Disclaimer: None of these jokes belong to me.

- It's funny how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

- I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

-I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

-What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?I don't know and I don't care.

- "Describe yourself in three words." "Lazy."

- Shipwreck diary
Day 1: Alone. Doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab.
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

-'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing - unless you're at a funeral.

-Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?I do.

-Research shows six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.

-My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.