Review #37                                              
  
                     Written By: kween913

   Reviewed By: dallas1213 aka Katherine.

Cover:

When I see the cover, I personally don't love it. Rather as the cover you have posted in the prologue, I love the details of that cover more and I feel it fits the story better. 

And the book title is barely even noticeable and that's not good. Overall, I think the cover needs to either be edited or switched out.  

Title:

The title is nice I just wish there were more chapters available so that I could see if it fits the story. But with that being said, I think the title is creative. 

Description:

The short description you give us, isn't very helpful in four-shadowing the story. I honesty would actually recommend rewriting it. But it is just my personal opinion, and, in the end, it is up to you.  

Side Note: I may even suggest that you take some of what you wrote in the prologue and use it for the description as it four-shadowed more than the actual description. 

Genre:

Once again there weren't enough chapters to honesty deem if the book fits the genre.

Prologue:

Your first letter, which is an L is in the font black and only the letter L. Is that a grammar mistake? If not in my personal opinion I think you should have the whole word in one font as it can distract the readers from fully understanding and enjoying each word. 

In the sentence, "The live us just the way we are." You put 'live' instead of 'love', nothing to stress about it's just a simple grammar mistake. Side note, you also put 'the live us just the way we are.' Rather as instead of 'the' you need to put 'they'. 

In total the prologue was written well and only needs to be edited. I may even suggest hiring an editor as it can help you and therefore you won't get distracted from writing. The very last few sentences were written very well and from reading those few sentences' I get a clear idea of what the story has in store for the readers. 

The Cast Chapter:

Personally, I would suggest not having a cast chapter instead what I do is every time a new character is in introduced, I post the mood bored of them in the chapter therefore it saves space in the book and instead of the readers having to flip back to a chapter if they forget what the character looks like, they can simply scroll up and see the mood bored. Also, you want to take into account when your book gets published that you won't be able to have a chapter just for mood bored so it's a good idea to learn to not always have them. 

Side Note: Also, don't have a mood bored for all the characters, instead only have them of the main characters and you don't want to have more than five main characters in one book.

Chapter One:

As a person who has struggled with Anxiety my entire life, I can understand what the Quints are going through.

But furthermore, the chapter is lacking details. You have enough to where I feel slightly connected to the characters but not enough where I can whole heartedly fall in love with them. And yes, I know this is the first chapter, but you must remember if your readers don't connect within the first three chapters, they won't continue to read the story.  And therefore, I will suggest you use a tip I use every time I write, and it's called, 'Don't tell me, show me' and what that basically means is that instead of directly telling me what is going on, show me through the details what is happening. Make the readers fall in love with the words on the paper instead of telling them to love it. Does that make sense? 

"Everyone was felt suffocating." Grammar mistake, it should be 'everything' instead of 'everyone'. Also, may I suggest you change the sentence to.

Try: Everything felt suffocating, our chests were tight, we couldn't breathe, and our bodies were drenched in sweat. Leaving sweat stains on our matching dresses. The fake tan and make-up were beginning to smudge and even our hair was falling out due to the unwanted yet nature liquid substance.

Details are everything in a story and you must make sure yours are beyond perfect. Therefore, the tip, 'Don't tell me, show me' is such an important step and rule to go by.

Very good listing all the proper names for the phobias this helps the reader fully understand them and if they wish to go look up said phobias they can now. This can help the readers connect with the characters more. Because one of the main reasons people read books is because they want to connect with the characters and having characters struggling with either common or rare phobias, mental disorders, physical disabilities, diseases, etc. It makes the characters more realistic and relatable.

When you said, "Doctor Owen said my anxiety led to every one of our phobias." You should have put that, "Doctor Owen Said, our anxiety led to every one of our phobias." It makes more sense.

Side Note: Not wanting to be touch is more of a factor of Autism then Anxiety. Furthermore, you should use the phobia Haphephobia to explain why they don't like being touched.

Lol, sending kids that have anxiety into a situation that is filled with stressful triggers is SOOO helping them.

 Instead of, 'Today we'll prove them wrong, even if it meant us going to high school, "We challenge both you and mom to a bet." I and my sisters say with excitement in our voices.

Try: My sisters and I all exchange glance's, each one carrying a massage that only we could understand. So, with matching smug smirks, we all turn and focus our stares on our parents. Who sit staring at us in confusion as they don't understand our secret language. "We challenge both you. Mom and Dad to a bet." My sisters and I, say in unison with excitement laced in our voices.

Once again just simply adding a few extra details can literally be like night and day.

"Let's make things interesting, shall we?." Small grammar mistake, you should never add a period if you use either a ! or ? at the end of your sentence as they are acting as the period.

An Example: "Hello, how are you?"

Also, when you say they have anxiety you need to describe what kind. Because Society Anxiety and just simply Anxiety is two separate things. From what I have gathered so far it seems the girls suffer more from Society Anxiety then just simple Anxiety. 

Another thing, when you have one of your characters speaking you need to always use two of these ". At the biggening and the end of the sentence, it's proper grammar and it allows the readers to know that the character is speaking. 

An Example: "The cat was white and had black spots on it's legs."

Maybe instead of, Our parents laughed before walking out of the living room and heading towards their bedroom.

Try: Our parents laughed while heading to their bedroom, leaving us alone with our thoughts in the now quiet living room.

Chapter Two:

Key tip, when you have someone's point of view for a chapter you list it at the top of the chapter Glow's P.O.V or try this (example down below)

An Example: 1: Glow or you can simply list the chapter as Glow.

But the way you did it is good too, but it can be confusing to some.

Another thing in the first chapter you never said if the Quints were all girls or boys. I didn't find out the Quints were both male and female until the second chapter. I highly suggest you mention what sex the Quints are in the first chapter to avoid future confusion.

What color are the sneakers? What does Glow look Like? 

These are just some of the questions your readers are going to ask. You need more details.

Side Note: Just because you have mood boards you still need to describe what the characters look like in the book because this is not a movie, and they don't get to physically see the characters every time they are in a scene. Furthermore, either in the first or second chapter you need to describe what they look like. But with the way you are writing the book I would suggest that maybe you describe what they look like in each one of their own chapters? That could be fun for the readers. It would also help them connect as the character would be telling them what they look like so the readers would feel like it would more honest. 

Cover: 4/10

Title: 3/5

plot: 9/15

Grammer: 3/10

Spelling: 8/10

Personal Enjoyment: 6/10

Overall:

 The many grammar errors and lack of details made it a slightly hard plot to follow. By chapter two I was confused on many different things such as what are all the genders and names of the Quints? What do they look like? Where do they live? I would've loved more background information as well. Overall, the main things that you need to focus on is your details, grammar, cover, and description. I highly suggest you hire an Editor and use the tip, 'Don't tell me, show me". I do think your story has potential, but it does need work.  

I hope this helped you and will aid you as you continue your writing journey.

-Katherine.