Lithium hummed to herself as she walked through the town’s streets, letting herself be absorbed in the small shop windows, the dresses and suits and other pretty things that adorned them the mannequins behind the glass. The cloudy sky matched her mood today. She’d let the chemicals that laid deep inside her brain release when she’d gotten worked up. It didn’t bother her. Right now, the dose was so small that she simply felt a bit numb. After a disagreement with both Steve and Bucky, a dull numbness was welcome. For a moment, Lithium turned her attention down to her nails, and where she’d picked at them, wearing down their length.

        ‘It doesn’t matter, anyway,’ she’d told herself over and over again. With a deep breath, she glanced back up at the glittering necklaces and the eloquent dresses in the window of the shop she’d paused in front of. Each ‘female’ mannequin was displayed next to a masculine counterpart, dressed in a suit with a tie that coordinated with the color of the dress nearest to it. Three sets, three perceived occasions of happiness. Wedding dresses.

        One was accented with a red sash around the waist, one with a blue lace trim that overlaid the bust, and another that was simply an off-white color. It looked it had been slightly tainted in Lithium’s eyes. The sort of dress a less-than-innocent bride would wear. It broke Lithium’s heart to know that with their lives, it was unlikely that any of them would have that happiness.

        But of course, Natasha and Clint had found that flicker of hope and joy in each other’s presence. Somehow, they had even managed a marriage. But Lithium had no such hopes of her own. Especially not after today. It felt like her heart had broken.

        With the streets being nearly empty, Lithium allowed the tune she was humming to slip its way out of her mouth, the dull ache too much to contain. “Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame, where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned, just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, you gotta get up and try, try, try.” Clenching her hands into fists quickly, Lithium took a deep breath and suppressed those emotions of her own will before they became dangerous again. She wouldn’t allow it.

        Not today. Not ever again if she could avoid it. Even now, staring at these glittering gowns, she couldn’t quite decide if she wanted to go back to them. Even as her breath worked its way in and out of her lungs, she wasn’t sure if she could face them again.

        If all else failed, she could go back to Hydra. Not to assert her loyalty, but on a mission that she would never return from. It would be worth her life if it meant she could buy them a bit more time. But would Steve and Bucky care for that time or would they throw it away? After today’s events, Lithium wasn’t so sure.

        ~~~

        “I told you to leave me alone,” Bucky hissed, his internal pain driving him to push Steve away again and again. “What’s done is done. We can’t just go prancing back to before the war like we’re atop some magical unicorns. That isn’t how things work. You can’t be friends with someone who tried to kill you, Steve. Stop trying to make that work. Whatever we were, friends, allies, anything, it’s broken.”

        Lithium froze on the street where she’d been jogging. Just beyond the corner of the brick-walled bar, she could hear Bucky. After a moment, she heard Steve respond to him.

        “I’m not saying we have to go back to exactly the way it was, Bucky,” the captain told him evenly. “I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt to try and repair what we can. We were better as a team, but you’re treating me like the enemy.”

        “We were, Steve,” Bucky repeated, emphasizing what he felt necessary. “We were  a team. That doesn’t mean that we still ARE. I told you to stop pursuing this. We put on a front for Lithium, for Celeste, so that she still finds the need to fight with us without causing those fucked up chemicals in her head to drive her to insanity. That’s all. I don’t know why I need to reiterate this so damn often, we aren’t friends anymore, Steve. I cannot possibly look you in the eye like I used to. You should be disgusted by me.”

        Lithium’s heart caught in her throat. For the last couple weeks, everything had been a lie. Everything had been a cover up. The gamble of orchestrating their reunion had been a crap shoot. And she had lost.

        “You’re my friend, Bucky, how could I ever-.”

        “I am not your friend, Steve!”

        “Even if you insist that, it doesn’t change the past. It doesn’t change everything we faced together. It doesn’t change the fact that you were there for me. It doesn’t change that we are both capable of being gentleman.”

        “You’re ridiculous,” Bucky spat out. “Times have changed.” Even if he didn’t know exactly how they’d changed, the fact that both of them felt out of place haunted Bucky.

        “I saw you kiss her.”

        As if Lithium’s breathing hadn’t been pained enough before, now the act became more shallow, more pained. Steve had seen. But it hadn’t meant anything, had it? As much as Lithium had tried to sort herself out since that day, as much as she avoided such a situation with either the captain or the Winter Soldier since, she couldn’t say for sure.

        Both men had made her feel safe. She trusted both with all her heart. But now . . . Now . . .

        Now it felt like her heart was breaking. As easily as someone taking hammer to a piece of glass. Without waiting, unable to bear another word, Lithium turned and continued her run at a sprint, trying to put as much distance between herself and those two horrid men as she possibly could.

        No gentleman would break a girl’s heart so severely.

        ~~~

        Lithium had decided that she didn’t deserve a gentleman. She was a burden, and therefore didn’t deserve one. If she was to be a burden, then she deserved to be alone. At least then she would bear the load of her self-inflicted burden alone. At least then she would only be a burden to herself.

        With a shaky breath, she turned away from the shop window and continued walking down the street. Today would be different. Today she would let herself be distanced from those she loved, rather than the other way around. Perhaps this was better. If she didn’t care for them, Hydra couldn’t use them against her, or vice versa.

        Lithium didn’t care that she’d missed the rest of practice. Both with Sam, Steve and Bucky for weight training, or with Natasha for stealth training and weapons practice. The world could burn right now for all she cared.

        She kept walking. She kept walking and walking until she reached the outskirts of town, the only thing visible being another hotel in the distance and the road she was following. Quietly, Lithium let herself wonder if anyone would notice that she was gone. She wondered if anyone would come for her. Certainly Steve and Bucky wouldn’t. They were far too busy throwing emotional blows at each other. Sam would always be busy training. Natasha and Clint were too busy wrapped up in each other’s arms.

        So Lithium supposed it was logical that some time would pass before she would be noticed as missing. And by then it would be too late to do anything about it.

        “Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times. Why do we fall in love so easy, even when it’s not right? Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame, where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned, but just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try and try and try . . .”

        Truthfully, the lyrics of the song offered Lithium less solace than they had earlier.