CH 16 mother wolf

Shalom's POV

Almost a week after Justice was born, I woke feeling strangely rested. My bed was so warm and comfortable. I slept better that night than I had since the Revelation Night. I started to roll over and bumped the wall. My eyes flew open; my bed wasn't by the wall. I could feel breath on my hair and heard a soft snoring. Turning my head, a naked Jacob was asleep on top of the blankets and I panicked. My wolf tried to calm me, reminding me that it was perfectly natural for our mate to be in our bed. I remind her that he killed Miles and raped us. I didn't want him for our mate.

Fine, she huffed, Just lay still and he will go away.

Instead, he rolled over, then his arm and leg trapped me further. This is not going away! I snapped at my wolf.

At least he's pretty to look at, such a strong male, so many beautiful scars. She pointed out, then added, And he smells so good.

Shut up! He murdered our son. Violated us once, what's to say it won't happen again. We need to leave, we can't trust him. We aren't safe here. J.J. isn't safe here. I shouted at her.

I squirmed carefully, trying to get free, tears were starting to leak out of my eyes and my heart was beating so hard it hurt. I heard a sharp intake of breath and turned m head. Those misty blue-gray eyes that I could so easily lose myself in if I wasn't terrified were looking into mine. We both froze.

"Oh goddess, Quinn... I ... I am so sorry." Jake stumbled out of the bed and snatched the top quilt off to wrap around himself. "I... I don't know how I got here. My wolf has been driving me crazy and I... he... I'm sorry." Then he was gone out the door. I heard Saul swear and a few quick growled words before Saul rushed in.

"Shalom, are you okay, honey? He didn't mean it, his wolf brought him while he was sleeping. He is very sorry."

I only nodded as J.J. started loudly demanding his breakfast. While I fed my son, I looked out the window and could see Jake's wolf lying under a tree watching the house. It looked so lost, and it broke my heart but I knew I couldn't be what it and my wolf wanted. Slowly, it backed away and disappeared into the forest.

"Why does he do that?" I whispered to Saul when he brought me a cup of tea.

"He can't help it. His natural drive is to protect you and J.J., to do any and everything to make you feel safe. It is hard for him when he is the thing you are most afraid of. His wolf doesn't understand that you are hurting because he can't see a wound on you." Saul looked out at the empty place where his cousin's wolf was a few moments ago. "Jake just wants to make it right between the two of you for J.J.. He knows you will never be together like Richard and Julia but it is still hard for him, just like it is hard for you."

J.J. was finishing, lazily, half-sucking and half-sleeping. Except for my dark curls, he looked just like I imagined Jake looked as a baby. "Do... do you think he would like to see J.J. today? I mean not with me but maybe you could take our little pup over to see daddy while Nic and I work with Cory and Carl? They are going to try to get back to their wolves today like Matthias did yesterday."

Saul gave me a giant grin. "I think Jake would really appreciate that." He turned his head slightly to the side and I also heard a noise. Saul laughed. "Will offered to make us breakfast since he failed to keep Jake home. I think he is trying to find something he can make."

I couldn't help the laugh that came out, Will was the worst cook I have ever know. He burned boiled eggs once. "Tell him, no I want to live."

"I heard that," Will called from the kitchen, something metallic clattered followed by a stream of profanity.

I rose and carried J.J. into the kitchen. "Stop, Will."

"But I was going to make breakfast. Just go back to bed and I can bring you something?" He sounded excited to cook for us and the memory of charred, exploded eggs flashed through my mind.

"Hey, that was an accident." Will huffed.

"It was not, you shouldn't have tried to boil eggs and play Halo at the same time." I snapped at him.

"It wasn't Halo, it was Call of Duty Infinite Warfare," he growled back but I could literally feel his guilt and regret.

"Will, what is it?" I asked but I was starting to get a little freaked out at being able to feel his emotions.

"Gaulo died. We were supposed to finish the game together with Luca."

I could feel his pain with his words, and my own grief. "I know, he saved me..." I put my hand on his arm. "Will, I'll make pancakes for us."

"What about Jake?"

"What about him?" I already know what is coming. I could feel Will's question before he asked it.

"I can't leave him to eat alone." Will was such a good brother.

I looked up to see Saul was watching me and I had the strangest sense he was been hoping I would say no, but then he gives me a nod. I closed my eyes and said the words that I was already praying I wouldn't regret. "He can come too. Go get him."

"Really? Thanks, Shalom." Then Will was gone.

"That was very brave of you," Saul praised me.

I handed him J.J., "Tell me that again after I have my nervous breakdown over making pancakes."

Saul smiled at my sleepy baby then asked, "What's wrong?"

"Why can I feel Will's emotions? Why could I feel Jake's in bed this morning?"

"It's the pack link. It isn't like the things in your books. The telepathy thing between wolves is a myth but we can... kinda sense each other. It's more a family bond than a pack thing. Like I can know what Will or Jake need from the 'vibes' I get from them, but we can't talk like I do with my wolf."

"Like empathy? Or maybe intuition?" I hedged, it freaked me out to think Jake might be able to read my mind.

"Yeah, but it's stronger with mates. If you and Jake can work through what happened, you'll share something like soulmates have but I understand if you can't. No one expects you to get over what happened, even if your wolves are bonded. Wolves scent for physical compatibility, they don't have the discernment about stuff our human side does." He gave me a hug and kissed the top of my head, "You'll be fine and I will be with you the whole time. Get dressed and I'll start some water for coffee and tea."

I had to smile as I watched him carry J.J. around, talking to him the whole time, the last words I heard catch me off-guard. "Guess what, little wolf? Uncle Will is bringing Daddy for breakfast. We're going to eat as a family."

I shut the bathroom door, turned on the shower and sobbed out my fear. I had to do this, get through this fear. I did it with Will, now I have to do it with Jake. He was J.J.'s father and would be in my life for our son's sake forever because I certainly couldn't raise him alone. Justice Julian was a born werewolf and I was not equipped to be his mother. I hardly knew anything about being one myself even though I was one now. My son was barely even a week old and I already felt like I couldn't relate to him. Like when Miles first started talking about video games and I could only stare at him like a fool, but I was lucky then because Kenneth was there to play with him and help him learn.

I knew I had to let Jake be there for J.J. and that meant I couldn't run, not yet. To be the best mother I could be for my son, I had to stay here and get over my fear of the monster the man who is his father didn't mean to become. I had to let of of the pain and fear he didn't mean to cause me. But I doubted I would ever be able to be with him the way I was with Kenneth, I wasn't going to live the myth that the mate bond makes everything better. There had to be a line drawn, no matter how much my wolf objected, we were not breeding stock and I was not going through that nightmare again.

Drying myself, I can't believe how fast I healed after giving birth, almost all of my baby weight was gone too, without a single trip to the gym. Saul had said that wolves have high metabolisms and healing, but seriously this is ridiculous was my only thought as I turn to look at myself in the mirror. I caught sight of my newest tiny flower tattoo, a rosebud on my inner wrist where Kenneth used to kiss me when we were holding hands while e drove. The artist was going to add three more over the next few years, following a chart I had found in an old book; Traditional Flowers for Wedding Anniversaries. Years 15 through 18 are roses, year 19 is sweetpea, followed by aster for year 20. Kenneth never got to see it, he'll never get to see them. More tears came unbidden.

I missed him so much and tomorrow would be Father's day. I told him I was pregnant with Miles on Father's day. I missed my children. I longed for Miles' impish ways and Molly's gentle creativity. They would never know their brother, they were in heaven.

Do werewolves go to heaven or someplace else?

For a moment, I choked on the emptiness of my grief again. I never knew it could be this bad. I hurt after I lost my family when I was ten, but nothing like I have since I lost my children. Every time I think I am past the worst part of it, it sneaked up and kicked me in the chest. I finally pulled myself together enough to find some clothes, fingering the red cloak Mr. Black enchanted and I wonder if it would hide me and J.J. from wolves too. Saul didn't know I had gotten a truck running. I considered putting the cloak and a pack of stuff in it. Shaking my head to clear away those thoughts before my wolf tried to take over, I headed to the kitchen and tried to be brave as I made breakfast for everyone and the mate I hated.

VvvvV

A week later....

My fear was running amok today, I pray tomorrow will be better. I watched Jake out of the side of my eye as he held J.J. talking to him as a loving father would. All I wanted to do was snatch my child from his arms, but I won't because J.J. was his child too. I had to remind myself every few minutes that I needed to forgive Jake, and not scream at him for what he did that night. Instead of turning into momzilla, I chopped onions and potatoes, carrots and celery for the elk pot roast I was putting in the crock pot. I learned to cook 'wolf portions' as Saul called them when we all lived in the school. I don't know why but somehow pancakes for breakfast on one morning had turned into breakfast and dinner as a family every single day.

Jake went to put Justice in his crib. I could still hear him murmuring to our son, telling him how beautiful his mommy was. I was really beginning to hate werewolf hearing . He was such a good father but I didn't want to be his wife... mate... whatever we might be beyond co-parents. I still struggled with my fear, being near Jake every day, but I could tell he was struggling too. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me. Jake watched me with so much regret and sadness, it made me want to comfort him, but I didn't know how, so I always pretended not to notice. I just couldn't yet. Sometimes when I woke up screaming or crying from my nightmares, I could feel him, either outside the window or in the hall beyond my door. Saul said he only wanted to comfort me too, but I retorted, how could he when he was just as broken as I was.

As I washed my hands, I could see Joshua coming toward the house so I made his bowl of coffee; no sugar, just pouring the half and half liberally. It was nice to have milk that was not from a can. Jake had groceries and supplies delivered to the edge of the territory so the wandering Ravers wouldn't eat the poor pilot and warriors who brought them. Will said the size of Richard's Raver had them almost peeing themselves. Jake was so happy with himself as he made avocado BLTs for dinner. When I asked him why, he answered that he remembered me saying how much I wanted one before J.J. was born. I didn't tell him that I only liked bacon when I'm pregnant.

I was so surprised to come back from working with the younger ravers to find bags of clothing in my size and favorite styles and colors. About the clothes, Jake apologized that he couldn't take me shopping properly, so he had asked James' secretary to help because I was still wearing the four sets of maternity clothes that were Julia's. Even though I knew Richard would have let me take more of Julia's clothes, I just couldn't. He had made a sort of nest in their walk in closet and slept there every other night. I honestly didn't know who snored louder, Richard or Saul.

Looking down, I realized I made a cup of coffee for Jake too, straight with cream, just like Joshua took his. I left it by the coffee pot and went out to sit on the porch with Joshua. Joshua took his coffee bowl but before he started lapping the hot liquid, his nose pushed at the place where Jake bit me. He made a contented rumbling before sitting and drinking. Sipping my coffee, I decided I needed to ask Saul some questions after I worked with Nicolea and the Ravers this morning.

Every day we worked with the Ravers of Monarch Mountain. Nine of the seventeen survivors have gotten by to their wolves but they just can't get back to their skin. Richard tried every day, Joshua doesn't. He just watched the survivors of his pack with a kind of resigned sadness. We had also had several Ravers from different packs come, literally crawling on their bellies, begging to join us. Joshua didn't kill them, but he did bite them pretty badly. At first Richard wouldn't let me near them, but then I just started walking up to them and cleaned up their neck wounds. Snarling Richard tried to stop me but I shouted at them to quit chewing up the other survivors if they didn't want me to have to treat their wounds.

Saul told me that it was normal, Alpha wolves mark others as pack members, and not just as mates. He also said it was part of an Alpha female wolf's nature to tend the injured and help other wolves like a mother, which was why, in spite of my fear, I helped them. So far, three of those eleven have gotten their wolves back. We are now up to twenty-eight ravers. And more were coming, I could feel it. I dreamed about it when I wasn't reliving the horrors of my past.

VvvvvV

As I was watering the flowers in the Grotto, I 'feel' Saul coming. He shifted and pulled on a shirt and shorts. I was still not quite comfortable with the whole sit around naked part of being a werewolf. Cory and Carl's wolves were waiting outside the Grotto.

"Hey Luna, talk to me," Saul's voice was a comforting rumble in the enclosed space.

"Don't call me Luna, my name is Shalom, and I'm not completely crazy yet," I grumbled at him but he just smirked.

"My nightmares are getting worse since the baby was born." I started talking and he listened.

Sitting on the ground in front of a stone bench, we painted over the pale names of the dead. The permanent marker we used to write the memorial was fading in the harsh mountain sunshine. Enamel paint was more permanent. The sun sunk to the west as we walked back, his face was a mask of concern as I finished.

"The only time I am not screaming myself awake is when Jake is there outside the door, but then I can't go back to sleep. I just want to run away from him but I know J.J. will need him. Saul, I can't keep going like this. I feel like I am losing my mind and I am so tired all the time, I'm in a daze. Nic says it's just postpartum, but I have never had postpartum. And I have never had nightmares like this. It isn't like I am dreaming, it is like I am there again." My voice wanted to sob over my words as they spilled out.

"I have never heard of a wolf getting postpartum, Shalom, or having nightmares like you are having. But everyone who survived that night has them. If Nic doesn't know, maybe Lance or Greyson will have an idea. All I can suggest is letting him sleep next to you."

"No," I snapped.

"The mate bond should help calm you and your wolf, it should help you sleep to have him near, maybe by your bed?" He squeezed my shoulder and continued before I could protest. "I know you're scared but you're stronger than your fear, I know you are. I can't even begin to imagine what either of you are going through but I know Jake only wants to help you heal and be there for you and Justice. He needs to, he is an alpha, and he can't help himself."

"I know Saul, it's just hard, when I see him or feel him touching me, my mind goes back to that night."

"Have you talked to him about it? Really talked to him," Saul chided

"He heard the recording." I retorted flatly. I still felt a small curl of resentment against Saul for sending that to his cousins.

"I know, but it isn't the same. And I only did what I thought was best to keep them away, I am still sorry they didn't," he sighed as if reading my thoughts. "You need to talk about all that happened to him, not me."

"Saul, you know I can't, not yet."

"Then when?"

Ahead of us, Will was sitting on the porch of Jake's house holding Justice. Jake was grilling steaks, corn, and something wrapped in foil. A picnic table was set up and covered with food. Nic was watching Ryan and Cory shifting from their wolves to their Ravers and back again. Richard watching approvingly, I could tell from the slant of his giant wolf's head. I don't see Greyson, he hasn't made it here yet. I have to keep hoping he does, I put on a brave face, smiling, as they all looked at us.

"We finished painting the memorial names," I announced aloud.

"That's awesome," Will blurted out, "Just in time for the Solstice."

I raised my eyebrow in question, "Solstice?" Taking Justice, I sat down.

"Summer solstice is a holiday. We spend time with family, and remember those who have gone to the Moon, especially those who were warriors," Saul explained.

"Like Memorial Day or Veterans Day?" I covered J.J. as he started nursing.

Saul nodded, adding, "Yes. But to the vampires, it is more like how we look at the winter solstice. We want the days to get longer, while they want the nights to get longer. Summer solstice is closer to New Years Eve, for them."

Sighing, I nodded. I had so much to learn about the nonhuman world, so much to understand so I could teach my son.

Jake set a plate in front of me, I trembled slightly, but managed a low thank you. Saul gave me a half-smile. Saul said I needed to let Jake make food for me, like I make food for everyone else. It's a male wolf thing to provide for and protect one's mate. I waited for Jake to take the first bite, before I started eating. I was getting better at being a wolf. But I didn't know if I would ever get better at being a mate, I wasn't going to let the mate-bond manipulate me. I had read too many stories that may or may not be true about abused females going soft in the head and falling down in love with their abuser who suddenly realized they loved their victim. It was a myth I hated.

Jacob is not one of those. My wolf interrupted my internal dialog.

I hate him, he hurt us, killed our family,′ My fear answered and my wolf growled back at it.

'He is a good mate. He loves us.' She disgreed.

'Liar. He is only being nice because of the bond and our son.'