Bella

I opened my eyes when I heard the text notification ring from my phone on my nightstand. Lately, I'd become conditioned to waking up when I heard that sound because Jin texted me every morning on the way to his office and every night before he went to sleep. Even after Fiona called me with her news, Jin continued to text me. I no longer acknowledged his messages, but he continued to text me and leave voicemails. That notification sound might as well be the sound of my heart breaking even further.

But part of me craved those notification bells.

I sat up in confusion. It wasn't from Jin. It was from Pete Harwin.

Pete: GM. Sorry you're still sad about

your breakup with Kim. Have you

thought about dinner?

I slumped back down to my pillow. Talking with Pete had been strange yesterday. I had not understood why he had been waiting for me outside my building since his class was held across campus. He had asked me to join him for coffee, and I accepted only because I was being polite. He had ordered for me and pretty much talked nonstop. His only pronouncement about Jin was that I deserved a man who would put me first. And when he walked me to my next class, he had leaned a little too close to me. I had been too flustered to do anything else except murmur 'Good bye' and rush to my class.

Jin had not texted me in over two days. And now it seemed his silence extended to this morning. Had I finally discouraged him? Had he finally given up? I curled up on my side, cradling my phone, wondering what he was doing and whether he was looking forward to his wedding.

Four hours later, I was still in bed. My eyes felt dry and hot. I had wanted to sleep, but I had been too focused on waiting for that text notification that never came.

"Bella?" Cindy called through my bedroom door. "Something arrived for you."

I blinked a few times? Jin? No, she said something, not someone. Of course, knowing Cindy, she might be referring to Jin. Yet, she wouldn't have just calmly announced his presence--unless she had lured him inside to kill him.

I stumbled out of bed and exited my room. Cindy was standing at the table looking at a flower arrangement. She looked up when she heard my door open.

"Hey! Look! They're for you."

My heart fluttered of its own accord. Jin! My entire body felt a giddiness that I could not control. I scurried toward the table and pulled the card from within the greenery. I hoped that Cindy couldn't see how my hands were shaking.

To the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. You make my heart beat faster. --Pete

I stared at the card until it got blurry. I didn't realize my eyes had gotten watery.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Cindy asked. "Is that idiot Seokjin still harassing you? I'll just throw these flowers away."

"They're not from Jin," I said softly.

Cindy took the card from my fingers. "Oh. Pete. Who's that?"

"He's one of Jin's study group members. He asked me out for coffee yesterday."

She stared at the flowers. "Well, this is interesting. It seems as if he's already falling for you. Is he, well, nice?"

"Nice?"

"I'm not going to ask if he's hot because as much as I can't stand Seokjin right now, honestly, I don't think any guy is going to be hotter than him," she said. "But I know that there are a million guys nicer than him out there."

I dabbed at my eyes with the sleeve of my pajama top. "That's the problem. I'm sure Pete's a nice guy, but--but I don't like him, not like that. I don't want to go out on a date with him. Or anybody." I slumped down on a chair.

Cindy pulled out another chair and sat in front of me. "Bella, stop it. You can't go on waiting for him to ride back into your life like a knight in shining armor. He looks the part, but he turned out to be a toad--just not with ugly warts, but you know what I mean. He's not Prince Charming. He's more like, well, whatever's the opposite. Prince Uncharming. That angel face and hot body cannot change the fact that he dumped you for a rich girl. And he got her pregnant!"

I began sobbing quietly.

"I'm sorry, Bells," she said in a softer voice. "I didn't mean to make you feel worse."

"No, no. That's just it," I replied with a hiccup. "She's pregnant. She is pregnant. He was always careful with me. Always. Religiously. Never once was he so overcome by passion that he threw caution to the wind. It's to protect you, my darling, he always said, so that you can reach your goals.  Why wasn't he careful with her?" I could not hold back the sob that erupted from within me. 

"Why?  Because he was just lying to me all along.  It wasn't to protect me but to protect himself from an unwanted tie to me! Oh, God, Cindy! He never intended to stay with me. He was just using me until someone better came along. It's what I feared most...that I was temporary. And it hurts! It hurts so much! When will this horrible feeling stop? I can't...I can't anymore!" I felt Cindy gather me into her arms, and I sobbed even harder into her shoulder.

She hugged me tighter. "Oh, sweetie, I wish I could tell you that you'll get over it soon, but I don't know. I also know that we can't order our hearts and minds to stop loving someone. It's a terrible cliché, but it will take time. However, it will take even longer if you're still holding out hope that he'll come back."

I moved away from her and reached for a napkin to use as a tissue. "He said he was working things out to get out of the marriage and then he...would come back. He said he loved me." I buried my face in my hands, aware of how pathetic I sounded.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she said softly. "There's no getting out of it. Just like Taehyung. They're rich and will only marry someone equally rich. You know Seokjin's father owns Kim Worldwide Incorporated. He runs, like, every luxury hotel in every major city in several countries."

I inhaled. "What?"

"Didn't you know? When he took you on all your fancy trips, you stayed at his family's resorts."

I concentrated on breathing. "Why wouldn't he have told me? Did he think I couldn't handle it? Or--or did he think I'd only want him for his money? I never have! I've told him! I already knew he was rich. I met his parents! I saw his house! It wasn't a secret, you know. Why wasn't he honest with me?"

"Tae told me, but he asked me not to tell you. He said Seokjin was very private about his family's holdings and thought he would tell you himself eventually. I don't know why he never told you."

I shook my head, feeling a bubble of hysteria rising in my chest. "Because he had no intention of staying with me. I wasn't good enough for a corporate heir."

Cindy sighed. "Don't say that. But, honestly, that's sort of why Tae and I stopped seeing each other. He was afraid that he would have to marry someone that would be picked for him based on what the company needed. He thought it wouldn't be fair to me if we continued going out. He didn't want me to feel as if he was just..." Her voice trailed off.

"Tae is considerate, I guess," I said, "not like his cousin who obviously didn't care about stringing me along. How could I have been so stupid? I'm the most ridiculous person in the world. He never loved me enough to be honest with me. I was just some big joke to him."

Cindy seemed startled by the hardness in my voice. "I don't know what to tell you. He did seem to love you, I think. He just couldn't get out of his obligation, and he should have been upfront with you—that was wrong. Rich people, you know, they see things differently."

"But I should've known better," I replied angrily. "I heard it over and over how he was just a player, how he went from girl to girl—none of whom ever claimed to be pregnant, by the way. I was just another conquest for him, another notch on his bedpost."

"I don't know," she said. "I mean, you did stay together for three months. I hate what he did to you, but he seemed to be so into you."

"Ha!" I scoffed. "Why are you sticking up for him now? I was nothing more than a three-month booty call. I told you. I had my suspicions when every time I saw him I ended up on my back. Oh, God, I'm such a loser!"

"Bella, you're not a loser. Don't speak that way."

"Remember I told you that I was afraid that the only thing he cared about was sex," I continued, feeling my heart rate increasing. "Dammit! I was right!" I shot out of the chair and ran into my room, still half-crying, half-screaming. "I was right! I'm so, so stupid! No wonder he just used me. I'm pathetic!"

Cindy rushed after me. "Bella, no! Don't say that."

"I was nothing but his whore, Cindy," I said through gritted teeth. "And this is how he paid for me." I opened my closet and pulled items of clothing from their hangers. "This! All this!" I dumped the clothes into a pile on the floor. Then I grabbed purses and other expensive accessories from the closet's top rack. "This is how he bought me! I was just too stupid to see it, to realize it. I was just convenient for him. I was just his stupid whore."

"Bella!" Cindy cried out in alarm. "Stop!"

I felt my legs shake and fell to my knees. "I was bought and paid for, and I hate myself for being such a pathetic loser. He...never loved me. I see that now." I couldn't stop the fresh round of manic sobbing. I had never felt so despondent, so bereft of spirit. I had no more strength to carry on. My body keeled over onto the pile of clothing, crying as if I'd never stop.

I felt Cindy's touch on my back. I heard her murmur soothing words. But the only thing on my mind was a horrible, unspeakable thought: I wished I was dead.