My name is Adam. And I don't know what you've heard, but yes. I'm a dreamer.

I always have been. It's probably the reason that I've been able to stay alive for so long. I always have something to look forward to, you know? Even if it's ridiculous, or far fetched, or downright impossible. It's still something to keep me going.

And even though the dreams I have are unbelievably stupid sometimes, I still chase them. Always.

Because if I keep chasing my dreams, maybe my nightmares will get tired of chasing me.

I know what you're thinking: "You can't keep running," "Face your fears!" or: "Fleeing your insecurities is no safer than outright exposure. The fearful are caught just as much as the fearless,".

To which I say: Put the goddamn fortune cookies away. I didn't come here to listen to you. Call me crazy, but the only reason you're here is because you wanted to know what I had to say, for God knows what reason.

So there, can I continue now?

It all traces back to Allura.

I can stop moving. I can stop looking at my phone. I can stop letting my myself give in to the darkness. But I can't stop Allura from finding her way into my thoughts.

Even just her memories have that effect on me, where I have to keep moving. I have to check the blank screen of my phone. Or else I know there will be nothing left of me, and I will once and for all fall prey to the overwhelming darkness.

The nighttime is the time that most people sleep. I sleep at night too. Just not a lot, since I only ever seen to have nightmares.

They aren't that bad, really. But I'd much prefer to stay awake... in this nightmare that is life.

Today, I feel like an observer in my own body, as I stop and stare at the swing set, I happened across on my midnight stroll.

I can't help but take a seat. It's hard to have angry thoughts on a swing.

To be perfectly honest with you, I've got no idea where I am. How could I, having just been switched to a different foster family.

They didn't say much about why I was leaving. Just something about: the last was chipping away at my will. Or was it their will? I don't know. Someone's will was biting the dust. If they were talking about me though, they were definitely on to something.

It wasn't the last family's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. The only one to blame was the dream.

I found her without even really trying. Allura. I fell for her out of the blue. Her long black hair and dark eyes, yes. But also the way she made me feel seen. She made me feel hard (Typo, my bad. That was supposed to say 'heard').

But she never returned the feelings. I thought it was because we hadn't really known each other all that long, but she told me later it's because she was going to have an arranged marriage.

Have you ever loved someone that you knew you could never have? If you haven't, there isn't a way to explain the feeling. It's one of the worst you could ever stomach. To love someone, and know that you'll have to watch them go on with life... with someone that isn't you. Have a wedding that isn't yours. Have children that don't share your blood.

Am I getting ahead of myself? Definitely. That's what dreamers do.

I remember asking "Okay, than what kind of person will your parents find for you? A rich guy? I'll make money. Famous? I'll get a name for myself. Do they want me to be Catholic? I don't have a religion. Now I'm Catholic,"

"You can't do that," she told me "You can't change yourself for someone else,"

"Watch me," I told her, desperate. "You're the only person I feel like really gets it Allura. The only one who sees me,"

"I can't Adam. I can't explain it. I can't love you because I'm going to marry someone else. I don't want you to get your hopes up, because it won't work. I don't want to be the one to hurt you like that," she told him "I care about my family. And if they want me to marry someone for them, I will,"

"But what about love, Allura?"

"Love isn't enough,"

Those words still ring in my head. Love isn't enough.

She's wrong. Love is always enough. Love is the one most important thing in this world.

Allura isn't the only scar on my battered heart, but she is the freshest. The worst part is that she said she didn't love me because of her arranged marriage. But I never got the chance to ask if she'd have loved me without it. 

If there was one thing I wanted to know in this life, it was that. If she had the choice, would she have given me a chance? Did she, deep down, have any feelings at all for me, despite the arranged marriage?

As far as I can tell, she never gave a damn about me. The best thing she had to say about me before I left is that she liked that I was a dreamer. She never told me if she enjoyed my company. She never told me if I made her laugh. She never told me if I made her days even a little brighter. She only said that she liked what had gotten my heart broken in the first place.

I wish I had gotten all those answers. I wish I knew if she even cared at all. I wish I knew if she was ever even going to think of me again.

I wish. But that's a dream I know better than to chase.

To be honest, I have lost faith in my dream. The one dream that's been with me through it all. I have always wanted a girl to love. To love me. To share love. I want someone who wants me just as bad as I want them.

But that's impossible. It's never going to happen. That dream has been crushed a thousand times over.

Not because of me. No. They swear that it's never my fault. That's what they all say: "There's nothing wrong with you. You're lovely. You're sweet. You're so caring. I just can't love you. I don't want to hurt you,"

Nobody understands that it hurts way more that nobody gives me a chance. Nobody is willing to love me, because I'm... too loveable? I want to love someone with everything I've got inside. I want to cuddle her, and kiss her, and give her gifts and sweet gestures... I want to do everything for her.

But nobody wants to be the Cinderella to my Prince Charming. Nobody will ever give me a chance. All I want is love.

Why does it feel like I'm trying to chase the horizon on a treadmill, when it comes to that dream?

I wonder if Allura is thinking about me...

***

That's chapter one.

Tell me in the comments, are you a dreamer too? What's the dream?

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