Chapter 7

The Rage

Jake...

Through the dream I watched her.

She is holding his head in her lap as he dies, wearing a blood red cloak covered in black swirls and ancient Fae writing. She cries for him, even though she sees his truth, a Demonus in the flesh. I watch through eyes that aren't mine while she shows him compassion.

She rises as he dissolves into shadows, screaming at me or us, "You didn't have to kill him!"

Ravers prowl around us but she isn't afraid as I/we roar in her face, her hazel eyes hold the eyes I am looking through. Her courage and defiance are beautiful.

I opened my eyes. How could she love a dark fae and hate me? They were demons, then I remembered to her, I am the monster she fears most. After that night, any and every living thing was better than I was. I got up, there would be no more sleep for me tonight, but at least I didn't shred my mattress again. The best part about staying in the school as a pack house was that there was a weight and workout room. For a smaller school, it had some very nice facilities. I didn't tape my hands because I didn't care if they bled. I punched the bag until my knuckles left their print in crimson with every blow.

Yesterday I found something at her house. I was looking for another shirt with her scent; there was a letter. It was wrinkled and worn, like it had been read many times, tears were wiped from the surface of the pages. Claws punctured the edges as if she shifted while reading it. It reeked of her sorrow. He cheated on her, purposely and with intent, for almost a decade. Her husband who loved her, who wrote in his study of her that she was the strongest person he ever met, had screwed another female repeatedly over the years. I would kill him if he were still alive. His reasons seemed rational and excusable, but somehow the years long affair with the supermodel socialite, who was secretly the head of the Human Purity Movement, did not seem like a sacrifice that would be difficult for any male to make.

Aliza Abbott was one of the most beautiful human women in the world. Her plan was for she and Troy to have pure human children together after they rid the world of monsters. The thought of that group had me pounding the bag harder. Paul's vampire secretary destroyed all his files, killed three of his analysts, and vanished the day after his death. The rest of the Lycan Intelligence Agency was useless, sent after false trails or like us, fed false information. We were left with only one human's stolen intel to work with, Dr. Kenneth Troy Phillips. If I envied that human before, I hated him now. I hated him for hurting her, for betraying her, for betraying the one thing I wanted more than anything, her love.

The chains snapped, the bag flew through the air, and split when it hit the wall, spilling its sand.

"What did that poor punching bag ever do to you?" Saul's voice had a snarky tone and I wasn't in the mood. Ever since the Revelation Night, I found that my temper was shorter than my hair.

"Not today, cousin," I warned in a growl, looking at my bleeding and battered hands. Then I remembered something I wanted to ask him for the entire week he was gone. "Were you going to tell me Quinn could die?"

His brown eyes were dark as he scrutinized me, then he sighed, "I don't know."

"Goddess dammit, Saul! She's my mate!"

"And you've done a fine job with her," he snarled back judgmentally.

I walked over; chest to chest, we glared at each other as I ground out four words through gritted teeth. "What did you say?" The world was changing color around me, like tunnel vision, only I was looking through a tunnel of blood that pulsed with every beat of my heart.

His eyes flashed with defiance and righteous anger, his tone low and condescending, "You heard me, cousin. I said good job."

The bones in my fist broke as I dented the cinderblocks behind him. His fist drove the air from my diaphragm as he dodged. All I could see was blind red rage, like that night. Saul punished me for my rage and I, him, for his disrespect. The next thing I knew, the rage was retreating as James and Will drug me away from Saul, who spat one of his teeth on the floor. There were a dozen Monarch pack wolves watching but Saul was the only one I could see, I wanted his throat.

"Did it feel good, Jake? Did it feel like that night?" Saul shouted at me.

"You! Don't! Know! Anything!" I roared back. "You don't know what it was like then or what it is like now! Do you think I wanted to meet my mate like that? That I want to only remember how I killed her son and mauled her as I raped her!"

I fought against James' and Will's hold, managing to throw Will off. "I have been looking for her for a century and now she will hate me forever. She would rather be with a dark fae than me. And there is nothing I can do to make it right! James! Get. The. Fu*ck. Off. Me!" I shouted at my brother. I could feel myself shifting. James yelled something and then a prick and fire burned into my neck. Darkness consumed my consciousness the way it was eating my soul, but even in the darkness, I could see the red of rage.

VvvvvV

The nightmares stormed in my mind and soul like a hurricane flooding me with darkness and obscuring everything else. It was like I was reliving every moment of that night again, every sensation. Part of me liked it, part of me enjoyed the rage as much as the rest of me hated it. The monster that was just beneath my skin, was clawing its way to the surface, the ugly beast hiding in my head.

The dreams had never been this clear.

I screamed in my horror, and no one heard me. I was fighting what I had become. The monster was running, fighting killing, trying to find the source of that sweet scent. Then she was here, standing defiantly in front of me as her son's blood dripped from my claws. We regarded each other for only a moment before she shot me, staggering me back. Pain seared my chest, only moving at the last moment saved my life.

Will knocked her down trying to get to the girl, but she sliced at him with a sword. Shouting at the girl to run, as I lunged forward, my beast grabbing her ankle and crushing it as I dragged her toward me. I sniffed and rubbed my arousal on her. Her hazel eyes were wide and horrified because she knew what I was going to do to her. As I reached for her with my clawed hand, she swung, breaking the blade as she cut my hand in half. I pulled away then backhanded her. She rolled then she scrambled toward the gun in the snow.

William's beast had the girl pinned and was tearing at her clothes. My mate raised the gun and fired a single shot but not at either of us. The girl's head jerked violently, and blood sprayed beyond her. Her cries were forever silenced by her own mother. I bit down on my mate's shoulder, shaking her violently as I marked her as mine. Her blood on my tongue and the scent of her fertileness was too much to resist. As she screamed, I took her body in every way I could, in every form, I could not get enough of her. Part of me cried out for us to stop, but the monster wanted more.

Hearing a howl, I left her to kill the one who challenged me, to protect what was mine alone, then I forgot I found her, forgot what my monster did to her.

I knew we put our blood in her mouth to make her stronger, so she would live longer, so we could continue to take what we needed. It was as if I were living that night over in every minute sensation and I hated myself as I enjoyed it, as I wanted more. The white snow painted scarlet with our mixed blood. The flakes blowing around us turned into a freezing rain falling on me from the storm, washing away the pain and self-loathing, the hatred and horror, leaving me numb. No one could save me, I would never be well. I was drowning in a storm of rage and horror. Somewhere beyond the apocalypse of my soul, I heard a soft Fae voice calling to me to come back.

Jacob... She needs you.

VvvvvV

I drew a deep breath and opened my eyes. I was laying in the center of a cell; the bars were wrapped with silver. My whole body hurt like I had taken one helluva beating. Will was sitting against the wall, asleep, his arm in a cast. I needed to get out of here before I killed someone, I vaguely remembered attacking Saul, then Will and James. They tried to sedate me, but it didn't work. I fought nearly a dozen trained warriors before Nicolea and Greyson came. They used Fae magic to render me unconscious. My head felt like it did after that night, like I had been on a week-long bender.

"I'm sorry," a soft voice broke its way into my confusion. I blinked again, turning my head to see the young fae kneeling outside the bars. "I understand now, and I am sorry I misjudged you." She opened the door and walked in with a cup of water. "You need to drink this."

My hand trembled so she helped me hold the cup. "What... what happened to me?" My voice sounded harsh.

"Greyson calls it the Rage, all male survivors go through it, those who became Ravers and recovered suffer through it. It's been so long since the Revelation Night that he assumed you already experienced it. Most went through it in the first two or three months, he thought that Will was the last one. You're going to have more episodes, anytime you lose your temper there is a chance you could relapse." Her voice carried a tone of pity that my wolf and I don't like, but it was better than her contempt. "You were under for eight days."

"Did I kill anyone?" The only werewolves here were my packmates and family.

"No. Yes, you hurt a few, but no, you didn't kill anyone. They tried chaining you but that didn't work so they put you in the cell. Well... this is the second cell. Your Raver destroyed the first. Are you hungry? Or do you want a shower?"

I nodded, food and a shower sounded great, then I decided I was getting as far away from everyone I love as possible. I struggled to stand, my legs and arms hurt like I had been practicing combat shifting.

A strong hand gripped my arm, Will was looking at me with so much worry and concern it hurt. "You okay, Jake?"

"I don't know, Will." I noticed Nicolea slipped away.

"It gets better, after the first few times, it gets better, and the episodes get shorter. I forgot that Paul didn't tell you anything," he sounded resentful.

"You have this too?" I asked, the thought of my brother suffering through what I just did, cleaved my heart with a sense of desperate helplessness.

"Yeah but I have never lost it for more than a few hours, a day tops. Greyson thinks that because you resisted for such a long time, that is the reason your Rage was so intense. James said they had reports from Mid-America of other recovered Ravers suffering from the Rage too." He led me to the shower as he talked.

"But what?" I demanded, feeling that he was holding something back.

Will looked everywhere but at me.

"Jonah?" I used his first name.

"But the ones that don't recover, die or... or they have to be put down because they turned back into Ravers and stay that way." He sounded timid, scared, like when he was a pup and thunderstorms scared him. "I'll get you a robe and some towels.

While he got me the linens, I scrubbed myself, trying to clean the filth I felt in my soul off by removing my skin. After my shower, he took me out to an area with a bunch of tables. As he watched me eating, I realized we were in a jail. He made no indication that we were leaving. So, I asked, "Are we going back to the school? Or the hanger? I need more than a bathrobe, I want to get back to work."

"Sorry, but Greyson says until you aren't a flight risk, you aren't going anywhere," Saul answered for him. He had the same look of pity that the fae had.

I growled at him, "I'm fine, I just had a bad night."

"No Jake, you're not fine, and if you keep ignoring what happened to you, you'll never be fine. It is going to eat you up inside until it kills you!" Saul retorted angrily, then rubbed his face, "Sorry." He looked at Will and a silent message passed between them. "Did... Did you remember?"

I didn't want to talk about it.

Will put his hand on my arm, "When the Rage comes, it all comes back." He wiped a tear that leaked from his eyes. "Every Goddess damned moment came back like I was there again. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It was whatever was in the snow."

I put a bite of steak in my mouth so I wouldn't have to talk.

We sat in silence while I finished eating. I could feel my beast raging to finish what we started earlier, and my hands started to tremble with the urge to shift. Anger was hitting me in waves, like when we were young and went to the ocean for the first time. Will and Saul watched me carefully as I finished the huge lunch they gave me.

"I'm sorry Jake, but you have to go back in the box," Will said sadly, gently taking my arm and leading me back toward the cells.

I opened my mouth to protest but Saul pointed out, "If we keep having to sedate you, we could damage your heart. And Greyson wanted to know how long you have been wearing silver to sleep?"

I was starting to pant, the irrational feelings were almost overwhelming, as was the need to shift. They walked on either side of me back to the cellblock. I noticed that there were several of the cells wrapped in silver, each smelled like a different wolf, the one next to me smelled like Will. My jaw hurt as it tried to push out.

"Jake, the silver necklace, how long?"

Red was creeping onto everything I saw, but I squeezed my eyes shut and managed to growl out, "Since... the first... first month."

I heard the key in the lock and turned to throw myself against the door. It clanged loudly but didn't move. Growling, I wrapped my hands around the bars. My last thought as silver burned my palms was that we don't like cages, then I was the monster again. I couldn't control it.

I woke up alone and naked on the cement floor. I had no idea how much time passed, only that I woke sane and then would fall back into madness over and over. My whole body felt bruised and clawed, I wondered who was doing this to me. The answer could only be that I am doing this to myself, my family would not allow me to be abused. The Rage, as Greyson called it, consumed me. I know James, Will, and Saul have been here, but they are not the ones I want to see.

Beyond the cell door is a familiar ball of yellow cotton, I crawl toward it. Stretching my arm through the burning silver wrapped bars to snag it. I pull it in quickly. Looking at my hand, I realize that I was in my fighting form. I tried to shift back, but I couldn't remember what my human body looked or felt like. I curled myself around her sleeping shirt, trying to find some comfort in her scent. I knew I had no right to seek solace from anything of hers, not after what I did. I whimpered as I smelled Quinn and my son, the mate I will never have, the son I will never raise.

I howled until I had no voice left. I was trapped in this body, just like all the other raving mad werewolves, I was a Raver now.