Anger courses through my entire body like
Lava coursing out.
Bubbling, orange - red,
Rage takes over inside me
Unable to come out because my mouth is
Stapled shut by those in power,
Dare I voice out, I'll subjected to treatment
Unspeakable.
Everyday hearing hatred& jealousy towards me by
People, is a torture in itself, a battle.

Pain engulfs me,
My mind trapped in a torment.
Words, chaos, hate,
Make me go dizzy with rage,
An anger so poisonous, it can melt you.
Because it is melting me from within,
As though my body is made of wax, not flesh.
Tears gather in my eyes,
Little rivulets threatening to fall,
To plaster my face with sorrow & rage,
To dry out the grass,
Dry out the flowers.

Voice gets trapped in my throat.
Who do I go to?
Who do I Voice out to?
I can't Voice out,
Every word I say is censored.
For If I let loose, my relationships will break.
No-one can bare my truth,
Even those near to me.
It's not their truth, it's mine.
It's mine, one heavy to shoulder - to burden.
It melts me from within.
I can't Voice uncensored because those who love me
Will leave.
A tear slips & falls on paper.
Anger with no outlet,
Seaping out in little rivulets of tears.
I can't have people leave,
I'm already lonely,
My life pillar gone with the wind,
To otherland, never coming back.
One more death & I'll break down in aloneness.
They don't know that,
How will they?
Another tear falls,
My eyes blurry, the paper wet, ink splattered.
They don't know what happens in my mind.
How will they?
My exterior strong as steel,
Posture intimidating & tough like a lion's,
The Crown never slips,
Though my face is emotionless
Empty like a vase.
Their eyes never catch it though.

Only I know the torment I carry within me.
Hundreds of thousands broken shards all across,
Spread inside me.
Anger coursing,
Coming out in tears, in muffled cries.
I cry myself to sleep,
No-one knows.
It doesn't show on my face,
It's too deep inside for naked eyes to psychoanalyze.
My exterior,
I'm laughing, smiling, enjoying
Whilst coursing torment inside.
Torment threatening to rip up.
Torment tormenting me in misery.
A mix of pain, grief, rage, helplessness,
Void & Trauma.
A deadly concoction, one that'll destroy if its out.
So I keep it in,
Even though it destroys me,
Making me unfathomably sad.

They close to me have an idea,
My helper knows,
Maybe My elder brother does too.
Are they aware of Intensity though? I don't know.
I'm in my journey of healing,
Of repairing myself emotionally,
Bringing back the warmth, cold snatched from me.
Leaving my wounds exposed and cold.
I'm buttoning my cold parts, sewing my wounds shut with help.
I'm healing though there's a long way to come before I let
My anger go, let it go.
A long way, before I empty out the bottle,
Turn the hourglass upside down,
Letting my anger flow, letting it go.

My anger represents each stage of Weather change in India:
Hidden under smiles in summer.
A frozen ice shard making me cold in winters, taking away the
Warmth, separating it from me.
Tears & sorrow, seeping out, grief running free with rains
In monsoon.
Colours changing,
I've myself in control,
Though all I wish is for the burning to stop.
I no longer want to burn.
I want to be held,
Comforted & reassured that there's someone by my side.
Though that may not happen,
Because when I wakeup in middle of night,
From a nightmare, I'm alone.
Alone in house with my pain now known as
Anger.

-Ridhima Joshi

25.11.21.