Definiton of black humour: Humour that makes light of otherwise serious subjects

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

When a banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is.

Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife.

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk.

Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them

Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. 

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing

Life—the way it really is—is a battle not between good and bad, but between bad and worse