I don't want to die anymore.

That's the first thing I realize when I wake.

I don't want to die.

The next thing I realize is that my entire body aches and groans with pain. I can't tell where the agony begins or end; I just know that it's here with me. I don't feel anything but excruciating pain. I try to piece together my fragmented memories, but they're drowned by the pain throbbing through me.

"She's waking up!" someone whispers. How long have I been asleep? Who or what called me from this state of comatose?

"Ren?"

Luk. I want to cry out to him and tell him how sorry I am, that I made a mistake, that I never meant for things to end like this, but my lips are too dry. Tears well in my closed eyes from the pure agony and bliss of knowing he's here beside me. Luk touches my hand, the only sensation that breaks through the pain, and I fight to open my heavy eyes.

Luk's eyes are blue--bright, inquisitive, sharp--as he studies me, concern etched in the wrinkles at the corners of his frown. He smiles at me, but it's a bitter, pained sort of smile. He touches my face and his fingers are cool against my burning skin. I want to let the tears spill out of my eyes and into his hand.

"Hey, Ren," he murmurs, a dimple forming in one cheek. "It's about time you woke up."

He leans in and plants a kiss on my forehead, his lips soft against my feverish skin. I part my lips and try to speak. "Wh--what happened?"

I scan the dark room and notice other figures lounging in the shadows. The wind whips against the walls of whatever building we're in and I know this can't be the Civilization; it's too cold, too close to the elements. One of the figures on the edge of the small room moves forward, a candle lighting his face.

"Hey, Renna," he says with a tight smile on his angular face.

"Orrick," I whisper through my raw throat. He leans against the wall on one side of my bed and squeezes my pale, shaking hand.

"It's good to see you awake," he murmurs, emotion thick in his voice. "I'm going to get Elz. She'll want to see you."

Elz. Orrick. Luk. The three most important people in my life are all here, and for a moment I feel a spasm of joy, but then the memories rush back. Elz's eyes go wide and she releases a scream as Laird's body tumbles to the ground. Luk pulls away from me when he realizes what I've done to Ila. Orrick shakes his head because he knows I went to far. Are all of my good memories destroyed by pain and guilt and regret?

I turn back to Luk, desperation lacing my voice. "Luk, what happened?" I reach for him with one hand, but the pain is so immense that I wince at once and see the needle in my elbow. I close my eyes. What happened to us? What happened to me?

"Just relax, Ren. I promise we'll explain everything," Luk says with a placating hand on my shoulder.

His condescending words only infuriate me, and I try to lean on my elbows and sit up. "No, tell me what happened!" I exclaim. I grit my teeth as pain shoots through me at the sudden movement. My head throbs louder than my voice.

Luk presses on my shoulders and forces me to lie back on a bed covered in a reindeer pelt, and I don't have the strength to fight him. I squeeze my eyes shut, and I try to remember, but I just see Laird's body falling into the snow over and over again.

Ila. An image of Luk's daughter comes into my mind with her warm skin and round eyes, and I remember needles inserted into her arm, a panicked look of confusion, and insurmountable guilt. I did something to her. I destroyed her.

"What happened to Ila?" I whisper, and Luk's blue eyes swell glassy for a moment. He bows his head and his hand clenches into a fist.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Luk whispers, still refusing to meet my eyes.

I squeeze my eyes shut, a headache intercepting my thoughts. I remember hating the Civilization with every part of me. I remember the Underlings planning a rebellion, the Civilization's population decreasing, and a plan to increase it. I remember Enforcers breaking into my room and taking me for an interrogation. I remember Hayl and Elz taking syringes and medicine and...

"They destroyed her memories," I whisper under my breath, my eyes opening.

The Civilization's cruelty hits me with a new force. To punish me, they forced me to watch my closest friends administer medicine that would erase her memories to Ila, Luk's daughter. Luk's head remains bowed and I see a muscle in his bearded jaw work as he nods. Memories flood back, and I recall Mizpah giving me a chance to save Luk's daughter, a chance to surrender information about the Underling uprising in exchange for Ila's memories. I let them destroy her. I am as cruel and as guilty as the Civilization.

I can't look at Luk any more; I can't even bear to be in the same room as him. He has to hate me for what I did to his daughter, but then why was there so much tenderness in his gaze? Guilt shrouds me like a shadow, and I struggle to breathe. I know I should say something. I'm sorry? I made a mistake? But I'm not sure I did. If I had told Mizpah the truth about the Underling revolt, we might all be dead or worse, imprisoned by the Civilization. But because I withstood their torture and bribery, the Underlings revolted and they gave us the chance to save the children of Luk's home, Domus, and escape. If I had saved Ila and turned the Underlings in, we all might have died. I'm sorry Ila lost her memories, but I made the right choice. I hope. I believe.

"Renna!" a soft voice interrupts the tension building between me and Luk, and the next thing I know, gentle arms enfold me. I catch sight of white-blonde hair with pastel streaks as Elz holds me for a moment, and I release a sigh.

"Elz," I whisper. "I'm so sorry."

She stiffens around me and sucks in a sharp breath. Elz loved Laird--I don't know if he or anyone else knew that, but I did. She loved Laird, and now he's dead. She pulls away from me, her blue eyes wide and her pale face lined by sorrow and exhaustion

"You remember?" she murmurs, tears welling in her eyes.

I nod, chewing on my lower lip. "I'm sorry, Elz. I would have saved him if--"

"You couldn't," Elz says quickly, her eyes falling from mine. "We got out of the Civilization, we saved the Domus children. Lair--" she pauses, unable to say his name. "He would have wanted to die doing something noble."

I don't know what to say to her; I know it's my fault Laird died. I was the one who masterminded the half-baked plot to overthrow the Civilization. Hayl and Elz, two of my closest friends, experimented on Luk's child because of me. The guilt is more than I can bear.

"Okay, Renna, I need to examine your wound," Elz says, her voice stronger than before. I open my eyes and see her removing the blanket that hangs over my prostrate body. I've lost weight from the days in my cell in the Civilization Center and from whatever happened to me here in the Outside.

"Wound?" I ask.

"Mizpah shot you," Orrick says from one corner of the small room, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. I recall the bullet searing into my leg and my friends having to carry me to save me from the burning wreckage of the Civilization.

"I...I couldn't get you to the outpost soon enough," Luk explains, still standing beside me. I notice how pale his face has grown as well, and how his beard has grown in. "You caught hypothermia and nearly died. I wanted to take you to Domus, but you were too weak to travel so we had to send the children ahead of us. It's been five days since we left the Civilization."

I see the line of Domus children as we left the Civilization behind us, and for the first time, I consider the future. Domus. Luk's home, the only other society in this post nuclear wasteland, the one that bombed the Civilization after it stole their children and wiped their memories.

"Domus?" I murmur.

Luk glances at Elz and Orrick and nods. "As soon as you're strong enough, that's where we're going."

I sink back onto the reindeer pelt and let his words resonate inside of me. Domus, the mysterious society where family reigns over intellectual or physical prowess. Domus, the place that forced Luk to run away with his daughter. Domus, our only refuge since we left the Civilization to burn. 

Welcome back to Renna's story! I apologize for the long hiatus between the first two chapters. Real life and two other stories I'm currently updating have gotten in the way, but be prepared--I have regular updates and insane plot twists coming for you soon! But first, what do you expect to find when Renna and her friends get to Domus? Let me know in the comments and THANK YOU for reading!