Verity

Touring has given me a love/hate relationship with commotion.

Imagine this all taking place in the span of a few hours:

Crowds swarming us as we arrived in a new city. Janene and Flora and the venue's staff ushering me through them into the building. This way and that, we maneuver, learn the layout, break, eat. Onto the stage, light check, sound check. Rehearsal. Break. Makeup, wardrobe, meet some fans with backstage passes, media interviews, break, last minute prep, adjustments, questions from the band, from the dancers, from the assistance. Get on stage, transform. Perform.

The order varied, but the elements always remained. I loved it, but dread set in whenever I thought about having to do it all over again. I wasn't sure how long I could live with this pace. Even though the whole process overwhelmed me, I didn't know how to live without it either.

That scared me more than anything, a dependance on running through this ridiculous pattern in a blur of cities. My fans would know if I wasn't on my A-game. I feared the cruelty that came from unintentional but high-profile mistakes. One I thought about often was that I would get on stage and shout "Thank you, Milwaukee," only to realize from the boos of the audience, I was in Chicago. I loved it, loved the adoration of the crowds. But they could do great harm if they turned on me.

As I went through the pre-performance motions at tonight's venue, I wondered if my need to escape yesterday had been because I was exhausted from the push-pull of touring life. But I also needed that push-pull. It infused my life with meaning.

I allowed Flora to take the lead answering questions from stage assistance, let Deedee do my makeup. I let things roll as my mind spun on its gerbil wheel. Constantly turning but going nowhere.

When I was finally ready to get off that wheel, I thought about last night. Running. Shadows deeper than usual. Smells of city and park like I'd borrowed the nose of a dog for the evening. The cool, soft embrace of mud around my toes.

My emotions when Alek had found me—not defeated, but victorious. And then conflicted. Then confused.

But I'd had the last word, making him guess at what I may know about him, that the secrets he held might be mine now too. I had been pretty sure of myself when I boarded my bus and sequestered myself in my bedroom. I would have remained certain today as well, except for one whispered sentence this morning. As I brushed past him, he spoke like he didn't want anyone but me to hear what he was saying. Another secret.

"I am hiding things, Verity. My secrets are meant to keep people safe. Are yours?"

Without acknowledging him, I went on my way, welcoming in the commotion so I wouldn't have to answer his question—to him or to myself. Anything not to think about this. Everyone hid part of themselves. What of it? If Alek was to be believed, his intentions were noble. But the implication of his words was that mine weren't.

Screw him and his judgmental bullshit.

I overcame apprehensions, self-doubt, and my runaway brain so that I could bring joy to people. This, in turn, brought joy to me. How dare he insinuate that I meant anyone harm.

Dinner, wardrobe, an interview with a pleasant but superficial entertainment reporter who spent more time talking about my manicure than my music.

I waited in my dressing room, my fingers dancing over the fabric of my Greek goddess tunic. It was silky smooth, but the strapless bra underneath dug into my sides. It would leave red marks on my skin until tomorrow, when I'd have to put it on again.

"Fuck it."

The head of wardrobe, Cassandra, frowned as I undid the clasps and wiggled until I could pull the torture device out of my outfit from under my armpit.

"Verity—"

"Don't start, Cassandra. A goddess shouldn't be incumbered. Besides, they didn't even have bras in ancient Greece."

"Actually, they did. It was called a strophion."

"Just—" I held my hand up. "That's not the point. I'm going strophion free tonight. Gonna let the girls breathe. I admire your historical fashion knowledge, though."

Fan meetings, autograph signings. The dimming of lights.

They audience was already revved up by the time I walked onto the stage. "Hello Portland."

They cheered. I'd gotten the city correct. I was not disorientated. I knew where I was. This was fine, everything was fine.

I opened my mouth and with the first lyric, my brain calmed. The song took over. Everything was fine.

The motion and melody. The movement of dancers, lights flashing. Beautiful, choreographed commotion.

At one point, turned to the side, I spotted Alek standing near Flora, stage right. Even he seemed caught up in the music.

One song ended. A new song began.

Alek was wrong. I didn't have hidden intentions. I had only this, the desire to perform and then to be left alone. That was no secret, and even if it were, it harmed no one.

We slowed things down. Tonight, I was performing "Warrior's Escape" live for the first time.

I was a wild dancer

He was a true warrior

We dreamed of escaping together

I'd written this song months ago, and now it seemed almost premonitory. I was both warrior and dancer. Two parts of me but only one part would ultimately manage to escape. Who would I be without the other half of myself?

This song shifted and so did the stage, shimmering in and out of focus until a forest appeared around me. No audience, no dancers, nothing but trees and my own voice calling into the wilderness.

I breathed in the woodsy smell. So familiar. It made me think Alek was there. I turned, but if he were, he remained hidden, an unseen presence.

I plucked a clump of tall grass gone to seed and carried the stems down to a babbling brook. Sitting at its edge, I dangled my feet into it, the icy water tingling my toes. As I wove the blades of grass into a loose braid, I wondered when I'd stopped signing. I opened my mouth to add my voice to the sound of water rushing over rocks, but it hung there, open and useless as I stared across the river.

Alek may be an invisible presence, but here, only fifteen feet away, was a very visible one. Golden eyes bore into me until I shivered. This creature made me feel vulnerable, like I was transparent, right down to my soul.

A wolf. White with a speckled grey overcoat. I had no fear of her. This place was my escape. If this wolf was here, she was part of this place and therefore part of me.

The wolf sat down on her haunches and, having tired of looking my way, set her sights towards the woods beyond.

I splashed my feet in the water and let myself simply exist in her presence. This companionship seemed an old one, as though I'd known this wolf since birth. And now, we were two great friends that could enjoy each other's presence without the need to fill time with small talk.

We sat and then, her ears perked. She sniffed the air just as a cedar aroma wafted towards me.

"Damn," I said as the wolf hopped up and disappeared into a patch of ferns. The forest begun to slip away with her.

Alek was behind this, somehow. He ruined everything.

"What the hell?" Trees and brook were replaced with blurry lights and the rafters behind stage. I lay on the ground, my head propped up with something soft. I flailed an arm and hit my pillow, which gave a high-pitched yelp.

Flora.

"Shit, you're awake."

I hadn't been asleep.

"She wasn't asleep, Flora." Alek's voice. Close by.

Turning, I found him on the ground at my side. "Why," I said to him, "do you always smell like the wooden chest my grandma keeps her sweaters in?"

"He has incense, Verity," Flora said.

"I thought it might bring you back." He waved a short stick of it in front of me.

Cedar. "I should have known."

"Known what?" he asked. Brown eyes. Soft and warm instead of the piercing gold of my wolf companion. Yet somehow so much more unsettling.

"Verity!" Janene charged through the rush of people lined up to gape at me. "Oh my God, are you okay? Is she okay?"

"I'm fine." A small lie. I wanted to be in the woods, so the disappointment in being thrust back into my regular life was definitely a bummer. More disturbing, though, was the fact that I didn't seem to think departing my own concert for a mind-trip to reconnect with nature was any big deal. I couldn't bring myself to worry. "I passed out. Probably heat exhaustion."

"You're inside an air-conditioned building, Verity. And it's sixty-five degrees and overcast out." Janene, nudged Alek out of the way so she could be next to me. She took my hand. "I wasn't watching, but I was told that you, in fact, did not pass out. That you just stood there, like you were auditioning for Paranormal Activity. Eyes open."

"I'm not possessed, Janene! I'm...tired, but fine."

She didn't look convinced. "Has this happened before?"

I caught Alek giving Flora a look over my shoulder, his eyes widening. Unfortunately, Janene caught the look too. "Well, shit."

"I doubt it will happen again." I placed an elbow on the floor in preparation of getting myself upright. "I should get back out there. Don't want to leave the crowd waiting."

Janene frowned, then got up without offering me a hand. "I have to take this call. I'll be right back."

"Verity," Flora said when Janene was out of sight. "They cancelled the rest of the show."

"What? Why? I'm fine!" I fought off nausea. "I couldn't have been like this for too long."

"Fifteen minutes," Alek said. "Less than last time. My incense did the trick."

"But the audience saw you," Flora said. "Before Alek brought you off stage, everyone saw you. It's bound to be all over social media by now."

I let out a long groan. This was the sort of thing that would go viral in less than a day.

"It was different tonight." I wasn't ready to share much with them, especially with Alek, but damned if I could keep it all to myself. "The blackout. Or trance or whatever it is."

"How so?" Flora asked.

"I remember where I went."

Alek's brown eyes lost their gentleness. He looked like he was about to salivate. "What did you see?"

"I have news." Janene returned, phone still clenched in her hand. "You're going home and we're getting you a full medical evaluation."

"What do you mean, I'm going home." My hands grew clammy. My heart raced. "What about the tour?"

Janene came over to stand in front of me. "The tour is postponed until we can figure out what's going on with you."

"No! Don't do this Janene. I need the tour, not some physical fitness exam."

"You may not need the physical exam, but you definitely need the psych eval that's going to be part of it."

"I don't have to consent to any of this."

"You do have to adhere to your contract, however. And we have to deal with insurers. This isn't an option, Verity. Do you understand what I'm saying? Get yourself sorted, using medical professionals, or this tour is over. Forever."

___

Author's Note: What is happening here? Where did Verity go? Is this a psychological condition or...? My biggest question is, if Verity is forced away from her tour, what's next for her? Trust me, I have something exciting planned (but she might not see it that way)!

Thank you for your support. This chapter is dropping a bit early as I am going out of town for a few days. To never miss an update, be sure to add THE TRUE ONE to your reading list!