An eternity of grief was said to be one of the loudest and strongest silences ever heard. Deacon's voice wasn't. All he had to do was speak softly and I knew straight away it was him. I felt the embarrassment.

Hiding my face in my hands, his cold form lingered nearby at the table and Pansy blurted out, "You might give her an eternity of grief. No hard feelings though. I didn't think you would be back so soon..."

"None taken. We were better off friends," he responded sincerely, wearing a crisp white shirt with his hands resting in his jean pockets when I peeked over my shoulder. "But this is where I have to talk to Saige alone. If you'll please excuse us..."

Taking a seat down across from me, Pansy picked herself up from her spot, said "got it" with a smile, grabbed her half-eaten banana, and was gone in the blink of an eye before she could finish that sentence. It had something to do with the words she couldn't release, faking everything to be happy to hide inside her fight to cry out. She gave me the 'your hurt, your strength, I admire you' look after the smile prior to her departure from the lunch tables.

Deacon was staring at me with wide, silver eyes, taking Pansy's spot with his bottom planted on the bench and his hands still in his pockets. "There's some things I wasn't aware of before that I should clear up to you now, don't you think?"

Plainly left with the notion that him and Pansy weren't together anymore, I responded, "I wasn't aware of anything in particular."

"I never said anything to you when I left camp. I just dipped out. I didn't know how to react. I just thought to storm off when you and Pansy had talked about her plans to kiss me..."

"I'm so sorry," I said as genuinely as possible. "I didn't know about the kiss, I swear. I was just as surprised as you were. I knew her feelings for you and I was wrong not to say anything."

"But how could you do that to me if you say you love me? How could you hand me off to Pansy like I meant nothing?" Deacon was agitated and upset. He had every right to be.

Those questions agonized me. Why do I always make things complicated? "I still love you. I thought you and I had something..."

I thought that way ever since I met him at the grocery store and chatted with him at the park bench near the pond and then grabbed coffee. Ever since Bones made an appearance and Adam came back into my life, showing up at the mansion to attack us and turning out to be a hunter. Ever since Adam became obsessed and preoccupied with the past together once he found out I was alive, not taking into account that it felt like a lifetime ago for me and I had changed into a new person, and he revealed his true feelings for me. Ever since Adam ran off, I chased after him, got stuck in that metal claw trap, was fighting for my life with Deacon's blood in my veins, then caring for two. Ever since I couldn't let that be the last thing I told Adam—that he couldn't love me and I couldn't love him back because I loved Deacon—He was my friend. They both were. And I couldn't stand the thought of losing either one of them.

I missed Adam. His friendship, his laugh. I may not be in love with him, but I was never going to see him again, just like I would never hug my parents one last time.

With everything that happened, I had pent up feelings for Deacon and Bones.

With everything that occurred, fighting for my life using Deacon's blood, that was dangerous.

And with everything that Pansy and I discussed, the mystery to the fatal flaw in hybrid prevention was something I worried about.

I was concerned for Deacon and what would happen to him. But I couldn't bring that up without bringing up the warlock...

"I thought you and I had something, too," he said without question. He had more to say and I don't think he was preparing me enough for it. I wasn't ready. "I care about you more than anything, but something doesn't feel right. Did you ever feel like our loving each other had something to do with my being your protector? Did you ever feel like it was because we were risking our lives together that is why our attraction was like gravity, electrifying?"

"Yes, I may have felt an instant connection with you," I replied, "But that shouldn't mean anything. I never took any further thought." I wrestled with myself for words. I wanted to make sure he knew how I felt about him. He was saying things I had professed to myself once, words he said with a cold embrace causing me to falter and submit to him. Did he suddenly believe our connection was lost? Was he slipping away? Was that partially my fault for the connection I might have with Ronan?

Pansy's question about what I would tell Deacon about the time I spent here at camp with Bones was uncertain. I wasn't sure what I would tell him. Like Pansy said, he returned unexpectedly and last night's events at the tree stump were fresh, endlessly standing by me. I couldn't deny the connection and what I felt. Similar to the situation with Deacon and Adam, I didn't want to lose anyone I cared about over the feelings I would be admitting for someone else. I didn't want history repeating.

"You didn't know what the meaning of love was until you met me, you said that," Deacon expressed with a hidden demeanor. "I'm questioning if that was a mistake or not."

"You said it wasn't before?" My throat hurt. I wasn't prepared for any of this. Why was he being hoarse? "I never questioned it. I loved you."

His hidden demeanor came out like a second personality, lonely and reluctant. "I wish I didn't let my impulses get in the way. I figured out at the night club, assuming Pansy told you about Vampire Territory, she and I weren't meant to be together. I was quick to let her back in, quick to give it a second chance, and quick to judge you. Everything that happened with her and especially how I treated you—I can't go on as that person. Not even love is the answer anymore. I think what Pansy and I have will always be a friendship and what you and I have to be the works of my protection over you...our protector and protected relationship."

"Do you really believe that?" Thinking back, did I let my impulses get the better of me? With Adam, Deacon, Bones, and with my choice to
choose? Was I expecting no consequences when I acted selfishly on who I could care for, who I could give my heart to, who I could love? I should have never went through with it without an idea of the confusion it could bring. "Are you trying to hurt me, or speaking truth?"

"I'm not trying to hurt you at all. I'm speaking it for acceptance. I need to do it for myself to grow and move on after I heard everything Pansy said. I know she was talking to you about me—saying how great of a guy I was, how I couldn't give you children or grow old with you, how Bones could—I heard all of it. It's the eternity of grief that is my vampirism." I stuttered as his cold eyes crystallized. He was hurting inside just like Pansy was, maybe even more. I hated feeling helpless to the emotions that swirled around in his mind until they took over. He never cared about his immortal life, always treating it as a burden. I didn't want that for him. It seems to take him to scary places and it hurts that everything he thought so far about us was reasonable. What I felt for him could never be erased, but could it really be over for us? It broke me inside he doesn't think he was good enough because he was a vampire and it broke me that he wasn't aware of it and thought he had to clear it up with me.

"But if you remember back to the pond where we formed a bond and every day after that, I do know I could give you what you only imagined in your dreams. I have the potential to give you that and everything you ever wanted—we witnessed that—our moments. You accepted me. We could have left this town together when I first met you and seen the world." He did all of this while reminding me of former times when the sun and sky was beaming down on our faces, spiritual and sane like a god. It was before I knew he was a vampire, before I knew he was one of my protectors, falling incredibly to the way he spoke underneath swaying trees. I could feel that even where we were now, but something had definitely changed since then. "We could still be happy, away from here and away from the crisis of who murdered Evan and your parents. I promised to give you a better journey, but it's all apart of a bigger journey in the end. As long as I got to see your smile, I was more than willing to take you wherever."

It was everything about him. He wore only a shirt with no jacket and it made me shiver in his presence. Like former times, I wanted to let him in, embrace him, but I couldn't. I didn't think I was being honest with myself if I did. "Then why aren't we doing that? Leaving town? If you say I could be happy with you, why are you letting Pansy prove us wrong?"

"Because there's a strong wave crashing on the shore and changing your path. I don't think you belong with me anymore—"

I cut in, "So, instead of everything you just said about dreams, I'm to let you go, leave you behind, my first love, and fall for another?"

He was tender and quick to hold my hand. I was quivering from the numbing touch. To blend in, all ounce of warmth faded to make space for his chilliness. "You won't be letting me go, Saige. The times we had are special." I could feel his kind heart all around me, even if what he was saying was going to break mine. "Just time spent away from you in that club opened my mind to who I need to become and shown me where my true fight is. You're meant for something far greater than I ever was and I can't keep you from achieving it. If what you and Pansy discussed earlier is any indication, maybe you have more than one love..." He was breathing in and out, breathy and loud, our hold battered. "We both know it was meant to be this way, we just weren't ready for it."

My eyes didn't hold back the shock. They were wide open. "I didn't know this was like saying goodbye. This truly hurts." Maybe if I closed them, I could wish the pain away with a spell, but not like this. I had to feel this. I would heal.

Pulling away with icy tears, still holding his delicate hands, he thought he was doing the right thing by setting us free. "I never meant to hurt you with my effort to love you," I conceded.

"I respect you and your decisions. I never thought you were hurting me," he said, silvery like his eyes. "As much as this hurts me, I loved you, too." He was truthful as took his hands away from mine, placing them back in his pockets where we were both seated on the lunch benches, sitting across from each other.

A single tear escaped him before he wiped it away, and prior to saying anything else, there was
an immediate interruption. We were standing up before we knew we had to.

"Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you...been meaning to talk!" Bones said, heading straight for Deacon, probably to confront him about Evan.

Connor was in tow behind Bones like a puppy on a leash. He was stabbing daggers at me with those devilish eyes, so I walked off, and little did I know I would stumble into yet another sticky mess and create conflict I was hoping to avoid.

I questioned what I inspected happening behind the dumpsters nearby. "Andrea?"

Her lips were passionately kissing someone against the old waste-bin with a few plastic bags at their feet. A woman with black dreads had her hands rubbing all over Andrea's blonde buzz. I confirmed it was Nilka, the Jamaican hair stylist, when she leaned her head to spot me.

They were absolutely in love. They had their tank tops halfway down their shoulders, sweat drenching their faces, and before I knew it, Andrea was turning around to wonder why her "babe" stopped kissing her, seeing who was daring enough to intrude.

She shouldn't have been surprised it was me, but at the same time, this wasn't okay to admit. This was our first official encounter since the fight.

I knew in both of our eyes there were things we both regretted, not wanting to dredge up our horrid mistakes. In her eyes she was following her word to leave me alone for Bones. But seeing her with Nilka was pushing it. She watched me walk away.