It is when I am alone, I feel the demons take over, digging their nails through my skin, piercing through all my barriers at once and then I am completley consumed by my pain. But all I ever hear is her name.

"Zoya"

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly

I lay bare backed atop the cold bathroom floors, the tiles gelid against my skin, sending a stinging sensation down my spine. For a second, maybe a minute if I am lucky it will distract me from the pain inside.

Each time I close my eyes, I see her winsome face. Her eyes a light brown, mixed with just a tint of orange, like a beautiful, alluring fire in her eyes, always aflame when she glanced my way. Her hair, long and soft, I can still feel it between my fingers, twirling around them, pulling me in closely, like a trap I had walked into willingly. Then last, but not least- never least, her smile, glowing, lighting up my entire being, when she smiles, there is no darkness, just bright, beaming light.

Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh

The tears are searing, as they pour down my cheeks, leaving a scratchy feeling as they splash onto the tiles around me. Im gasping for breath, but its slowly fading away, the pain so unfathomable its beginning to suffocate me.

"Zoya, please"

She is the only one that takes the nightmares away, that holds me close, protecting me from any kind of danger. I need her, I need her more than I need oxygen, because when there is no her, the ability to breathe is non-existent.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough

But she is strong enough to take it all away. No matter where I look, I am always looking for her, in a crowd of a million faces, my eyes search for her. I drink, and I drink in the hopes of just forgetting that she's gone. I see women with similar faces, temptation is just that, a rope dangling before you, begging you to grab at it.

Just have a drink and you'll feel better
Just take her home and you'll feel better

I wouldnt, I couldnt. I could never betray my Zoya that way. Its like I am drowning, and no one understands but her. Life has always been a battle I am set to fail in, but the enemy is the man in the mirror, with ragged black hair and tired eyes, a smile on my lips, the only remnant of my lie. The lie that I am okay.

Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood

'You're a Hooda, its not in your blood to be this weak' thats what they all say. But, Zoya, she understands, she will always save me.

Its like the world is blind to my plight. They see a smile, she sees a broken man. They see pure happiness, she sees someone who just wants to be loved with such fervour that the world becomes a little easier to handle.

As if my heart couldnt beat any faster, as if I couldnt cry anymore. My muscles clench as I release a guttural sob from deep within me. So much hurt, so much darkness.

Cool air hits my face as the bathroom door is pushed open. I turn my head slightly to see my Zoya looking down at me. My heart calmed immediatley, there she was, she was really here. It wasnt just a dream anymore.

"Aditya, im so sorry, they wouldnt let me see you"

She lifts my head, resting it on her lap, her fingers running through my hair, massaging my scalp. She leans forward, her hair tickling my face as she kisses my forehead. The sensation makes me feel alive again.

Its then I know that I can fight this. Because depression is an illness, not something that is in my bloodstream. It is a battle against my self, constantly tearing away at me, bit by bit, limb by limb. Its vines around my wrists, tugging me back into the ashes I once rose from.

If I rose once, I can rise again.

All you need is someone, not to save you, but to support you while you save yourself. For me, that was my wife, my life, my Zoya.

Her soft tinkling voice singing to me as I gripped the bathroom sink, throwing up all the alcohol and the bitter taste of possible mistakes I could have made.

Her hand in mine as I walk back to the bedroom, by my side, each step of the way, because we're getting there. Slowly, ever so slowly but surely.

Her arms wrapped around me, rocking us both. Like we're on a ship, no longer drowning under the water, but rising above it.

"I love you Aditya, i've got you"

It is when I am with her, I feel love take over, fingers tracing my wounds, my battle scars, kissing them, she knows they are a part of me. Breaking down all my barriers at once, we sit together, crying like a dam has broken and then I am completley consumed by what I could have became. But then all it takes to ground me, is her voice saying my name.

"Aditya"

Hey! So I wrote this OS ages ago for a competition, but the competition is now over so I can publish it! I guess this is just dedicated to anyone who is currently having any struggles, you will get through it and you certainly aren't alone.

Also! @dancingStellars has opened a fanfiction awards book where you can vote for your faviourate authors and books and there is a section on Adiya!:)

Don't worry, I wont ask you to vote for me, you should all vote for the stories you truly think are the best, I thank every single person who has voted for me and my stories, it made me very emotional. I feel so bad that with all my stories I dont get to read a lot so wouldn't be able to make a good enough judgment, if I had time I honestly would and I know that makes me sound terrible. Ill stop now, as im sure youre all very tired of this author note, but I love you all!