The first time it had happened, Lithium, Celeste had had immediate access to only the best possible care for her unique situation. They had known exactly what had happened, exactly how she ticked, and exactly how to aid in her recovery to a normal state. This time . . . this time she was alone. And the vast expanse of emptiness was clamping down on her like a noose around her neck. A death sentence for what she’d done three days ago, and hadn’t left her room since, despite the visits the Captain paid to her door, asking her to join them for training.

She just laid in bed, unable, unwilling to move. What point was there in movement when she was so irreparably broken and lonely? When she closed her eyes, she could still see the day it had gone downhill. In her mind’s eye, she could still see the water’s underneath the cliff that threatened to rip her apart if she made so much as a single misstep, the foggy roads and woods as she’d trekked back to this tiny town . . .

She could still see and hear Steve’s reaction to her name . . .

~~~

“That’s a lovely name, Lith-, Celeste . . . Why keep it a secret?”

“Because they wanted me to keep it so, and it just became second nature, you know? And if I didn’t, people would know who I am, and if people know who I am then they’ll come after me and they can’t come after me, Steve, they just can’t! Do you know what they’d do to me? I’d be a goner! They’d . . . They’d kill me and rape me or worse! They’d torture me and put me through hell for what I’ve done, but I didn’t . . . I didn’t KNOW what I was really doing, at least not at the time and . . . and Copper . . . Iris . . . She knew . . . She had to have known but she wasn’t going to leave me alone with them and she didn’t want to hurt me because she knew that . . . She knew that I did it for you because I wanted to be like you and she didn’t want to break the gesture I’d made! She was so sweet and smart and she KNEW what they were really doing and she made sure no one ever hurt me and they took her away! How could they take her away, Steve? How could anyone do something that terrible? They’re monsters, Captain!”

Without it fully registering in her mind, she came closer to him and gripped at his shirt, her eyes full of desperation as her breakdown furthered. In her mind, Lithium, Celeste could feel the chemicals start to pump into her veins, but her emotions were out of control at this point, fueled by panic, anxiety and the nightmarish images that had been haunting her since she’d departed with the plan to throw the switch in the lake, and let Hydra think she’d perished.

“They’re monsters and they’ll come for me next! Don’t let them come for me, Captain! Don’t let them put the silver bullets in me! Please don’t! Don’t let them make me a failed experiment! Please! Captain don’t let them! Please don’t let them kill me like they killed Iris! I don’t want to fail her!” Her voice was cracking, tears streaming down her face, the overwhelming force of her emotions that had been suppressed for so long hitting her harder than a speeding bullet, the imagery of which was all too terrifying. “They’ll kill me for what I’ve done! I did it for you and for him! Please don’t abandon me!”

At the time, Steve had assumed she’d meant that she’d done it for and for Sam. What she’d meant was that she’d done it for him and for Bucky. He wouldn’t know the truth for quite some time.

Nonetheless, Steve tried his best to comfort her, taking her back to her apartment and letting her skip training that day. What he didn’t know is she wouldn’t leave her bed for days on end after her breakdown, because the rush of her body’s natural chemicals had triggered a domino effect, and the additives the scientists had given her had been activated as well. Causing her to fall into a deep rut, her will to leave it sapped.

And neither Steve nor Sam had any idea how she’d been pushed into a breakdown of that caliber, nor why she’d come to spend days upon days in her bed, not showing up for practice.

~~~

“I’m telling you, we need to just go in there and break the door down and talk to the girl. Being a gentleman and waiting around isn’t going to work in this scenario. You said the girl had a serious breakdown when you found her, right?” Sam questioned, crossing his arms as the pair stood in the weight room.

“That’s not the point, Sam,” Steve countered. “She needs time to herself, and we ought to give it to her.”

“She’s missing a week of practice. We don’t know what she’s doing. She needs to get back in here. Being alone will get her nowhere. I’m telling you, once in a while, you need someone to stop caring about your sensitivities and just break down doors to make sure you’re okay.”

“I cannot condone you breaking down a door-.”

“Do you really think she’s going to answer it?” Sam argued, raising an eyebrow. “Cap, you’ve been trying to get her out of that room for days, and obviously it’s not working. So now, we do it my way or she’s going to die in there.”

Steve paused for a moment. “You can’t possibly think she’d-.”

“Has she left that room at all in the last three days? No. Does she have more than maybe a couple day’s worth of food in there? No. I’m breaking down that door whether you condone it or not. No soldier left behind, Cap. Just because we’re not on a battlefield doesn’t make it change. Are you with me or not?”

Again, Steve paused, mulling over their options. With a sigh, he gave a nod. “All right. But if you’re wrong and she gets upset, you’re taking the blame. We can’t have her alienate both of us.”

“Too late for that, Cap,” Sam said, striding from the room with a purpose, stepping down the hall a short way, and lifting his foot to the door. With a few cracks and a loud ‘slam’, the door burst open, ricocheting off the wall as it swung open. It had taken less effort than Sam had thought it would. Steve inspected the door from the inside and along the doorway.

“It was unlocked, Sam,” the captain told him. “You could’ve opened it like a normal person.” The ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign that had been tethered to the handle had fallen off in the movement and now lay on the floor.

“Too late, Cap,” Sam replied, striding towards the bedroom, the door cracked open a bit from when Steve had left her to rest the day she’d come back. She hadn’t moved since. The bedroom window was open, allowing the air to circulate, but she hadn’t cleaned herself in days. She’d barely gotten up to use the bathroom. Her hair was in sticky clumps from the heat that had permeated the room around midday every day and a lack of cleansing, her skin was sallowed from a lack of nutrition and dehydration over the past three days.

“Good God, Lithium!” Sam exclaimed, walking over to her at a brisk pace, Steve quickly beside him, taking up the spot closest to Celeste’s face, speaking to her in low tones. Although her eyes were open, her mind was barely processing anything at all. It was like a lag that was consuming her mind and body.

“Celeste . . . Lithium . . . Can you hear me . . . ?” Steve asked, watching her face for responsiveness. Slowly, her eyes rolled up to his face, blinking against the blurs that were dominating much of her vision. She let out a small sound, but didn’t move her mouth. “Sam, get her water now,” he instructed, taking Lithium’s hand into his own. “Celeste, listen to me . . . You’re going to be okay. Don’t give up on me. Focus on my voice. We’re going to make sure you’re okay, all right? What happened?”

That was exactly the problem. Not much of anything had happened. Nothing but the overdose.

Quietly, tiredly, Lithium cursed the members of Hydra for injecting her with this terrible curse, and then thanked them as well. Because they were the reason she’d now met the Captain. Brief flashes of the past few nights came to her as well as she stared at Steve’s face, not saying a thing. She recalled the face she’d seen during the night hours, even though she’d been so depressed it had hardly processed in her mind at all.

Sam came back then with a cold bottle of water, and Steve handed it to her, or, tried. She wasn’t particularly receptive to his efforts to get her to take it. With a sigh, Steve set the bottle down on the bed, sat her up against the headboard, and opened the bottle of water, pressing it carefully to her mouth. A small stream of it slid into her mouth, a few drops slipping out and down her chin. Instinctively, she swallowed the colorless fluid, her eyes blinking a few times as she finally began to focus on the room, actually processing the images that were playing out in front of her. Steve and Sam were in her bedroom, taking care of her, or at least trying.

And the effects of the overdose were smothering. Enough so that it made her want to cry, even though she couldn’t pinpoint the exact reasoning behind it. All she knew was that she felt isolated, alone, with an incredible gaping darkness that separated her from the world, even though she was the only one who could possibly sense it.

The water continued to slip down her throat into her stomach, until her mouth contorted into a frown, more of it dripping out of her mouth and Steve pulled it away as her lips began to tremble.

For the first time in years, Lithium broke down and cried, her heart feeling like it was breaking in the process. She’d kept so many secrets, locked so many doors and thrown up so many walls . . . And the overdose was still so capable of breaking her very will to live that she couldn’t take it anymore. Lithium just wanted to go back to the world she knew, she wanted to live the way she was meant to, bright, happy and for the most part, carefree. Instead she’d been thrown into this world of death, hatred and always trying to hurt others rather than aid them in their struggles. The world was a painful place.

As the sobs broke free of her chest, Sam and Steve waited and listened to her, trying not to feel awkward, and refusing to leave her to fight her silent battles alone.

And outside the opened window, pressed close to the brick walls, balancing tentatively on the thin ledge, Bucky listened to her cries as well, wishing he could be in the room with her, but unable to face his oldest friend when he’d nearly gotten him killed just a few months ago.