Something I've realized over the past few months is that being lonely has nothing to do with the physical act of being alone. In fact, sometimes it's quite the opposite. Sometimes when there's no one around you, the whole world is at your fingertips. You feel full. You feel energized. You feel like everything is morphing into place and like maybe everything will be okay. Because the world knows what you're going through. You don't have to explain. Plus, if you don't have a shoulder to cry on then you can't long for one.

It's the times when you're surrounded by people and have to smile just so that they don't feel bad that make you feel lonely, and empty, and like everything is falling apart. If you're crying they'll feel awful that they can't make you feel okay, awful that they have no words to say so then you are the one that envelopes them in a hug as they cling to you for dear life and guess what? It's fucked up.

You know what else is fucked up? The fact that I'm terrified to ask things of people because it seems like less and less they want to help me out. They want to shut me out. Or maybe they just don't care enough to reach out. Because I'll ask for a hug, a sign, just a word that they care, comfort that maybe one day this will all go away and they don't have time.

"No one is always busy. It just depends on what number you are on their priority list."

Aileen smiles brightly, surrounded by friends that she has come to love and cherish. Yet, even as she goes around, conversing with the faces that she's imprinted in the back of her mind so she sees them when she closes her eyes, she can feel her phone burning a hole in her pants where it sits with unread texts of "I'll miss you so much, sorry I can't make it."

Bullshit.

If those people were really going to miss her, then why couldn't they make time to see her? Why couldn't they come to embrace her one last time? Why couldn't they bring their tears to the potluck of salty streams Aileen was already feasting upon?

Aileen walks over to Neo who's talking to some of the boys about various anime.

"Hey, Aileen!" one of them, Boqin, calls. Aileen waves as she approaches the group.

"Can I borrow you for a second?" she asks Neo with a tight smile.

"Aileen and Neo sitting in a tree-"

"Shut up," Neo says, face vividly colored. Aileen snorts. She and Neo walk over to the side, always standing just a little too close to each other.

"Can you take this from me?" Aileen pleads, handing her phone- the device that stores so much information about her and her life- over to Neo with every bit of faith in her body. Neo quirks his eyebrow. "I just-" Aileen huffs, not knowing how to say what she was thinking. "Maybe if I don't have it I won't be so distracted." Neo sits patiently, waiting for Aileen to continue, not saying anything, just waiting, letting Aileen soak in a pool of love and trust. "I'm tired of being distracted waiting for apologies that are never going to come."

My life is more of a novel than a full story. It's sectioned. It's sectioned into different chapters, except no one bothers to read the previous one. Every time I lose someone, a new chapter begins. Then when someone else comes into my life they are handed the dog-eared page that the last person left off on and they just start reading from there, wearing down my crisp new pages.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll just give up and keep my book for myself. Not give it to anyone new. But no. The heart wants what the heart wants.

And apparently mine wants to get shattered one thousand times over. 

***

A/N: So I've apparently given up on long chapters...whoops. However, this one is especially short so I apologize for that. I think I'm just about done with this story, only one or two more chapters! Then I'm going to go back and edit everything (not edit just for grammar like I've been doing) and probably change a lot :P

Thank you so so much for reading this chapter, I cannot express enough gratitude to you! If you liked it please consider leaving a comment/vote!

Love,

Sunny <3