Walking, I wander to places 
Some greet, some applaud, some shut and shun me away.
I don't belong 
I don't belong there yet why do I stay? 
Why be somewhere you don't belong, 
Yet you got no place to go so you stick by,
Standby and standstill 
Waiting for the acknowledgement that'll never come 
As you're not who they want, you never will be a part of them.
Only a piece - a vase of void for them to fill by until 
Their flowers return. 
They'll never want you; they won't ever fight for you.
They won't tooth to nail - eye to eye - fire for fire 
For you, the way they do for them, the people 
Who don't even want them. 

Why would you want to have someone 
Who doesn't even want you, yet they do.
They want them back, they don't want me, 
They never will. Truth is bitter, it isn't sweet.
I burn myself up in flames and smokes trying to be 
Somebody's yet no one wants me.
I put my all out of gratitude, not receiving a single effort 
Back in reciprocal; Only superficial love - fake depth, 
That I swallow like candy hoping to find sweetness that's nonexistent. 

Tears stream down my face whilst I 
Sip my sweet ginger chai, playing songs by Billie Eilish 
In background, It's mid of July 2022.
Songs drown out my thoughts while my hands type out 
My feelings, all the hurt and anger I've bottled in - 
Silent fury, silent tears, no loud explosion, 
No one would know.
The mask Is there ever intact, no one would know,
They won't make an effort to know. 
They don't care, they never did, no one does.
It's just me - my tears, silence, poetry & I 
Alone in this room. 
Got people around still it's cold, lonely surroundings, 
No one to reach out or a shoulder to cry on.
Even he left, got no boyfriend, no friends that care,
Just a hurt heart, silent walls; headphones playing song 
Yet its all in background; tears stricken face, 
No one noticed, passed by as if I didn't exist. 
Why would they? I'm not who they want,
I'm not family. 

Why stick somewhere you don't belong? 
I don't belong,
I don't belong. 
I never did. I never mattered.
Just an empty vase of void for them –
To fill their life until they get what they want, 
Then they'll abandon me, 
Abandon me like I never existed in the first place. 
I standby because I've nowhere to go. 
No one to call mine,
No family,
No - one. 
Standby 'til I'm strong 
'Til I get the strength to move on 
Or until I find someone to love me,
Until I find my family all over again or 
Make a new one. 
All this could've been avoided if my father was still around, 
If he was alive, if he was alive, I wouldn't be an Orphan then,
I'd have a place and person to call mine but he's not, hence 
Here I am on standby, moving forward devoid of choice, 
Got no place to go so standing still in a place I don't want to be 
But I got nowhere or no one to turn to except Delhi, 
Even though the people will never treat or want me the way 
They do people who don't want them back.
On standby until further notice, until I find what's mine,
I'll be on standby.

-Ridhima Joshi