***Note: This chapter is a bit longer than my usual chapter. Early warning: might want to prepare tissues just in case. This chapter broke my heart as I wrote it. :( ***

CHAPTER 13 – I REMEMBER YOU

I finished cleaning my place and then took a bath and did all the necessary preparations.

I still had a lot of time before I'm meeting Fighter so I thought of going to the Starbucks at the ground floor of the condo to get some caffeine in my system and also get some work done at the same time. The restaurant where I was meeting Fighter was just beside that Starbucks so it was perfect.

Ten minutes later, I was in one of those plush seats and caffeine was running in my veins. I opened my laptop and quickly answered several emails. I had a lot since I didn't work on Friday because of that damned hangover.

Then, I found myself thinking about one of the items on my list of what I want in guys. The one where you can sit in a coffee shop and read a book or work together in silence and it would be comfortable and not at all awkward. If I found that guy then there'd be two of us here.

I sighed. This is not possible at all for now. I changed how I'm playing this game because I've been met with disappointments before. Project Finding Mr. Right is currently on hold, thank you very much. Project No Cobwebs is definitely on.

After firing off several emails, I sat back and took a break. Slowly sipping my coffee, I looked outside the window. A tall guy who passed by caught my eye and I stared at him as he walked. He looked really familiar. I can only see the side of his face though. I thought he was just passing by but he turned by the entrance and walked in.

That brought him facing me and I choked on my coffee as I saw his face clearly.

It was my ex. College ex.

I did a double take and wished my vision could zoom in so I can make sure it really was him. We were together for almost two years. It was one of the hardest breakups in my life. It was harder than that time I found out my fiancé cheated on me and got another girl pregnant.

He walked towards the counter and I still couldn't help but stare. He looked really good, except for the dark circles under his eyes. But that was to be expected, I guess, since he's now a lawyer.

He had the same messy, black hair which looked like someone just ran their fingers through it. The same thick brow. The same slanted eyes that showed his Chinese heritage. I noticed he also looked a bit bulkier now. Was he working out? He was on the lean or thin side back when we were studying. His face looked tired but it was as if he hasn't aged over a day the last time I saw him... and that was more than five years ago.

At the thought of this, I quickly retrieved my compact powder from my bag and stared at the mirror. What will he see when he looks at me? Will he see wrinkles that weren't there before? Did I age too much? Did I look different? Did I look sad and desperate?

But I guess this is a moot point. I won't let him see me. I hope he picks a table far from me and then I will pack my things and quietly slip away.

What a coward.

I snorted. It's not actually being a coward. It's being smart and picking which battles to fight.

Besides, what do you say to an ex when you see him again? You can talk about the most basic things like the weather and it would be one of the most awkward conversations you've ever had in your life.

A lot of time has passed and we're different people now. I know for a fact that he has a girlfriend now and they've been together for several years. Kari told me all about this when he started dating that new girl. Kari said they were one of those couples that posted everything on Facebook. They posted sweet pics together, posted sweet stuff on each other's walls, tagged each other in those little articles you share, etc. They were that couple that makes you gag with their sweet, lovey-dovey posts and so you just hide them on your newsfeed so you don't vomit every single time.

But at one point in time, we were that couple.

When we broke up, I hid him on my Facebook news feed. We were still friends but I unfollowed him so I don't see any of his posts.

The thing with exes is that once it's over, it becomes this sort of battle on who gets to live a better life. Why? It's because there's this notion that if you look happier, have a better job, got a new relationship faster, etc. that you're the one better off after the breakup. It's like letting your ex know that your life became better without him or that you've just proven that you've gotten over him and moved on.

I didn't want to fight that battle. I just wanted to move on and live my life and not have to outshine somebody or prove something to someone. Another reason was that I didn't want to be bitter if I see that he was the one who lived a better life without me in it.

I looked at the counter again and he wasn't there anymore. Panicking, I scanned my surroundings. I saw him several tables away. I let my gaze linger as memories of our past rose to the surface.

He was the last guy I gave a hundred percent of my heart to. He owned all of it at one point in time and when we went our separate ways, he took a huge chunk of it with him. Not only that, he'll forever be my first. I didn't only give him my heart. I gave him my virginity as well.

Our culture is still a bit backwards in this sense. A huge number of society still frowns on couples having sex before marriage. People asked you to wait and to give your virginity to your husband during your wedding night.

That was taught to me as I grew up. It was said by priests at church during mass. But when I met him, I thought he was my forever. I loved him and he loved me. Sex became part of our relationship and it made us feel closer. Back then, I didn't give a damn about what society thought. He was going to be my husband one day and we just started things early.

There was this time wherein we had a pregnancy scare. I took one of those home tests and we both waited anxiously for the result. It was negative. But when I came out of the restroom, I told him it was positive just to tease him. I now realize it's a horrible joke because he could've died of a heart attack right then and there.

But he was not like other guys who freaked out. No. He was different.

When I told him it was positive, he quickly pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight. He told me that the timing wasn't that great but we'll make it work. He told me he'd drop all his subjects and quickly try and find work so that we can save up for the birth of our baby.

Hearing him say that, I cried. He thought I was crying because I didn't want to be pregnant.

When I told him it was actually a joke but that I loved his response and know that I can count on him not to run, he glared at me and didn't talk to me for an entire day.

Suddenly, the guy in my memories looked up and our eyes met from across the room. I quickly looked away and acted like I was studying one of the displays near the window.

What a stupid, stupid move, Lex!

Can this soft couch please swallow me whole now? Can I blend into the upholstery and hide forever? Well, there's a chance that he didn't recognize me. I looked at my watch and noted the time. Five minutes after, I'll leave. Just so that if he did recognize me, it won't seem like I'm running away like a big coward.

I turned back to my computer and tried to focus on answering my emails again. I guess I could finish two and then leave. Just like always, I needed to hide behind my work again. I'm beginning to realize that maybe work is my other half. There might be no Mr. Right but there's definitely a Mr. Work.

I was almost finished with my second email when I saw a pair of legs near my table. I looked up and met his gaze.

"Alexis?" he said tentatively.

My jaw fell open. It was him. College ex.

"Err. Hi!" I greeted.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked. I shook my head and he sat.

"It's a surprise seeing you again after all these years."

I laughed nervously. "Same. How have you been?"

"Doing great. How about you?"

"I'm good as well. Congratulations on passing the bar exams, by the way."

He smiled and my heart did this little somersault. I always liked his smile. The only thing I loved more than his smile was the way he smelled. He always smelled super good. When we were together, I loved cuddling up to him and burying my nose in his shirt. When we broke up, I missed that scent so much that I bought the same cologne he used and sprayed it all over my pillows.

Up until now, several years later, I still spray my pillows with his scent.

"Thank you. And I heard you run your own company now?"

Not just one. A chain of successful companies, in fact.

But I didn't say it out loud. I wasn't going to be that girl who bragged to her ex. And I wasn't going to turn this into a battle of who moved on better. Because clearly, that was a losing battle for me. I was still single as fuck and he was happily in a relationship.

"Thanks. Haha. I guess we made our dreams come true."

He nodded and sipped his drink. "Cheers to that."

He dreamt of being a lawyer. I dreamt of being a successful businesswoman. Now, we both achieved those things. Back when we were in college, we thought it was going to be forever. We made plans to get married the moment he graduated law school. We promised each other that no matter how busy we got after college, we would always stick together and weather life's storms. We even planned out our children's names.

But I guess shit happens.

The fights got more and more numerous. It took a toll on us. We both changed and we started drifting apart. We broke up and got back together several times. Until one day, we didn't anymore. That was because he already found this girl he was dating.

But I'm not putting the blame on that. I guess it just came to a point where the love we had for each other was gone. I fell in love with someone too. And he also thought that was a betrayal. And up until this day, I still blamed myself. The difference between us was that I came crawling back. He accepted me but things were never the same. I tried hard and gave it my all. When he found his girl, he didn't come crawling back. He chose her and fought to keep her.

I did it first but he did it for keeps. She wasn't a fling to him.

"What were you thinking about?" he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I blushed and looked away. "Nothing."

He grinned. "You still have this faraway look into your eyes. Usually, that meant the thing you're thinking of isn't good at all," he said.

He talked slowly as though the memories were also coming back to him just now. I felt the same way. It was like I had all these memories locked up in a box and I opened that box again for the first time in several years. It felt like everything was shiny and new again and that there were things in there I didn't even know I had.

"Are you seeing anyone now?" he asked me. And there it was. Now this conversation just got even more awkward.

Should I lie and say yes? That I'm happily dating my Mr. Right?

Should I say no, which is technically the truth, but will make me lose the battle of who lived a better life?

I chose the truth. "No," I answered. "Been really busy. How about you?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

"Yes. We've been seeing each other for a few years now."

"Oh that's good! Glad you're happy," I told him.

This was honest truth. I was happy for him. A lot of years passed and with it came maturity. Maybe if this conversation happened a few months after we broke up for good, I would've thrown a tantrum and thrown back all the promises he made to me. I would've cried and accused him of betraying me. But now, I'm happy for him.

Here was a man who loved me with all his heart. Here was a man who bought me books I wanted to read back when I still didn't have money. Here was a man who held me in his arms when the stress of studying became too much.

He deserved to be happy.

We were silent again for a while. I guess we were both reminiscing our past. Now that the box was opened, all its contents were spilling out.

I remembered all the poems he wrote for me. I remembered our first kiss and how we loved to hold hands wherever we went. I remembered how he made me a pink origami of my favorite flower, a stargazer. I remembered how he wrapped his jacket around me when we were soaked in the rain and carried me on his back as he waded through waist-deep flood. I told him he didn't have to do that because I was already wet from head to toe anyway but he told me he wanted to do it for me.

I remembered how I cried when my parents didn't allow me to go to a friend's 18th birthday where I was supposed to dance as part of her cotillion. When I told him that, we went to the quadrangle that night and he placed one earphone in my ear, the other in his. Then, he played the song 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing' by Aerosmith on his phone and we slow danced to its tune without feeling shy or embarrassed that people were looking at us like we were crazy.

Back then, it was only us and nobody else – him and me against the world.

Just like I remembered the good, I remembered the bad as well. These were much deeper in the box though. When you try and forget an ex lover, you bury the bad and you hold on to the good. This is what prevents you from being bitter towards the relationship.

I remembered the fights, the shouting, the accusations. I remembered how everything became a contest between us. I remembered how he begged for me to take him back at one point and how I begged for him to take me back at another. I remembered my spoiled tantrums and his hot-headed moments. I remembered all the pain.

I closed my eyes and shoved all those memories back in the box where they belonged.

"Listen, Alexis. I don't really know how to say this but I'm sorry for all that happened in the past."

Tears pooled in my eyes. I should be the one saying those words. But right now, I can't say anything because I was trying so hard not to cry.

"I know I made all those promises and then turned my back on you," he continued. I shook my head. "It's not your fault. It was me who betrayed you," I whispered. While I said this, my mind played back the scene of him shouting at me in the middle of the restaurant that I had betrayed him and fell in love with someone else.

"I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for throwing away all that we had. I'm sorry for not fighting more. I'm sorry for giving up. I blamed you then but I understand now it was all on me," I said.

I made the mistake of having a fling with someone during one of our breakups. Everything I'll say to my defense would be wrong here but I guess at that point, I just wanted to feel wanted and cherished again. I wanted to be wooed. I wanted dates to be something special and not just a chore you had to do once a week or once every two weeks.

Even though we weren't technically together then, I believe it was still wrong. I shouldn't have just cut off all communication with him. I should have explained and told him that I thought our breakup was final and I was going to see someone else now. I know now that he believed our breakup then was just another one of those things where we'll get back together in a few days.

"If I didn't drive you away in the first place, you wouldn't have left," he told me.

I gave him a small, sad smile. "We both had our faults. Stop blaming yourself because I'm to blame too. Besides, we've both moved on. Our past is now just a treasured memory."

He blinked. "Treasured? So you don't remember something and think that it's the worse part of your life?" he asked with a nervous laugh.

"Of course not! The good outweighed the bad. And the bad made me stronger and learn to live to be a better person."

"I'm glad you think so. I'm happy I met you, Lex. And I wouldn't change a damned thing."

"Same," I said, grinning.

"There's a question that's been nagging me since I first laid eyes on you here, though."

"Hmm. What is it?"

"Do you think that if we didn't let the fights separate us and if we fought harder for our relationship, we'd still be together right now?"

I flinched. "That's a dangerous question," I said, laughing. "It's one of those 'what if' questions which won't give you anything but heartache and regret. Things happen for a reason, you know. And there are a lot of factors."

He nodded and I continued. "If that one big fight didn't happen and we stayed together, there's still a chance that there was another fight which would've eventually taken us down. Or maybe we would've gotten so busy that we won't have time for each other and drift apart then too. Or maybe I got pregnant at one point and wasn't able to start my own company the same way you wouldn't have been able to study law since you and I would be up all night because of a baby," I answered.

I took a deep breath and sighed. "There are a lot of factors to consider. Also, let's say you and I are still together now. Then you wouldn't have met your girlfriend. And looking at you now, happy and successful, I'd say that she makes you really happy and takes care of you well."

He looked down and smiled. "That she does."

"See? So there's no point asking yourself that question."

"It's just a question, Alexis. And besides, everything you listed was negative. The other side would have been that I learned to manage my temper and that you learned to tolerate me better. I would've made an effort to be that sweet guy that wooed you since I know how much you like romance. I would've helped you with your problems instead of saying mine is always bigger. Maybe by now we'd have been married. And at the same time we've reached our dreams. Maybe by now we're already trying to start our family now that we're in a stable point in our lives."

Inside my chest, my heart broke all over again. Those words were his promises. Ones he never got to keep. Tears started to pool in my eyes again and I tried hard to blink them away.

What he said was the perfect fairytale ending. But this is not a fairytale and not everyone gets to run off into the sunset with their prince and have their happily-ever-after.

I tilted my head to the side and looked him straight in the eyes. "We'll still have that, you know. Just not with each other anymore."

I saw him blink a couple of times as though he too was in a verge of tears.

"You're right," he said.

I finished my coffee and closed my laptop. I checked my watch and it was already ten minutes past the time when Fighter and I should meet at the restaurant. I was already late.

"You're leaving?" he asked.

"I'm sorry. This has been a lovely chat but I have to go."

He stood up and I did as well.

I smiled and offered him my hand. "So, friends?"

He grinned. "You know we can never be friends, Lex. There's too much in our past. And as the saying goes: if two ex lovers can still be friends, it's either they're still in love or they never were."

"Then what are we?" I asked.

He shrugged. "You're the girl I used to love. And I'm the guy you used to love. I loved you the way I knew how. It might not have been enough to see us through but when you think of me and our past again, never doubt for a single second that it wasn't real."

My heart clenched at his words and it felt as if I jumped off a plane with no parachute. I was falling freely and this time no one's there to catch me. I wasn't able to blink the tears away fast enough and one slid down my cheek. He was right. We were nothing but a past love now.

"Now that we've had this conversation, I think the thing that would change is that we don't have to avoid each other anymore," he said. I gave a small laugh. That was true. We were avoiding each other.

Back in college, we had the same circle of friends. Once in a blue moon, we'd meet up. I would always ask my friends first if he was coming so that I can make my excuses if he was. If I learned he wasn't going, that was the only time I came. I guess he was doing the same thing because we've never successfully avoided each other for years.

"I guess you're right," I said.

So now, how do we say goodbye?

Do we shake hands like new business acquaintances?

Do we hug like old friends?

Do we kiss like old lovers?

"So, this is goodbye?" he asked me.

I nodded. This is definitely goodbye. Not just in the literal sense but also some sort of closure for us and for our past love. Not everyone gets this sort of closure. I was lucky to have this. Now, I could seal that box of bad memories again so that I could open the box of good memories once in a while without the bad tainting it even a bit.

"It was nice seeing you again. I hope you find more success and happiness," I told him. I held out my hand and waited for him to shake it.

He looked at my hand. The few seconds he didn't move to shake it almost made my heart break all over again with rejection. Was he brushing me off?

Finally, he took my hand. But he didn't shake it. Instead, he pulled me closer to him. When I inhaled next, I smelled his sweet scent again and that alone made another tear slide down my cheek. I so missed this. I missed him.

His scent, his presence, and all the memories that was brought back was too much for my already bruised and battered heart. I can't take more of this or I'll break and ask him to take it back. I know it's not rational but when you're in the middle of a moment like this, nothing is.

"That's not how we say goodbye, Alexis," he whispered. Then, he pulled me closer and bent his tall frame. My eyes widened then squeezed shut as I thought he was going to kiss me. Part of me wanted to feel that again. The other part knew it would be wrong.

Instead, I felt his lips on both my cheeks, kissing away the tears that fell.

Then, his lips lingered on my forehead. He pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes.

"I hope you find someone who'll be there for you and be able to keep all his promises. Someone who'll love you more than I ever did – and that's a huge challenge because I don't think anyone can love you more."

By now, the tears fell freely. He was right. After him, I never found someone who I loved enough to give all of my heart to. I almost got married, yes. But as Lex said, my ex fiancé was my rebound and she didn't think I truly loved him with all my heart. I never told her this but it felt like I could breathe again when he cheated, got another girl pregnant, and we broke off the engagement.

"That is how we say goodbye," he whispered.

I nodded and gave him the biggest smile I could muster.

Then, I picked up my things and walked away with tears blurring my vision – trying my hardest to not look back as I heard Katy Perry's song over Starbucks' radio.

"In another life, I would be your girl
And we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world...
In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away...

The one that got away."

***********************

Excuse me. Brb. Bawling my eyes out.

I didn't prepare enough tissues.

If this was a chapter in my own life, I'd call it: The Conversation That Never Was.

Hope you enjoyed reading the long chapter! And please don't forget to vote and comment! <3