TW: Self-harm, swearing, and suicidal thoughts. 

I woke up falling into a pit of darkness until a pair of solid arms swept my entire body, grabbing my arms and legs from underneath. My lungs clenched as I momentarily lost oxygen, I squeezed my eyes only for them to be flooded with tears. 

Barely could I see the blur of blond hair and the contour of spiked feathers, I knew it was Hans holding me. A tidal wave of emotions came crashing and burning, and instinctively my magic rose like armor. Hans tried to land us carefully but I brought my hand toward his chest accidentally plummeting us to the ground. He groaned as I slipped from his hold, I braced myself for the impact but it never came.

Because someone else caught me, and his arms wrapped around my body like a guard. Except he put one of his hands on the top of my head as rolled over the ground. He had me pinned to the ground, his weight crushing my body. The scent of smoke laced with mint invaded my nostrils.

Grimm.

I let out a gasp.

Grimm quickly peeled his body from mine, "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He said hurriedly.

Are you hurt? Are you hurt? Are you hurt?

I remember all of it. I remember the night of my mother's death like it happened yesterday. My mother, my mother—my chest constricts—Oh my god, my brother. I had a brother. How could I've forgotten someone who meant the entire world to me? I clamped my hand over my mouth. What I did—what I did was unforgivable. A knot forms in my throat, building as the memory keeps playing over and over again.

The sharp shrieks of my mother fill my head and the freezing skin of my brother wash over my body. I was supposed to apologize to her and I was supposed to protect my brother. I was supposed to be there with them. I never meant to forget my brother or what happened to my mother. I—I—I—

Pluck a feather and it will return to its owner.

Bury a seed, something will bloom.

Remember...

The voices mock me and my heart plunges further. I cannot contain the growing agony and despair viciously spreading inside of me. I can't escape it. Hot and heavy tears sear my cheeks.

A cold hand touches my left hand and I flinch from it and scramble away. Too cold. Too dark.

"Talk to me, raven." His voice sounded strained and miserable. But I couldn't, everything was clawing at my throat and my breaths were coming out short. "You have to let it out, if you don't it will eat you alive. Scream if you must, I promise you're safe here." Darkness clouds his face and everything else. It moves around us like a cyclone.

But I couldn't speak to him. I deserve to feel all the pain in the world, I deserve every single bad thing that has happened to me. The people I loved the most are gone. They're gone and I'm here—I'm not supposed to be here.

My chest heaves at all the disappearing memories I once had of my mother and brother. "I deserve—" I tried swallowing the knot but it cut my voice, making it small. "I deserve punishment." I gripped my coat as if I am holding my heart from breaking more.

Grimm said furiously, "You did nothing wrong." I shake my head, "I forgot. I'm not—I'm not supposed to forget. I'm not supposed to forget anyone." And they didn't deserve to die. I bent over as I began to murmur a thousand apologies as if my mother and brother could hear me.

Pluck a feather...

Bury a seed...

The voices chanted as they overtook my mind as the horrors of my mother and brother's death replayed like a tireless loop. Suddenly something explodes from my chest, I gasp loudly as my spine is straightened like steel and my hands face outwards, a burst of energy pushes out. Pale blue light surrounds my space. My veins pump and bleed as I can almost hear the thrumming in my ears. I continuously unleash my magic without thought, I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's too much.

From the other end of the darkness, I can see Grimm marching over while Hans is behind him until Hans grabs him by the shoulder forcefully pulling him back but Grimm grabs his arm and yanks it forward and flips him over his shoulder. Hans' chest rises up and down, he presses his hand on his right shoulder. He pushes it and makes a pop noise. Hans recovers from the ground and yells at Grimm, "My King, she could hurt you!" His eyes flash a vibrant red.

Grimm stretches his hand out, calling upon the darkness that wraps us all. They slither around awaiting his command. "It is a risk I must take." Hans marches forward, unafraid but Grimm swiftly opens the darkness like a veil and jerks both of his hands forward exiling his most loyal demon.

Pluck a feather...

Bury a seed...

Remember...

"Get out." I croaked.

They tear the wound in my chest wider. My hands tremble, I try to lower them but I can't. I can't focus on controlling my magic. I can't focus without the whispers of the spirits. I can't do anything, all I can do is expand what I'm feeling. Grimm strides with his arms out, enclosing the space tighter, "Let it out!" He shouts.

Pluck a feather...

Bury a seed...

"Get out!" I rasped. "Get out! Get out!" I catch my breath before I scream. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" Like two colliding forces, we ricocheted off each other. My body lands further away from Grimm, my head smacks the ground and a violent throb splits my head in half.

Quick footsteps race toward me.

Pluck a feather...

Bury a seed...

"Nora! Nora!" I think I can hear Dilara.

Grimm lifts my head from the ground, I blink a couple of times but his face is fading away. "Raven! Raven!" I want to tell him not to let go, to never let me go but before I know it I'm clutching my brother's body to keep him warm and my other hand is pressed against my mother's neck.

My seven-year-old self whispers. "Die." And I do all over again.

*****

It doesn't matter if my eyes are closed or not, the memory haunts me like a parasite. I can't stop feeling the blood on my hands or the cold weight of my brother. It's a never-ending nightmare. My own mind is punishing me and my heart is bleeding for it, still, the trickles of poison whisper into my ear. Who hurt them? Why did they hurt them? But I only wish they would've killed me too.

I always knew I wasn't supposed to be here. I always felt it. I think I understand now why my father has never appeared, it's because I couldn't save my mother and brother, isn't it? He must be disappointed and angry with me. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am. I wish I could have done something.

Nauseousness builds in my stomach rising up my throat. I rip the covers from my body and sprint to the bathroom making it to the sink in time. Pure liquid comes out emptying out what an empty stomach could get rid of. Beads of sweat form near my forehead, I grip the sides of the sink as my chest burns.

I lift my head and almost flinch from what I see in the mirror.

My hair is disheveled while a few strands are stuck to my face. Chapped lips, grossly pale skin, and red-rimmed eyes. Another tear slips from my eye, I haven't been able to stop crying. I don't know how long it's been but I want to stop crying.

"Nora," Dilara knocks on the door lightly as she asks, meekly. "Is everything alright?"

I almost want to lash out and scream at the top of my lungs and damn every single person on this earth. But screaming doesn't help, it only makes me want to scream more. The pain diminishes for a moment then it regrows like a thorn. Dilara doesn't know what I know about my mother or brother's death. She doesn't know what I witnessed. But it's my fault for forgetting—my fault I forgot someone I loved and cared about.

"Nora," She worried.

I turned the faucet on. "I'm fine, I'm okay," I say shakily.

I splash some water on my face and bring some water into my mouth washing out the vomit stench. My eyes met the mirror once again. Besides the terrorizing repetition of my mother and brother's death, I'm not alone in my sorrow. The voices—the spirits as my mother liked to call them are quiet but their presences are potent in my head. Then there was my seven-year-old self standing in the corner of the bathroom with anger in her eyes. I don't know why she is still here, I saw everything she wanted me to see. But both are observing me, waiting to see what I'll do next and I've had enough of it.

I look over at her, "You think you're better than me?" I tell her bitterly. "Take a good look, I am you." Her nostrils flare.

My gaze turns back to the mirror. "And you—" I sneered. "You had no right to take away my memories. You won't take anything from me anymore because this is my mind, this is my body and I won't ever let you control me again." 

I hit the mirror, "Are you listening? Answer me as I answer you!" I hit the mirror again, this time yelling inside an empty bathroom. "YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY MY MEMORIES! YOU HAD NO RIGHT! THOSE ARE MY MEMORIES! MY MOTHER, MY BROTHER, MY MIND, MY BODY—"

The door swings open, "Nora!" Dilara gasped.

"MY VOICE!" My fist aims for the mirror but a sudden surge rises in my hand immobilizing halfway. I turned my head slowly, looking at worried Dilara. She stood by the doorway with her hands out, slightly facing them toward her. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail with a few strands framing her face, I could see the sleepless nights were catching up to her. I knew she was the one coming into my room to leave food or wipe the sweat and tears whenever I accidentally fell asleep.

She spoke quietly, "You're bleeding." I look down at the small shard of glass stuck out on the side of my hand as droplets of blood cascade. A pair of footsteps came toward the door, "I'm going to let you go but you have to promise me you're not going to hurt yourself anymore." Dilara said. 

I hated being spoken to like I was a child but I complied, I bit the inside of my cheek as I nodded my head. The release is instant, I feel my fingers and the piercing glass inside my skin.

I turn my head over to see Hans standing behind Dilara with his arms crossed. His gaze lowers to my hand, "He is not going to like that." He murmurs.

I narrowed my gaze, "You think I care about what he likes." He returns a blank stare. "No." I pull the white towel from the rack and pull out the glass, I let it fall into the sink. Then, I quickly wrap the towel around my hand. "I don't think you care about anyone or about yourself." Hans finished.

What the fuck? Dilara might as well have said it too but choose the polite version. "Why would you say that?" She says meanwhile I decided to give Hans my opinion about him. "I think I liked you better when you didn't talk at all." He looks unbothered, and it irritates me.

He simply shrugs.

I push past both of them and start to make it back to my room when Dilara rushes after me and steps in front of me. "Wait, wait. You're going back in there?" I give her a pointed look. 

Her brows pinch together, and her forehead creases. "Nora, it's been three days. You haven't spoken or eaten anything. I don't know if you're sleeping but I want to understand what's going on with you. I'm right here with you." Her look reminds me of Refugio every time she tried to get me to talk about what I was feeling. I don't understand why it's hard to talk about it. Someone wants to listen, so why can't I speak? I don't know when I created this entrapment for my tongue or if was I born with it.

She didn't have to be here and I don't deserve her kindness or friendship. I can only apologize to her. "I can't—I can't do it." She attempts one last time, a plea. "I'm your friend." I clutch my hand tighter and lower my head because I hate everything that I am and I wish I could be anyone else but myself.

A door opens and I don't need to look up to know it's Grimm. His presence only gathers all the attention in the room. But I needed to look at all of them, so I lifted my head. "Good, you're here. I'm only going to say this once, I want all of you to leave. I want to be alone. You know the door, you can see yourself out." I take a step forward but Grimm blocks my way.

"Did you not hear what I said? Or was I not clear?" I gritted out.

His gaze met mine. Nothing shined in his eyes, it was a bottomless void. "Hans, please take Miss Arslan somewhere with you. I would like to speak with Miss Del Luna, alone." He didn't blink or show a hint of anger or frustration. He held his composure very well.

Hans and Dilara begin to walk out when Dilara halts her steps. "I'll listen...like you listened to me." She said,

I closed my eyes and turned away, facing the other direction. She waits a full minute before she realizes I'm not going to say anything to her. And not long after that, the door slams shut. I'm sorry, Dilara. I'm sorry. I release a shaky breath and press my palms against my cheeks as I use the bloody towel to wipe the tears away.

Finally, it's Grimm and I standing in this vacant apartment, with barely any comfort. Is this how I plan to live for the rest of my life? Surviving on crumbs?

Grimm speaks up, "You don't want to be alone. That's the last thing you want." Well, what other choice do I have other than that's all I am left with? I hated how easily he spoke my truth, it wasn't fair. It might not be what I want but it is what I need. Pain and anger tightened like a knot.

I spun around and told him, coldly. "And what do you know about what I want? If I'm asking to be alone it's because I want to be alone."

He tilts his head, his voice becoming strained. "I know you are filled with deep sorrow—"

"You don't know anything about what I'm feeling!" I snapped.

I shake my head, looking away not wanting to show him how broken I am. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting. I want all of it to end.

But he goes on, "You're right. I don't know what you are feeling so, tell me. I want to know what you're feeling." I was sick of hearing and saying, I want, I want, and I want.

"Did you always know I had a brother?" Grimm doesn't answer, but the look on his face tells me everything. "You should look back every once in a while when you take the dead." My voice cracks like glass. "You'll find my face among the mourners. I'm sure you are familiar with what grief looks like given your nature and the irreparable damage you can cause." Hasty footsteps stride toward my direction, he grabs my elbow, spinning me around to face him.

His jaw tightens as a flicker of a thousand emotions passes through his eyes. "So, then, you blame me for taking away your mother and brother?" This is what Grimm hates the most about himself. 

A capturer. A taker. A thief. But it's not so easy to put all of the blame onto him because of what I've seen. Grimm doesn't always take away your physical life. He takes away your soul, he gives you the rest of eternal misery or eternal peace. Grimm didn't kill my mother and brother. This was done by someone else. But Grimm took their souls and he took them somewhere I could not follow them.

I inhale, "I only blame you for not taking me as well." He drops my elbow as his eyes widen. He begins to shake his head violently as if he couldn't believe what I said.

My tear-stained lips move, offering what they can. "I forgot about the person I loved more than anything in the entire world and I—and I had someone who loved me more than the entire world. I could have survived this hateful world a bit longer if they had been by my side, and it proves that they're supposed to be here." 

His mouth slightly parted, but I don't let him speak. "I keep seeing them, everywhere. In my head. In this room. They're everywhere. My mother and brother are supposed to be here with me. I don't want your apologies or condolences and I don't want you to tell me that 'they're in a better place' when they're supposed to be here! I should've been given the chance to love my brother a little longer. And I should've been able to apologize to my mother. I wanted to apologize to her more than once. She needs to know how sorry I am. Both of them do." I gasp loudly as I feel the knot inside come undone, and my heart breaks all over again.

The lightbulbs flicker nonstop and soon the whole apartment is clashing and clattering. I can't control my magic or myself. I can't do anything right.

Grimm raises his voice over the noise, "They know! They know how much you love them. I cannot take that away from you." He pushes through the chaos and sets his hands at the sides of my arms until he grasps my hands. "You have survived over and over again. You will fall but you will rise again because the strength that is inside of you is ceaseless." Everything in the room freezes and altogether the noises stop. My breath hitches as I meet the gaze of a man who holds over a million stars in his eyes.

Unreachable stars. Unattainable Grimm. A lonesome tear falls.

I turn my gaze toward the little girl standing behind the couch. "You don't know how to get up. You don't know what it's like to fight for your life." She said, full of resentment.

And she might have just punctured every organ and broken every bone in my body. "Raven, what were you looking at? Just now?" He pulled me closer to him, and all I could think about was how it still wasn't close enough.

I mumbled. "You can't see her?"

"See who?" He said, alarmed.

Black spots began to cloud my vision, my mouth got dry and suddenly my body went slack. Grimm wrapped his arms around my waist. "Raven, raven! Who were you..." His lips are moving but I can't make out anything he is saying or maybe I'm too exhausted to understand him.

Before I relived my nightmare, I thought, If I wake up again I hope the last thing I see is your eyes. The stars.