The Truth

Jackson/May 30, 2017

Jackson, barefoot and dressed in only jeans, cringed as he looked at the litter left from the Memorial Day indoor picnic and was rubbing a shaky hand over the top of his pounding head when Carmen's laughter startled him.

"Whoa there, killer, I haven't seen a white man jump like that in a long time. You went pretty heavy on the juice last night. You okay?" she asked in a serious tone, her brows scrunching together, eyes narrowing as she tilted her head to the side and crossed her arms.

He turned away from her penetrating gaze, plopped down on the couch and stared at the mess spread out all through the living room. Empty beer, wine and booze bottles, filthy plastic cups and plates, paper towels, napkins, ashtrays overflowing with cigarette butts, stogies and blunts. He put his hands to the back of his head, closed his eyes and leaned back when something jabbed him in the side. "Shit," he yelled, pulling a red stiletto from behind him and his eyes met Carmen's.

"Humph, don't give me the WTF look. I was in tennis shoes. Maybe you need to go check out what happened in that playroom of yours last night, cause I sure never made it in there."

"Well, there's the problem...I don't know what happened last night. And where the hell's Cliff? Fuck, I wouldn't blame him if he quit."

Carmen smiled and sat gently down next to her longtime friend. "First off, nothing happened last night, except Cliff helping Emily and me practically carry you to bed then we left you two alone and took care of Baker. He wasn't as difficult, thank goodness, at least he could walk on his own."

The memory of Em this morning, telling him that she'd been at Carmen's guesthouse for sex, thumped through his head like a battering ram. "Something went on with you all last night, didn't it?" he asked accusingly, turning his head to glare at her.

Leaning back against the soft cushions, she gave a cocky grin. "Who...Cliff and me?"

"You know damn good and well I'm talking about Emily. You know, the sexy little redhead that went alone with you to your guesthouse. What the fuck happened, Carmen? You've never played outside of the rules before."

She sat up straight and met his glare. "First off, fucker, let me explain something to you. This is no game! We're talking about love coming into the middle of things. I think you both might be in love with the other one and too damn stupid and stubborn to acknowledge it to yourselves, much less each other. So, yes, I did a little experiment. I kissed her. I wanted to see how she'd respond without you being there, expecting a reaction from her. Oh, she kissed me back and it was good, but there was a hesitation there...it wasn't the same as if she were doing it knowing it was pleasing you at the same time.

"And look at you all bent out of shape and jealous acting. What do you think that's all about, Jackson? Like you two haven't even screwed and you were going to go through with a ménage à trois? Or Emily? The only reason she'd do something like that at this point in your all's non-relationship is because of you wanting it."

Carmen stopped as tears pooled in her eyes. She brought a hand up, swiped at her nose then shook her head. "I know. Do you understand I know because that's the way I was with Rafe. It's called love and you and Em need to figure this thing out. You all are so past it all now...the raw sex, her being your sub. Your emotions are too deep...both of yours. You've been too close as friends and know too much about each other."

Now tears trickled down her cheeks and Jackson came to his senses, grabbed a dirty napkin from the coffee table, handed it to her then put his arms around her and let her cry. After a few minutes, she raised her head and stared at him.

"You don't have to go on," he told her.

"No, Jacks, I do. Please hear me out."

Jackson felt exasperated. He didn't want to listen to any of this. He was hungover and he kept wavering, telling himself there was no way he was really in love with Emily fucking Masterson. He'd convinced himself after her April Fool's trick that it really wasn't love, it was the sweet challenge, the longing, the temptation, the wanting her for years and years...the beautiful frustration. He let go of Carmen, leaned forward, hung his head and sighed, "Go on."

"Thank you for humoring me. I know you. I know you don't want to hear what I'm going to say and you're probably going to get mad as hell at me but think about what happened with Laney and—"

"Stop...I mean it. Right here, right now!"

"No, I am not going to stop. And I have a right to talk about both her and Indigo. Laney just happens to be my sister-in-law or have you forgotten that? And that makes that little girl my niece!"

He looked at her with pleading eyes. "Please don't."

"Don't what? Don't be truthful? Rafe was my husband, your best friend. You married his sister and the two of you had a baby. Do you remember how much in love you were with Laney, Jacks? Do you remember you loved her so much you wouldn't let her be your sub, even though she wanted to try it...she wanted to please you so much. That's one of the things that drew you to her and her to you. But once you thought you were in love with her, you couldn't do it. And there was no way in hell you would ever share her, so you dropped out of the whole BDSM scene. And Emily Masterson had left your mind completely...or so you thought."

They stared at one another silently for what seemed like minutes then Jackson smiled and shook his head. "You know me so well. You know, I thought I was out from under Em's spell those years I was with Laney. I really did. It was the same with Crystal. But just as soon as things began going south, that little witch would start haunting me and I'd have to talk to her, see how she was doing...who and what she was with."

"No shit, Sherlock! And you would talk about her all the time. I mean you would get really annoying. And that's just the point. With Laney, you thought you loved her so much that you were jealous and didn't want her around our kind of life and you felt like you had to protect her. You smothered her. Then with Crystal, you loved her so much that you all trusted each other enough to pursue the lifestyle. But with Ms. Masterson, you all have been friends all these years and have never had real sex together. Don't you think it's going to be a pretty hard transition at this point?

"She's played around with BDSM, but that doesn't make her a player. Here she is expecting her friend who she's more than likely head over heels in love with, and probably has been from the beginning, to fulfill her every fantasy. This isn't a game. Make love to her first. Be kind and gentle and let her learn to trust you."

He could feel a knot growing in his gut. "It's a little hard, Carmen. Do you remember all the times she rejected me? All the times she hurt me? She likes playing games...hurting...you know...the pleasure in pain. Well, she takes pleasure from causing it."

"Look, Jacks, you've got to come to terms with things because you all have thirteen years or more to talk out. I realized last night that there's a whole lot she doesn't know about you and she thinks you tell her everything. Also, you need to figure out your feelings for Laney. She told me you asked her to come for Rafe's tribute yesterday. I don't think you're over her, yet. Or maybe it's what she did to you."

They heard Clifton clear his throat and were suddenly aware of him standing there, patiently waiting, rocking back and forth with his fingertips clasped behind his back and Jackson knew immediately he had something to say.

"Okay, Cliff, spit it out."

"I watched Ms. Masterson watch you last night as we attempted to get your flailing drunken ass into bed. I dare say Mrs. Tupelo is correct. That young woman is indeed in love with you and vulnerable. My advice, though you haven't asked for it, is to give it time. Don't jump into anything. And be damn sure about the other two, Crystal and Laney. You thought they'd both broken your heart, but you'd not stopped longing for Em. So figure it out before you do yourself and her anymore damage. She's not the type to love you, have sex with you and then be tossed aside. She's been hurt too much."

Carmen nodded. "He's right. You know he is. This isn't just anyone. She's your friend and you need to remember that first and foremost. So far, all you've done is play these silly getting back at each other tricks. You both have turned this into a game and you should know from what happened with Crystal that when emotions are involved, it becomes deadly serious. You both need to date...just simple dating other people. You don't want to be Em's backup boy or rebound. It's only been four or five months since she and that piece of scum, Greg, parted ways and you know how long it takes to get over someone, even if you aren't madly in love with them. You're still feeling the pain from Laney and Crystal, so—"

"Don't...do not talk to me about either one of them. I know what happened. I know I was to blame both times. I thought I was in love, I played a game and worlds toppled. I don't need to be constantly reminded." Jackson stood and rubbed the back of his neck. He'd heard enough, was getting angry and the room was getting hot and starting to spin.

"Just be careful then, my friend, because you could easily ruin what you and Emily have. You break her trust and nothing will ever be the same again between the two of you. Hurt her, betray her, let her down, deny her, use her, break that special connection and bond you two have now, and she will get her fill and turn on you and walk away. And I have a feeling that when she does, there will be no looking back, you'll be dead to her just like in that song...you'll be just somebody that she used to know. Sex can ruin the friendship because it takes trust to a whole different level...it's a huge responsibility," she finished then stood, jerked a trash bag from Cliff's hand and began tossing debris into it.

"I don't need this shit about Em. I know how to handle her," he said to her back, realizing she was actually mad at him.

Carmen turned and faced him. "Oh what shit are we talking about, Jacks, a big ol' dose of the truth? Let's call Buck over, so we can get done with this shit and have an intervention about Emily Masterson and how you've been obsessed with her since you were in college, came home for Christmas break and went to a high school swim meet with Buck. The way he tells it, when she came out of that pool, you literally went into a trance and couldn't take your eyes off her. What was she, maybe all of fifteen? Obsession, that's what it is, Jackson."

His stomach was churning and his head spun even worse as bile rose to his throat. He had to get to a bathroom before he hurled and started walking from the room when Cliff's voice rang through the fog in his head. "Timing is everything and the timing isn't right."

Jackson groaned as the nausea hit him but managed to mumble over his shoulder, "What's new? It never has been."

#

His stomach emptied and growling, Jackson fell onto his bed exhausted. The first thing that hit him was the light scent of Emily...a mixture of essential oils and the heady, sweet smell of a woman. He lifted the sheet to his face, inhaled and his senses were flooded with her. It wasn't the arousing, lingering, musty scent of sex. That was a completely different thing and he was certain nothing had happened between them last night. He was relieved though he hated having to come to terms with it. Carmen and Cliff were both right...sex can ruin the friendship. Nothing would be the same once he'd been inside her. And timing is everything.

He let his mind wander to Crystal. They'd been in their relationship for a little over three years when he realized it wasn't working for him anymore. She had lived in one of the guesthouses, he in other and it was there she was his sub and they practiced BDSM. He hadn't wanted it to happen in the main house that was still under construction because he couldn't admit to himself at the time, but in the back of his mind, he was building the house for Emily, knowing she'd eventually come home to Salida, even if it was just for a visit.

Once the house was finished and ready to move into, he couldn't go through with it. He couldn't have Crystal move in with him. It was one thing to have their own small houses on the same property, but he couldn't let her move into the shrine he knew would someday be Em's. He couldn't allow her space to be desecrated and besides, he'd started thinking about and talking to her again.

Crystal had gone ape shit when he told her she could stay in the guesthouse but not move in with him. Of course she did, he told himself, she thought I was building it for her and we'd live and die there together. In the beginning that's what he'd thought too...that she was the one. They were great as companions, had an amazing friendship, she was wonderful in the sub part but a year and a half into it, he realized something was missing. It was too perfect and she was too submissive to the point she lived everyday life acting the part.

And he would think of Emily and how fierce and feisty she was...like a damn warrior princess, how her eyes narrowed and sparks flew from them, how she made him furious and turned on at the same time, how she'd flash that sly, dimpled all-knowing smile of hers and he couldn't help but grin, how they bantered and fought and laughed and about how he could tell her anything... anything except about Laney and Indigo.

His head still hurt and he put a pillow over his face and took a couple of deep breaths, letting the smell of Em invade his senses again. His mind wandered to last night and the way she'd snuggled against him, her hand protectively on his chest covering the scar left from a snipper's bullet, her face nuzzled against his shoulder. Sighing, he sat up and stared at the door she'd walked out of this morning in just shorts and tank top, her hair tangled and tousled about her face, mascara smeared under her pale gray eyes, her lips barely tilted in a smile, giving the look of wild innocence. Hell, I don't even know how she got home, he berated himself.

Jackson looked around the room to the doorway leading into the bathroom where he'd come home one night a little over a year ago to find Crystal, barely breathing. He'd told her earlier in the day that they needed to end their relationship. She'd been devastated and had tried to talk him out of breaking it off. It wasn't the money. She had her own homes in Denver and San Diego, a brownstone in Manhatten.

"I rely on you," she'd told him. "I need you. I crave you. You're my master. Everything I do is because of and for you. I can't live without obeying you, being punished by you...I can't, Jackson, I just can't!"

He told her she would be okay and she could find another Dom, that he couldn't keep doing this twenty-four/seven...that he needed a relationship outside of the BDSM.

"There's someone else, isn't there? I know there is. I've always known," she accused, putting hands in her hair and tugging at it as if she'd gone mad.

"There isn't anyone else, Crystal. I've been faithful and loyal as we agreed," he claimed, going to her and jerking her hands away from her head. "Please stop this. You've got to have felt it...felt things slipping away...not working. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but—"

"But nothing! You're my master and you can't change that!" she'd cried, going down on her knees. "Go ahead and try to force me to stop...punish me! That's what you're doing now. I did something wrong...punish me. Hurt me, please. Then let's stop this talk of breaking up. I know there's someone else. Maybe you haven't been physically with anyone, but there's another woman in your heart and head. Admit it." She was screaming now and her eyes were dilated, tears pouring down her face, nose running and spittle clung to the corners of her mouth as she reached for his belt.

He was confused and dizzy as he pulled her grasping hands away and turned from her so she couldn't see the look on his face. She'd felt it. All this time she'd known he'd been thinking of someone else, building the house for someone else, even if he hadn't realized it. He pivoted one last time and gazed at her bent head in bewilderment then walked calmly from the guesthouse.

Once outside, he took a couple of deep breaths and let the knowledge sink in. The only person he'd been fooling was himself. He desperately wanted to tell her about Emily. He owed it to her but couldn't hurt her more...he couldn't be that cruel while she was like this. He still loved her and was positive they'd stay friends. Someday, I'll tell her the truth, she deserves to know everything, he'd thought but he never got the chance.

Clifton had moved into the living quarters at the far end of the house from Jackson's suite and had gone to bed before Jackson got home that night. He'd left the outside lights on and a window open in his employer's bedroom, as he always did, because he liked the fresh air. He hadn't heard Crystal stumbling around outside or cutting through the screen to climb through the window. He hadn't heard her rummage through the medicine cabinets or go into the living room and search through the bar until she found the special gin she liked. And he didn't hear her when she passed out on the bathroom floor from an overdose of pain meds and Xanax mixed with alcohol.

Jackson swallowed hard as the memory of finding her still tore his heart apart. Fortunately, she'd lived but it was never determined if she really meant to kill herself, if it was a call for help, or if she was just trying to numb her broken heart. They had been so close and now she was locked away in her house in Denver and refused to see or talk to him.

"I'm a fucking bastard!" he said out loud and threw the pillow across the room and headed for the shower, hoping it would help clear his head, but instead Laney popped in and he could hear her say, "All you care about is the money. I'm alone all the time. You're always gone. Damn you, Indigo doesn't even know who her father is. She barely recognizes you." Then the truth finally coming out that she was having an affair and he thought his world had ended. So, what did he do? He went to see a married Emily Masterson in Austin. She was separated from her husband, Mark, who was in Dallas and trying to get a divorce, but he was battling it with everything he had.

She was tired and stressed and vulnerable and he was hurt and depressed, yet he never told her anything about Laney. Yes, it had been just one more time they'd come close to consummating their relationship, but she had turned him away and he'd been positive it was because she had another lover. He just wouldn't let himself grasp that maybe she had the moral integrity to deny herself while she was officially still married.

He stepped from the shower and shook water from his hair, trying to shake the truth from haunting his brain, knowing he needed more time to heal...knowing he couldn't allow himself to see Emily Masterson for a long, long time. Carmen and Cliff were absolutely correct, timing was everything and this wasn't the right time. He'd fucked too many things up in his life and he wasn't going to fuck up his relationship with Em. Damn, the truth sucks, he thought, looking down at the rumpled bed and wondering how he was going to force himself to leave her alone.