When people ask who is you idol. Well to me its easy my mom. She is strong, brave, outgoing, and means the world to me. So many more words can be used. None negative though. Yet I'm the complete opposite of her. Crazy, introvert-ish, sad, loner, afraid, quiet things like this. 

To me my moms perfect. The best mother figure out there. To disappoint her to me is the end of the world. I always felt not good enough. Another insecurity. Today though I let it out. I was doing my homework and she's like Oh I'm gonna have to sit next to you. And I told her that she didn't have too cause I like doing things alone sometimes. I hate getting judged. I didn't tell her. And well she miss-interpreted what I was saying to that I didn't want her near me at all.

And its not like that. Along with my other stresses I broke down my vision blurred like what happens when you cry. I couldn't stop thinking how I hurt her feelings, that I was the worst daughter, that she deserves a different daughter not me. She needs someone other than me. I'm not good enough for her. 

For the millionth time I wished Lola was still here she would comfort me be by my side. But she can't cause she is resting in peace. And it reminded me of the failure of a dog owner I wa- am sorry. Still working on stopping my dog neglect issue. I just want my mom to be proud yet I'm always behind someone. Never the best at something. Which always breaks my heart because I can see the disappointment in her eyes even though she tries to hide it. I know its there no matter what. 

I kept on thinking that my dad left cause of something about me. A failure. He finally noticed. Yet I think my mother still has failed to see what ever dad saw. This adds on to the stress. Which causes me to stress eat than thoughts about being fat like I mentioned earlier I think... I forgot. Which causes me to want to starve probably not eating breakfast tomorrow... Anyways see the rippling effect?? What happens to me 24/7.

We talked it out though. I heard her she heard me. We understood each other. But I understood something else and its that No Matter How Hard I Try I Will Never Be Good Enough For My Mother. Half crying half not, usually a strong person but not anymore I guess. Its 11:59 time to shower and try to sleep.

That was written weeks ago. I was gonna publish it but than I decided to separate my feelings into 3 sections.  This is obviously the depressed section so ya continuing.

I have had flashbacks recently and not happy ones. I spend a lot of time back top when I was sexually abused. Why did I let this go on and worst of all it was in my own home and in Target. I let myself be touched the wrong  way. I don't know why but I was never able to stop it because I was too in shock I guess. But to me that's a weak excuse in my opinion. I'm always naive in situations like this. Its always used to be Oh I'm buying you things so you think I love you than in this case it was Oh I'll buy you gifts and in return I touch you.  Sometimes I'd be able to slip away but most times I could't. Being sexually abused just took its toll on me. One moment I seem fine the next I'm crying in the bathroom just thinking things over. It's days like this that make me wish that my little dog was here along with my grandfather. I know Lola would just let me sob without trying to get me to stop. She would behave to her best ability and make me laugh. Not that I'm complaining about Beba she's a great dog its just that Lola understood me in ways Beba just well doesn't. And I know my grandfather would give me encouraging words. I mean in my family other than me and a couple of friends and you guys and my mom and grandmother well they don't know. And they never will. Their are days that I've only been eating because I feel faint. Last Friday I was just so close to crying and I did cause I wanted to be left alone but a friend of mine's asking whats wrong. I was having flashbacks and accidentaly hit one of my friends too hard. Cause I got Venezuela when I wanted Honduras so yeah it added to my mood and made it way worse. So I felt bad about that and I was just not in the mood. I wanted to cry so bad but I didn't. Not like anyone wants to hear me cry. My father never did every time I did he gave me a look that I'm not sure how to describe. He cared and not cared see where I'm going with this?? Anyways point is I starve cause it gets to me. I also feel like I need a hoodie to hide myself from others. I also feel like I need something in my lap like my lunchbox. I'm paranoid of the boys of been in a classroom for like what 3 YEARS AND I AM PARANOID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't be myself anymore I've changed. I notice even though no one else does. I stay up late trying not to cry but failing. And my Mom and Grandma think I'm over it. I overhear them talking about how proud they are that I never let it get it to me. HA! Look at me now I'm a FREAKING DAMN MESS!!!!!!!!!! Its eating me and chewing me out ya know? Its how I feel. I don' feel like myself anymore I feel like someone else. And I can't stop it.

I am also depressed because a good neighbor of ours died. And he's the kind of adult you can talk to and curse and he won't say anything bad cause he curses too so yeah. He talked to me like I was an adult. I enjoyed our conversation and at least he isn't suffering anymore. Still sad though. 

Okay for now were done with Depressions. I hope. Anyways I know I said I was gonna do Funny Fridays but I didn't have the time. So I'll do it next week. I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the next chapter of my other book is being updated this weekend so ya hopefully were excited!!!!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!