*the song above reminded me of Caspen (Collin & Aspen) so ofc i had to share it with y'all*

16 |

temptations

Avoiding certain people or situations whenever I felt like it has never been a problem to me. And this time isn't much different.

I'm not separating myself like I was two days ago, the day I transferred back, but I'm certainly not too keen on pretending that I'm big on keeping up with all the pointless conversations as if I Jade didn't set off a bomb inside me when she told me the truth about Courtney.

I feel like a piece of shit. For not remembering, for not doing anything, for everything.

That's why I told her about the suspect list and the rest of the files my father has been keeping under a lock inside his office, regarding Courtney's case, and also made her promise that the whole thing will stay just between the two of us. For now, at least. I never thought I would be saying this, but Jade is actually the only person I trust enough at the moment. She can be difficult most of the time, and we banter back and forth a lot but it has always been like that. Sometimes I think Jade gets off on creating drama and conflicts all around her, but I'm not exactly in the position to judge her since my own behavior has been leaning toward problematic side more than anything she has ever done, as far as I know.

She's been mean to me, almost to the point of cruelty, ever since I came back, but I'm glad for it. If it's her way of showing that she cares, then I'll take it, because as hard as it is to admit, I desperately need someone to care about me enough to want to yell some sense into me.

I'm also grateful she's giving me free rides home from school, even though her house is on the other side of the city. Cassidy has offered to take me home several times as well, but after the kiss, and then the fight that went on down between us last weekend, I don't exactly feel like being alone with her is a good idea. I know she's just trying to be friendly, to fix things between us, and distancing myself from her might seem like an asshole move, but I don't want to risk hurting her even more than I already have if she tries something again.

These days, I like to be by myself the most. I don't have to put up a front, or keep on with the act when I'm alone, and even though I still haven't moved back home with Mom, Rose and the twins, coming here feels comforting. Even if it means coming back to my father's house. I'm not as bothered by living here as I was a week ago, but I know it's mostly because I'm moving back home tomorrow. Not even twenty-four hours till I see them again after nearly two goddamn weeks.

That's the thought that makes unlocking the door and turning the knob much easier, and I know that the second I get inside my room, I'll start packing up my shit. Timothy's throwing a party tonight, which is not surprising, because he has one nearly every damn Friday, but honestly, I don't feel like going.

Partly, it's because I'm scared there will be too many temptations for me, and I won't be strong enough to resist. Partly, it's because I've grown sick of seeing Aspen ignore me, and suddenly acting as if Timothy was her other kidney. I'm not jealous. I'm just pissed off. Because, yeah, I'd been acting like an asshole, and yeah, I hung out with Brad that is apparently her mom's boyfriend from what I've found out, but she has no reason to cut me off entirely, refusing to even as much as look at me.

But mostly it's because I don't know how I feel about all of them keeping the whole thing around Courtney hidden from me. Those people, those people are my friends, but are they really?

I'm in such a rush to get upstairs to my current room that when I hear my father's voice out of the living room, saying, "Collin?" my heart nearly jumps out of my chest.

But I stop. And turn around to face him, trying to figure out why the hell is he home so soon. School just let out, it's three in the afternoon, and most of the time, he's not home till six or seven. But then I notice he's not alone. There's a woman, around his age probably, with brown hair pinned away from her face in what seems to be some kind of ponytail. As I look her up and down, noticing her formal attire, blouse and black pants, her deeply brown skin and eyes that seem black, I hope to hell this is not what I think it is, because I'm not ready for another bomb to drop.

She steps in front of my father, a warm smile crossing her face, before I get to do anything else, and holds her hand out to me. "Hey, Collin. I'm Doctor Aysha Jones. I'm very pleased to finally meet you."

A doctor? Perplexed, I try to catch my father's gaze, but his expression is not giving out anything. No explanation, no anything. I'm all by myself once again.

As confused as I am by what's going on, I don't want to seem outright rude, so I force myself to move and shake my hand with Dr. Jones, or Aysha or whoever this woman is. Although, however much I want, I can't force any words out of my mouth. I don't like surprises.

"Your father called me to here for a session. A more private one, without anyone interrupting us." Dr. Jones tells me and I can't help but wonder what the hell she's talking about. "What session?" I ask her, stepping back a little as I fire my eyes back to my father, who still has that same blank, uninterested expression plastered over his face.

Dr. Jones sighs a little, as if she expected this to not go smoothly, then says softly, "The hospital you were staying at wanted to schedule several cognitive rehabilitation sessions because of your brain injury back when you were staying there, but your parents decided it would be better if you had some time to acclimate yourself before taking things any further, so we left things open and I told your father to call me once he thought you were ready to talk."

I understand what she's just said but it feels as though my brain has trouble processing it. I knew about the cognitive rehabilitation being an option, but now this . . . whatever it is, seems like an arranged thing. It feels as if they were pushing me against wall, cornering me, without giving me any way of escaping.

"There's no need to worry, Collin," Dr. Jones cuts in before I can respond, "I know this all might feel like a bit too much right now, but it can only get better from here. Our session today is going to be just an initial one to see where you are currently standing, and we're going to be just talking. You don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to."

Her big black eyes are blinking up at me, wanting me to understand but what she doesn't understand is that I don't want to do this. There's too much going on in my life right now, and I know she's just trying to help, but I don't have the energy to be trying with her.

Dr. Jones turns her head to my father and he nods silently before brushing past me. "I'm going to be in my office," is the only other thing he has said except my name in the past ten minutes, and then, he disappears upstairs.

Leaving me with Dr. Jones alone in the middle of the living room.

"Can we?" she extends her hand toward the couch, waiting for me to sit, before she does the same. I'm sitting on the big couch and she's sitting on the smaller sofa chair across from me, the table between us creating a somewhat of a protective barrier. Or at least, that's what it feels like to me.

She looks comfortable, completely in her element, but I'm anything but. Despite how desperately I want to push the tension enveloping my body away, I just can't do so. I want to get out of here, and go upstairs to pack my stuff, and then get ready for Timothy's lame party, but I know there's no way I'm getting out of here before the time of this stupid session is up.

So I just sit there, for what feels like several endless hours, even though it's just not even an hour yet, and listen to Dr. Jones' talking and asking me stuff.

I answer some of her questions, mostly the absolutely basic and pointless ones, but mainly, I'm silent, fidgeting with my hands in my lap and counting the minutes go by in my head.

It's not that I don't want to talk about all the shit that's been constantly on my mind these past few days. It's just that I don't want to talk to her.

She's a stranger. I've known her for hour at most, and there's no way opening up to someone like her would help me figure things out.

There are people I want to talk to. People I desperately need to talk to, but unfortunately, those people either don't want to talk to me specifically, or don't want to talk things out at all.

Timothy and Aspen are just a fragment of the complicated mosaic. And tonight, no matter how much they might want to avoid me, I fully intend to finally talking things out with at least one of them.

After all, that's the only reason why I've even agreed to come to Timothy's party in the first place.

Jade picks me up five excruciatingly long hours later.

I'm on edge even before I'm fully inside her Range Rover because of number of reasons, the two-hour-long nap I took earlier not helping at all.

"I don't mean this in a rude way," Jade starts as soon as the passenger door slams shut behind me, "but you look like shit. You could've put at least a little more effort into your appearance tonight."

A few weeks ago, this kind of remark would be enough to push me into a pointless banter with her. But I don't have the energy for that anymore. "I'm glad you pointed that out, Jade," I snort, snapping the seat-belt into its place, "I wouldn't have noticed otherwise."

I don't look at her and keep my gaze on the front, though I still see her roll her eyes out of my peripheral vision. "Whatever," she sighs dramatically, bringing the engine to life and I can't help but think how fucking ridiculous we are.

We are doing it again. Not talking. Pretending that what she told me two days ago never really happened. That the breakdown she had never really happened either.

It makes me mad. Because how the hell are we supposed to fix anything if we keep on pretending this way?

I don't feel the need to talk to her, and she apparently doesn't either, because we're both silent up until Timothy's house comes into view, the gate kept open, and Jade drives in, smoothly parking the car on the side of the house.

She cuts the engine off and gets out, still without saying a single word, though she lingers by the car, waiting for me.

Flicking my eyes to the side mirror I try to catch a glimpse of my reflection, because I can still hear Jade's words and now I'm starting to regret I didn't go all out and tried to make myself presentable. I do look like shit. My hair hasn't been washed in two days and even though it's not greasy, it's starting to flop over my forehead in this not-exactly-cute way. I attempt to fix it at least a little by running my fingers through it, but it's not much of a help. Not to mention the dark circles under my eyes that have been basically part of my face for the past few weeks now. I don't recall being insomniac before the accident, but ever since then, there had been more sleepless nights than not.

I know what would help. I know what would instantly make it all go away.

But after finding out what happened to Courtney, I've decided that I want to do better. I want to try to get better, despite how hard it might be to resist the temptation.

There's an abrupt knock against the glass of the window, startling me out as Jade groans impatiently,"Staring at yourself in the mirror is not going to make it any better, Collin. Just get out already."

"Alright, alright," I sigh loudly, pushing the door open. I hate how anxious I suddenly feel about being here. I fear that I won't be able to keep on with the promise I gave myself earlier, and will end up just like I did any other previous time. Drunk and high out of my mind. Completely wrecked and spaced out. What if I'm not strong enough to resist? What if I'm not strong enough to say no to pills, or a smoke? I know that it won't be exactly difficult to get to any kind of junk once we get inside, and that's what freaks me out so much because I don't want to mess this up.

Jade has probably said something because she's staring at me with a puzzled expression, her thick dark brows knitted together.

"What?" is the only thing I deem appropriate to ask as I rock back and forth on my feet a little. I'm so fucking nervous that I'm surprised that I'm not completely drenched in sweat yet.

"I said, um," nearly mirroring me, Jade steps from one of her foot to another, watching the movement of her feet in concentration, "that I'm glad you're here. With me."

She still hasn't looked up at me, and I'm getting a feeling that admitting something like that out loud must be agonizing for her. Jade is not the kind of person you hear 'thank you's or apologies often from. She rarely even expresses her feelings, so I figure this is a huge step for her.

"You're welcome," I tell her, giving her a small smile as I push my hands into the pockets of my black jeans. It's starting to be pretty chilly outside now that we're almost at the end of November.

I know Jade much better than to expect a smile in return from her, and true enough, she shakes her head abruptly, as if she was trying to get back to the image she has created for herself, saying, "I didn't say 'thank you', Collin."

And it's so what I was expecting that I can't help but throw my head back and laugh out loud as she spins around and starts walking toward the house. "But you so wanted to."

And although she's several feet ahead of me, she manages to flip me off. Still, it's not enough to stop me from laughing, and by the time I join her by the door, I can see she's not far from losing it with me.

Fortunately, the door swings open just then, though it's not Timothy who greets us, but rather a totally random chick that seems to be already beyond the point of tipsiness. I can tell because she doesn't even say anything, besides grinning at us a little foolishly, and then nearly trips over her own shoes as she steps aside to let us pass.

I'm not sure where to go from here. The only thing I know is that I want to find either Aspen or Timothy and finally clear some things up with them, because that's the only reason why I'm willingly putting myself into this extremely tempting situation, but after ten minutes of searching the ground floor of the house alongside Jade, it's starting to look like the two of them are nowhere to be found.

Upstairs is off-limits for most people, and I'm debating whether to check out the possibility of them being there, but there's something inside me, something that I can't quite pinpoint, that's preventing me from doing that.

And so hour goes by, and I'm more anxious than ever because I still haven't seen either of them ever since we arrived and it's starting to mess with my nerves. Who the hell does host a party without being present? Timothy was fucking adamant about throwing this stupid party, so he should be here, keeping us company. Not wherever the fuck he is.

Jade is sitting on the couch next to me, chatting to some girls that are sprawled across the other half of the couch. She makes an effort to check in on me every few minutes, and I notice she doesn't look far from bored either. The loud beats of the music are what I try to focus on for now, but it's getting harder and harder to keep my ass seated in place, when the counter directly in front of me is almost crushing under the amount of alcohol bottles displayed there. I'm on edge once again, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take before I snap.

"Want some?" Jade nudges me in the side of my body, drawing my gaze away from the kitchen, and when I look in her direction, the first thing I'm met with is her extended hand, a lit cigarette grasped between her fingers.

The smoke fills my nostrils and I can't tear my eyes away from the ash at the tip for a few seconds, but then I'm snapped back to reality and look at her with confusion.

"What?" she asks once she sees my expression, cocking her subtly to the side, "You are fidgeting, Col. It'll calm you down a bit."

Her tone is patronizing, but somehow still so casual, and I'm still so stunned that I can't stop staring at her.

"Gosh. Stop killing me with your eyes." Jade comments, drawing her hand away from me and placing the cigarette back to her mouth, "It's just a goddamn cigarette. It's not like you haven't done worse."

And that is exactly the problem. I know it's just a cigarette, but I can't comprehend how after everything, she is still absolutely okay with offering me one. She knows how thin the line is for me, how it starts with 'just a cigarette' and maybe a couple of shots, too, and then quickly turns into joints and lines and pills, and whatever fucking else.

She knows how bad it gets, because she's been around handful of times when I had overdone it and experienced a bad trip, or even had a seizure, and one time she even slapped me for being so pathetically selfish and careless. Which is all the more of a reason why I feel so uncomfortable with her sudden change of demeanor.

I don't feel comfortable sitting here anymore. Well, I never did in the first place, but it's even worse now, and the only thing I want to do is to get as far away as possible so I can collect myself a bit.

"I'll be right back," I feel the need to mutter as I push off the couch. Jade's eyes are on me, watching me carefully, but I don't give her much of my attention before picking the half-empty cup of water I'd poured myself half an hour ago off the table, and heading off.

It feels suffocating to be here among everyone else from school and I just need a few minutes alone. That's why I go straight upstairs, stepping over the wooden stair barrier that Timothy puts up whenever there is a bigger number of people partying in here. It's supposed to be a warning sign, to prevent people from scattering around the upper floors of this huge house, but I don't think it's working that much since I spot a few people as soon as I reach the first floor. There are two girls sitting on the ground, talking, and then there's a couple in the far corner that seems to be making out, but I just brush past all of them and stop in front of the bathroom door instead.

I knock three times because I don't want to barge in on anyone, but it's silent, so I figure the bathroom must be empty.

It's dark inside when I crack the door open, and it's still dark when I close the door behind me, leaning against it and exhaling a big breath. For some reason, I don't feel like switching the light on. I enjoy the darkness, and I definitely enjoy the silence, until suddenly, there's a loud thump echoing through the space, immediately followed by an awful sound of retching.

Startled, I reach for my phone and light the bathroom with the flashlight.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting to see, but once the light spreads around me, there's no mistaking that the girl kneeling in front of the toilet, tightly clutching the flushing bowl while her short, messy strands of hair with dark blue ends fall in front of her and cover her face, the girl that's practically gagging her entire stomach out, is Aspen Cornwell.

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PLEASE VOTE AND COMMENT IF YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER! :)

not gonna babble about anything but i just want to say that i'm hella excited for the NEXT chapter. that's it. now i'm keeping my lips sealed shut. anyway, please let me know what you thought about THIS chapter in the comments below. where do you think Aspen was the whole time? and where do you think Timothy was? is there a possibility they could had been together? what about Collin starting therapy sessions? and what about his new stance toward being clean and keeping away from alcohol and drugs? do you think it'll last?

also, this chapter is not edited yet, so don't kill me if there are too many grammar mistakes, eh?

thank you all so much for reading.

all the love,
Nessa.💕