Anthony, Thu Jan 15th 2015

Today was another of these long days. I didn't have nightmares last night and managed to score five hours of sleep, but this doesn't make up for all the exhaustion I have accumulated. My brain is more sluggish than ever, which is fine when you have to teach basic facts about vectors to tenth-graders, less fine when you try to move forward in your research. I have been stuck in the same place for the last month, it is very frustrating; the ideas I tested yesterday proved to be complete crap, once again. At least the aikido training went well, leaving me tired, but relaxed. I was then able to enjoy a quiet evening at home. Sadly I woke up at 4am, and as usual, didn't manage to fall back asleep.

My day at high school went without incident. Luke Wells sent me a note telling me his brother could meet with me tomorrow. I hope I manage to catch some sleep tonight to be in better shape than today for this, but I have learnt not to get my hopes up. In any case, I should be able to handle a meeting like this even if I am tired.

Anyway tonight should be fun since the guys want to grab some drinks. Your already know of Paul. Kyle, his boyfriend will be there as well. They met six months ago at their workplace at Google. From what I understood, Kyle is some kind of programmer. He is such a cutie with his baby face, his curly blond hair and his brown eyes! He is a bit shorter than me at 5 feet 7 inches and he is so shy! I swear he is blushing every time I see him.

That is such a contrast to Paul, with his 6-feet 2-inch height, his broad and muscular chest, his brown hair and green eyes. Don't say I'm drooling, because nothing ever happened between me and him. It would almost be incestuous! Besides he is way too bulky for me. Don't get me wrong, I love brawny men with all the muscles in the right place, but Paul has perhaps just a bit too much for my taste.

As I said before we met in our first year of university. Our rooms were next to each other, with a very thin wall, so the first time we came face to face was when I kindly asked him to keep the volume down after a night he spent having wild sex with some random guy. Between the noise of the bed pounding against the wall and the high-pitched moans of his one-night stand, I didn't sleep until they were finished, which was a bit late that night!

So of course I made a point of knocking at 7am the next morning on his door so we could talk about it. Revenge is a dish better served very early in the morning! Oddly enough though, he bought me lunch later that day and we became great friends. And he tried to go to his conquests' place as much as possible after this incident.

I am still surprised about their couple. From what Paul always told me – and he is the kind of friend who tells a lot about his sex life – he likes it rough as far as sex is concerned and I can't imagine a cutie pie like Kyle enjoying that. But I guess you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Then Paul was the kind of guy who doesn't settle down, having a different partner each night, so it is weird to see him in a steady relationship.

So it's going to be Paul, Kyle, myself and Jonathan, another friend we have in common with Paul, back from university. He is American but went to our school as an exchange student. This one also sold his soul to the devil for money and is now working as an analyst for a trust fund. I'm surprised he managed to be able to go out tonight, since he usually works crazy hours.

I put on a pair of jeans I bought a few weeks ago, the shirt I was wearing today with a nice cardigan my parents got me for Christmas. It's freezing cold outside, so I have to put on my big winter coat and my gloves. My headphones will suffice to protect my ears, since I hate messing with my hair by putting a hat on, and I make my way to the subway, since the guys decided for a place in Chelsea, a bit more south of Manhattan.

Thirty minutes later I'm in front of the bar my friends picked. As I get inside, it's pretty obvious that, for once, Paul wasn't the one who chose tonight's venue. The music is extremely loud and he knows that's a bad trigger for me. Since he is a bit overprotective, I'm surprised he didn't relocate the evening in a quieter place. I take one step in and almost go back outside: I already feel the walls closing on me, and my breath shortens.

Come on, you can do it, it's just a stupid bar!

As I try to take another step inside, I see Paul making his way towards me. He quickly realizes how uncomfortable I am and pulls me into a tight hug.

"Sorry bro," he begins in French. "I didn't know it would be that noisy. Do you want to go elsewhere?"

"No no, I'm going to be fine!" I reply, as much as I would like to say yes. I'm not fine, but I'm pathetic enough, and I don't want my best friend to know that. It's been two years and a half, I should be able to bear some loud music for Christ's sake! That seems to manage to convince him, and thankfully, we quickly make our way to the bar and I order myself a beer. Things are going to get easier with a bit of alcohol.

Or not. But I can try anyway. We then make our way to the table where Kyle and Jonathan are seated. Kyle is wearing one of his nerdy T-shirt with a hoodie, while Jonathan obviously just got off work, and is dressed in a nice fitted dark grey suit and a blue-striped white shirt. He just removed his tie and left the first button of his shirt open, showing off a bit of the hair on his chest.

Jon is built with the same mold as Paul. He is just a bit taller (even if Paul denies it), has brown hair, which is neatly styled on the side, and mischievous light blue eyes. His body is to die for, with all the right muscles in the right places – and not too much this time! How do I know that? Well, we have a bit of a history, since you ask. We fooled around at university.

We actually met at one of the rare parties I attended. He flirted heavily with me which lead to some kisses and then us in the same bed together. It was never more than friends with benefit, because neither of us had serious feelings, but we kept this arrangement for the best of a year since it suited us both. Probably the best sex I ever had!

He also pulls me into a tight hug, after I've said hi to Kyle, and ruffles my hair. He knows how much I hate that! I complain loudly while trying to fix it, but just like this, he managed to make me forget the loud music for a few moments. His exuberance and his joyfulness are communicative, it's really hard to stay in a dark mood around him.

We catch up a bit about our respective jobs, but the conversation soon turns to our sex lives, or in my case, lack thereof. Four gay men in a bar, with two and a half perverted minds (I'm only counting myself as a half, compared to my friends and Kyle is way too innocent), what did you expect?

"Come on Anthony! When was the last time you had sex?" Jonathan asks. "I'm sure you could score anyone you want tonight." 

Of course we are at a gay bar. And it's true I saw some hot pieces of deliciousness around. But the chance they would be interested in me are close to zero, so I won't even try anything. Besides it's already a miracle I managed to enter this place, I certainly won't wander off on my own.

"Last time was a month ago just before the holidays," I reply. "And with that guy you hooked me up. Not your best idea by the way, he couldn't even get it up."

That throws him into fits of laughter, and he almost spills his beer. Kyle is as red as a field of tomatoes ready for harvest while Paul is smiling; he already knows the story of course.

"Wow! That must have led to some serious action," Jon continues.

"I could have topped him, but for some reason, I wasn't in the mood. He gave me a nice head though." Average at best, but let's brag a little.

"Not sure he would have felt a thing!" he teases back.

Now that wasn't very nice. Just because Môssieur is well endowed and I'm just average isn't any reason to make fun of me. I have the perfect comeback since he let me top him once, and certainly felt something, but he made me promise to never tell anyone about it. I guess he feels it would diminish his masculinity in a way, which is completely stupid if you ask me. As for me, I usually prefer bottoming, but topping once in a while is also nice. Since I'm kind, I just give him a knowing look... and a smack on the head.

"No one I topped ever complained!" I reply instead, pointedly not looking at him.

"Perhaps it's only because they were too polite to say something!" Paul smirks at the other end of the table. Looks like it's let's-bash-Anthony day!

"Did you all come tonight just to tease me?" I reply as I roll my eyes at him.

"Nobody has come... yet!" Jonathan answers. "But I hope that will change before the end of the evening!" he adds with a wink. Of course he would make a lewd joke, he is such a Perv! I can never use the words come or where around him without consequences. It's so painful having to watch what you are saying! Of course his joke makes Paul chuckle and Kyle blush a bit. Even I have trouble suppressing a laugh!

"I'm sure it will!" I reply. "Do you have any target yet?"

"A few twinks have caught my eyes, yes! But what about you? I'm sure we can find you a suitable male here who will be able to make your night memorable!"

The evening goes on like this, with Jonathan bragging about his latest catches for a bit. Until I feel the need to use the restrooms. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken a second beer. That certainly kills my mood since my pathetic self can't go to the bathroom alone anymore in a bar or any public place without having an anxiety attack. Fortunately, I don't have to wait long before Kyle has to go, and I just tag along.

Still, as I go into one of the free stalls, memories I would like to definitively forget begin to play in my mind. Stupid brain, can't you just let me enjoy one night out with my friends? I try to do my business as quickly as I can, and go back to the table with the guys. Except I'm not really in the mood anymore. Before one of the guys catches me brooding, I pretext the need for a big night of sleep and order myself a car home on the latest taxi app – I don't fancy taking the subway back home in this state of mind. I quickly hug everyone, then make my way outside.

That was without counting on Jonathan's persistence though. I guess I didn't fool them as much as I would have liked.

"Wait Anthony!" he catches up with me outside, without even his coat on. The guy is going to freeze to death! He pulls me into his embrace and squeezes me in his arms. The comforting smell of his cologne and the hug are nice, but not enough to help me relax completely.

"Are you really okay?" he asks in a concerned voice. I hate that I can't manage to properly hide my problems to my friends. I have put them through enough trouble as it is, I don't have to inflict my swings of mood on them as well!

"Not completely," I can't really lie now that they realized something was off. "But I will be fine with a good night of sleep!" That's also true, it's just that I know I won't have one of those.

"Paul said I was a jerk for choosing a place like this one," he tells me. Couldn't he have kept his mouth shut? Ugh, now Jon is going to feel bad for something he shouldn't! "I'm really sorry, I thought it would be a good idea... to help you meet someone."

"Don't be sorry," I reply. "You did nothing wrong, I'm just a bit tired tonight!"

"You need to find yourself a nice guy who will make you forget what happened to you," he whispers. He isn't wrong of course, but I am too socially damaged to meet new people. Besides who would want to date me?

"My car is here..." I answer instead, just to escape the conversation.

"Bye then," he sighs. "You know Paul and I are here for you! And you know you can call me any night if you are feeling a bit down, I'm happy to hang around!" I know that but I won't take him up on his offer. I have already asked too much of him in the past. Instead I force myself to smile and wave him goodbye while I get into my cab.

Once I arrive home, I let go of myself. Home is safe. At home I don't have to pretend being strong, I don't have to pretend being okay and I don't have to pretend that I've moved on. All the walls I have built around myself this morning fall apart. I go sit down on my couch and take my knees between my arms, hugging them closely, while I take deep breaths. The memories I have been trying to suppress since I was in the toilets at the bar come back with full force. I begin to hear music pounding in my ears as my mind drifts off to that night again.

I am hopping on the dancefloor like a crazy man to the beat of the music. It's not the type I usually listen to, and it's way too loud but I don't care. Tonight is fun! I'm glad I let myself be dragged here by Gilles and Samuel. Tomorrow is my birthday and it would be a shame not to celebrate.

A few cuties have hit on me already, but I have my eyes on the man with dark short hair and intense brown eyes that is seductively dancing in front of me. His shirt is clinging onto his muscular chest, and his pair of jeans rightly fits what seems to be a perfect ass. He has mesmerized me for the last half hour, and seeing the way his eyes are eating me, I think this delicious piece of hotness wants a taste of myself.

One or two songs later, he begins to grind against me, and I let my hand wander on his chest. Definitely nice muscles! His lips find mine pretty soon after this, and I let his tongue take control of my mouth. This is fantastic. When he breaks the kiss, he softly pecks my cheek.

"Want to go to my place?" he whispers in my ear.

"Sure!" I reply. "Let me just go the restrooms before!"

This is going to be such a great night, I think to myself while I leave the dancefloor.

I had never been so wrong in my life. I begin to cry uncontrollably, shaking like a leaf, as I relive the rest of the events of that night all over again, in a vivid flashback.

When it's finally over, and I get back the control of my brain, I am a sobbing mess. I realize that one hour has passed since I arrived home. I go to the window and light a cigarette. It's going to smell in the apartment, but I don't feel like going downstairs now, so I don't care. I feel so angry at myself for breaking down, once more.

Focus on what's positive, idiot!

Well, easier said than done. I did have a nice evening, for two hours anyway, I guess that's positive! Oh and I really managed to cut down on my cigarettes: it's only the third today, when I used to smoke more than a pack a day not that long ago. If only I could say the same of my other addiction...

After I have finished my smoke, I go to the fridge and grab a beer. Yes, another one. Two is not enough to make me sleep, by a long way. I can't remember the last night I went to sleep sober, or even just slightly drunk. Not in the last two years that's for sure. I don't sleep if I don't drink. That's as simple as that. I could take sleeping pills but they leave me groggy the next day and I can't think properly. Who am I kidding, I just can't resist drinking! The good thing is that after the third beer, the pain mostly goes away. I don't feel as dirty and pathetic as before.

Nobody knows that I'm an alcoholic, not even Paul. I hide it well. I drink alone and always clean the empty bottles in the morning. I have a different shop for alcohol for every day of the week, so not even the cashiers could tell if they noticed me. And I never drink too much to have a big hangover the next day. I know the exact quantity of alcohol my body needs for a numb sleep, and I don't go over it. I am a very functional drunk so even if someone calls or texts me at the end of the night, they usually can't notice a thing.

Anyway, all rational thought leaves me when I begin to sip on my fifth beer of the night, which is the whole point of ingesting this much alcohol. I just enjoy the latest episode of some stupid TV show with the sixth one. When I have finished it, I go to my bed, and fantasize for a bit about a nice man, as muscular as Jonathan, but blond, who would love me, despite my broken state, and help me heal. The film in my head grows a bit hotter, and I'm really tempted to jerk off to it. But my mini-me won't wake up with all that I drank, so I just drop asleep.

Published on Apr 27th 2017

So now you know a bit more about Anthony and met his close friends (see the characters chapter if you want to have a better look at them :D). We are going to see them a lot through the story!

In next chapter we will meet Ethan friends and his ex, that are all going to be pretty present in the whole series. Oh and things might begin to get a bit more hot!