break anyway."

She sat on her bed and reached for her mug. "And staying here is your idea of a vacation?"

"Hey, you have a beautiful house and you're great company. Sounds like an awesome vacation to me."

Yingyue tilted her head up at him. Her eyes narrowed. "You always know the right things to say, you know that?"

"It's a talent." He winked.

She made a little sound, before quickly gulping her tea.

He sat next to her and patted her back. "Careful! Ah, now you've scalded your tongue."

"I'm fine." She simultaneously winced and fanned her mouth. "Totally fine."

"Sure?"

"Yes!" She got up, putting away her offending drink.

Maybe he should get her some cold water, but right now, she was glaring at him as if he was the one who burned her. On second thought, maybe it was best if he let her be. "If you say so..."

"I do say so. Anyway, it's time for bed."

"Right." The clock on her wall showed it was already a quarter to four. "I shouldn't have kept you up for so long. You need to rest."

"Yeah, sure." She nodded with more enthusiasm than the situation called for. "Rest. That's what I need."

Jihoon watched with repressed amusement. She really was a strange lady. "Well then, good night. And if you need anything..."

"I'll let you know," she finished, waving her hand towards the exit.

Wow, she was really eager to get rid of him. Jihoon wondered if he had scared her? Maybe he shouldn't have winked. She could have misinterpreted it and thought he was a creep. And then, there was that joke he made in the car.

Oh god. He wanted to hit his face with his palm.

"Um yeah." He raised his mug as if in a toast, then quickly lowered it halfway, sloshing some warm liquid on his hand. "Ah, I'll leave you be, then."

"Great."

Great?

He felt slightly offended, but then again, this was his fault. Without saying anything else, he walked towards the hallway. As soon as he was out, she banged the door shut. Jihoon stood there for a moment, staring at the white slab of wood. While he tried to process what happened, a yawn escaped his lips.

His body was shutting down.

Tomorrow. He'd think about it tomorrow.

☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾

A/N: This took so long. I know. :( It's a long chapter, though, so I hope that makes up for it. Also, I just want to take the time to thank you all for your support. March and April have been difficult for me, but I made it thanks to all your kind words.

Hope you enjoy this chapter! If you do, please don't forget to vote and let me know what you think. :)