"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love"

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Zulai

I am standing two steps behind on the time line, watching the world from afar, with my feet glued to the ground. The world went on without me and I didn't care.

Tanimu's words slapped me on the face and grabbed me by the throat and squeezed my heart out. I locked myself up in my room, mourning the loss of my precious relationship with him which was nurtured by true love. I cried morning and night for five straight days.

At first, I didn't believe it was all over and we were not meant to be. But slowly, I successfully drilled it into my head. Though I miss him like an idiot misses the point.

One blessed evening after a long thought, I decided I'll shed no more tears. I promised myself not to feel anything anymore, I am better and stronger than this. Misery and crying doesn't suit me. I got over it in less than a week because I focused on hating tanimu with all my heart.

It is easy to hate, to hurt, to give up, to destroy everything. But it's not easy to love, knowing what kind of pain and sorrow it could bring.

I often tell my friends to Fall in love. Love is not a weakness, it is the bravest thing a person could do. I guess I was wrong, nobody deserves to be hurt in the name of Love. I'd rather be a coward than broken.

I wish all these problems have waited for me, for my innocence and naiveness to fly away. They shouldn't have stricken me like lightening at the middle of my happy life.

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Tanimu

I nursed mystery back to life over the past few days. I haven't played soccer in a while. All I did was eat, sleep and discretely cry a little. I hardly go out of the house

Her words were carved into my skin and running through my bloodstream. My head was twisting and my mouth was sore, and the world felt like a vacuum machine

Zulai was wrong but she was right, I am a terrible person. She didn't know me that well but her words struck me like lightening.

Watching her walk away without even sparing me a glance, with that horrible look on her face was the most painful part of my horrible experience. I broke her heart and she broke mine as well.

I think I fell for a heartless monster, a wolf in sheep clothing, A judgmental, close minded, selfish and difficult human being. Nevertheless, I love her with all my heart, And we love the things we love for what they are.

Zulai is toxic and electrifying, magnetic and poisonous. She is my heroin and I was dying for another dose.

I needed to talk to my mother, maybe she'll be able to help me out and find a solution to my problem. But unfortunately, she's out of town making arrangements for our wedding, A wedding she does not approve of.

My mother doesn't want me to marry Raliyat,  she forbade it. She made it clear that she doesn't want her child to be associated with a prostitute. She said "what if she infects you with a deadly disease, you're too young to die in the hands of a selfish whore. God forbid".

My mother's husband on the other hand wanted this wedding more than anything else in the world. he threatened to divorce my mother if she got in the way. So, she started making arrangements for it as early as possible.

I was left alone in the house with Raliyat, my fiancé and worse nightmare.

While Raliyat was busy preparing for our wedding as I always lay in bed feeling Helpless, hopeless, miserable and alone. I am far away from my loved ones. It felt like I am buried in a dark deadly island alive, left alone with my pain and misery, consuming me like a quick sand.

There was a lump in my throat suffocating me and a deadly headache deafening me. I have never felt this much pain before in my entire life. I wish I had wings, so that I can fly away. I wish I can disappear

I have subjected myself to a fate worse than death. I would never wish this type of pain to even my worse enemy. I am experiencing my worse nightmare, it is indeed an unfortunate experience.

If this is Love, it is a deadly weapon causing an unimaginable amount of pain to an innocent soul.

I then realized that my chances of ever being happy is so rare. Finding happiness would be like trying to find a thin, tiny piece of worn out thread in the dark. I guess happy ever after is all a lie and it only exists in fairy tales. unfortunately, I wasn't enlightened.

This is just a taste of how miserable the rest of my life is going to be if I marry Raliyat. Why did I even promise to marry her? Who was I trying to impress?

I felt like a James dean wannabe, a poet with no poetry, a mediocre hooligan with an empty philosophy.

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