to kai huening, the one with whom i need to clear the tension...
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I bet you never expected to receive this letter from me. I'm writing this to make one thing clear, Kai, and it's that no, I don't hate you for liking me. I could never hate you. I don't know if you still have feelings for me, so this may hurt, but honestly, I saw you as a cute little brother.

But at the same time, I know I shouldn't have started avoiding you at all when I heard about it. Would it have made any difference? If I didn't know, I would have hung out with you sometimes anyway, and knowing just...I'm sorry, is all. That was a horrible thing to do and you didn't deserve that, especially when we were just becoming close.

I'm sure you've guessed this, but the reason I know about it is because someone couldn't keep their mouth shut. I learned of it when I was away camping with my fellow Girl Scouts. It's not as if I particularly like most of them, but I like the challenges presented to me and you may have figured out that I like avoiding things that make me uneasy, which was exactly what I was doing by joining the Girl Scouts.

It was on the first night, when we were inside our tents and just nodding off to sleep. A girl suddenly whispered to me, "hey, do you know Kai Huening?"

"Who, Lea's brother?" I asked. I'm not particularly close with your sister, but she's so sweet and nice that it's impossible not to like her, just like you. "Yeah, why?"

"I heard that he likes you," she said.

"Stop feeding me crap all the time," I said, rolling my eyes. She'd already told me a lot of things, untrue things, and I wasn't ready to hear another. "He's only in middle school. I'm three years older than him."

"Since when has age difference stopped people from having feelings?" she challenged, and I had to admit she had a point. Still, I found myself in disbelief. You and I had hung out a few times at that point and I found no reason for you to like me.

According to the girl, the first time had a proper conversation was when you first liked me a little bit. Previously, you had seen me around the area since both the middle and high schools were in the same vicinity, and often with your sister as we walked together. I remember meeting you a few times, actually, because Lea had to pick up both you and your younger sister Bahiyyih by order of your parents to go home together.

Perhaps I was a fool for not noticing, since I already did have experience identifying when a guy was interested in me, but you were young. I didn't seriously expect you to like me, which sounds very hurtful now that I say it.

Another thing to apologize for.

I do, in fact, remember that day when we had our first proper conversation. It was a day when Lea was out sick, so I took the normal route which led past your school. There I was, minding my own business, just heading for home, overthinking I did as per usual, when I heard shouts and laughter—and someone crying.

Certainly, I was curious, and the crying concerned me. I rounded the corner and pushed through the side gate, feeling too aware that any adult could come up and ask me what I was doing inside a middle school, but that feeling of fear was overpowered by my curiosity, concern, and of course the anger I felt when I saw the scene in front of me.

Two boys physically attacking you. I'm not sure why people still feel the need to resort to such measures when they can just leave well alone and mind their own business. I stood there, listening, and from what I gathered, I realized they were your regular school bullies, harassing you for being of mixed race.

They were calling you names and you were trying to duck away and run, but it was difficult when they were faster and more agile. I had to step in, so I marched right up, pulled you away by the arm and pushed you behind me. The boys were definitely taller than me, since I've always been short for my age. But they saw an older girl and a figure of authority in that moment and that's what scares a lot of people—authority figures.

When I'm angry, I can be very commanding and even scary. Anyone can tell you that normally I'm easily amused, I talk a lot, and I'm not much of a threat, unless you mess with me. Then you have to watch your step around me, because when I'm angry, I'm not at all forgiving or nice. In fact, I can say I'm downright mean. You're lucky if you haven't seen that side of me.

And right then, I was absolutely furious. I wonder what I must have looked like—a short girl facing off two boys nearly a foot taller than her, standing protectively in front of a boy just a bit shorter than that, and practically radiating anger.

"What is going on here?" I demanded. It was a very obvious question, but it did the trick. They shuffled uncomfortably, unable to answer my question without implicating themselves. That, I believe, is the purpose of such questions with such obvious answers—to make the guilty ones even guiltier.

"Nothing," said one of the boys, and I scoffed.

"It didn't look like nothing when you were beating up this kid," I said scornfully. "Let me get this straight, you two: mess with this kid again, and you'll have me and his sisters and parents to answer to. Got that?"

They nodded quickly, and I led you away from them as fast as I could. When we were out on the street, I checked your wounds and we were both quite relieved to find just a couple of bruises, nothing too bad, nothing some ice couldn't fix.

I decided to walk you home, and I told you very firmly that you should tell your parents the truth. It was better than lying to them, and I knew too much about lying. You were nervous and hesitant, but I asked, "what do you have to lose? A bit of freedom? If you ask me, that sounds like a better idea than getting beat up by them again."

"But you scared them off," you said uncertainly.

I shook my head. "Not for long," I said. "They may lay off you for a few days, maybe a few weeks if you're lucky, but people like that just keep coming back for more. Think of Henry Bowers from IT, but less insane and sadistic. It's better to lose a bit of freedom than, say, a couple of teeth next time."

You thought it over for a few seconds, then agreed to it. I smiled and patted your shoulder, and said, "be careful, Kai. Someone may not always be around to save you."

"I will," you said, returning my smile. I may be imagining it, but I think there was a hint of adoration in your expression. "I promise."

I walked you home, and we talked the whole way. First about how difficult it was not to fit in, something we both knew almost too acutely, and then about the differences in our family. Like how I had no siblings and you had two.

"It's really lonely sometimes," I remember saying. "It'd be nice to have a sibling or two running around."

"You'd probably regret it within the first two years," you said with a straight face. "Siblings are not that fun to have around."

I squinted at you. "You're joking," I decided. "I can see in your face how much you love Lea and Bahiyyih."

That was when you laughed and admitted, "yeah, I do. Noona and Bahiyyih can be a bit of a handful sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They're my lifeline."

I nodded, smiling again at this soft display of emotion. I knew you three had been raised to always value and love each other. It was uncommon to see siblings who were as attached to each other as you three were. Of course, as you proved, you had your differences—you were siblings, after all.

But it was still a bond I envied.

When you reached home, your mother made a huge fuss over you, but was relieved that you were safe nonetheless. She thanked me and I went on my way, thinking over what I'd told you about lying.

I feel safer telling you this, now that it's all over and has been for what, three years now? But truth is, I felt guilty about it, because, as you know, I had been dating Choi Yeonjun for two years or so, and then all of a sudden, I moved onto Choi Soobin. I'm sure it looked odd to everyone else, and perhaps they even suspected, rightly, that I was using my own best friend as a rebound.

I hope you don't hate me for it, as horrible as it sounds. But what I was thinking was: well, I'm setting a good example, but am I really acting on that?

We saw each other many times after that, and according to the girl (and you, later on), you liked me even more each time. But the whole time, my heart was with someone else. And of course, after a bit of time, there was the matter of age difference—simply put, I was of age and you were not. You were a minor, and I was not, and even if you confessing to me worked out, our relationship would have been wrong.

I knew what she was saying was true, because it certainly explained how I was the only person of my age you were close with, and it explained the way you seemed so shy every time you complimented me—telling me I was pretty, for example, then blushing a bit. You weren't like that with others.

So what I'm saying is—I'm sorry I turned a blind eye purely for the reason that you were younger than me. It was a hurtful thing to do and as I lay in my sleeping bag that night, thoroughly wide awake, I knew it, but that doesn't mean that as soon as I returned to school, what I did was right.

I still wince at the memories of you patiently waiting outside your school gates for me and Lea, and me just waving at you and walking past without actually looking at you properly. A couple of times, you ran after me, but our conversations were limited and weird, so you got the message and backed off.

Days passed by, three months, actually, and it was close to my own graduation. It made me acutely aware of how badly my high school was going, and had gone.

Lea wasn't speaking to me, probably because she realized I was ignoring you, so it might have been revenge. A taste of my own medicine, as one might say.

Three weeks before it, you chased after me again, and you asked me, "are you ignoring me, noona?"

A few weeks before I went on camp, I had finally gotten you to call me 'noona' instead of any other too-formal honorifics for our friendship. I wouldn't call you my best friend, but even when I was ignoring you, I still thought of you as a little brother. The realization that I was that fond of you spurred me to urge you to call me noona.

I stared down at my feet when you confronted me so suddenly, struck by hurt you sounded. I hated that I was hurting yet another person, all because I was such a coward.

"Is it because you know I have feelings for you?" at your bold question, I looked up at you. And you knew it in the widening of my eyes; my shocked expression. "I knew it. Did you figure it out because of the rumors?"

I nodded numbly, too scared to tell you that I had heard it from someone I later discovered to have been spreading the rumors. I asked you since when, and you as good as confirmed everything the girl said.

"You're not going to be my friend anymore?" you asked me, and it hurt to see the openness of your fears. I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I wasn't exactly the most comfortable with your feelings for me.

So I shook my head and told you, no, we're still going to be friends.

And then, just like that, I walked out of your life, just as two others had out of mine. I knew I was hurting you by so blatantly ignoring you, but I was such a coward that I couldn't face you by the time I realized I might as well as have just slapped you in the face and told you that you were worthless. Which you aren't.

You're amazing and brave and smart and all the great things you always say aren't true about yourself. You're a far better person than I am, Kai Kamal Huening. I hope you forgive me one day.

— kim nari, your third sister.

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WORD COUNT: 2260

A/N: nobody said this was going to be all fluff :)