| CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
| we're getting pizza

ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀʀɪʟʟᴏ

I'd made the biggest mistake today.

This night, we'd be staying at a hotel again, and as always, I got a king bed for my solo room, and I had the first good night's sleep in weeks and was kind of looking up to performing again. I knew that this was usually only a fluke though, a little laser pointer in the darkness, and I was like a cat chasing it.

But just like the cats kept overlooking, was that the little dot of light would turn off at some point, leaving nothing left to chase but darkness.

I had somehow dragged myself out of bed, into the bathroom, and I'd taken a proper shower. When I first walked into the bathroom, I was very careful to not catch even a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My head was held down the entire time.

It wasn't until after my shower, when I thought the mirror would be foggy enough to blur my reflection, that I saw myself again.

The mirror was giant, and from its distance from the shower door, it showed my entire body from my knees up.

I knew watching myself could only make me feel worse, but something forced me to look, and to keep looking until I'd picked myself apart piece by piece.

Parts of my face had puffed up where others had sunken in. My hair had lost its shine and the curls were strung together like a bird's nest, even after doing everything in my power to get the knots out under the stream of hot water. Every time I lifted my arm even slightly, my body looked like I'd been ill for months, living off a hospital's liquid menu.

I took a towel and loosely tied it around my waist, and then I used another one to put over my shoulders before getting up close to the mirror.

I forced on a smile, but it fell immediately as my right cheek pulled itself into a faint dimple.

"Fuck," I said out loud. I closed my eyes and blew some air out my nose slowly before opening them again. This time I tilted my head to the side, and I forced on her another smile, the dimple now not showing as much as it did before. And although this didn't fix the stringy mess atop my head, or the stick figure I called a body, or even the asymmetry in my face this dimple created, it was a way to hide it, and it was all I could do for now.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to introduce some more liveliness in them, but nothing could make me feel more real, or at least look the part.

There were multiple reasons I was still here, trying to get my life together. The first and foremost reason was simply that I didn't want to be yet another disappointment. Canceling my tour would mean disappointing my fans, troubling the crew, worrying my family, angering my management. It would never end. The second reason why I was still trying was that this was everything I'd worked for my entire life. And unlike so many others, I got to make my dream reality. I should be grateful for this opportunity. I should be happy doing this.

Why aren't I?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, only slowly releasing it after holding it in for a few seconds.

I got dressed as quickly as I could and lied down in bed only a second later, not wasting any more of either my time or my sanity in the mirror. I decided I needed a good night's rest before the show tomorrow, both physically and mentally. So I closed my eyes and let myself fall into a deep slumber.

***

Danny woke me up by banging on the door, asking me whether I would be performing today. I didn't say anything. Again. Like every single day this past week. I'd somehow regained the energy to take a shower last night, and even attempted washing my hair, but somehow there was nothing that could get me out of there anymore.

"Oakley," he said. Only a few seconds later the door to the room opened.

"How did you even get in?" I asked. I turned my back toward him and kept my eyes closed. A sharp pain emerged right above my eye, underneath my eyebrow, the moment he talked.

"They gave me the keys. I told them there was a mix-up and we were supposed to share the room," he said. The curtains were still closed when he came in, but now light entered the room, worsening the headache that had already started settling in. I covered myself in the blankets, trying to block some of the sunlight out.

"Are you good?"

I was silent, because I knew even just a single word would make it worse.

Danny sat down on the bed, right next to where I was curled up in a ball.

"I'm canceling the tour," he said.

"Yeah?" I asked, my voice hoarse from the long night's sleep. After my talk with Nolan yesterday, I really thought I could finish this week off neatly. I would cancel all of it. I really would, but I wanted to give everyone a fair chance to prepare.

"Yeah," he said.

"No, I'm fine," I said, pushing the blankets off my face. "I can go today. Just let me sleep in for a little longer."

"No," he said. "It's 2 PM. You've had enough sleep."

"I barely closed an eye last night," I lied. I couldn't let people cross state borders only for me to cancel the same day. I couldn't leave my crew abruptly unemployed for an indefinite amount of time. This wasn't just about me.

"Bullshit. I checked in on you yesterday at 11 and you slept as a baby. You're not performing today. Not this month. Maybe not even this year."

"People depend on me," I said, dragging myself from the bed, but Danny held onto my arm.

"No," he said. "We can fix it. Your mom can help with the legal shit and I'll take care of the announcement and all that. Don't worry about it."

"No," I said. "You don't get it, I can't—"

"Yes, you can. Just shut the fuck up for once, Oakley. Let me help you."

"I'm not some weak kid who needs things handed to him on a silver platter, Danny. I can handle this. It's one of the easiest jobs out there. If I can't even do this, then..."

I wasn't sure how I foresaw that sentence ending. Then what? I'm a pathetic human being incapable of anything? What would I be doing if I didn't have music? No way this attitude could've gotten me far in aerospace engineering.

"If you want to prove that you're the one in control, cancel the tour yourself," he said, handing me his phone which was already logged onto my socials.

I looked at him, and he looked at me, almost challengingly so.

"Okay," I said. I took the phone and typed a quick message.

Dear fans,
Due to personal reasons, I have decided to cancel the remainder of the tour. More information will follow. I'm sorry.
Love,
Oakley

It was brief, but it got the job done and left open enough opportunity for clarification whenever I came up with a worthy excuse.

"See? I knew you could do it," Danny said with a proud smile. "You get to go home now."

He was right. I got to go home now. I let out a deep breath, releasing all of this tension that had been building up in me over the last couple of weeks. But I knew that it wasn't over yet. I was gonna have to face the guilt, the scrutiny and the consequences soon, but for now, I just wanted to forget about all that.

"Danny, can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, of course," he said.

I gave him my phone. "Can you take care of this? You can give it to me if it's Nolan, Gen, or my family."

He nodded. "Alright. I'll take care of it."

I lied back down in the bed. The ceiling here was a boring white, with a few led lights above the headboard, which were now only refracting the light that came in from the window, creating an interesting pattern of colors on the wall.

"So what are you gonna do now?"

"I don't know." I didn't want to leave this bed. My head was hurting and spinning, and I had no energy.

"Have you had breakfast yet? The buffet is closed by now, but I could call up room service to get you something."

"No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna go take a nap."

"You slept for at least fifteen hours and just woke up, Oakley."

"Yeah, but I'm still tired." I already closed my eyes, waiting for him to leave, but the moment didn't come as soon as I'd expected it to.

"Nah, we're gonna go get some pizza," he said, shaking my shoulder to wake me up, but it was only worsening my migraine.

"Go away. I'm tired," I said, closing my eyes again.

"We're getting pizza," he repeated.

"Just order it like a normal person."

"Alright," he said, finally leaving the room. The joy didn't last very long, though. Because before I could fall asleep, he was back, followed by an extra pair of feet by the sound of it.

"What's wrong with him?" Kaia asked.

"I made him cancel the tour," Danny said.

"You got him to do it?" she asked, though she didn't sound shocked. "Just so you know, we were about to do it for you either way. But I'm glad we managed to get your consent."

"Can you guys leave? I have a terrible migraine and I'd love to just sleep it off."

"We are getting pizza," Danny repeated once again, this time emphasizing every single word to make sure I'd heard. Before I could react, the covers were pulled off the bed.

"He could've been naked," Kaia said, punching Danny in his arm. I wanted to do the same.

"Fine, I'll get pizza with you guys. But I'm not changing out of my pajamas."

"Fine, whatever. Let's go."

"I'm gonna go get Holly, and Maurice if he wants to."

"Hurry up before he changes his mind," Danny called after her.

•••

I changed my mind multiple times on our drive to the pizza place, but I sucked it up and kept quiet, silently eating the pepperoni off my pizza as Holly told a story about some boy that recognized her after she put out her first song. I zoned in and out of the conversation, only picking up on bits and pieces.

"What was it like for you?" she asked.

It took a while to register the silence that came, and it took even longer to realize it was silent because the question was meant for me.

"What?"

"The first time you got recognized. What was it like?"

"It was just some kid from school. Before it all blew up. He was like a grade above me."

"Must've been weird."

"Yeah."

The conversation continued, and I was ready to go home already.

"Oakley," Danny said, tapping my arm. "Wanna take this?" He gave me my phone, and I was somewhat surprised the first person to call me wasn't either one of my parents or my sister. It was actually Nolan, which shouldn't be surprising either, but it was to me. Because why would he care enough to call when he had other things to worry about, like his mom taking his phone away? But he was the last person I'd talked to about canceling that tour, so it wasn't shocking he called me either.

I left the table without a word, hiding away in the bathroom.

"You got your phone back?" I asked upon picking up.

"Sort of," he said. "My day ended early, so here I am."

"Well, hi, I guess."

"Hi," he said, a laugh escaping his lips. I could paint a vivid picture of his smile on my head. Slightly lopsided, showing one row of white, straight teeth, the smile reaching all the way to his eyes.

"Well, how have you been?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"I canceled the tour," I said. I knew that he knew, so there was no point in talking around it. "I haven't been doing too well, but I think might get a little better once I get home."

"That's good," he said. "T- that you think it'll get better, I mean, of course."

I laughed a little. "I know what you mean."

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Stop apologizing. You're fine."

"You're right. I should stop doing that. It's a bad habit."

"I can't wait to go home," I admitted to him. "But I also don't think I'll feel that much better once I do."

"Why is that?"

"What's gonna change when I get home? I'll still be in bed all day, except it won't be in a crammed bus anymore."

Maybe it was a stupid thought, but I felt like I had already done all I had to in life. I'd made money doing the thing I loved the most. I'd traveled most of the world. What else was left for me to do? Hadn't I seen enough?

"You're thinking too far ahead," he said. "Life is gonna look very bleak if you keep thinking like that."

"It's already bleak. That's just the world. At the end of the day, everything is pointless. We all die."

"Yeah, but I'm not gonna wait until death comes for me. I'm gonna do exactly whatever the fuck I want for as long as I can. Like, yes, we've been on one date, but we've never been on a second one, or a third one, or..."

We both laughed, as though we'd synched up over the phone. But I understood what he meant. I'd never fallen in love, but maybe if I stick around long enough, I could.

"I get it," I said. "I would love to go on a second date with you." It was the first time I smiled genuinely in a few days, and my muscles made me awfully aware of it.

"So where are you taking me?" he asked, subtly reminding me that it was my turn. I did kind of trick him into taking me on the first one, so it would only be fair.

"I don't know yet," I admitted. "But I can't wait." I bit my lip, trying to ease the strain in my facial muscles a little.

The door opened and a man walked in, scowling at me as he picked the urinal the furthest from where I was standing.

"I gotta go," I said. The man must've been a sign. "Call me back later? Or maybe I'll call you. You know what? I'll call you."

"I'll be right here," he said. "Oh and by the way, you're allowed to be a little selfish sometimes."

The familiar feeling in my chest that I usually got when we were together was there, even when we were on almost opposite sides of the country.

"Thank you."

"I'll talk to you later, then."

"Bye." The smile wasn't fading anytime soon. The man had just finished his business and left.

"Bye."

I hung up, staring at my phone for a few more seconds before leaving, sitting back down at the table.

I handed my phone back to Danny, who smiled at me, making me remember that the damn smile was still on my own face too. It was weird having returned to the table now that my entire mood had changed, but the change of energy was nice. It was less tense, and I felt like I could breathe again, even if it only changed a little.

"What happened?" Holly asked.

"Nothing. Just a good conversation," I said, taking a slice of my now cold pizza.

"So I asked her her name..." Kaia continued with a story I'd apparently missed.

Going home couldn't come soon enough anymore.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hi dear three readers! How have your holidays been? Did anything remarkable happen?

I was stuck in the bathroom when 2023 started because the toilet wouldn't flush :) where were y'all?